Un Supportive Family
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MrsChristinaG
Posts: 42
Okay, I apologize in advance as this may turn into a RANT. thank you for reading:
So I come from a pretty traditionally mexican family. Where almost everything is either cooked in grease or lard. where servings are meant to feed 2-3 people, and you HAVE to "clean your plate" AND accept 2nd helpings. Refusing to do so is considered "disperdicio" which is spanish means to "waste" or think you are too good to eat it.
After growing up in an environment like this I weighed in at about 275lbs by age 16. I lost this weight by 18, and regained it with my first pregnancy. IT's been about 2 years now since ive had my son, and am currently at 264.
So my parents call me and invite me, my husband, and our 18 mos old for dinner. they say they are having BARBACOA. the best kind Ive tasted come from fresno (200+ miles away) how could i turn that down? SO i look up how many calories a serving is, and realize that I dont have enough calories left in the day to eat that kind of food. So i get up, take out the stroller and walk around my neighborhood for about an hour so that i can make room for this great treat and still be on track.
By the time i get to my parents house, I have a pretty good idea of how much of what i am going to eat, and bring my kitchen scale with me. My parents look at me in complete disgust as i weigh and measure EVERYTHING i put on my plate. (keep in mind, I've put in some work initially to be even able to eat some of this)
I weigh out 6oz of this juicy meat, 1/2 cup of pico de gallo, 1/4 cup of refried beans, and 2 corn tortillas. it was a pretty decent sized meal, and i feel like i had really earned it.
MY dad offers me soda (several times) I say, "no thank you, I don't have room for it tonight" and he snickers at me. My mom gets somewhat "interested" into what i'm doing, i begin to talk about the entire program. My mom too is overweight and suffering from kidney failure, unfortunately, she isn't a candidate for a kidney transplant until she loses weight. ME, wanting to be her donor, am doing all of this to save both of our lives.
my dad offers me more tortilla chips, i kindly refuse because i have already gone over my budget of 10 calories. after pressuring me and telling me about when "he was in mexico, they had nothing to eat. now that he is in america he eats whatever the **** he wants, and that hes not overweight because he TAKES CARE OF HIMSELF, and that all i have to do is THINK IN MY HEAD 'DONT EAT' and that I, like him, can go the entire day without eating" hes convinced its all mind power. that if you are sick for example: with severe migraines, severe anxiety, and post partum depression you should BE ABLE to THINK/WISH it away. whenever i tried to inform him of my personal choices to make healthier choices, he would cut me off and tell me how stupid I was and blah blah blah. and that my food scale is bull**** and that i should be greatful to have access to food. Food of which put me in this situation to begin with.
I just swallowed my pride, i felt it was pointless to explain things to such a close minded person, and had to stop myself from just getting up and leaving. IT makes me very upset that just doing this, is so hard, time consuming and takes so much commitment... How should i deal with attitudes like this? MY family thinks i'm "getting stuck up" or that I'm "too good to eat their food". I'm a "***** because i dont stuff my face with their high calorie, greasy crap", but i only hurt MYSELF if i give into them. Where do i find a balance? How do i explain what I'm trying to do? or is it even worth trying to explain this?
So I come from a pretty traditionally mexican family. Where almost everything is either cooked in grease or lard. where servings are meant to feed 2-3 people, and you HAVE to "clean your plate" AND accept 2nd helpings. Refusing to do so is considered "disperdicio" which is spanish means to "waste" or think you are too good to eat it.
After growing up in an environment like this I weighed in at about 275lbs by age 16. I lost this weight by 18, and regained it with my first pregnancy. IT's been about 2 years now since ive had my son, and am currently at 264.
So my parents call me and invite me, my husband, and our 18 mos old for dinner. they say they are having BARBACOA. the best kind Ive tasted come from fresno (200+ miles away) how could i turn that down? SO i look up how many calories a serving is, and realize that I dont have enough calories left in the day to eat that kind of food. So i get up, take out the stroller and walk around my neighborhood for about an hour so that i can make room for this great treat and still be on track.
By the time i get to my parents house, I have a pretty good idea of how much of what i am going to eat, and bring my kitchen scale with me. My parents look at me in complete disgust as i weigh and measure EVERYTHING i put on my plate. (keep in mind, I've put in some work initially to be even able to eat some of this)
I weigh out 6oz of this juicy meat, 1/2 cup of pico de gallo, 1/4 cup of refried beans, and 2 corn tortillas. it was a pretty decent sized meal, and i feel like i had really earned it.
MY dad offers me soda (several times) I say, "no thank you, I don't have room for it tonight" and he snickers at me. My mom gets somewhat "interested" into what i'm doing, i begin to talk about the entire program. My mom too is overweight and suffering from kidney failure, unfortunately, she isn't a candidate for a kidney transplant until she loses weight. ME, wanting to be her donor, am doing all of this to save both of our lives.
my dad offers me more tortilla chips, i kindly refuse because i have already gone over my budget of 10 calories. after pressuring me and telling me about when "he was in mexico, they had nothing to eat. now that he is in america he eats whatever the **** he wants, and that hes not overweight because he TAKES CARE OF HIMSELF, and that all i have to do is THINK IN MY HEAD 'DONT EAT' and that I, like him, can go the entire day without eating" hes convinced its all mind power. that if you are sick for example: with severe migraines, severe anxiety, and post partum depression you should BE ABLE to THINK/WISH it away. whenever i tried to inform him of my personal choices to make healthier choices, he would cut me off and tell me how stupid I was and blah blah blah. and that my food scale is bull**** and that i should be greatful to have access to food. Food of which put me in this situation to begin with.
