A family problem...

Options
SandyLee1961
SandyLee1961 Posts: 133 Member
in Motivation and Support
I wasn't sure how to title this and I'm at a loss to what to do. When I got the Wii Fit Plus over a month ago, my oldest daughter at home (15) said she wanted to do the program with me. Well, I thought that was a great idea because you always can use a workout partner. Plus, to be honest, she is overweight and I knew the exercise would do her good. She is not involved at all in any type of sport or activity at school. She belongs to ATC and once a week does gymnastics (very, very, beginner)...so that's it for exercise. Anyway - to make a very long story short. I stuck with the fitness and recently even upped it by getting another at-home exercise program which is way more intense. My daughter did the Wii fitness for about a week - then stopped. Now, I'm losing weight and getting fitter. My clothes are becoming loose and I'm really starting to feel great about myself. Problem is, the more I lose, the more it seems my daughter eats! Yes, she's gaining! At first I tried to motivate her by talking about how great I feel, how the exercise is helping, mentioning the weight I've lost, etc. But, it seems the more I say - the more she eats. At evening tea I'm being very very careful of what I'm eating. She went to her dad and stated that she feels "bad" because I'm talking about how fit I'm getting and she is starting to feel "fat'. Her dad told her that it was her choice to exercise or not, but that I am making a lifestyle choice and of course I'm excited about it. A close friend of the family told her this too. But, the friend stated that I may want to not talk about the weight loss and fitness around my daughter. Well, in the last week I've not said a word around her. The problem is, I AM proud of the accomplishments I'm making. I DO want to share with my family (not over-the-top sharing, just share) without having to worry about offending my daughter. I have to be honest. This may sound selfish, but I think she is old enough to get that mum is losing weight and getting fit because she is working hard at that goal and mum should be able to share her excitement. Am I right? Or do I keep my mouth shut around her? Honestly, I was hoping she would see the progress I made and that would give her the encouragement to go for it too! Unluckily, it hasn't worked! Any ideas?
«1

Replies

  • BabyDuchess
    BabyDuchess Posts: 353 Member
    Options
    I think you should talk with her about it to see what's going on with her and I most definitely think you should be proud of your accomplishments and not feel bad about sharing....you've earned the right!
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
    Options
    All you can do is make sure the house has only good for you snacks and make your meals healthy. Make only 1 portion per person and make it healthy and delicious. You have the information you need to make low calorie healthy meals and if there is nothing else for her to eat she'll eat them. I know you don't have control when she is out of the house but maybe the changes will make her think. Don't tell the family your on a diet, tell them you love them and you are making a choice as the PARENT to make better choice for all of them. It will be hard in the beginning but if YOU stick with it she will realize it was done out of love.
    As a mother of 4 between 29-35, 15 is a tough age but as she gets older she'll get it.
  • shanolap
    shanolap Posts: 1,204 Member
    Options
    I think an open discussion is warranted. But remember being 15? Irrational, emotional, self-absorbed? Don't take it personally if she lashes out at you and tell her not to take it personally if you are proud of your accomplishments. Someday she will be proud of her accomplishments, the sooner the better.
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
    Options
    My suggestion would be to focus on yourself and share your excitement here on MFP. Find a ton of other ways to compliment your daughter and give her positive attention. Focus on her when she is around. I so totally believe in TOPS because I can "happy dance" hoot and hollar alll I want and the group is so supportive. Can you find another place to share your excitment
  • lulu1962
    lulu1962 Posts: 210
    Options
    I think you should be very proud of yourself! I have four daughters & I'm sure they are sick of me talking about this site, although my oldest daughter was the one that showed me MFP. I try not to say ANYTHING to my husband, 'cause he just seems irritated when I mention healthy food, etc. Talk to people on this site & your friends about your accomplishments - give your daughter time to see your results. If you haven't tried it (I haven't yet...), you may want to check out one of the Wii dance programs - one of my daughters bought it & it's fun, funny & a rather intense workout. Best of luck on your journey!!!:flowerforyou:
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
    Options
    I understand how you feel. You're proud, you're feeling good. You want to tell the world, and what's more, you want your daughter to join you because you want her to feel good too.

    But she's 15. You have to remember that 15-year-olds have weird brains. They think differently. She has hormones already making her feel bad about herself. Her body's changing and looking all weird to her. She's noticing the models on television and comparing herself to that unrealistic standard. So anything that could possibly be perceived as negative or judgmental to her WILL be perceived that way.

    My opinion (for what it's worth) is that you should try to avoid talking about it as much around her. Rejoice with your friends and family, but don't talk about weight with her. It's not something she needs to hear, and she seems to be unable to take it in the spirit that you're intending -- she only sees herself in your statements, even when you're not talking about her at all, if that makes sense. But try to prepare healthy meals, and don't keep a lot of junky snacks around. Try to serve meals from the kitchen instead of bringing the serving bowls to the table. As the weather gets nicer, perhaps you could take walks together as a whole family, getting everyone active and spending some quality time together. Try to have some good family time at least a few times a week, and have that family time be spent doing something active -- playing Wii Tennis, taking hikes, playing frisbee in the yard, things like that.

