hubby upset me at lunch....and it may not make sense why....

keljo05
keljo05 Posts: 173
edited September 25 in Chit-Chat
My husband is out of work on full disability at age 36. I have to work full time. We have a 4 year old son.

I was at the gym during lunch ( I have a long lunch 2 days a week)... as I'm changing and getting ready to dry my hair I see a text mssg from him that he is outside by my van. OK... I have no idea why....although I had told him this weekend he could surprise me any time since he got it in his head that I was at the gym to find someone to have an affair with. :huh:

I finish drying my hair and go out with 15min left to get back to my office. He rolls down the window and tells me that they were in the neighborhood and just wanted to say hi.

OK... so all well and good with that, except that now our son wants me to get in the car and go to the park with them to fly a kite....and I had to come back to work....DS and I were both upset.

Why bring him by when he always wants me to go with him or go with me or have me stay home? I hate saying no to him...and yes I'm still dealing with resentment at my husband for being on full disability as it should never have happened if he took care of himself.

DS will have a blast at the park.. but darn it I want to go to and I can't until the weekend when the snow will be back (grrrrrr!!! go away snow.. winter is OVER!)

the good thing is that my emotional eating is under control... although now I want to go back to the gym to burn off my frustrations.

Replies

  • crazymama2two
    crazymama2two Posts: 867
    that makes sense to me...sounds like a lot more is going on in his head :( i think he's feeling terrible about being on disability and/or guilty about it cause it sounds like its his own doing and he's taking things out on you and trying to make you feel bad??? i dont know...just a random theory talking out loud. im not trying to offend *hugs to you*
  • PoorGirlEatingHealthy
    PoorGirlEatingHealthy Posts: 209
    sometimes I think my hubby "acts out" or tempts me a little when I am on track because he is afraid for the changes. I think it is an insecurity thing. Especially since it sounds like your hubby isn't taking such good care of himself...he probably feels guilty.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    It makes sense.

    Lots of things going on there, all of them upsetting!

    -Your husband is on full disability, which forces you into sole repsonsibility for the family. That's a big burden to carry! And if you feel he brought about his own disability, it must be even more difficult.

    -Many men get very nervous and jealous when their partner starts losing weight. Actually, women do too. So that's another huge issue to navigate.

    -Your son was understandably excited to see you and apparently is too young to understand that you had to go to work. Either your husband doesn't get this, or worse, he does and is trying to manipulate you so that you'll feel too guilty to use your long lunches to work out.

    Have you ever considered couples' therapy? Sounds as though there are a lot of issues swirling around beneath the surface?
  • HappyathomeMN
    HappyathomeMN Posts: 498 Member
    Well that just sucks!! And it totally makes sense. It's difficult to say no to fun time with your child(ren), but that is also part of raising them. Teaching them that life isn't always doing what you want when you want. There will be times when it just seems too hard and there will also be many more times of sheer enjoyment. Focus on the enjoyment, parent through the hard and remember that to take care of him, you have to take care of you too!!!

    Btw, you ROCK for gym time at lunch!!
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
    It makes sense.

    Lots of things going on there, all of them upsetting!

    -Your husband is on full disability, which forces you into sole repsonsibility for the family. That's a big burden to carry! And if you feel he brought about his own disability, it must be even more difficult.

    -Many men get very nervous and jealous when their partner starts losing weight. Actually, women do too. So that's another huge issue to navigate.

    -Your son was understandably excited to see you and apparently is too young to understand that you had to go to work. Either your husband doesn't get this, or worse, he does and is trying to manipulate you so that you'll feel too guilty to use your long lunches to work out.

    Have you ever considered couples' therapy? Sounds as though there are a lot of issues swirling around beneath the surface?


