"Sticks and Stones..."

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36jessica
36jessica Posts: 319 Member
in Motivation and Support
I hear/read it constantly: "You need to get healthy for YOURSELF!" "Do it for YOU!" "It doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks...charge on!" etc, but the truth of the matter is, even if I AM doing it for myself (at the end of the day I'm the primary beneficiary) I still have trouble with what others think. I've tried to lose weight THOUSANDS of times before. I've publicly (family and friends) declared my war on weight so many times that I've become a joke. In fact, except for MFP and my husband (who I also told to mind his own business), I've told no one else. If I do tell my family, I know they'll just roll their eyes -- "Whatever". Still, not telling anyone has set me up for the mother-in-law comments: "Wow you're getting big" or, like today after making a lunch (that I'll have to work off over a three day period) that she'd be completely offended I didn't eat: "Good thing that dress is elastic so you can still wear it". Or the uncle comment: "Maybe you can help us carry grandpa upstairs...we need someone big and hetfy"...and so on. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. It hurts. Yes, I am doing it for me, and it has nothing to do with 'them', so why can't I just be left alone? More importantly, (and maybe I'm just too frail emotionally) why do their comments sting so much? For the first time I feel completely committed to this journey and I know it won't be fast or easy, but I'd like it to be as emotionally painless as possible. How do you all deal with the comments?

Replies

  • emersmurf
    emersmurf Posts: 27
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    Not sure how to respond to this, except that you need friends to support your decisions and be there for you no matter what. I've sent you a friend request. This site has helped me so much, and the support here is awesome. I wish you all the best in your journey!
  • cast59
    cast59 Posts: 77 Member
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    If you stick with MFP and get a solid base of friends that will show you encouragement you will succeed.
    And as you transform into the new you, the haters and non believers will see that they were wrong. I know the comments hurt because i have heard them too. But i believe in us. If you want it bad enough you can do it and i would be there to help!!!
    Good Luck
  • ShellyMacchi
    ShellyMacchi Posts: 975 Member
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    have you tried actually telling your family such comments hurt you?
    some folks (sadly) tend to be unaware of the way their comments really make us feel inside, and need to be actually told.

    it may not stop everyone from saying thoughtless things... but may help make some more aware that you are simply not happy as you are, you want to do what you can to change that, and need their help by not making you feel 'bad' by the comments they make, as to succeed you need to find positive influences ('cause the negative ones have not worked to date *S*)

    worth a try? *S*
    good luck in your journey.. you've come to the right place for sure.
  • jennywrens
    jennywrens Posts: 208
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    What you say is "I can do something about my weight, unfortunately I suspect you'll always me mean, rude and hurtful"

    Seriously, its not on that people say this to you! You need to pull them up on it and ask them to stop!
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
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    I'm sad for you that your family does not know how to be supportive when you're struggling.

    I never really got comments from my family, except my mother would occasionally suggest I do weight watchers with her...I have been on MFP for a while and started my healthier lifestyle about 6 weeks ago, and last night had a detailed conversation with her about it for the first time...and she is SO excited to see me (we live in the same city but only get together once a month or so) that I had to say, gee I've only dropped 10 pounds, I'm really not gonna look that different! But it's nice to know the support is there...

    I got more comments/attitude from people who didn't really know me (and who didn't know me for the first 32 years of my life when I was skinny and athletic)...and when I would take offense at "fat jokes" my guy friends make, they were surprised, like they didn't perceive me as a fat woman...but anyway, feel free to friend me, I am always up for talking to people :)