    It's tough with a teenager. They trick us into thinking they're adults because they're growing up, but really, they're not adults yet, and their emotions are tricky. Try not to stress about it. Your first priority needs to be making sure she knows that you think she's beautiful and wonderful, no matter what. She's still growing, anyway, so a little extra weight may not be a big deal in a year or two as she grows more. Just focus on loving her, and setting a good example through your actions, not your words.
  • shakemybooty
    shakemybooty Posts: 681 Member
    Options
    I would buy Just Dance 2 for the wii and have a dance off with her. My kids hate "working out" but they will get up and dance for a game!
  • suedalton1
    suedalton1 Posts: 9
    Options
    Congratulations on your healthier lifestyle commitment! I say keep talking about it, but also have a discussion with your daughter about why she is upset that you are getting fit and losing weight. For me starting was the worst but once I got into it it's not bad at all. I can eat whatever I want just not over eat. Good luck.
  • missy1970eb
    missy1970eb Posts: 1,209 Member
    Options
    15,s a funny age and with hormones and that id be cautious, i did find with exercise to begin with that after going out running just wanted to eat more, so now i workout before eating, she will work it out 4 herself i think and if she see's u eating proper maybe it will convince her its better, but all teenagers luv the junk food my sons 16 and he's exactly the same:smile:
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    Options
    I kind of go through the same thing with my 15 year old. I am trying not to nag her, she is competetive so I can challenge her a little bit, but once she reaches her goal or gets bored she stops.
    I think as long as she is not getting depressed and starting an eating disorder you need to let her process it in her own way. (easier said than done) I don't know if you had the same weight issue when you were her age, I did not. I did have a freind with and eating disorder thought and I would rather have a chubby child that is realatively comforable in her own skin, than a kid that is self concious and trying to measure up to peer image.

    I do think you are right that your daughter is probably old enough to understand the cause and effect of weight loss. I think you should have a heart to heart with her and tell her why you are working so hard at losing weight.

    Best wishes.
  • SandyLee1961
    SandyLee1961 Posts: 133 Member
    Options
    Shan - you are so right. And yes, I should have mentioned, I HAVE tried talking with her. Pretty open and frank discussion - but unluckily she did the teen "whatever" attitude. And believe it or not, I've always had the "healthy" food for the kids (I have 5 at home) here. When the kids ask for a snack, they get fruit :) Of course there are other snacks around - but they are limited. And I try VERY hard to make sure that meals are healthy. I've just been careful about portion size and it seems to be working. As someone pointed out though, it's out of the house that is the danger zone for her. I know that she is making unhealthy choices. I cannot force her though to diet or exercise. That's her choice. And yes, I compliment her all the time. She is not your typical teen - she is a very very lovely girl who is kind and considerate and is a joy to be around most of the time. Plus, she is the first to jump in when things need to be done around the house. It's just this ONE issue that is like a block for us. We can communicate about everything else (not just talk, but really communicate) - but this one subject her walls go up and it's impossible. I do NOT want my daughter to feel bad - I really don't. But, I am very proud of the choices I have made. I'm afraid though it's going to turn her in the WRONG way. The last thing I want to do is hurt my daughter :(
  • sarahs440
    sarahs440 Posts: 405
    Options
    All you can do is make sure the house has only good for you snacks and make your meals healthy. Make only 1 portion per person and make it healthy and delicious. You have the information you need to make low calorie healthy meals and if there is nothing else for her to eat she'll eat them. I know you don't have control when she is out of the house but maybe the changes will make her think. Don't tell the family your on a diet, tell them you love them and you are making a choice as the PARENT to make better choice for all of them. It will be hard in the beginning but if YOU stick with it she will realize it was done out of love.
    As a mother of 4 between 29-35, 15 is a tough age but as she gets older she'll get it.

    I agree with this. She can't eat unhelthy food if it isn't in the house. And I also don't think you should have to stop talking about it either. Maybe just tone it down.
  • UneJolieFemme
    UneJolieFemme Posts: 86 Member
    Options
    1) why did the friend say it would be best to not talk about weight loss and fitness around your daughter ? Since you said the friend talked to your daughter, I wonder if its because your daughter confessed being fed up with these topics ? Hows your relationship, could it be her way to 'rebel' against you ?

    2) While it's her choice to exercise or not, she's only 15. What does she do of all her time ? Watching TV ? Internet ? A 15 yo shouldnt be overweight. I guess you can't force her to go for walks or participate in a sport but who's grocery shopping ? What kind of food is in your home ? Exercise is not all, she must not eat healthy and as a parent, you can provide better choice for her.

