heartbroken mom advice...

chanstriste13 · April 2011

my mom just called it off with her boyfriend of 4 years or so. here's the back story:

my mom and dad were married for nearly 35 years, but my dad died from a brain tumor on may 11, 2002. a couple years later, mom started seeing this one fellow that was pretty nice, but he had the exact mannerisms of my dad - that didn't last long. a couple years after that, she started seeing the current. they had big plans - he was going to buy a house in my town, got it under contract and everything, and bailed. they were engaged, planned a wedding and honeymoon, and he bailed. the wedding was set for last october and he bailed in august.

however, mom still wanted to keep him in her life. so they've continued their relationship since, with a near breakup that didn't happen just before christmas. they just came back from a trip to vegas with a couple of friends last weekend. on sunday night they were watching some music award show together, comfy as anything, and then just yesterday, she calls to tell me it's over.

so here's my predicament: i feel awful for my mom, and i know that she is so sad and upset right now. i'm being totally supportive of her, and i'm listening to everything she has to say, and i'm doing my best to make her feel better.

however, there is this insistent voice in the back of my head that just wants to scream at her because she's know what a putz he is for a pretty long time now. i've never understood how she could stay with him after he let their wedding fold - and they had been planning it for over a year.

i just feel very much at odds with myself - part of me wants to coddle her, part of me wants to tell her to put on her big-girl panties and deal with it. and i feel like such a horrible daughter for those thoughts! but when your 65 year old mother calls you at 7 o'clock in the morning to tell you that her life is over because she's not seeing putz anymore...it's not that i don't sympathize, but she sounds like my 24 year old sister.

also, i feel a degree of resentment that putz is getting all of this weeping and moaning when all my dead father would want to do is kick his *kitten*.

and my mom is not some little old lady who sits in a rocker all day. she's very active, social and pretty - looks more like she's in her late 40's, goes dancing most weekends...it's not like putz is her last hope to be happy, though that's what she told me this morning.

of course, i haven't told my mom any of this little bit...aside from when i told her that it's not like their going to put her in a storage box and cart her off tomorrow - it ain't over 'til your dead.

sigh.

i feel like an awful daughter.

janalayn · April 2011

Don't feel bad ... I don't blame you for feeling that way. Hopefully you can find a balance between comforting your mom and reminding her that he was a loser and she can do better. Good luck

mlemonroe2 · April 2011

I don't think you should feel badly that you want to tell your mom he was a doosh. I wouldn't, though, until maybe some time has passed. She dosn't want to hear that now. Just be suportive, like you have been, and once she is feeling like her life is less over, go ahead and tell her how you felt about him.

JulieChocolate · April 2011

You are such a good daughter to care so much. I am also so sorry about your father. Maybe a combination of what you suggest - more of a tough love approach, "I love you, but this guy hurts you over and over. It will be rough the first month or two, but QUIT him cold turkey, and you'll open yourself up to REAL love and happiness!"
Good Luck, Julie - mom of 4

wiggleroom · April 2011

I think you're a fabulous daughter who adores her mom! Both of your instincts come from being protective of her (I love that you say your dad would kick his ... y'know).

Maybe you could take her out to lunch or for a long walk or something, allowing you to begin with sympathy and talk her through things until you naturally get to a place where you can honestly tell her that Mr. Putz is a waste of her precious time and her fabulous self. You can simultaneously comfort her and make her realize that she's way too wonderful for him. Maybe help her make plans for the immediate future without him -- could be she just doesn't really know what to do with herself on a day-to-day basis without him there.

OLP76 · April 2011

No matter at what age - a heartbroken is a hard thing to deal with.
Just be there for your Mother :flowerforyou:

Amber_Kunkel · April 2011

I feel that honesty is the best policy however maybe not put it so bluntley. Maybe try letting her know that if he no longer wants to be with her then its his loss, not her's. I go through the same thing with my older sister who calls me for advice all the time. She calls me because she knows I'll be honest with her and tell her exactly how it is. And whenever she yells 'Sissy!' at me after a comment or two, I always say the same thing, 'Atleast I'm honest.' After someone goes through a break-up initaily dealing with it is rough but hopefully soon she'll be over his sorry *kitten* and move on. Also try making her laugh about the situation, that also helps people deal. Hope this helps and good luck.

kent4j · April 2011

You are not an awful daughter that's probably how everyone would feel. I think you need to give her a few days to be sad and be supportive just like you're doing. Then you can talk to her about what a loser this guy is, how great she is and she'll be better off without him. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure there's someone out there that can offer her happiness more so than this guy.

DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo · April 2011

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dlaplume2 · April 2011

It's good to let your frustration out here. You need to just be there for her.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch.

