When a little knowledge is a bad thing (Need help from the l

msarro · April 2011

So yesterday, I was attending a 4 mile race along with my girlfriend. Prior to the race there were free body composition analyses being performed by a local hospital. I had mine done to get a chance at finding out my true BMR, as well as my body fat percentage (around 2170 calories, and 18.1%). I'm also about 6lbs away from being at ideal; I have just a touch too much fat. Nothing I'm really concerned about, I'll get there.

However, I told my girlfriend that she should get it done, just as a fun thing. Basically I figure its a dashboard where you don't usually have one. Well, she basically was told she's underweight, but has a body fat percentage which is about 4% from optimal (she needs to gain lean muscle mass). We both kind of laughed and went out and had a nice run.

A little back story... she has lost a lot of weight. She had been much larger when we originally knew each other, but now weighs about 113lbs. Her massive weight loss was brought on by a really traumatic experience which I am not really comfortable getting into, but it left her emotionally devastated. Hearing about her body fat percentage has sent her into a tailspin... she doesn't want to eat. She feels fat and disgusting. And I don't know what to tell her. I've told her she's beautiful, and that the doctor didn't tell her anything bad. She keeps saying she is a runner, and being 4% over proper body fat is disgusting. Apparently she spent most of the day crying. I don't know what to tell her. I feel terrible since I was the one who told her to get the comp done.

Any thoughts? She isn't mad at me, I know that. I still just feel like crap because of the whole situation.

SaraTonin · April 2011

She is a runner - they are basically telling her she should do some strength training if she wants her absolute ideal body composition. She is perfect! Tell her I say so!

jhardenbergh · April 2011

If all she's doing is running, maybe suggest a little weight training which would help build muscle and tone. Maybe run with ankle weights or wrist weights. Or just lift with free weights.

zooflute · April 2011

I think your GF should talk with a therapist. I can't imagine that being underweight with 4% bodyfat is unattractive (my body fat is something scary, like 30%) or even particularly detrimental to a runner. I suspect there are lingering emotional issues from her trauma...?

If she won't see a therapist for the emotional stuff, she should at least talk with a very no-nonsense trainer who will help her see that it's not a terrible problem. I have no idea what she needs physically...maybe it's just more protein and a different kind of training.

I think you're right to be concerned. And it's not your fault. There's a larger issue at play here.

LadyOfOceanBreeze · April 2011

(((hugs)))

msarro · April 2011

Just to be clear, she's not 4% bodyfat (if she was, I'd force feed her cheeseburgers

). She is 4% over ideal... I don't have the numbers to be specific. The doctor recommended adding weight training to her workout regimen, but other than that said she was just fine.

I know there are some lingering issues, and she's her own worst critic. I just wish I could say something. I know some of the women on here have had some bad issues... so I was just hoping someone had some words of advice on things that have helped.

ImCeltic · April 2011

I agree with some of the good comments here. She needs more support than you alone. She needs counseling to help with her painful emotional reaction and she needs a little strength training. I once had a friend who was a runner who freaked about her "back fat" and it was due to needing upper body strengthening. Good luck.

EDesq · April 2011

I agree with Zooflute, your girlfriend seems like she may needs psychological counseling. If she had a major trauma before and gained lots of weight she may have a distortion of her Body...she may be one to act in extremes when it come to coping. All of your support is not going to help a woman who may have lingering psychological issues, BUT continuing to support her is important. I wish you and her the best.

LeelaLosing · April 2011

I think she needs a reality check and I mean that in a good way lol. It sounds like you are very supportive and encouraging which is great, and she's lucky to have someone in her corner like you. Since you want the best for her, I would suggest that you support her in finding someone to talk to (a therapist) or if she has one, that she make sure to bring it up.

It's totally understandable, but she needs to work through the extreme body image issues that she is still left with or she will never feel good enough and okay with herself.

I have a lot of experience with this, and have spent years working on it, and it's a process. You get one part figured out, and then you realize there is still something that remains. The most important thing is acceptance, and it helps alot to have people or a person around who sees you that way even you don't see yourself yet that way. However, that is what needs to happen she needs to accept herself as much as you do.

