Need some help being understanding.

Breckgirl
Breckgirl Posts: 606 Member
edited September 25 in Motivation and Support
I have a lot of weight to loose. I have to loose 70 pounds just to get out of the "obese" column and into the "Over weight" column. In total I have 105 pounds to loose to be at a healthy weight. Not slim, not skinny, just healthy. Slim and skinny would be 140 pounds lost.

There is someone who I know who is trying to loose 10 pounds. She is in my age bracket (50s) and I think the 10 pounds would put her at her "wedding weight" back when she was in her twenties.

Here's my problem...

It really bugs me when we get together and she says things like "I'm bummed I only lost .5 pounds last week. I am working out everyday and I still can't loose the weight."

Now, I know that everyone has their own ideal but I would be doing cartwheels if I looked like her! You can throw a turkey between her thighs! She has to be a size 6 or 4!

I need help being understanding and empathetic when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

I do like her and want to keep her as a friend so help me out here.

Replies

  • khk2010
    khk2010 Posts: 451 Member
    I have a friend like that. I guess it's all perspective. I think my friend feels as heavy as I do. It doesn't seem fair though. She at a size 4 and "needing" to lose weight. Now that I've lost a bit of weight I can see her perspective more. I have gotten down to a size many people would be fine with but I still feel fat. I still see what I have to lose.
  • iamhealingmyself
    iamhealingmyself Posts: 579 Member
    don't think about her total loss as only 10 lbs. It's her journey and is still a loss. What would you want to hear if you told her you worked out all week, ate right and only lost half a lb? review her diary with her, maybe she has high salt or too big of a deficit. Helping her find the cause will help you monitor your diary better too. 10lbs or 110lbs - a journey is a journey.See what you can learn from her instead of comparing yourself to her.
  • casseh
    casseh Posts: 58
    I think when it comes to weight it's very hard for people to look past their own concerns. Weight is a very sensitive topic and in the long run, it doesn't matter if you have 20 pounds to lose or 200, it will still be a lot of hard work, determination and will power. I dont think your friend is being insensitive, I think she honestly isn't happy with how she looks and in that respect, you can probably relate to her.
  • pmorrison101
    pmorrison101 Posts: 72
    I am a very vocal person and tell it like it is. I would simply and nicely say to her that you are really trying hard to understand how she can feel frustrated at losing "only" 5 lbs. in a week but you cannot wrap your mind around her feeling that way. If you tell her enough times that you just don't get her complaints, she will stop voicing them to you. Trust me, this works. Some people call me a *****, but those are the ones that don't know me. I want people to be honest with me and so I am honest with them.
  • Jlennhikes
    Jlennhikes Posts: 290 Member
    Based on your description of what she says, it seems like she's trying to share the difficulties of dieting with you, not throw it in your face that she weighs less. If I were you, I would make a joke of it and say something like, yeah, right, I would be thrilled to have your "problem." Maybe that would clue her in that her comments aren't helpful.

    Our own problems seem important to us, and so she probably is upset she can't lose the weight she wants to lose. Everyone is insecure. Congratulations on your loss! Your efforts will continue to pay off :)
  • rfcollins33
    rfcollins33 Posts: 630
    Sometimes I think it is more a problem of body image/self esteem than actually needing or not needing to lose weight. You see what I mean? I'll give you an example. When I was thin (some time back ;p) I had this constant thought and worry that I was fat. I took it for granted then, and wish I could be that size now. Now, I'm not sure if that is your friend's problem, but maybe it will give you some insight. Hopefully she's not just trying to be annoying, maybe she really has some body issues. Who knows. If she's a pretty close friend, you could talk to her and let her know that it's a tad bit ridiculous to go on and on about 1/2 lb when she only has so little to lose, and reassure her a little. If I only had 10 to lose, and I lost 1/2 lb, I'd be doing a little happy dance. :D I hope that helps, or at least helps you be a little patient with her. Sounds like you are a good friend to her! Good luck!!
  • callipygianchronicle
    callipygianchronicle Posts: 811 Member
    Well, just because you have more to lose, doesn’t mean that she isn’t struggling to lose. It’s not up to you to determine what weight she should be satisfied at, just as no one should dictate that for you. There are people who have to lose 300 pounds on this site, and they would love to only have 140 to lose. Their struggle is not more important that yours, and yours is not more important than your friends. It’s just different.