Best wishes.

pretentiouskate · April 2011

Ya know, I wonder how many relationships your mom has been in? So many women, especially in older generations, went from parents to husband - with maybe one other boyfriend in between ... which makes breakups harder than they would be on someone who's experienced them multiple times.

It sounds like this guy really is a jerk, and maybe in a few weeks you can sit down with your mom and bash him - but for now, come on, she's your mom and she's hurting, even if it does seem immature to you.

givprayz · April 2011

Tell her everything. Start with the soft stuff, how much you love her, how your dad loved and honored her, etc. Then slowly go into the things that were warning signs, the things that made putz a putz, and eventually do some joint bashing on him. Then take her shopping for something really flattering to her, and take her out, or have her friends take her out. She needs to move from "poor me" to "lucky me, I'm out of that for good!"

You're a good daughter! Keep it up.

DarkAngel864 · April 2011

I've done the same thing with my mom. We are very close, which can be a blessing and a curse. Usually in your situation, I would just listen, and not say a word. She'll get it all out of her system and eventually ask your opinion. You don't have to scream like you want to (and like I've wanted to so many times) but you can certainly tell her your honest thoughts. Hell, my mom never held back with HER opinions so I feel like I should be entitled to mine with her problems, too!

Hope it sorts out soon :flowerforyou:

BflSaberfan · April 2011

Just like a good friend would do, just be supportive of your mom and lend her an ear. Do not use this as an opportunity to bash him because if she does end up back with him it will just make everyone uncomfortable.

paniolo5 · April 2011

From my experience with friends/children's relationships, it doesn't do any good to tell the person what a putz they've been dating because they just get defensive for their ex. They have to figure it out for themselves, which she will in her own time. She just needs support right now that she'll be fine, she's a great person, etc. Maybe later you'll get the chance to tell her that he wasn't good for her! It's difficult when you are conflicted but I don't believe she needs to hear the bad stuff at this time. It sounds like your a really great daughter and have been there for her, so hang in there & it will work itself out. And you can always come back on here and vent some more if you need to. :laugh: Good luck!

ChristineMiller2 · April 2011

hug her and support her.

PaulaDygert · April 2011

Don't feel like an awful daughter because your not, just remember she needs time to be upset then help to get up and move on. Even though the signs were clear she has feelings for him and won't be over him in a day. I know I can look back at my past relationships and see times where I let my feelings totally blind me into hoping that they would change and/or excusing their behaviors then being totally heart broken when it didn't play out in reality how I thought it should in my head. Just support her and when she has had enough pity pot time help her off

skinnyjeans13 · April 2011

Definitely don't feel bad for your thoughts, they are rational... I've been through the exact same thing with my mom and for months she was in denial but not looking back she knows that the relationship ending was for the best and even agrees that her putz was a putz and it wasn't just me that though so anymore!

You are just looking out for your mom and wanting what's best for her. She may be sad and emotional now but she WILL grow out of it. A break-up is a break-up, not matter the person's age.

You're doing great just listening to her and talking to her, she'll adjust and move on with time- like we all do!

Aintplayin · April 2011

I know this is hard for your mom as well a for you. 35 years is a long time. I'm sure there is still some mourning there even though it's been nearly 10 years since your father's passing. Do you think your mom wants him around because she loves the potential? I mean I'm sure he's not a douche all of the time. Is she maybe only focusing on those good times and is remaining completely oblivious to the bad times?

You're a good daughter. I agree with everyone else... just keep letting her know you're there for her.

tinareet · April 2011

I know you just want to scream at her and tell her she was so silly to let it go on for so long when it was so obvious he was stringing her along. Your mother knows all this and probs knows its how you feel and its part of the reason she is so upset, she is probably beating herself up on the inside for letting it go on for so long and not realising sooner. All you can do is be there for her, and not be negative about what has happened, maybe try and be understanding.

It's like my mother split up from my father after 20years last year because my father cheated on her, she then got with this guy(probs the first guy that showed her attention) and that was it she is in this relationship with this man that is lazy, selfish and unsociable and sometimes so immature. I love my mother with all my heart, she knows she can do better deep down and she knows I think it too, but I've never told her that and I try and listen to my mum moan about him and just say thinks that are very broad like typical men and I try to include him at christmas' and birthday's. Maybe my mother is scared no-one else will love her or shes getting too old to find love, but thats all bull and itll take time for her to realise it and ditch the horrible man, but all we can do is be patient.

So maybe just be patient and supportive and fingers crossed your mother will soon realise she deserves better and can get better and will move on.

XX

wewon · April 2011

People deal with grief in their own way, and more times than not it can be frustrating. She may deal with this in a storm and be done just as quickly.

