Lol. For all you Catholics out there

Anna_Banana
Anna_Banana Posts: 2,939 Member
edited October 8 in Chit-Chat
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *kitten*.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *kitten*.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Replies

  • Anna_Banana
    Anna_Banana Posts: 2,939 Member
    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

    He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *kitten*.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *kitten*.
    10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
    12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"..
    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
  • jowily
    jowily Posts: 189 Member
    Being Catholic - now that was funny!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • réalta
    réalta Posts: 895 Member
    love it! :drinker:
  • faythe
    faythe Posts: 245
    :laugh: :laugh: That's awesome.
  • Marla64
    Marla64 Posts: 23,120 Member
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • jgates426
    jgates426 Posts: 10
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    Even being Baptist, I can appreciate the humor :laugh:
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    Even being Baptist, I can appreciate the humor :laugh:

    I will echo that.
    It was just funny. :laugh:
  • DBranchaud
    DBranchaud Posts: 827 Member
    that was funny



    here's another one:

    A new sunday school teacher came to the church and she forgot the combo to the supplies cupboard. She tried and tried but couldn't remeber it.

    Embarassed she went nd told the priest and asked him for help. The priest lead the way to the cupboard and as he was fiddling with the combo lock he looked heavenwards and appeared to be muttering in prayer. The lock popped open.

    The teacher asked him "How did you do that? Is you faith so strong that you got God to open the lock?" The priest responded " I wrote the combo on a piece of tape and stuck it to the ceiling"
  • pettmybunny
    pettmybunny Posts: 1,986 Member
    I literally laughed out loud, then proceded to copy it and send it to a friend of mine... We're both catholic and both have reserved seats in hades for when we die...
  • StellarEngr
    StellarEngr Posts: 123
    haha great joke :)
  • zcb94
    zcb94 Posts: 3,678 Member
    A trusted teacher and mentor shared this with my Christian Life class one day:
    A nun needed major surgery, got through it well. The hospital's chaplain arrived later not to break bad news but to announce that she did great and had a wonderful recovery. However, the time came to discuss payment, so the health care team talked through her options: "Do you have enough cash on you?"-"No." "How about a credit card?"-"No." "Do you trust your next-of-kin to help with payments?" "Yes, as a matter of fact. My Big Brother will take care of it."

    Please let me know if you don't get it.
  • Sinistrous
    Sinistrous Posts: 5,589 Member
    LOL! Okay, I just died a little. Thanks xD
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