    But the truth is, that your problem has nothing to do with your friend. There is something about the idea of even normal people struggling with their weight that can make those of us who are obese or severely overweight feel like we will never be able to leave “weight-loss mode.” And that feels scary and daunting, like some horrible life sentence. We want to simply have a normal relationship with food some day, and seeing normal weight people struggle, makes it seem like that normal relationship is a faint dream.

    But just because someone is normal weight, does not mean that *they* have a normal relationship with food. That’s why we can’t use someone else’s behavior to measure our own journey. We just commit to ourselves, and work our plan. If someone else has a bad day—even if their goal weight is something we’d never dream of for ourselves—all we can do is have empathy, even when we lack sympathy. We know what it’s like to not lose, and nothing else needs to be said.
  • halexandra
    halexandra Posts: 24 Member
    I think we all have a friend like that! I have a friend who is a size 2 and she is always saying she's fat! It's like, "Okay, if you're fat, what am i??" I can also see what she means though, she is practically skin and bones, and then she has a tiny belly. I guess just try to think where they're coming from. We all have things we believe we can enhance, right?
  • rfcollins33
    rfcollins33 Posts: 630
    I think we all have a friend like that! I have a friend who is a size 2 and she is always saying she's fat! It's like, "Okay, if you're fat, what am i??" I can also see what she means though, she is practically skin and bones, and then she has a tiny belly. I guess just try to think where they're coming from. We all have things we believe we can enhance, right?

    Soooo true, I know exactly what you mean!
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
    Try to remember that her efforts/trials/goals have nothing to do with you. That 10 pounds might be causing her as much strife as the 140 pounds you want to lose. It's not fair to diminish her feelings just because you don't understand them.
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
    Well, just because you have more to lose, doesn’t mean that she isn’t struggling to lose. It’s not up to you to determine what weight she should be satisfied at, just as no one should dictate that for you. There are people who have to lose 300 pounds on this site, and they would love to only have 140 to lose. Their struggle is not more important that yours, and yours is not more important than your friends. It’s just different.

    But the truth is, that your problem has nothing to do with your friend. There is something about the idea of even normal people struggling with their weight that can make those of us who are obese or severely overweight feel like we will never be able to leave “weight-loss mode.” And that feels scary and daunting, like some horrible life sentence. We want to simply have a normal relationship with food some day, and seeing normal weight people struggle, makes it seem like that normal relationship is a faint dream.

    But just because someone is normal weight, does not mean that *they* have a normal relationship with food. That’s why we can’t use someone else’s behavior to measure our own journey. We just commit to ourselves, and work our plan. If someone else has a bad day—even if their goal weight is something we’d never dream of for ourselves—all we can do is have empathy, even when we lack sympathy. We know what it’s like to not lose, and nothing else needs to be said.

    WELL SAID.
  • HighRearGisele
    HighRearGisele Posts: 19
    Hey, I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but I'm glad you posted it. I'm kind of on the other end, to where people get upset and make comments when I talk about losing weight. I'm also glad your topic was to get help being understanding, because that's what I would encourage you to do. Even though she's smaller, she is still very dissatisfied w/herself, and if you say anything negative, it could make her feel guilty, and this puts folks into a huge ambivalent state, obviously making it even tougher. I'm telling you, the less weight you need to lose, it's that much harder. I would try to focus on how much weight you are losing, and the benefits of the fact that when you do lose, it's a much bigger and noticeable reward. When you do get where you want to be, it will probably be a struggle to keep it that way, and you might notice a .5 lb difference and care about that tiny bit much more then. Also, I have been told by people that when I say anything about losing weight, they think "OMG, what do you think about me?" As in, I am judging them. I PROMISE you, it's not like that, at all. People trying to get the last 15 or so pounds off are waaaay too consumed with the struggles of losing the tiny bit than to even think about others. In fact, you might be glad that she is saying these things, b/c that's an indicator that she doesn't feel guilty or think about your weight. Also, I have friends whom are very tiny, and I'm not really concerned about what they think about me, I just try to focus on my own specific goals, and help them, regardless of whether or not I agree. Just try to focus on your progress, and try to remember that it will be you one day, you will understand, and will have to worry about the cons on that side!
  • Breckgirl
    Breckgirl Posts: 606 Member
    Hey, I am so sorry you are experiencing this, but I'm glad you posted it. I'm kind of on the other end, to where people get upset and make comments when I talk about losing weight. I'm also glad your topic was to get help being understanding, because that's what I would encourage you to do. Even though she's smaller, she is still very dissatisfied w/herself, and if you say anything negative, it could make her feel guilty, and this puts folks into a huge ambivalent state, obviously making it even tougher. I'm telling you, the less weight you need to lose, it's that much harder. I would try to focus on how much weight you are losing, and the benefits of the fact that when you do lose, it's a much bigger and noticeable reward. When you do get where you want to be, it will probably be a struggle to keep it that way, and you might notice a .5 lb difference and care about that tiny bit much more then. Also, I have been told by people that when I say anything about losing weight, they think "OMG, what do you think about me?" As in, I am judging them. I PROMISE you, it's not like that, at all. People trying to get the last 15 or so pounds off are waaaay too consumed with the struggles of losing the tiny bit than to even think about others. In fact, you might be glad that she is saying these things, b/c that's an indicator that she doesn't feel guilty or think about your weight. Also, I have friends whom are very tiny, and I'm not really concerned about what they think about me, I just try to focus on my own specific goals, and help them, regardless of whether or not I agree. Just try to focus on your progress, and try to remember that it will be you one day, you will understand, and will have to worry about the cons on that side!