At least she's not with the putz anymore.

rockabillydarlin · April 2011

Well, first of all, you can't control how you feel. The point is that you're being a great daughter and doing what any woman who breaks up with a boyfriend would want from a confidant: being supportive and trying to lift her up out of her GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONS, as Ron Burgundy would say.

When my mom's current boyfriend said some not-very nice things about my (step)dad and randomly broke up with my mom, I was ready to punch him in the mouth. He even moved back to the state where he used to live. But then they got back together on Valentine's Day of all days (last year) and I just stopped talking to my mom. I was mad at her; I was angry with her for being with him. I was mad that she wasn't mad at him. And I wasted a lot of time holding that resentment for her, and I regret it now. We're fine and dandy today -- this happened over a year ago -- and I'm on good terms with her boyfriend; he's really not a bad guy after all. But I definitely know how you're feeling.

Maybe you can go out for dinner or make her dinner at your place one night. Have a "girls' night." Watch a funny movie. And then you can tell her that while you're supportive of her and just want her to be happy, you don't think this guy deserves her for this that and the other. Tell her she's better than that. Good luck, and I hope everything turns out ok.

MinnieInMaine · April 2011

Don't make it about him, make it about her. She's such a wonderful, pretty, smart, etc woman that he doesn't deserve someone like her and she can do so much better. Help her build up her confidence and take her out for a nice girl's day - lunch, shopping, movie, etc. Encourage her to meet up with her friends and spend time with them too. Whatever it takes to distract her from thinking about him.

If they do end up getting back together again, there's not much you can do about it but at least you know she won't harbor any bad feelings about you for having gone off about how awful he is.

Or if you're like me, just go ahead and tell it like it is... A few years back, my best friend had a horrible boyfriend and every time she called me to whine about what they were going through I'd be quiet and then say "do you want to hear my honest opinion or do you just want me to comfort you?" I figured that way if they did stay together, she'd know it was her own decision that led me to vent my honest opinion about that @#*#$*$% and she couldn't be mad at me. Thank goodness eventually she figured it out for herself and left his sorry tail.

basschick · April 2011

What she probably needs right now is just an ear to listen. So sorry for your mom. Tell her I'm sending hugs her way.

kevanos · April 2011

You should share your thoughts with her. Just saying everyting will be ok doesn`t help I find .Give here a reality check and tell her she is better off without him.

I'm more of a realist, i appreciate the honest truth. I`m also way more intellecttual than emotional. That doesn`t make me insensitive, but I think you should be straight up with her.

bugnbeansmom · April 2011

It is always hard when a friend is in pain. Even worse when that friend is your mom! I would give her sometime to come to terms with it but don't let her wallow in it for months on end. At some point, any friend needs a kick in the booty and be reminded that they are strong and our relationships do not define us. I had a situation with my own mom where my brother was (and still is) acting like a child. It was making my mom sick and hurting my parent's marriage. My mom would try to sound like everything was fine but since I speak with her at least once a day every day, I know when something is up. She finally broke down and poured it out. This went on for like a month. I finally had to tell mom to take her strength back and put her foot down. I told her that I love her and my brother but I would not enable either one of them any longer. No more complaining without plans! I told her we could talk about what was bothering her and how to fix it but living with it like a blanket was over! Then I read my brother the riot act. The point is, support is not just listening. It is also picking someone up, dusting them off, and helping find their legs again. Don't let her mourn this loser any longer than is healthy. Sounds like she strong. She just might need a reminder!

Good luck

chanstriste13 · April 2011

thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your advice and kind words! this really meant a lot to me to have you all responding and reaching out. :flowerforyou:

my mom is a very beautiful and strong woman, and putz is actually a really nice guy. but, he has total commitment-phobia, and i think my mom thought that with time, that would change for him.

me and mom are pretty tongue-in-cheek with our difference of opinions in him. i tell her things like, 'as much as i want to kick putz in the face for hurting you, i am rooting for ya'll to be happy together. then i won't want to kick him anymore.' or, 'just say the word mom, and i can dig a shallow grave for him to boot.'

so she knows that while i think he's 87.92% lost cause, i genuinely do hope that it works out for them. which i suppose it still could. and putz and i have a very cordial relationship. as long as she likes him, i will like him too. though i am anticipating the day that mom finally 'sics' me on him. :laugh: kidding. mostly.

it's just so sad to me that she is placing her self-worth in his delusional opinion, and that makes me feel helpless. but she'll make it through, and if i'm about to pull out my hair, i can count on all of ya'll!

many thanks. :flowerforyou:

heartbroken mom advice...

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