My answer to recovery.

Dear you,

You asked:

I was wondering why did you decide to finally eat etc.???
____________________________________________________________________

It was a long road to my final decision -to just do it: To just let myself live my life.

I know what I want: I want happiness and fulfillment.

I was ready to grow-up; I found my self-worth. I found my light, my strength, my courage with the help of my loved ones, with their reminders and their questions and their concerns. I was lucky, I was surrounded with love and help. I feel wanted, I feel needed, I feel understood.

I had been seeing therapists, psychologists, doctors, specialists, nutritionists, dietitians, friends and family. I was truly working on finding the root of the problem. Anorexia is 10% about the food and 90% about SOMETHING else. I knew that the key to escaping these destructive demons was to discover the cause of that 90%. I found it, I worked on it. With that, I felt closure, I felt satisfaction and I proved to myself that I am capable of controlling my own self in SO many other ways than with the food I put into my mouth.

In the end it all came down to this, I asked myself these questions, and when I finally decided to answer them honestly, I was able to discover a new path. The path that will be my wonderful, happy, beautiful, fulfilled, amazing and fabulous life. Because I know I am worth it. We are all worth it. I asked myself this:

What’s the point? How do you really feel? Was this everything you thought it would be? Is it really ever enough? What do those numbers even mean? Do they really define me? Will I let that piece of cake scare me… because I know I like it… I know I deserve to be treated. I deserve to be normal and happy and satisfied…so why shouldn’t I have it? Because I’ll gain weight? But then what? I am worth less? Am I less beautiful? Do I have LESS control?

The answer is:

* THERE IS NO POINT.
* I feel sick, tired, exhausted, unhealthy, babied and dying.
* It’s the opposite of what the media portrays. It’s hell; a living-nightmare. Almost as though I was being strangled, short-of-breath.
* The numbers mean nothing. They will always be changing, they will never be low enough, they will never change my loved-ones opinions of me. They are worthless in the grand-scheme of life. I shouldn’t even know them. That’s how little they matter.
* I won’t let any food (or anyTHING) have a grasp on me or my life. That’s mine. I choose the life I want, I control the outcome. Not through food, but through my positivity, my enjoyment, my hobbies, my favorites, my loves, my hates, my sadness, my misses, my fears, my quirks and my surroundings. Because I have a say in ALL of that. I decide who, what, when, where and why.
* To gain weight was the healthy choice, to gain weight was to be able to have children again, to be able to be the person I want to be. With that strength, I would be able to do the things I want to do without being held back by my weakness. To gain weight was to say NO to the Eating Disorder’s torturous voice. To say NO to the expectations brought on by the models, the media and the other skinnier girls. I never wanted to give-in to them in the first place, that was just the outcome of my disorder. Re-gaining the power was the biggest step.
* I am MY OWN beautiful. My weight is not my beauty. My beauty is not my looks. My beauty is everything I am all-together. It is my decision to be strong, my decision to be there for my friends, for my family, for myself.

It’s hard, it’s long, it’s treacherous: This path towards recovery.

Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I crave seeing my bones, sometimes I slip back into old habits. But the difference now is that I believe in myself. I believe that I am worth more than the destruction I was causing my body.

I am truly loving my new found light, and that’s how I know this was the RIGHT decision. Everything is so much now. Beauty is all around me…and I don’t know how much any of it WEIGHS?

Finally, I want you all to know that life is SO much better than you’re letting it be. Just let it be. The light is there. You can find it. Believe in yourself. Discover your inner strength, fight for it.

I promise