Hopeful... determined....need support

canadianchickie · March 2011

Hey all. I have been keeping an online blog on blogger so i could be more accountable for my food and diet choices and see what the heck is going on with me. However, i am glad I discovered this site, it is much more accurate, and I feel like I am with a community of people who have the same goals as me: be healthy, fit, energetic, and happy.

I am 190 pounds right now, and 5"7. It is unbelievable for me to actually see that number as I have never been over 160 pounds in my life, with the exception of being pregnant (12 Years ago!). At 160 pounds I thought I was very overweight, and my goal was to lose twenty pounds!

3 things have happened to me over the last few years which have probably contributed to my downward spiral, and I am trying to deal with all of them in the best way I can.

First, I met the second love of my life (my husband, my daughter is of course the first love!) and when we were engaged, we moved across the country. I didn't anticipate how difficult this was going to be: I had a very hard time with it, and put on about ten extra pounds. We have actually moved three times in three years, but now we are 'settled'. Things are better now as I have slowly adjusted, and we are making a life for ourselves here. But it's still hard because I miss my family, and often feel sad thinking they have moved on without me (not that I dont' want them to 'move on' and be happy, I just feel sad that I am not such an important part of their lives anymore). Both my parents do not take care of themselves, my mother has lung cancer, and two years ago they caught it in it's first stage and she had surgery to remove it. However, she continues to smoke, and as much as I try to accept it - I really am scared for when the cancer returns. I know it's going to be a slow, painful journey....
My dad had a heart attack three years ago, after this crazy lady he married suddenly upped and left him only a month after they were married. She was a psycho, and I swear she was trying to poison or weaken my dad. He is such a good person, with a big heart, and very kiind.... very sad that that happened to him. Anyway, dad also smokes, and his health has declined considerably over the last few years.
It sucks that I am not there near them, knowing that they will probably not last five more years.

Secondly, I had a Mirena IUD inserted last Spring. The thing I was most scared about was gaining weight on it. I was fine with other Birth control pills, and Depo Provera ... but a scare with my breast made me switch (as reccommended by a nurse practicioner and the doctor).

Third, I got married last summer. It turned out the complete opposite of my dreams - I ended up trying to please/placate everyone else, especially my husbands family, that I didn't have it where I wanted or how I wanted. My cousin/bridesmaid backed out two weeks before the wedding. Then, my so called 'best friend' whom i've known for many years, in a sort of love/hate relationship (it's complicated) literally got me drunk the night before my wedding. I know that sounds like I am not takign responsibility for my own body, but you know what? With all that was going on, I had not been myself and was so crazily stressed out and ready to just explode that when we had a few drinks at my rehearsal dinner, I felt pretty damn good. She has a major wild side, and really had been pumped about getting hammered and partying (she was super bummed when my bachlorette was low key - they way i wanted it) - so she jumped on the oportunity and gave me some 'celebratory' shots. The proceeded to keep feeding me drinks until I was, well, drunk and totally without any inhabition. Then I woke up on my wedding day to my other bridesmaid screaming at her husband - my other cousin - because he had taken off and was ready to board a plane! Apparently, he was upset that we had all went out.
Needless to say, i hated my wedding day, i wanted to cry. This was very traumatic for me.

Now, you may be thinking - wow - what a whiner. Her life really sucks, but she needs to get over it.

Well, I do. And I am. There is alot of work I have been doing on myself - from the inside out - to get better, accept the things that have happened in the past, appreciate and live in the now. It hasn't been easy, but I have come from being about at 9/10 for depression and feeling sorry for myself, and angry..... to about a 5/10.
I am improving.

I gained twenty more pounds from last August, up until December when I was going through my depression/anxiety.... hurt.... anger...sadness....