    3) How's her self esteem ? Its already hard to be a 15 yo girl I can't imagine being overweight on top of that. Maybe some counselling would be appropriate ?
  • Dreamerlove
    Dreamerlove Posts: 441 Member
    Options
    You are doing a fantastic job! I bet you feel great and have a lot more energy. I'm no expert but I do NOT think you should not talk about weight loss in front of your daughter. I am 23 so i think I can relate to both parties. If everyone always caters to her needs, she will most likely always be overweight. You should NOT hide your progress what so ever, if anything eventually she will be amazed by you and start to do well. Her dad is right, she "chooses;" to not exercise. The BEST thing you can do for your daughter now is to cook healthier meals and make her eat them too. She is 15 not 18 and still has to follow your rules. You don't have to make her exercise and hopefully she start to soon but you can control what she eats. Deep down she wants to be healthy. She just might not know how, and just thinks "thats the way she is" but its not, she can be healthy. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work! She may give you a hard time, but ALL teenagers give parents a hard time, that's just what they do! lol No hurt feelings, they are just hormonal, and if it wasn't this issue it would be another. She will be proud of you, and thank you one day for teaching her.
  • mazomama
    mazomama Posts: 138 Member
    Options
    Yikes...very touchy subject! As a teenager you need to remember she has TONS of hormones going through her body and those intense her feelings. At fifteen your trying to grasp who you are and what you want to be and thinking about what others say, and how they see you as a person is something they care about.

    Her eating MORE while you talk about losing weight is obviously her way of dealing with the fact that she feels uncomfortable about herself. You do know what emotional eating is right????
    I'm not by any means trying to be rude but reading your post reminds me of being young and watching my mother do her thing and thinking that was enough to teach us ( i'm oldest of three girls) how to live healthy. It wasn't. Everyone likes to do different things to feel the "burn". Some like sports, video games, gyms.....you need to find what she likes and keep it interesting. Just because the Wii is working for you doesn't necessarily mean its going to for her. Ive personally spent lots of money trying to find what works for me, program after program and have finally found SOMETHING that keeps me going..

    Sorry about the ranting....

    Why not join your local YMCA??? They are a facility that is totally focused on healthy families! They offer lots of classes to chose from, or you guys could just hit the gym together if shes not interested in group activities. Even swimming is great cardio :)

    Just try to think back to what it was like being a young girl. Its not selfish of you to want to share you accomplishments but i REALLY would think about your daughter first before you talk about them.
  • tmarie1213
    tmarie1213 Posts: 43 Member
    Options
    First off, congratulations on your weightloss thus far! Second, I think you should talk to her, it may be some underlying issue that is upsetting her, who knows, like previously said, 15 is kind of an awkward age and around that time is when girls start to not really want to take advice from their mom. Something else you could try to help her change her lifestyle is to supply to house with healthy snacks, don't know if you already do this, but at least this might help with some of the weight gain. Also, snacks full of fiber should help fill her up too, then she won't eat as much.

    Taking advice from me might be kinda funny, because in this scenerio, I'm the kid (25) and I've been trying to get my mom to stick to a workout routine. Wii Fit is a great way to start off! Good luck!
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
    Options
    I relate to this a lot! My daughter just turned 16. She's struggled with her weight her whole life, has to take meds which makes it more difficult, She did play basketball a few years before getting into high school, but it had no effect on her weight at all. Even though meals at home were quite healthy. When I first started losing I would announce my weigh ins every week to my family. But after awhile I realized my daughter was having a hard time. We have talked many times about it all, I told her I only want to show her that it's doable. Not easy but she can do it. So it's a struggle to find the right words sometimes to help and encourage, that won't make her feel worse about herself. Lately the issue with her as been more of her not eating so much. And if she does it's binging on something she shouldn't binge on. She's definitely doesn't have an ED or anything, but it's always in the back of my mind. I keep a close eye on her and her eating. We talked the other day, and I told her that many people on MFP have rewards either set aside, or that they are planning on getting when they reached their goal. So I told her to come up with what reward would be motivating for her. She is on MFP, but it's been off and on for her. It's obviously overwhelming for her to worry about calories. So I told her we could just set a goal of eating what her body needs, 5 fruits and vegies, etc.. and 3 days of 30 extra min of exercise, aside from walking home. So we are going to try that. Right now, I just want her eating what she needs.