    Thanks for understanding that I'm not trying to be judgemental of her but am truely wanting to understand her perspective. I can tell when she says these things that she is not trying to be a witch about it. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I will look forward to the day I have her issues with weight!
  • sinclare
    sinclare Posts: 369 Member
    She isn't being insensitive to you, but thinking about herself. Make it into a joke, ie, hey we'll have to work out harder! Or meet up twice a day a couple times a week and really ramp up your metabolism. Just remember her comments are directed AT you, rather, she thinks of you as a friend and is just confiding in you about her frustration.

    Lol I have a sister who constantly complains how broke they are... they have a kid in college, a summer home, a plane, etc. I live month to month and shop at thrift stores. But she complains more than me!

    Good luck on your journey, and stay focused. You can do This!
  • Breckgirl
    Breckgirl Posts: 606 Member
    Well, just because you have more to lose, doesn’t mean that she isn’t struggling to lose. It’s not up to you to determine what weight she should be satisfied at, just as no one should dictate that for you. There are people who have to lose 300 pounds on this site, and they would love to only have 140 to lose. Their struggle is not more important that yours, and yours is not more important than your friends. It’s just different.

    But the truth is, that your problem has nothing to do with your friend. There is something about the idea of even normal people struggling with their weight that can make those of us who are obese or severely overweight feel like we will never be able to leave “weight-loss mode.” And that feels scary and daunting, like some horrible life sentence. We want to simply have a normal relationship with food some day, and seeing normal weight people struggle, makes it seem like that normal relationship is a faint dream.

    But just because someone is normal weight, does not mean that *they* have a normal relationship with food. That’s why we can’t use someone else’s behavior to measure our own journey. We just commit to ourselves, and work our plan. If someone else has a bad day—even if their goal weight is something we’d never dream of for ourselves—all we can do is have empathy, even when we lack sympathy. We know what it’s like to not lose, and nothing else needs to be said.

    I agree that my weight loss problems would look good to others who have to loose 300. I try to live by Desirata and it does apply here..."If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself" But sometimes it's harder than others to walk a mile in others shoes, and this is one is proving tough for me. Thanks to you and the others who have posted here. This is helping me greatly. :heart:
  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
    Well, just because you have more to lose, doesn’t mean that she isn’t struggling to lose. It’s not up to you to determine what weight she should be satisfied at, just as no one should dictate that for you. There are people who have to lose 300 pounds on this site, and they would love to only have 140 to lose. Their struggle is not more important that yours, and yours is not more important than your friends. It’s just different.

    But the truth is, that your problem has nothing to do with your friend. There is something about the idea of even normal people struggling with their weight that can make those of us who are obese or severely overweight feel like we will never be able to leave “weight-loss mode.” And that feels scary and daunting, like some horrible life sentence. We want to simply have a normal relationship with food some day, and seeing normal weight people struggle, makes it seem like that normal relationship is a faint dream.

    But just because someone is normal weight, does not mean that *they* have a normal relationship with food. That’s why we can’t use someone else’s behavior to measure our own journey. We just commit to ourselves, and work our plan. If someone else has a bad day—even if their goal weight is something we’d never dream of for ourselves—all we can do is have empathy, even when we lack sympathy. We know what it’s like to not lose, and nothing else needs to be said.