    Ellen
  • Levahna
    Levahna Posts: 132
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    Comments do hurt unfortunately!! Let the haters keep hatin'. . . You just take care of you!! Look for supports. . . friends, people here on MFP. Find someone who can help you on your journey versus those spitting venom. You deserve the support!! Feel free to friend me.
    The journey isn't easy but it is well worth it in the end! :)
  • cutelashawn
    cutelashawn Posts: 182
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    Thats just plain MEAN. Family suppose to be there to support you through the hard times in life. But I understand your pain. You should just tell people that you are trying to make a change in your lifestyle and to please respect that and keep their comments to theirselves. Eventually your hard work through diet and exercise they will see how hard you have been workin. We are your support when you need it. Here at MFP its like we all are a big family! Good Luck to you, and you can add me to your friends list if you want additional support.
  • bloodbank
    bloodbank Posts: 468 Member
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    I don't know how I could deal with those types of comments, and truthfully you shouldn't have to. Your family is being absolutely cruel, and I think the first order of business would be making it clear that cruelty is not acceptable. I'm sorry you have this sort of sh!tty thing in your life.
  • BeastieGirl
    BeastieGirl Posts: 76
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    Hi,
    They say the things they say because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are things about themselves they hate, too, but if you're obviously big you are an easier target.
    I'm sure you can do it and I would urge you to use this community, they are very supportive, but I'll leave you with one more piece of advice.......even when you lose the weight, those same people will pick fault with you, probably tell you you've lost too much weight etc. It's because they're jealous, because you finally did what you said you would do and changed something major in your life, but they haven't had the courage to do that.
    You'll soon find out who your real friends are and don't worry about pleasing others, no matter what you do they'll never be happy with the way you are, so BE YOURSELF and stuff them!

    Wishing you all the best xxxxx
  • nerdyandilikeit
    nerdyandilikeit Posts: 2,185 Member
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    sometimes i feel like my family thinks im kindof a joke even if they don't say it to me, too. not just with weightloss. but when it came to this time, i felt really ready to commit and mfp has given me the tools to actually prove them wrong this time. all you can do is prove them wrong by accomplishing what you set out to do, no matter how long it takes! no one is perfect, but you're only a failure if you quit! its something that has taken my whole life to learn and im still learning! that doesnt make it hurt less when my little cousins ask me if im pregnant or when my mom and dad make little jabs at me, trying to help but not realizing that i know better than anyone how big i let myself get. it doesn't really matter who you get to support you, you just need to find someone and tell the rest to shove it! and the closer you get to your goal, the more you can say "Hey! I've lost X amount of pounds! I'm not hefty anymore!" and hopefully eventually they will get the point. :)
  • 1234lbsgone
    1234lbsgone Posts: 296 Member
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    What it boils down to is... YOU.

    Those comments are hurtful, yes. You cannot change the people who say them. The only thing you can change is you. They are rude and unsupportive, thats their problem.

    It's easier said than done, but it's your choice whether those comments affect you. If you want to beat the game, you have to change the way you see it. Take those comments witha grain of salt and turn them around in your head. "That may be how he/she sees me, but that's not how I see me. My opinion of me is all that matters."

    You can walk away. Who cares if so and so will be offended if you do not eat their food. Does she care if her comments hurt you? Obviously not. Stand proud and say it loud, "No thanks, I'm not hungry." and walk away. Let her think what she wants, it's not your problem. It only becomes your problem if you let her get to you and you give in to her. Don't do it. There is confidence within you, pull it out. When they say we need someone hefty to carry Grandpa upstairs, you turn it araound, "I'm strong enough to do what they cannot do because I am a healthy and fit person." Doesn't matter if you are not at the moment, say those words to yourself often, "I am healthy and fit." Thoughts held in mind, produce after their kind.

    Don't explain anything to anyone, you don't owe anybody a dammmm thang girl! Get up, chin up, and do what you need to do for you and only YOU.

    Get it girl!!
  • eeeekie
    eeeekie Posts: 1,011 Member
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    I cannot believe how cruel some people can be...especially people who you consider family. How rude and mean are they!

    Keep your chin up. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice...just try hard to ignore them even though it's very hard.
  • kfortenberry89
    kfortenberry89 Posts: 12
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    I feel your pain:/

    My parents & sister are very, very supportive. However, my in-laws & step grandmother have said things like that to me. I've heard things like, "Wow! Your belly is getting huge..are you sure you're not pregnant?" or "You've gained so much weight lately, I bet you're going broke trying to buy new clothes to fit!" or "You don't go hungry much do you? You look corn fed." (cows are fed corn to fatten them up before slaughter)

    My husband is supportive, in his own way, I suppose. His idea of motivation used to be yelling "run, fat *kitten*, run" while running past me on the track. He also liked to say things like "are you sure you want to eat that?" Which in turn (because I'm so stubborn) resulted in me getting upset & eating it all just to spite him. That was until I finally told him how hurtful his comments were...He really didn't realize he was hurting my feelings! Maybe your family doesn't either? I haven't found the courage to stand up to my in-laws yet & I don't think it would change anything for some of them but I know it would be worth a try. It's all very frustrating:/

    Bottomline...it hurts like hell to hear these things but I've learned to let them propel me forward instead of hold me back. It took a while, I had convinced myself that they were right & this was as good I was ever going to be. That's simply not true though, I'm better than that & so are you honey!