    My daughter has come to me many times, wanting help. Our relationship is such that she is supportive of me, praises me out of the blue, and feels inspired by me, so she's open to discussions and what not. I just have to be careful in my approach with her. Sometimes I get frustrated though, it's like I want her to get, if she just did this, this and this, she could feel okay about her weight. But thats just the mom in me, desperate to fix things for her to be happy. The most important thing, is I have always told her that her weight and her body, does NOT define who she is, or her worth. She's very beautiful, has very beautiful features, but most importantly her heart is genuine and compassionate, she's courageous, and has inspired me over and over in so many areas of her life.
  • mrphil86
    mrphil86 Posts: 2,382 Member
    Options
    You are doing a fantastic job! I bet you feel great and have a lot more energy. I'm no expert but I do NOT think you should not talk about weight loss in front of your daughter. I am 23 so i think I can relate to both parties. If everyone always caters to her needs, she will most likely always be overweight. You should NOT hide your progress what so ever, if anything eventually she will be amazed by you and start to do well. Her dad is right, she "chooses;" to not exercise. The BEST thing you can do for your daughter now is to cook healthier meals and make her eat them too. She is 15 not 18 and still has to follow your rules. You don't have to make her exercise and hopefully she start to soon but you can control what she eats. Deep down she wants to be healthy. She just might not know how, and just thinks "thats the way she is" but its not, she can be healthy. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work! She may give you a hard time, but ALL teenagers give parents a hard time, that's just what they do! lol No hurt feelings, they are just hormonal, and if it wasn't this issue it would be another. She will be proud of you, and thank you one day for teaching her.

    Very well said, being a role model is what it takes in this situation.

    If you build it, they will come.

    I had a situation like this once. Since I'm in the military you are expected to keep up on your fitness level. Well, we had one guy who was not at "standards." Since he worked in the same room with a couple of guys and myself, we decided we were going to up the ante on what we were doing. We always ate healthy and in the mornings went for a run. He joined the bandwagon and is now in the best shape he can be in. He whined and moaned when we made him run but he eventually accepted it.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
    Options
    She's being a teenager.

    Please, don't let it stress you out, you are being a great role model and in the long run that is what is what will really count.

    Just don't expect her to respond positively to that until you're been driven half insane!!!
  • SandyLee1961
    SandyLee1961 Posts: 133 Member
    Options
    1) why did the friend say it would be best to not talk about weight loss and fitness around your daughter ? Since you said the friend talked to your daughter, I wonder if its because your daughter confessed being fed up with these topics ? Hows your relationship, could it be her way to 'rebel' against you ?

    2) While it's her choice to exercise or not, she's only 15. What does she do of all her time ? Watching TV ? Internet ? A 15 yo shouldnt be overweight. I guess you can't force her to go for walks or participate in a sport but who's grocery shopping ? What kind of food is in your home ? Exercise is not all, she must not eat healthy and as a parent, you can provide better choice for her.

    3) How's her self esteem ? Its already hard to be a 15 yo girl I can't imagine being overweight on top of that. Maybe some counselling would be appropriate ?

    I'll answer the questions in order :)

    1. Our relationship to this point has been quite good. She's always came to me with any topic and we've discussed. Whether it be boys (or girls at one point) - school, social, anything. She knows that I won't lie to her nor will I judge her. A few months ago she came to me and stated she was unsure of her sexual preferences. Ended up we had a great discussion and I assured her that no matter who (male or female) she dated, we would love her and not judge her. When we discussed my losing weight - I explained to her why I needed to lose the weight (my health). And we discussed how it benefits ANY age to be healthy and eat healthy.

    2. No she does NOT exercise. She is part of a new thing here in town - a gym class. It's once a week and that's it. She walks to school (about 6 blocks) and home - that's it for her. TV watching, not so much. Maybe an hour a day if that? She does read a lot though. She also is quite good about homework. Internet, maybe once a week unless it has to do with school work. On the healthy food choices. Oh yeah - she has that. Due to the fact that two of our five children have adhd I monitor food like a hawk. When the kids ask for a snack - I point to the fruit bowl. I also fix evening tea each night and make sure the food is healthy. I mainly bake or broil - VERY rare we will have fried food. Once a week is "lolly" day - and the kids get a small bag of lollies. I do my own home baking and even there I try to make healthy choices.

    3. Self-esteem is a huge issue. Like her siblings, she was adopted. We got her through Child, Youth and Family (not sure what the US counterpart is). I do not want to go into details, but all I can say was she severely abused in all aspects. When she came to our home at the age of 9 she lied, stole, and was acting out horribly. Her grades in school were all failures. She is now an honour student - she doesn't lie any more and nor does she steal. She is an all around great kid and I'm very, very, very proud of her. She did have a therapist for a number of years. When issues have come up I've always given her the option to resume therapy. At one point, I insisted on it as I knew she needed to speak with someone.

    Honestly, I can talk to her about anything - BUT this. I'm scared to death I'm going to say the wrong thing or come across as if I'm telling her she is fat and ugly. And she is going to see the results of my lifestyle change. How do I make it so she doesn't think that I'm telling her she needs to lose weight? Yes, I want my daughter to be healthy and happy. But I'm so worried when I see her at tea eating more and more :(

Categories