heartbroken mom advice...

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chanstriste13
chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
my mom just called it off with her boyfriend of 4 years or so. here's the back story:

my mom and dad were married for nearly 35 years, but my dad died from a brain tumor on may 11, 2002. a couple years later, mom started seeing this one fellow that was pretty nice, but he had the exact mannerisms of my dad - that didn't last long. a couple years after that, she started seeing the current. they had big plans - he was going to buy a house in my town, got it under contract and everything, and bailed. they were engaged, planned a wedding and honeymoon, and he bailed. the wedding was set for last october and he bailed in august.

however, mom still wanted to keep him in her life. so they've continued their relationship since, with a near breakup that didn't happen just before christmas. they just came back from a trip to vegas with a couple of friends last weekend. on sunday night they were watching some music award show together, comfy as anything, and then just yesterday, she calls to tell me it's over.

so here's my predicament: i feel awful for my mom, and i know that she is so sad and upset right now. i'm being totally supportive of her, and i'm listening to everything she has to say, and i'm doing my best to make her feel better.

however, there is this insistent voice in the back of my head that just wants to scream at her because she's know what a putz he is for a pretty long time now. i've never understood how she could stay with him after he let their wedding fold - and they had been planning it for over a year.

i just feel very much at odds with myself - part of me wants to coddle her, part of me wants to tell her to put on her big-girl panties and deal with it. and i feel like such a horrible daughter for those thoughts! but when your 65 year old mother calls you at 7 o'clock in the morning to tell you that her life is over because she's not seeing putz anymore...it's not that i don't sympathize, but she sounds like my 24 year old sister.

also, i feel a degree of resentment that putz is getting all of this weeping and moaning when all my dead father would want to do is kick his *kitten*.

and my mom is not some little old lady who sits in a rocker all day. she's very active, social and pretty - looks more like she's in her late 40's, goes dancing most weekends...it's not like putz is her last hope to be happy, though that's what she told me this morning.

of course, i haven't told my mom any of this little bit...aside from when i told her that it's not like their going to put her in a storage box and cart her off tomorrow - it ain't over 'til your dead.

sigh.

i feel like an awful daughter.
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Replies

  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    Don't feel bad ... I don't blame you for feeling that way. Hopefully you can find a balance between comforting your mom and reminding her that he was a loser and she can do better. Good luck
  • mlemonroe2
    mlemonroe2 Posts: 603
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    I don't think you should feel badly that you want to tell your mom he was a doosh. I wouldn't, though, until maybe some time has passed. She dosn't want to hear that now. Just be suportive, like you have been, and once she is feeling like her life is less over, go ahead and tell her how you felt about him.
  • JulieChocolate
    JulieChocolate Posts: 2 Member
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    You are such a good daughter to care so much. I am also so sorry about your father. Maybe a combination of what you suggest - more of a tough love approach, "I love you, but this guy hurts you over and over. It will be rough the first month or two, but QUIT him cold turkey, and you'll open yourself up to REAL love and happiness!"
    Good Luck, Julie - mom of 4
  • wiggleroom
    wiggleroom Posts: 322 Member
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    I think you're a fabulous daughter who adores her mom! Both of your instincts come from being protective of her (I love that you say your dad would kick his ... y'know).

    Maybe you could take her out to lunch or for a long walk or something, allowing you to begin with sympathy and talk her through things until you naturally get to a place where you can honestly tell her that Mr. Putz is a waste of her precious time and her fabulous self. You can simultaneously comfort her and make her realize that she's way too wonderful for him. Maybe help her make plans for the immediate future without him -- could be she just doesn't really know what to do with herself on a day-to-day basis without him there.
  • OLP76
    OLP76 Posts: 768 Member
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    No matter at what age - a heartbroken is a hard thing to deal with.
    Just be there for your Mother :flowerforyou:
  • Amber_Kunkel
    Amber_Kunkel Posts: 52
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    I feel that honesty is the best policy however maybe not put it so bluntley. Maybe try letting her know that if he no longer wants to be with her then its his loss, not her's. I go through the same thing with my older sister who calls me for advice all the time. She calls me because she knows I'll be honest with her and tell her exactly how it is. And whenever she yells 'Sissy!' at me after a comment or two, I always say the same thing, 'Atleast I'm honest.' After someone goes through a break-up initaily dealing with it is rough but hopefully soon she'll be over his sorry *kitten* and move on. Also try making her laugh about the situation, that also helps people deal. Hope this helps and good luck.
  • kent4j
    kent4j Posts: 391 Member
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    You are not an awful daughter that's probably how everyone would feel. I think you need to give her a few days to be sad and be supportive just like you're doing. Then you can talk to her about what a loser this guy is, how great she is and she'll be better off without him. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure there's someone out there that can offer her happiness more so than this guy.
  • DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo
    DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo Posts: 296
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    edit
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
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    It's good to let your frustration out here. You need to just be there for her.

    I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch.

