divorce and venting

running_mom · April 2011

I know this has nothing to do with being healthy (well sort of). I was just wondering if anyone out there went through a recent divorce and the toll it took on your outlook of your health.

My husband and I have been going through a lot the last couple of years and divorce seems more likely than not. He has not been supportive of me. He basically says that our marriage sucks because I'm fat. I know that you have to be physically attracted to someone for the relationship to work but that's not the only thing. I have had 2 kids, not that that's an excuse. But, I do admit that I have been lazy in losing the weight. I work full time, went to school full time and took care of 2 kids plus the husband. The only time I had to myself was 9 at night. I really had to refocus and find time for myself.

Not only does he verbally attack me he has physically abused me. He tells me that I need to change before he does. And when he's happy I'll be happy. No one in my family or friends knows about anything. So I keep it all inside.

It's just so frustrating trying to be positive about myself and keep on track when he's saying how fat and lazy I am.

P.S.- I know I need to change and work on things too- I'm not perfect. If not for my marriage for the next relationship

Thanks for letting me vent! (that's the short version!)

akaMrsmojo · April 2011

I think it has everything to do with being healthy, stress can take its toll on you. I have not been through a divorce but I know many people who have and listened. I have been through a lot of stressful things recently, i.e. house fire, car accident, lost loves ones, and not to mention the stupid recession. I deal with my stress at the gym.

We are here for you. Your kiddos are cuties by the way. And vent away.

SimplyDeLish · April 2011

With all you've accomplished you are NOT lazy! I've never seen a physical abuser change. My advice is get out! He does not deserve you. And you don't want him starting to abuse your kids...which happens. It's time to put you and your kids first. Divorce isn't going to be easy...but worth it! And, you have a tremendous community here at MFP for support.

funsover · April 2011

Although I am not divorced and have no experience with physical abuse, my thinking is that you may be able to take care of yourself better when not faced with all the issues your husband brings to your life on a daily basis. I often hear of women who fare out better after a divorce.

As a side note, if he treats you like that, how will he treat your daughter when she reaches puberty and might not be a size 0 while going through all the trials and tribulations of being a teenager.

I hope all works out for what is best for you and your kids.

JanerZzz · April 2011

Ok. For a man to lay his hands on you, he is NO man and you deserve SO MUCH better. Whether you're overweight or as scrawny as Kate Moss. You DO NOT DESERVE that kind of treatment! He didn't fall in love with you and had kids with you because of your weight?! So him treating you horribly because you've put on some weight instead of being supportive is showing his true colors! You'll be better off with someone who will love and respect you with all of the ups and downs life brings and if you chose to go on a weight loss journey then there should be 100% support and not mockery. Abusive men make me soooo mad! I hope you get through this and come out a stronger more self assured woman, for you and for your beautiful babies.

bmontgomery87 · April 2011

I went through a nasty divorce last spring. That actually had a huge part in me getting healthy. I decided instead of being angry and depressed and destroying myself with drugs and alcohol, that I should take it as an opportunity to better myself.

I'm sorry to hear that you're marriage isn't working. If you're being physically abused, I would get out of the relationship. "Men" who abuse women will never change.

jennsie · April 2011

Sorry to hear. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive as well. Chances are, it's not your weight. He would find fault with anything you did/didn't do -- most likely. So don;'t beat yourself up about it. I think that 95% of people nowadays struggle to find time to do these things -- whether it's more time for yourself or the gym or whatever. (I totally understand that and I've sacrificed time to ensure that fitness it a part of it for about 1 hr and 15 minutes a day 5-6 days a week.)

It sounds like you are thinking straight. Just keep up. I believe that a person needs to be happy with himself/herself. (It sounds like your hubby is not happy with himself and he takes it out on you perhaps; that is what happened in my relationship anyway.)

I completely believe that if you are healthy and get exercise, you will be happier. I feel happier getting exercise. My skin is clearer (I get acne and I am an adult....but not since I exercise...I feel healthier.) I feel more creative as well and just happier. I believe that fitness should be a part of everyone's life -- that goes for eating well too.

DeniseGdz · April 2011

I went through a Divorce a few years ago and it left me depressed, hating life, hating men and just hating myself. I turned everyone away and just allowed myself to be consumed by my self pity. In retrospect, it affected everyone around me!! But no matter how much people pushed I pushed even harder to keep them away.

I had to very good friends push and push and push until they got me out of my wallow. I seeked medical help & spiritual help. it's been a very long road for me but I have healed. I am not a better person that I was before!!

I have found peace. I have found love. I have been blessed and it's up to me to work at becoming healthy.
Do not wait for consume you. Seek help medically or spiritually or both. For you and for all those around you.

I wish your the best and I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

TheNewDanielle · April 2011

Okay, I want to start by expressing that I am not a therapist, but I do have experience in a divorce from a guy who physically wasn't nice to me... I hate to say abused because I didn't stay long enough to be abused.... I was lucky.

Now, you said in your post "verbally attack" and "physically" and "my family doesn't know." From my viewpoint, those are serious red flags. I know divorce is very difficult, especially with two kids. However, I don't think you want your children growing up in that environment. I am a juvenile probation officer, and believe me, the kids know, see, and hear everything... even late at night. Now, this isn't to make you feel worse because I want you to see that you posting this shows progress in your mind and thought process. You should want better for yourself, physically, emotionally, and futuristically

. I"m glad you've taken that step, like many of us here. But unfortunately, it sounds like you need new support.