Then in January, after a lot of crying to my mom

she reccommended Eckhart Tolle. I really connected with what he said in his books, and have been taking the time to learn, heal, and grow. I started going to the gym, and correcting my diet.
From Sept - Dec I did eat out alot, and probably consumed around 2,000 calories a day. I did not work out.
So, Starting a new in January, I thought that by February I would see some results after i discontinued eating fast foods, and gave myself 1 cheat day a week. I went to the gym five days a week - interval training at Curves (and really work it hard with the cardio too - my heart rate is up around 180, I sweat, and groan, and feel sore, and tired).
But, February rolled around and I saw not a pound of weight loss.
So I changed the cheat day to a 'cheat meal' and I started switching the training up, going four days a week sometimes, sometimes doing every second day, pushing myself harder.
I increased my water consumption. Began taking a GNC multivitamin. Took Acai berry chewables, began taking Udo's oil. I increased the frequency of my meals - ie. smoothie for breakfast (I almost always have a smoothie for b-fast made with frozen fruit, soy milk protien, udo oil), a snack, then a frozen meal for lunch to keep the calorie intake lower, another snack (ie. cottage cheese, or a piece of cheese, almonds/cashews or mostly I would have a yogurt), then dinner. Dinner is actually the one meal that I didn't really adjust to be super healthy - but it was never really terrible either - like .... chicken faijitas, or soup and sandwhich, or boiled ham dinner (ham and a bunch of veggies boiled together), rotisserie chicken... etc.)
End of Feb rolls around... still no results. So i tried the Jillian Micheals cleanse and burn. I did lose 1 pound, but put it back on.
I tried to have patience... but I have really fallen off the wagon at times to be honest.

So, a few things are up around the bend for me:
I.e. I am consulting with my doctor to have the Mirena removed, I am having my thyroid checked, and I may ask to have a prescription diet medication because I am beginning to really get worried about my health. I still suffer from fatigue, and it seems like no matter how much I sleep - I could always sleep more.

My life is pretty good, besides the weight and dealing with some past baggage that I want to move on from and just accept. I have a great job, a beautiful and amazing kid, a great, supportive and loving husband, nice house, and have met some great people, i also have two doggies (that I swear have kept me from the brink of insanity) that I love.
Woe is me - is not my thing.
However, being fourty - fifty pounds above my ideal weight sure does sound overwhelming.
I want to be able to do this - I am committed. I just need a damn break with my weight. I pray that this food journal and site wil help get me over the awful slump I am in.

Glad to be here - and by the way - ANY advice is greatly appreciated.

bmmadden · March 2011

Welcome to the site hope you find it helpful to your needs, I especially like reading the success stories to keep me motivated and every time I lose all my MFP friends congratulating me on my successes and I can vent on there and they always have something positive to say You can add me as a friend if you'd like and I hope you have success in your weight loss journey

dodoodoodo · March 2011

wow what a story! i'm 5'8 and my highest weight during pregnancy was 208 and now am at 170 and want to get to 140. so sounds like we are sort of similar in that way. i would love to be friends and help encourage you!

you can do it!!

audjrey · March 2011

This is going to sound counterintuitive to everything you just wrote, but I believe you need to firstly embrace the weight you are in the body you presently occupy.

That said, you might start learning to love yourself more and you just might learn to have even more patience with yourself.

Seriously, with everything you've been through emotionally, just be thankful you haven't had a nervous breakdown or started using drugs or taken up gambling. Be thankful for the things that are NOT in your life.

Weight loss is a life-time journey, even after you've lost the weight. And maintenance can be a huge and oftentimes self-deflating struggle until you get it right.

For now, just do the best you can. You're here - that's a great start!!! Now surround yourself with a strong support team and make a plan of attack.

How much weight do you want to lose? By what date? What does that date represent to you? Why is it important? If it's not important, how can you make it so it is important?

Once you've established how much weight you want to lose, break it down into months, then weeks, then days. I've written a formula for weight loss in a blog. You can read it on my profile page to get you started.

Once you've narrowed down how much weight you need to lose each month/week/day, then you need to formulate a healthy eating plan that will ensure you succeed.

Include lean proteins like beans, white fish, egg whites, salmon, lean chicken, lean red meats etc.

Fill up on lots of raw vegetables but don't smother them in high-fat, high-sugar dips.

Get at least 35 grams of fiber every day in the form of prunes, prune juice, flax, chia, sesame, pumpkin and sesame seeds, psyllium, beans and lentils, raw fresh fruits (but try not to eat more than 3 fruit a day or it could elevate your blood sugar levels), dark green veggies and dark green leafy veggies.

Eat low-fat, low-sugar dairy products, preferably as close to the real thing as possible.

