My own tiny success

This success is going to start with a major fail. Last year, I lost 25 lbs. I was 4 lbs away from my first goal, and I dropped the ball in a MAJOR way. I've gained at LEAST 15 of that back, if not 20. I've been bingeing like there's no tomorrow. Every day was "Oh, I'll start tomorrow" or "One last binge, and I'll be done". That has been going on since October. I wanted to learn how to be happy with myself, and for a while, food helped. It felt easier to go back to how I was before. I could buy the food I wanted, eat what I wanted, and be happy with myself. But little thoughts kept creeping up. Things like "Why am I giving myself this crap when I'm giving my kids fruits and veggies with every meal?" or "Why am I not treating myself better". It just didn't make sense to me. My brain was tricking me into thinking that I was happy with myself, but it was only when I was eating junk all.the.time. It felt easier because it's what I've been doing for SO long...it felt like I didn't have to try. I was being lazy, but not only with my food. I had become incredibly lazy in my personal life. As a SAHM, my home was suffering. It was always a mess, clothes always needed to be washed, there was ALWAYS a pile of dishes in the sink. My kids weren't getting the attention they deserved, and we weren't leaving the house for 5 or 6 days at a time. It was really bad.

On Sunday, my husband and I had a knock down drag out fight. We fought for hours. And inbetween the fighting, I cleaned the entire upstairs of our house. And magically, I started to feel better. So I cleaned the entire downstairs. And I felt even better. My husband and I were able to communicate effectively without arguing, and actually come up with a solution. So on Monday, I kept it up. I cleaned the entire house again, and started dealing with the massive pile of laundry. And I felt great. The kids and I got out of the house for a play date. Tuesday, the same thing. More cleaning (and I was feeling great too!), more laundry, and more quality time with my kids. And miraculously, less yelling at them on my part. So today was more of the same. And I feel great! But then we went to Old Navy. We're getting family pictures done on Saturday, so we needed to get outfits for the kids. While we were there, I perused the sale rack. I found 4 pairs of pants in the size that I was the last time I was in Old Navy in September. 3 were jeans or slacks, one was sweat pants. Wanna guess how many fit? 1. The sweat pants. Talk about a slap in the face. In one pair of jeans, my fat *kitten* couldn't even fit, let alone get it to button. It was terrible. I finally realized the damage I was doing to my body, and all the hard work I did was down the drain.

So are you finally ready for my success? For so long I've been wondering why I wasn't motivated, and where that motivation could come from. Everyone I talked to told me that when you're ready, you'll know. Today, I know. I AM READY. I am angry at myself for doing this. I mean, really angry. If I were able to split in two, I would yell at me. After Old Navy, we were supposed to get ice cream, but you know what? We came home and I worked out instead. I started back with my Turbo Fire, and I'm so happy I did. As my husband is sitting next to me on the couch eating his candy, I'm looking at it and feeling nothing. I didn't want it! I wanted to keep working out. So I did. I did the entire Fire 30 and Stretch 10, and I feel great. Totally awesome. It was hard, and I loved it. So right now, I have 10 days to lose as much as I can (healthily, of course) so I can fit into my jeans for a concert of my absolute favorite band. And then I have 3 weeks until my birthday to lose more, and hopefully fit comfortably into my favorite white capris. Then the sky is the limit. And I will do it this time because I never want to be this size again.