obsessed?

midgetjoness
midgetjoness Posts: 27
edited September 25 in Health and Weight Loss
I'm thinking about taking a break from calorie counting although it's scaring me to my very core....

Okay so a bit of background about me; i never really cared about how i looked through primary school, i was a bit of a tomboy and had a lot of friends so looks never came into the equation.
Then when i moved into secondary school at 11/12yrs i suddenly was forced into a world of makeup and prettiness and thinness that i just didn't have a clue about. I was bullied by a group of boys in the opposing school - the most memorable time was when they had a competition where the person who could kiss the ugliest girl there would win...obviously they all flocked round me and tried to goad me into kissing one of them... i think it was in these very young teenage years that i first became aware of my body and developed a dislike for it. i used to try and "starve" myself but it wouldn't ever work. it was a half *kitten* effort.
it wasn't until i moved schools that i was able to discover that boys weren't the enemy and some even thought i was pretty without changing. i look back on it now and i do see that, you know, who isn't bullied at somepoint in their lives! i'm not disregarding it as an issue, the comments that were said to me still shake me and very much stick with me but i mean to say that i'm not singling myself out from everyone else, i can't use that part of my life as an excuse anymore.
ever since i was in year 11 (about 15/16) i discovered the fact that i could make myself sick, it was easy...i'd read in magazines and thought it was terrible, read the horror stories about teeth rotting and screwing up your insides but at the time i didn't care. i was incredibly unhappy with the way i looked and the fact that i couldn't help but love takeaway and "bad food" (i have never been obese and i know that i am ridiculously strict on myself so in retrospect i probably had nothing to worry about anyway)
In sixth form (17/18) with the house to myself most of the time i could eat what i wanted and then throw up as much as i liked. I also discovered diet coke...saw how it could make me full... instead of breakfast i'd have a can, in free periods i'd have another, i'd throw away my lunch and have two more, buy another can for the walk home and once home i'd usually have a 2ltr bottle waiting for me which i could easily get through in an evening. If my mum was in she'd cook us dinner which i'd eat, if she wasn't i'd have a bowl of cereal and/or binge instead.
So soon i became obsessed, addicted to diet coke, addicted to beating myself up about not being perfect, addicted to making myself throw up - i'd be sick if i was sad, i'd be sick as a treat if i'd been good, it got to the stage when i was throwing up in school and if my friends came over for a takeaway. It was like i was out of control, and now when i look back at myself it makes me so sad because i was miserable, i made myself miserable, there was no one else to blame at this point; i had great friends, family life was good and i had boys that were interested in me, the only person that was ruining my life was me.
Anyway, i could muse of this part of my life for a while, i wont bore you with the details (anymore!), these are my own personal demons....
At 18 i travelled the east coast of australia on my own, i was the otherside of the world and felt like i had a new start again, but still i'd occassionally make myself ill and constantly resrict myself. Whenever i enjoy food, i feel bad..even when its healthy! Because i've trained my mind to punish punish punish.
When i came back i joined a performing arts course and i feel like i've lost control again... Compared to the old days i don't binge as much as i used to, its very rare now, but instead i have become fixated on exercise and being healthy... i dance 4 days a week, go to the gym 4/5 days a week and go kickboxing on a sunday but still i don't think its enough. I count my calories on MFP like a woman posessed and it makes me nervous to think of my life without it. But although i see that MFP has been such a godsend to so many people, and it as been for me for a time ( it actually got me to understand that i need to eat more than i thought!) - i feel like i'm becoming obsessed....
looking back on this post addiction and obsession is rife, i think that may be my personality playing a part. And i'm not sure that i'm helping myself much being like this?
I'm once again addicted to diet coke..i don't remember the last time i haven't had at least 2 cans a day, i also never stop thinking about food cuz i am adding and calculating and as a result i'm constantly hungry...
i think i need a break? listen to my body for a bit instead of numbers?

....anyone think i'm making a big mistake?

(p.s sorry for this horribly selfish rant!)

Replies

  • funkyspunky871
    funkyspunky871 Posts: 1,675 Member
    I feel the same way, but I keep counting anyways. I'm terrified to gain the weight back. Looking for answers too, so sorry I couldn't help. I will say that if you feel like you're capable of taking a week or two off, then DO IT. I wish I could; the stress is really piling up now that I'm plateaued.

    EDIT: But, just so all know, no, I do not nor have I ever purged. Just, I can relate to feeling obsessed over it all.
  • omid990
    omid990 Posts: 785 Member
    i don't think so. i've done it.

    there's an unhealthy mindset that some of us are afflicted with and no matter how wonder the tools we are presented with are, such as MFP, we will become abusive and destructive, even in the best of circumstance.

    i've had to leave twice now and make a certain amount of peace with myself before i felt that i was mentally able to handle the weight loss process in a healthy manner.