    The people on MFP are amazing...stick with them & you'll find nothing but support, guidance & sympathy when needed. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you have so many people, who don't even know you, whole heartedly supporting you in your journey towards a better, healthier life! Feel free to add me if you wish:)
  • 36jessica
    36jessica Posts: 319 Member
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    Thank you ALL for the support! In the past those comments would have sent me right into a binge but I've actually been good! I also got the courage to tell my husband that his mother's comments were offensive, although I will most likely NOT tell my mother-in-law. It's not a fear issue. I just don't want to get into a situation where I'm told something like "Wow, you're SO sensitive! I was just kidding" or any other kind thing which would turn the whole situation into something gruesome. When I wrote on this topic last Sunday, nobody knew how I felt because I NEVER let on when I'm hurt by comments. I usually just laugh it off on the outside while I'm humiliated on the inside. Still, it's really nobody's business but my own and that's something I'm learning. Yes, I'm very unhappy with the way I look, but NOBODY (except my husband) would ever guess because I don't show it. So, thank you all again. I consider MFP my 'little secret' -- a nice soothing place to come to. To all of you who have had (or are having) this type of experience: Ugly words DO hurt, but only you can decide how much. Are you going to take it as if it were a teeny-tiny pinprick? Or are you gonna let them hit you like a mack truck? I pick the pinprick...a tiny little sting which is gone before you know it! Feeling good, feeling strong, and feeling PROUD... I lost another 1/2 kg.:blushing:
  • diverchic73
    diverchic73 Posts: 314 Member
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    Hi, there are ways of letting people know that their behaviour is not acceptable to you in a polite manner. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that by anyone! Yes, you can control how much you let comments hurt but they show a complete lack of respect.

    I would either tell them that their comments may be made in jest but that they hurt and therefore please stop. If they do not respect your feelings, don't go there. You do not need to go somewhere where you will be picked on. Your husband should support that decision as well.


    Oh, Congrats on losing the 1/2kg! :happy:
  • mom2claudia
    mom2claudia Posts: 53
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    Geez, you should really call those people on the carpet for the cruel things they say to you. A "Wow, that was very hurtful and disrespectful. Do you think that was appropriate" might suffice. I know it sounds all unicorny, but these people lack common sense, manners and tact. You should not surround yourself with people like these. They are toxic, and I'm guessing they're toxic in other ways as well. I say this as someone who always got snide remarks from my sisters and my mother growing up. I can't tell you how sick I was of being referred to as the "fat sister" or being asked what I was "eating again. Didn't you just eat?" People like those need to be called to task and informed how rude they are.

    I'm sending you a friend request, too, as I just feel like I want to help cheer you on. I'm newish to MFP (only about a month), but what I lack in expertise, I try to make up for it by being a good support to my "friends." Actually, in my time here, I've found the news feed and the community here to sort of be like my "12 Step Program." When I feel like just diving into the closest naughty food, I log in and see literally thousands of people who are just where I am, feeling exactly how I'm feeling, wondering if we even "deserve" to get healthier and lighter. Lean on others here.... and help others become stronger as well. And one day, I hope I'll be reading all about you in the "success stories" section. :)

    Good luck in your journey!
  • CaptainAmerica1970
    CaptainAmerica1970 Posts: 435
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    Wow, first of all I would like to encourage you to set your goal, stick to your goal and yes even tell the world your goal. It saddens me to hear you are verbally under attack. On behalf of them and all, I would like to say Forgive me and them I am sorry. But, one would have to ask themselves what is the purpose of you being attacked? could it be you are destined for greater things, could it be as you lose weight, get fit, and forgive those who have maliciously hurt you that you will trueley be free from not only their persecution but all persection. Because hurt people hurt people. I would like to bless you to be an overcomer and a champion not only for yourself but also for those around you God Bless you.

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