    Best wishes.
  • pretentiouskate
    pretentiouskate Posts: 186
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    Ya know, I wonder how many relationships your mom has been in? So many women, especially in older generations, went from parents to husband - with maybe one other boyfriend in between ... which makes breakups harder than they would be on someone who's experienced them multiple times.

    It sounds like this guy really is a jerk, and maybe in a few weeks you can sit down with your mom and bash him - but for now, come on, she's your mom and she's hurting, even if it does seem immature to you.
  • givprayz
    givprayz Posts: 328
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    Tell her everything. Start with the soft stuff, how much you love her, how your dad loved and honored her, etc. Then slowly go into the things that were warning signs, the things that made putz a putz, and eventually do some joint bashing on him. Then take her shopping for something really flattering to her, and take her out, or have her friends take her out. She needs to move from "poor me" to "lucky me, I'm out of that for good!"

    You're a good daughter! Keep it up.
  • DarkAngel864
    DarkAngel864 Posts: 229 Member
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    I've done the same thing with my mom. We are very close, which can be a blessing and a curse. Usually in your situation, I would just listen, and not say a word. She'll get it all out of her system and eventually ask your opinion. You don't have to scream like you want to (and like I've wanted to so many times) but you can certainly tell her your honest thoughts. Hell, my mom never held back with HER opinions so I feel like I should be entitled to mine with her problems, too!

    Hope it sorts out soon :flowerforyou:
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
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    Just like a good friend would do, just be supportive of your mom and lend her an ear. Do not use this as an opportunity to bash him because if she does end up back with him it will just make everyone uncomfortable.
  • paniolo5
    paniolo5 Posts: 186 Member
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    From my experience with friends/children's relationships, it doesn't do any good to tell the person what a putz they've been dating because they just get defensive for their ex. They have to figure it out for themselves, which she will in her own time. She just needs support right now that she'll be fine, she's a great person, etc. Maybe later you'll get the chance to tell her that he wasn't good for her! It's difficult when you are conflicted but I don't believe she needs to hear the bad stuff at this time. It sounds like your a really great daughter and have been there for her, so hang in there & it will work itself out. And you can always come back on here and vent some more if you need to. :laugh: Good luck!
  • ChristineMiller2
    ChristineMiller2 Posts: 116
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    hug her and support her.
  • PaulaDygert
    PaulaDygert Posts: 148 Member
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    Don't feel like an awful daughter because your not, just remember she needs time to be upset then help to get up and move on. Even though the signs were clear she has feelings for him and won't be over him in a day. I know I can look back at my past relationships and see times where I let my feelings totally blind me into hoping that they would change and/or excusing their behaviors then being totally heart broken when it didn't play out in reality how I thought it should in my head. Just support her and when she has had enough pity pot time help her off
  • skinnyjeans13
    skinnyjeans13 Posts: 179
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    Definitely don't feel bad for your thoughts, they are rational... I've been through the exact same thing with my mom and for months she was in denial but not looking back she knows that the relationship ending was for the best and even agrees that her putz was a putz and it wasn't just me that though so anymore!

    You are just looking out for your mom and wanting what's best for her. She may be sad and emotional now but she WILL grow out of it. A break-up is a break-up, not matter the person's age.

    You're doing great just listening to her and talking to her, she'll adjust and move on with time- like we all do!
  • Aintplayin
    Aintplayin Posts: 102
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    I know this is hard for your mom as well a for you. 35 years is a long time. I'm sure there is still some mourning there even though it's been nearly 10 years since your father's passing. Do you think your mom wants him around because she loves the potential? I mean I'm sure he's not a douche all of the time. Is she maybe only focusing on those good times and is remaining completely oblivious to the bad times?

    You're a good daughter. I agree with everyone else... just keep letting her know you're there for her.
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
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    I know you just want to scream at her and tell her she was so silly to let it go on for so long when it was so obvious he was stringing her along. Your mother knows all this and probs knows its how you feel and its part of the reason she is so upset, she is probably beating herself up on the inside for letting it go on for so long and not realising sooner. All you can do is be there for her, and not be negative about what has happened, maybe try and be understanding.

    It's like my mother split up from my father after 20years last year because my father cheated on her, she then got with this guy(probs the first guy that showed her attention) and that was it she is in this relationship with this man that is lazy, selfish and unsociable and sometimes so immature. I love my mother with all my heart, she knows she can do better deep down and she knows I think it too, but I've never told her that and I try and listen to my mum moan about him and just say thinks that are very broad like typical men and I try to include him at christmas' and birthday's. Maybe my mother is scared no-one else will love her or shes getting too old to find love, but thats all bull and itll take time for her to realise it and ditch the horrible man, but all we can do is be patient.

    So maybe just be patient and supportive and fingers crossed your mother will soon realise she deserves better and can get better and will move on.

    XX
  • wewon
    wewon Posts: 838 Member
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    People deal with grief in their own way, and more times than not it can be frustrating. She may deal with this in a storm and be done just as quickly.

    At least she's not with the putz anymore.

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