It's one thing to be disappointed, but to cry all day and to think she's disgusting shows serious issues of self-hatred and not loving herself. Even more so, she is not conscious of her reaction being too extreme it seems. Feeling the way she does and admitting that it's not healthy would be a good step. But that is the next step. And perhaps with your gentle and loving approach, she will see that she needs to work on how she took the news and sees herself.

I have had multiple traumas and can trace most if not all of my body image and self-esteem issues to that. It is a process and having someone loving and supportive is a gift to her!

meagalayne · April 2011

I have lost about 65lbs and am a "runner" as well, and although I look lean while clothed my body fat is definitely above "ideal". It's very very difficult to get down to an optimal body fat % as a woman if you were once very overweight/obese. Even with hard training, weights, and other cardio, I still find that losing the fat that remains around my mid-section is nearly impossible. My shoulders/back/ribs/hips etc are all extremely lean and my weight is quite low for my height (5'7" and 124lbs) but I just really can't seem to "cut" my mid-section. It's not a fault on my part - it's just the way it is and it's something I have to come to terms with.

Your girlfriend has made awesome progress with her weight-loss, and she should be very proud of her running achievements, but it sounds like she still has a lot to deal with emotionally from her past traumas and that professional help along with your support could really aid her in gaining some peace and perspective. Body image is something that all of us (but esp us former "fatties") struggle with daily and I know personally how overwhelming and sometimes completely devastating those feelings can be. I truly wish you both the very best.

dancer77 · April 2011

Just to be clear, she's not 4% bodyfat (if she was, I'd force feed her cheeseburgers ). She is 4% over ideal... I don't have the numbers to be specific. The doctor recommended adding weight training to her workout regimen, but other than that said she was just fine.

I know there are some lingering issues, and she's her own worst critic. I just wish I could say something. I know some of the women on here have had some bad issues... so I was just hoping someone had some words of advice on things that have helped.

I'm nowhere near an expert, but I have "mild EDNOS" (eating disorder not otherwise specified) so I can get a bit where your GF is coming from. Honestly it helped the most when my bf would pretty much pound how beautiful I was into my head. I mean the guy must have worn that poor word out, and it took months, but I finally accepted it. The other thing I really think whatever experience is haunting her is the main cause. For me whenever I have the issues crop up is the exact same time as when the triggers/buttons from my past are activated. Idk if a therapist is the way to go (I know most people heavily suggest it, but a lot of people aren't comfortable with it and if you don't work with the therapist its pointless to go), but it may be a judgment call of if you think you should notify a very trusted friend she might have who she would feel comfortable talking to or allowing her the space ans support to process through it herself.

angisnee · April 2011

It's awesome that you are so supportive and obviously care so much about her. She is hearing you even if it doesn't seem like it. Keep telling her how beautiful she is. For me, I also like hearing how proud my husband is of me. That's even more motivational to me than telling me how good I look.

Another thought I had was that upon seeing I've gained weight, I go through a period of sadness, but after a bit, that information will usually motivate me to make healthier choices. Maybe she just needs some time to emotionally sort through the information she's been given.

I wish you both continued success, and I hope she can start to see how beautiful you say she is!

HealthierMamasita · April 2011

Matteo!!!! *hugs*

Give her lots of hugs. All you can do is be there for her the best way you know how. Do some weight trainer with her. She definitely needs someone to push her a little(but not too much) but in the right direction.

ryokostarwind · April 2011

Exactly, she just needs strength training and she's set, but she is already perfect! I wish I could get down to 113lbs, but I know my traumatic last two years have kept me from believing in myself to get there. So I understand where she is coming from, and she should be so proud of herself to lose that much weight and to be right by your side. She should know we are all proud of her and I did the starving thing and it is never the way...trust me. So proud of you both and keep incouraging and supporting each other and always be very proud of each other!!

When a little knowledge is a bad thing (Need help from the l

Replies

Categories