    ^ Great response!
    Try to remember that her efforts/trials/goals have nothing to do with you. That 10 pounds might be causing her as much strife as the 140 pounds you want to lose. It's not fair to diminish her feelings just because you don't understand them.
    :drinker: ^
  • chris0912
    chris0912 Posts: 242 Member
    I used to have the same problem with my mom. She's seriously tiny and pisses and moans if she gains 5 pounds. I got sick of listening to it one day and told her to STFU. And then she explained it to me so that I finally got it. When you're already overweight and out of shape and you gain 5 pounds, you can't necessarily see it or feel it. But when you're at a good weight for your frame and you're in shape, those same 5 pounds can be hugely noticeable.
  • HighRearGisele
    HighRearGisele Posts: 19
    Best wishes! Like I said, enjoy the rapid drop in pounds and sizes like an amusement park ride, b/c the thrill of losing the tiny bits are nothing like those times of joy! I'm excited for you and your next 70 lbs. Also, that's great that she's a good person, b/c I was kind of wondering about that, but took the assumption that she must be or you would recognize she's immature and wouldn't be trying to work with her. Add me as a friend so I can keep up!
  • NanoReefDiver
    NanoReefDiver Posts: 153
    Well, just because you have more to lose, doesn’t mean that she isn’t struggling to lose. It’s not up to you to determine what weight she should be satisfied at, just as no one should dictate that for you. There are people who have to lose 300 pounds on this site, and they would love to only have 140 to lose. Their struggle is not more important that yours, and yours is not more important than your friends. It’s just different.

    But the truth is, that your problem has nothing to do with your friend. There is something about the idea of even normal people struggling with their weight that can make those of us who are obese or severely overweight feel like we will never be able to leave “weight-loss mode.” And that feels scary and daunting, like some horrible life sentence. We want to simply have a normal relationship with food some day, and seeing normal weight people struggle, makes it seem like that normal relationship is a faint dream.

    But just because someone is normal weight, does not mean that *they* have a normal relationship with food. That’s why we can’t use someone else’s behavior to measure our own journey. We just commit to ourselves, and work our plan. If someone else has a bad day—even if their goal weight is something we’d never dream of for ourselves—all we can do is have empathy, even when we lack sympathy. We know what it’s like to not lose, and nothing else needs to be said.

    Very well said! I only have a few pounds to lose and am working on toning. It's difficult to stick with working out so often and eating right when you step on the scale and can only expect less than a pound down, and it may not even happen for weeks due to water weight or muscle gain!!! I have to work my *kitten* off for like an hour to burn 300 calories whereas my boyfriend can easily do it in half the time. I tend to go crazy with portion sizes and have trouble staying at or under my calories. He likes smaller meals/less snacking and if he exercises then he works just as hard to get up to his minimum calories. We are reunited in our struggle to not indulge in sweets!! I take a day off and I try to not gain. He takes a day off and may very well still lose weight, but he has much farther to go than I do. But again we are reunited cause it just means we are both in this battle for the long haul. My struggle is just as hard as his and vice versa. It's just different!
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    When I read your post I thought about all the times I have felt a similar way to you. When my friends moan about their silly little quarrels with their husbands, I think to myself "I wish my husband was still alive to argue with", when they moan about not being able to afford to go overseas this year, I think "I wish I could just take my children on holiday just once this year", when someone moans to me about how their children are spoilt, I think "It is a choice how you spend your time/money, make it count because your loves ones may not be here tomorrow".

    Perspective is a wonderful thing, we all have our own journeys, and we cannot and should not judge other people their lives, as we really cannot understand where they are coming from, besides jealously can eat us from the inside out. You are looking to understand her, when maybe you can just wish for acceptance??

    Blessings and congratulations in how far you have gotten so far.

    GG
  • Painten
    Painten Posts: 499 Member
    My sister has a lot less to lose than me. She is a lot slimmer. When i look at her, to me she looks fine. I'd be ecstatic to be even close to her weight, however i know she is struggling to lose. She has been battling with the same 6lb for months now. On off, on off. For us bigger people we have to realise if we eat clean we can lose more easier. For every lb i lose my sister must lose 1 oz or something like. She is on here and she sees my calories burned and when she logs hers she doesn't have half the burn for more work.

