Think skinny!

So I was thinking yesterday - I used to be a small person who had the mentality of a fat person. I always thought I was fat and ate like I was fat. Why not eat 4 peices of chocolate cake? I was already fat. I dressed like I was fat. I didn't excercise well because I was "fat". And eventually...well...I became fat.

Looking back if I could only tell myself all those years what I would look like now was actually fat and that I should have been very happy with the effortless little body I had. I never thought I would actually be over 200 lbs because that was GIANT. But...years and years of thinking and behaving like a fat person, 200 came closer and closer and eventually became a goal to lose down to. I blamed the weight gain on turning 21 and drinking alcohol and mixed drinks regularly. Sure, that was part of it. I blamed it on my busy and long work schedule and only being able to grab fast food after work. Sure, that was probably part of it too. I blamed it on not being able to cook so why bother with healthy food at home. Well, it's definately true that I am a terrible cook. I blamed it on a lot of things. But I never thought it could be my attitude causing my body to look the way it became. I pictured being fat. I became fat. I think that's all there really is to it.

As I got fatter and fatter I became depressed. Everytime I weighed myself and the numbers went higher and higher and above 200 I cried. Every time I saw pictures of myself. Every time someone looked at me walking down the road. Every time I tried to hike or excercise with my friends and became easily tired and out of breath. Every time my favorite tops one by one no longer looked cute. Every time I went shopping and went up a size and still was not happy with the cutest pair of jeans. A guy would compliment me and I would assume he couldn't actually mean it, it must be out of pity. I was dreading summer when anyone asked if I wanted to go swimming or I would have to wear shorts and a tank top. Little by little I just started to believe that I was ugly and destined to be ugly. That the days of weighing 135 would be long gone for the rest of my life and I would just have to deal with it. At this point why make my hair or makeup cute since no matter what I would be fat. Weight loss commercials would come on and I would dream of how lucky I would be if someone just swooped in and paid for me to get plastic surgery or have diet pills. Some miracle. Obviously by this point I was delusional. I even used to study nutrution - how crazy could I be to forget it all? Was the weight weighing down my brain?!

I had finally had enough. Watching my friends lose weight and become happier. And then finding out I will soon be a bridesmaid. And wanting to get healthy for when I want to have kids. And plain old just sick of being embarassed about myself. So I signed up for My Fitness Pal. For months and months I tracked my food and did not do anything to change it. I realized in the last month or two that obviously doing nothing does not work.

I started making changes. Not following some fad or "miracle" diet or thinking pills or two days of excercise would change my life. Just trying to be healthier. Part of this became easier as I became carless. But of course becoming carless and taking the bus has made my 11 or 12 hour days 3 hours longer (a blessing and a curse!. More excercise but more exhaustion leading to wanting to binge eat when I get home). Cutting down on drinking and smoking (which usually go hand in hand) was part choice and part not having a ride to go out. I rarely get the chance to eat fast food anymore (and am finally at the point where if I do it makes me sick and never want it again). I rarely get to drive through and lattes anymore. At home I have been eating healthier foods. I still can't cook but I have discovered I love eating baby carrots and low sodium soup along with most of the whole whole grain or natural foods. That since I do not want to carry a bag of sugar from the store I actually enjoy my morning cereal and other foods without a pound of sugar on top. I actually look forward to lunch where I can spend half of it walking somewhere now. And I don't dread walking home from the bus stop as it no longer is such an effort. I am even finding less tempted by the candy bowl on my desk at work. I can actually stop at two peices. And when there is birthday cake or brownies at work I am even having smaller portions of those than I used to, even though I know it is just sitting there all day telling me "but there's some left! have more!". I just am not as tempted.

And now that I am getting better at this healthy living stuff I know I am still overweight but I have the mindset of a skinny. My Healthy choices are becoming easier and easier to make I *feel like a skinny person*! It's wonderful! I feel happier about myself, even if nobody else can see the weight loss (including the scale). Less depressed. And less self conscious and self hatred. More motivated to excercise and clean and whatever else I need to do during the day. Less obsessed with my weight and thinking it is going to ruin every day and moment and meeting. Less feeling like eating junk food. Or actually binging on any food to stop my emotions. And best of all for the first time in my life I am not wanting to quit my diet. Or cheat (which is only cheating myself). I am not wanting to just lose weight and stop.

What a concept! People tell you to think optomistic and your life will improve. If you think the worst it will happen. Maybe this is actually true and even applies to weight! But since it worked the opposite way I am just going to keep thinking skinny! Keep picturing smaller clothes and cute pictures. I am still over 200 pounds. I still can not cook. I still work long hours. But I am not letting it get the best of me. And instead of crying about it I am doing something about it and doing something for myself. Regardless of if I can fit in smaller clothes and have cute pictures now I just have to keep picturing it. And in the process I am finding it much easier to excercise. I definately don't feel like such a freak when I have to run for the bus with the people on the bus watching me attempt to run. I have more energy. My clothes, although still not cute like they used to be, at least fit more comfortably instead of buldging in awkward spots. My skin has been better since cutting out the junk. I am feeling happy and optomistic. I like to stare into the mirror sometimes now. Yes, I still hate when people tag me in fat looking pictures on facebook. But little by little my life is improving. I am finding out that being fat is not a reason to hate your entire life. But being healthy makes you feel accomplished and proud. I am making better hippy choices for the planet by eating foods that were produced with less waste. I am hopefully going to not get diabetes or heart problems like some of my family has. I am looking forward to the future.

It's just amazing. I don't know what any of you will get out of this. I just had to share. Maybe some of you are still in the spot where you're hoping for a miracle and dreading excercise. Maybe some of you are still crying about the scale. Maybe some of you are also thinking skinny. As always any feedback is always appreciated. In the meantime I am going to keep working hard, regardless of the pounds on the scale and the lack of speed of them disappearing.