    Agree totally.
  • melissahann2010
    melissahann2010 Posts: 44
    Sounds like you and the hubby need to sit and have a good talk . i know how hard ir can be when you are put on the stop ecspecially when your children are involved , its great you have the emotional eating under control. good luck to you and if you want to add me feel free!
  • outdoorsmom
    outdoorsmom Posts: 46 Member
    Sorry to hear of your hubby's insercurities. Funny how when mom wants to take care of herself there must be another motive. Hang in. Good for you not giving in to food. Work the stress off at the gym or play with your son tonight at home. Your son will be over it by the time you get home. I have a lil girl almost 4 and she is usually over things way before mommy.
  • summrrskinny
    summrrskinny Posts: 10
    i think both of you are taking something out on each other. you can't blame someone for becoming disabled no matter what the circumstances. I'm sure he doesn't want to be in the position he is in. I bet he feels inadequate that he can no longer provide for you guys and that bruises his confidence, which is why he is jealous. I take it that there isn't any kind of extra marital relations, or a history of it, as that would be a different issue, but I think you need to learn to respect each other a bit better. You need your space to work on yourself in the gym, and it shouldn't be about other men. He needs to respect that. You can't take his disability out on him, pay him some respect back too. Otherwise the conflicts could ruin things between you and really upset your son.
    You can't tell him to surprise you and then be annoyed at the surprise. Set realistic boundaries and make sure you both know what you are doing as otherwise situation like this will occur. Your son was unnecessarily brought into it.
  • JenniferH81
    JenniferH81 Posts: 285 Member
    mine kinda did the same thing, except he went rooting around in my computer.
    I suggest a long sit down conversation, try to help him get over some of his insecurities.
  • tamheath
    tamheath Posts: 702 Member
    Sorry. I can certainly see why you're upset at him. (( Hugs! )) :flowerforyou:
  • Debbisue52
    Debbisue52 Posts: 87 Member
    Sounds like maybe your husband is feeling a little insecure and decided to take you up on your offer to check up on you....without giving any thought about what it would do to your son, or you. The good news is.....you didn't ease your frustration by eating something awful....good for you!
  • 30tips
    30tips Posts: 132
    can you invite your husband to go with you to the gym (at least once in a while)so he can calm his fears? (Regardless of whether there is any exercise at all he can do or not) Though I agree with someone else who wrote above, that the surprise factor is probably not a good idea, it should be a normal invitation to share something that´s good for you and that your husband might learn to eventually understand.
    Can you do exercise too at the park whenever you go as a family, so they can share the fun of your exercise or at least understand it?
  • keljo05
    keljo05 Posts: 173
    let me see if I can clarify these quick:

    i have no issue with counseling - he won't go

    one of the huge reasons I joined the gym was for stress relief

    i'm more upset because I cant easily blow off an afternoon at work and spend time with my son....and DH knows it upsets me when DS starts asking me to do that.

    my husband's health is related to his refusal to take care of his diabetes and hid his poor choices from everyone. the absolute horror of it is that I watched him nearly die in November after a MASSIVE heart attack and subsequent multi system organ failure that he was never supposed to live thru.

    I told DH this weekend that anytime he wants to check on me at the gym.. he can come into my office ( i work around the corner) and I'll hand him my phone so I can't 'contact anyone' and then he can come in and watch what I do. ... he can't join with me yet as he needs to go to cardiac rehab first as he's still in a recovery phase that needs more work.. we're actually waiting for the info on when they are putting a pacemaker in.

    anyway.... communication is always a problem as his family thinks screaming and jumping to conclusions is normal.... makes for a fun marriage, but I am commited to making it work.
  • rizorw
    rizorw Posts: 67 Member
    Good for you for the commitment. to your marriage. Thus sounds earilly familiar and my husband has been very slow to think about joining me in my weight loss. I needed it to feel and look better, he truly needs it for health reasons. I have gotten phone calls while at work from one of my kids wanting me to come home, and it kills me, I have to work.

    I don't have any good advice for you, just want to say you are a strong person and I hope all gets better with your husbands health. :flowerforyou:
  • JenniferH81
    JenniferH81 Posts: 285 Member

    I told DH this weekend that anytime he wants to check on me at the gym.. he can come into my office ( i work around the corner) and I'll hand him my phone so I can't 'contact anyone' and then he can come in and watch what I do. ...



    ok I'm just gonna say NO to this. Why let him take away your privacy just because he's insecure?
  • keljo05
    keljo05 Posts: 173

    I told DH this weekend that anytime he wants to check on me at the gym.. he can come into my office ( i work around the corner) and I'll hand him my phone so I can't 'contact anyone' and then he can come in and watch what I do. ...



    ok I'm just gonna say NO to this. Why let him take away your privacy just because he's insecure?

    Oh I want him to join and go with myself and my friend... (bff for over 20 years, lol) - I think it would be great for him as he's so social and that will motivate him to go....and while i may have a weight issue, but he's so deconditioned (even before the heart attack) that he really will benefit. He knows our goal is to get him a membership as well.... we just can't do it yet because of cardiac rehab.

    I still think it was one of 2 people in his family that put the affair thought in his head to stir up trouble... and he was with his family a lot last week while I worked
  • JenniferH81
    JenniferH81 Posts: 285 Member

    I told DH this weekend that anytime he wants to check on me at the gym.. he can come into my office ( i work around the corner) and I'll hand him my phone so I can't 'contact anyone' and then he can come in and watch what I do. ...



    ok I'm just gonna say NO to this. Why let him take away your privacy just because he's insecure?

    Oh I want him to join and go with myself and my friend... (bff for over 20 years, lol) - I think it would be great for him as he's so social and that will motivate him to go....and while i may have a weight issue, but he's so deconditioned (even before the heart attack) that he really will benefit. He knows our goal is to get him a membership as well.... we just can't do it yet because of cardiac rehab.

    I still think it was one of 2 people in his family that put the affair thought in his head to stir up trouble... and he was with his family a lot last week while I worked

    my husband went through my pc, because of issues with a family member of his. Doesn't mean he got to invade my only space just for me. Man I was angry.

    Maybe just invite him out for nightly walks instead of jumping right into the gym? Might even be a lovely time for some hand holding ;)
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