When you eat fats, opt for healthy HDL fats that come from salmon, raw unsalted nuts & seeds, all natural nuts and seed butters, and coconut milk.

Cook with sunflower oil (it doesn't burn and become rancid like olive oil) but feel free to use cold-pressed olive oil so long as you don't heat it.

Reduced your sodium intake to about 1,300 mg daily.

Drink 6-8 cups of 8 ounce glasses of water a day.

Eat three main meals, about 350-450 calories each, and three small snacks under 250 calories.

Pre-plan your meals in advance (try to aim to pre-plan your entire day's worth of meals and snacks) to leave little to no room for cheating.

Avoid eating out as much as possible and always carry a healthy snack and water with you when you're out and about, just in case.

Watch your portion sizes. Visit the diabetic home page for a visual guideline of proper portion sizes.

Strive to work out with weights and don't be afraid to lift, push and pull more than 10 lbs. Most women don't bulk up on less than 12 lbs.

Change your weight training workouts every day, every week, every month. Same with your cardio. Don't get caught up in doing the same-old, same-old because you're body quickly adapts and then idles in rest mode. By switching it up I mean instead of always lifting 8 lbs in a shoulder press 12 times at the exact same speed up and down every time, lift 10 lbs 10 times for a three count slowly up and quickly down, then for a quick count up and three counts slowly down. The next day, do something different to change it up. If you do lunges, one day do static lunges, the next day do walking lunges. Also try to do compound exercises that use more than 2 muscles at a time. For example, do static lunges with an overhead press or squats with frontal raises.

Remember your biggest muscles are in your buttocks and your legs, so work them often and hard.

Opt to do cardio 6 days a week for 35-45 minutes each day with at least 20 minutes at your maximum heart rate, again doing something different each day. And opt to strength train 3-5 days for 35-45 minutes, again doing something different every day.

If you can find a workout buddy, all the better. A workout buddy helps keep you motivated and accountable to your daily goals.

Surround yourself with positive and supportive people and avoid as much as possible anyone who is negative or does not support you in your goals.

Temptations are everywhere you turn. Accept this as a fact and forgive yourself every time you give in and resolve to do better the next time (and strive to actually do better the next time) lest you feel like a failure and give up on your goals.

Realize this is a life-long journey and that you have just taken the first step and that like everything else in life, all roads often undergo construction, sometimes have potholes, detours and major traffic jams. If you can mentally prepare yourself for the challenges ahead and accept them as they come and do the best you can and forgive yourself when you feel your best isn't good enough, you'll do just fine!

If you want a friend who will support you on your journey, feel free to add me.

All the best to you. I wish you only success!!

From a fellow Canadian Chick ;-)

canadianchickie · March 2011

You are awesome! I completely didn't even think about things that way, and looking at it through that perspective is so true! I 100% agree. Thank you so much for the easy, simple guidelines - I think it's something I often overlook - it doesn't need to be complicated, and I need to get back to the basics of lean, healthy, whole foods for sure. I will definately be taking a look at my specific goals to help guide me, and if i don't reach my weekly goals for some reason, then MFP will make it easy to see my areas of improvement.

Your picture is so motivating!

NavyWifeag · March 2011

I feel you pain. I too have depression and that can make weight loss hard. But working out and proper diet really does help. First, make sure you don't have something hormonal going on. That can keep you from loosing weight and can also make you put it on. Another is doing cardio 5 days a week. Push yourself. It should be uncomfortable and you should sweat a lot. I started out walking for one hour at 3.8. I lost 4 lbs off the bat.

Also, read Bill Phillips Body for Life. His plan is awesome and I have seen a lot of results. His results you see in the mirror not on the scale though because you do build muscle, but his plan is basic and it works!

WATER, WATER, WATER. Cut your salt. Us women, we tend to hold water weight especially on birth control. Avoid the soy milk. Soy can hurt in weight loss. I recommend moving to just a protein shake instead of the smoothie. I eat my big meal at breakfast and get smaller throughout the day. I hit a wall, but now it's moving. I had to really push myself out of my comfort zone but now I am loosing weight. Try weighing yourself daily, in the morning and taking the average.

Hopeful... determined....need support

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