    Really you just have to realise that actually it's as hard for slimmer people to lose weight as it is for us bigger people, just in different ways, and just because she has less to lose doesn't mean it's less of an issue for her than it is for you.
  • foodforfuel
    foodforfuel Posts: 569 Member
    Having lost a lot of weight in the past, I can tell you that the last 5-10 pounds were they absolute hardest for me to lose. It took an incredible amount of focus and discipline. To me it is very comparable to how hard it is to make the commitment to the lifestylye change and discipline needed when you first start out with a long way to go. I've been in both places, and they are equally as hard, yet different. As long as she isn't doing anything to harm herself, she probably needs a sounding board just as much as you do! And friends do that for each other. :heart:
  • crazycat828
    crazycat828 Posts: 54
    Try to be patient with her. Remember you're both just trying to better yourselves and are making healthy choices. I don't think she's trying to downplay your efforts. Maybe she just wants to share something you both have in common to talk about..
  • Breckgirl
    Breckgirl Posts: 606 Member
    :heart: Thank you all for your wisdom and input. This site is the best only because of the wonderful people on it...YOU ROCK!!!:heart:
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
    I have the opposite perspective. My friend and I started losing weight around the same time. She wanted to lose what I wanted to weigh. I have 10lbs to go to my goal, and she has about 80. She is extremely unsupportive of my weight loss because as she said it "I wish I had your problem". When I look in the mirror I dont think - well at least its only 10 and not 100. I SEE and FEEL that 10lbs and its as much of a struggle for me as it is for her to not like what you see in the mirror. I have never bragged about my weight to her, I have only been encouraging and supportive and the last time we discussed our weight loss journey she was down right rude when I told her the scale hadn't budged for me in weeks.

    Just remember there will always be people that have more to lose than you do, and there will always people who have less....but our daily choices and decisions are all based on the same motivation and will power.
  • astovey
    astovey Posts: 578 Member
    I understand. I have a friend that just ran a marathon...like 26 miles. She calls women that weight 150 "heavy"....my goal is 145 :-/
    She complains about her weight and going to the gym etc.....sometimes I just think she doesn't understand what it feels like to be as big as most people are...all of us fatties over 150. But at the same time, I think most women aren't happy with their body no matter what size they are so I try to be understanding.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    It's totally a perspective thing. When I started last year, I was in the same boat as the OP - 100 pounds to lose and most of my friends are skinny but are always talking about "feeling fat" or wanting to lose a few pounds. At first I did feel like "if you're fat, what does that make me?" and think I even said it to my closest friends. Thing is, they're kind of like my DH and don't necessarily see how heavy I am because they love me and see that I'm still active and happy. Anyway, after some soul searching, I realized that it's all about how we feel about ourselves. Many women say "I feel fat" when they really mean "I'm so bloated today" or "I wish my thighs weren't so flabby" or even "I hate my outfit today". It's a generic self-insult that's easy to toss around. I learned to ignore it at face value and know in my head that they don't really think they're obese, just not feeling so self-secure.

    In the end, I let those friends see themselves as heavy if they chose to and teamed up with one or two of them as part of this journey. Sure they only have 10 pounds to lose while I have about 40 pounds left to lose but we're all really in the same boat together...trying to eat right and be fit. Might as well look at it in a posibitive light, support them and get their support as well!
  • Breckgirl
    Breckgirl Posts: 606 Member
    I understand. I have a friend that just ran a marathon...like 26 miles. She calls women that weight 150 "heavy"....my goal is 145 :-/
    She complains about her weight and going to the gym etc.....sometimes I just think she doesn't understand what it feels like to be as big as most people are...all of us fatties over 150. But at the same time, I think most women aren't happy with their body no matter what size they are so I try to be understanding.

    See, I've never been that person. I was bone thin through age 32...I even had to gain weight to join the Air Force. I never paid much attention to my body or anyone elses body for that matter. The only thing I didn't like was my boobs, but then most women aren't happy with thoses, so I didn't worry. So I don't understand people that are thin or at a good weight being unhappy with their bodies. It just seems petti to me. Maybe it was because I grew up with a next door neighbor who lost an arm in a combine. It's makes you look at life differently.
  • raven1114
    raven1114 Posts: 115 Member
    i know people like that and yes it is aggravating. i honestly just try to avoid people like that or at least try to avoid the subject of dieting with them.
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