    take the time off that you need. it's not worth the distress in the long run.
  • Sherri71
    Sherri71 Posts: 208 Member
    Personally, I think you should stick with MFP and calorie counting if you are not purging anymore. working out 4-6 days a week is healthy if you are eating enough calories and trying to stick to healthy options for at least most of the time. I think it is a healthy obsession verses your old lifestyle of surviving on diet coke and binging/purging. Here you can have a balance. Count calories so you feel "safe" plus you said you are eating now without purging right? Sounds like you are headed in the right direction!
  • jacki_mk
    jacki_mk Posts: 3
    I understand. I recently took a break from mvp, because like you said...i felt like i was becoming obsessed with counting my calories. Coming home, logging in, and logging in everything i have ate in a day. Then adding all my exercise to make for sure i dont go over. It can become addicting. I took about a three week break. I am back today because i feel like i have gained a little of it back and need to go back to counting.
  • Imthatg1rl
    Imthatg1rl Posts: 109
    From someone who has experienced a lot of what you have stated, listen to your body, be good to it. Me and food have issues, and I use to exercise nonstop around the clock. I was and still am ,on most days, miserable.
    I promise you that you will not let your self get obese. You can start by switching diet coke for water, the caffeine is restricting your appetite BIG TIME.
  • Kate_UK
    Kate_UK Posts: 1,299 Member
    I don't have ant advice for you but wanted to send you a big (((hug))):flowerforyou:
  • midgetjoness
    midgetjoness Posts: 27
    I don't have ant advice for you but wanted to send you a big (((hug))):flowerforyou:


    thankyou!

    and thankyou to everyone...
    its kind of nice to know that people out there know you feel, and actually care.
    sometimes you just feel so lost you know!?
    makes me want to well up!!
  • grandmatbigsky
    grandmatbigsky Posts: 10
    You are absolutely NOT wrong to take a break from all the logging and calorie counting. Even good things in our life become bad things when they control us...Taking a break is a wise step of breaking the tendency toward obsession. I make a point of taking one day a week to deliberately NOT log-in or count cals...to even put my feet up and read a book instead of exercise. Why? Because the apostle Paul, in the Bible wisely said, "most all things are "legally-allowable" for us, but not all things are profitable for us." It takes alot of courage to talk openly about your binging ang purging, and even the misuse of diet-Coke. Your honesty is the FIRST step toward true freedom from the behaviours and choices that have controlled you. True healthful living is a journey of healing, I believe. Please DO take a break now and then from all the food & fitness focus. Steps of choosing an accountability partner or two who aren't obsessed, can offer the perspective of years, and display the fruit of good health- spirit, soul AND body- (afterall, you aren't one-dimensional! :) whom you are willing to let view your food diary and accept counsel from on caloric intake, etc would be a good second step toward freedom from obsessions, too. Jesus said, "He/she whom the Son sets free is free indeed"! I will pray for you if you would like...
  • KarenPuddicombe
    KarenPuddicombe Posts: 1
    As a teen I was hospitalized for an eating disorder. I went from anorexia to bulimia. 25 years later my weight is still an issue and going overboard will always be a challenge. Learn to love the you that you are. Cling to little victories and let go of stuff that really doesn't matter. Learn to live life. Have days that you change things up so you don't let the old self of obsessiveness take over and believe that you can change for the better. You are beautiful. You are alive. You matter
  • sarahsmom1
    sarahsmom1 Posts: 1,501 Member
    My daughter was made fun of a lot because she was over weight you need to be strong for yourself. I'm am putting this link for you to look at it is my daughters web site she is and elite athlete and sports is what gave her the ability to treat herself with respect. She wrote an article on this site I think it called a fat kid to national champion. She has a lot of strong women on this site not just physically strong but also mentally strong I hope this will help.

    prettystrongblog.blogspot.com/
  • dababers
    dababers Posts: 135
    ((Hug)) Stay with us...simply allow yourself a few great meals. You also have to consider the damage that purging can do to your esophogas, stomach, and cardiac sphincter. The diet coke habit is concerning...since you want to lose weight. It has a lot of sodium in it and makes you retain fluids. We are here to help you and encourage you in the process.
  • midgetjoness
    midgetjoness Posts: 27
    i want to say how truely grateful i am to all of you wonderful people. I can geniuinely tell you that you are all inspiring in your own way and the fact that you have taken on the time on this shows how big your hearts are. x
  • Kat120285
    Kat120285 Posts: 1,599 Member
    Listen to your body, you have to do what is right for you. On one hand it might be helpful to take a break, on the other hand if it's going to really stress you out that's not so good either.

    At my heaviest I was 140, for my small frame and my height I felt huge, had no energy, was so unhappy with myself. After coming home from a cruise I had lost my appetite, I wasn't sick or anything, it was just gone. I was eating about 600 calories a day and yet somehow still working out. I was tired all the time and got down to 108, now where that is an okay weight for me, I didn't get to that number in a safe way. Even about a year ago I was having issues with how many calories to take in. I started counting my calories and realized that I was barely making it to 800. I then made sure I got my 1800 cals as recommended by my exercise program. Now, since signing up with MFP, that number is even higher and changes because I burn different amounts each day during exercise. Now my intake is anywhere from 1850-over 2000 with a NET of 1250 on some days. I have the app on my phone and actually love logging my foods and such. I think if I stopped using this I would fall back into not getting enough calories.
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