Stress definitely is a factor in weight loss. You need to step away from yourself, focus on getting yourself healthy and maintaining safety for yourself and your kids. Please reach out to your family and friends. Please have the courage for yourself and your kids. I know you can. I think you're definitely worth it. If healthy turns out to be bigger than what your "husband" likes, screw him. Healthy is key. Do for you and your kids, no one else. That's what this journey is for. I really, truly wish the best for you.

jeffrodgers1 · April 2011

It doesn't matter whether it is physical or verbal... Abuse is abuse. No one deserves to live that way. Children learn what they live. They know what is happening. Is it right for you to allow your children to grow up in this environment?

If you won't do this for yourself... Please do this for your children. You need to plan your escape.

Real men don't hurt people... especially the ones they love. My prayers are with you and your children.

ajostraat · April 2011

Health is more than just physical fitness. Consider it a manifestation of what's going on in our lives and our minds. The easiest thing you can affect is your physical well-being. Do what's best for you and your children. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. If your relationship has turned into mental and physical abuse; get out, get out, get out! If you need local help, there are more resources available to you than you may realize.

Everything else: take it one step at a time. Your children need you to be the best YOU you can be; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Affect what you can at first and grow from there. There are people here rooting you on.

NicolCook · April 2011

I am divorced.....it was one of the hardest things I have had to go through. Especially with children involved. However, I agree with the others.... abusive men do not change. I have friend that was being abused and he just got worse to the point that he is in jail right now facing 10yrs for beating her so severely. Her daughters were subjected to it and witnessed it too. There will be someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but first, focus on YOU!!! Get yourself happy and healthy and take care of your babies. Change is hard, but so worth it if you are being abused!!!

Feel free to friend me if you need some extra support. I will be here for you

Liatush · April 2011

With all you've accomplished you are NOT lazy! I've never seen a physical abuser change. My advice is get out! He does not deserve you. And you don't want him starting to abuse your kids...which happens. It's time to put you and your kids first. Divorce isn't going to be easy...but worth it! And, you have a tremendous community here at MFP for support.

I second this. If you are unhappy in the marriage, get out. If he does not love you the way you are, he doesnt deserve you!

FearAnLoathing · April 2011

For him to abuse you is not ok,and its not your fault.You need to leave because it usally escalates

onawho · April 2011

Not only does he verbally attack me he has physically abused me. He tells me that I need to change before he does. And when he's happy I'll be happy. No one in my family or friends knows about anything. So I keep it all inside.

this statement does NOT sit will with me. I would run quickly. He is ABUSIVE, he is CHILDISH and SELFISH. do the best thing for you and your kids. RUN LIKE HELL.

your happiness should not be relied upon by someone else being happy. SORRY WRONG ANSWER buck-o. File for divorce this man will never be happy.

aegira · April 2011

Firstly all I want to do is hug both you and your children.
Second...get the hell out of there, for yourself and the children.
I am a long time divorced person, he was abusive also mentally, physically, verbally...
It doesn't matter what you attempt it will never be good enough.
I left 3 times and each time returned because of outside family pressure telling me it really couldn't be that bad...
News flash it was!!
Then one day my children confronted me and demanded to leave, it was like a bolt of lightening, I had thought that I had hidden it so well to protect them...they knew, they see and feel it all even if you think they don't. We packed up and left that day, all we took was what fitted in the car and I drove, and drove until basically we ran out of country, jumped on a ferry and settled in another state.
Was it tough? yes
Were there days I wondered what was I going to do to? yes
Do I regret leaving? Hell NO!!!
It has taken me 14 years to raise 2 of the greatest (now) adults I have ever had the privilege of knowing, heal myself, get to a place where I am earning a good wage and am now embarking on a relationship with a guy who loves me, no matter what my weight is or how I look first thing in the morning with a bad dose of bed hair.
Please 'vbrach15' believe me when I say there life after abuse, it is sweet, caring and the air of freedom is exhilarating every day you wake up. It won't be a bed of roses, it will be tough, but you have the strength in you to succeed...go for it.
We're here for you

BerryH · April 2011

Please get out of this relationship and the house you share before you do anything more.

A friend of mine had suffered years of mental and verbal abuse at the hands of her husband. The signs he was violent were clear.

One night she came home from a night out with friends and he beat her so severely he broke her jaw and eye socket, cracked a rib, gave her whiplash and knocked her out. Her 13 year old daughter dragged her out to the car and fetched her 10 year old brother. When she came round she drove away and never went back.

leilaphoenix · April 2011

I agree with a lot of the comments above - it sounds like its time to get out. From a slightly different point of view, my father was very abusive to my mother and the day she decided it was time for us to go was the happiest day of my life. I was 12 and had a much happier life being away from abuse. Divorce can often be the best thing that happens to families...

whiskey9890 · April 2011

please don't stay in this relationship, divorce will not be easy and it will take its toll on you and the kids, but nowhere near as much as this relationship. there is a very strong chance that when you loose whatever weight you want to (or i have to ask are you doing it just for him?) that as previously stated he will find something else to grind you down with, there may be a possibility that he will start claiming that you are loosing the weight because you are trying to impress another man, and a jealous spouse can be a very nasty person to be around. please confide in a friend and let them know what you are going through, you may need there help through this.

i wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do

janesmith1 · April 2011

Oh honey, I hope you've already filed for divorce by now. Just file, you can probably do it on line from your computer. You deserve love and respect. You do not deserve verbal and physical abuse from anyone. Ever.

Just file for a divorce from him. Yes it will be hard, but you're working, you'll be fine. *hugs*

There are some things you can control and some things you can't. You can't control how he treats you. He is making that choice. You *can* control your own reaction to the situation, you can go rent an apt for you and the kids. And file for divorce. Do it tomorrow. File on line. Good luck!

divorce and venting

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