I just swallowed my pride, i felt it was pointless to explain things to such a close minded person, and had to stop myself from just getting up and leaving. IT makes me very upset that just doing this, is so hard, time consuming and takes so much commitment... How should i deal with attitudes like this? MY family thinks i'm "getting stuck up" or that I'm "too good to eat their food". I'm a "***** because i dont stuff my face with their high calorie, greasy crap", but i only hurt MYSELF if i give into them. Where do i find a balance? How do i explain what I'm trying to do? or is it even worth trying to explain this?
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Replies
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Wow Christine, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I know how hard this is and I know how important it is to have the support you need. But let me say how PROUD I am of YOU!!!! You stuck to your plan and did what you needed to do in the midst of this trial! Gosh, I wish I had the guts to be as strong as you!!
You hang in there and feel free to friend me for support and I'd DEFINATELY would love to have your support! You are a STRONG person!!! :bigsmile:0 -
I am really sorry you are having to endure that. This journey to a healthier life is hard enough as it is and to not have your family's full support is incomprehensible. I cannot imagine what you must feel. My family (parent's inparticular) are my biggest supporters and cheerleaders. Usually I would say remove the negative people from your life but they are you family. If you could sit down and have a very serious talk with them and explain to them what you just did to us. If it doesn't work at least you made one last attempt!! Just know all of us on MFP would love to support you thru this journey!! Keep your head up0
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sometimes even when your family are the ones who uintentionally make it harder for us to pursue our healthy choices we just have to keep going because it is for our health and our body that we do this. no one else will feel the pain we feel or have to deal with the recovery if we get sick or injured so it is up to us to do what needs to be done.0
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You're family is just worried about you. Food plays a huge role in many cultures (I'm 1/2 Filipino). Just be clear to your family that you have done a lot of research on eating healthy food and the right proportions. You've found something that works for you and you would appreciate their understanding. You love their food, but don't need to eat a lot of it to feel satisfied... and remind them that you are not malnourished. You're tracking your calories and making sure not to under eat. That's my 2 cents... And when they cut you off 'cause they don't want to hear it, let it go. There will be many other opportunities for you to remind them of your choice.0
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Lots of parents see a clean plate and think you must want more. Try and take a bit more than you intend to eat and leave some of it on the plate as an obvious sign that you're full. Then if they try and offer you more you can say "no thanks I'm stuffed." It might be a little easier to fight them on the "you must clean your plate" grounds than the "you have to have seconds" grounds.
Or . . . you gotta talk to em one more time and clearly explain what you're trying to do. Ask for their support in helping you. Once they agree that they'll help, whenever your dad starts in on something, politely cut him off and say this isn't helping me reach my goal. He may not like it much, but if all he has to do to support you is let you make your own choices, he should be able to manage.
GL0 -
Until they are ready to hear you, they are not going to listen. you'll only get a headache pounding against a wall like that. Once they see the real changes and how much you enjoy the amounts you choose to eat they may be ready to hear you. See if you can visit during non-meal times and have scheduled issues around meals, if possible.0
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I think that when people are in denial about their own situations, it is easier for them to unintentionally sabotage the people close to them who are acknowledging the same problem and doing something about it. Hang in there, and stick with it. Maybe eventually you will inspire them.0
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I don't know if you can get away with this, but if someone was pushing food on me while going on and on about willpower, I would say something about how I AM using willpower, so please stop.
Would it be possible to sit down and have a talk with them outside of the kitchen? Extremely hard to initiate and uncomfortable, but if you could talk about the healthy aspects, and not just rejecting what they are offering (this is how most families and friends like this see it - they don't see you being healthy, they see you rejecting the wonderful food that they went through the trouble of providing). This change in perspective is not likely to happen over a meal.0 -
if they dont understand it the first time.
they wont understand at all.
point taken they still see you as their mexican daughter that they cared for and fed for a very long time.
they dont see past the point of that
you wont be able to avoid stuff like that.
you have to just deal with all the negative in front of you. (but dont listen to what they say) cause it could really mess you up and put you off track. then you say maybe their right when really they arent.
for being overweight they dont understand really the damage that can do to them. until its to late.
what you gotta do is be an example. do what you know is right.
im sorry your family isnt supportive.
if you like you can add me. i totally understand what you going through. msg me anytime.0 -
Unfortunately there's nothing you CAN do about someone's beliefs. You don't have to agree, but you don't have to mention it either. Do you think you could leave the tools at home when you're over there and eyeball it? It might not be exact, but without the reminder that you aren't the same as them anymore they may lay off a bit.
Smile, nod, and change the subject.
(and it's awesome that you can be a donor for your mom)0 -
Well I can honestly say I feel your pain because I too come from a mostly traditional hispanic family. So I understand what our going through. Here's what I can recommend from my experience, some may seem harsh but in the end this is about satisfying yourself. I'm just going to be very blunt so I apologize if I hurt your feelings in anyway it's not intended.
1. Stick to your regime. You know exactly how much you can consume in calories and such in a day. And eatting something just to satisfy your family isn't going to help your weight loss. Your working hard to help yourself, and probably your mom later in life. Don't back down from your decision just because of them assuming that your being snotty when you aren't.
2. Make it known to them constantly that the amount they eat isn't healthy and that in all reality, all they are doing is wasting food that they work so hard to earn the income to buy. If anything their excess income is being used to buy food instead of putting some of that money away for retirement, which just isn't good on both ends. Reality, their focus is at eatting horribly which can kill them sooner, and no retirement funds which = later they won't have the money to eat anyway. Even if they have good jobs, if they aren't training themselves for retirement later in life they won't go far.
3. Even if they call you snotty, or accuse you of being a brat for not wanting to ruin your diet. Defend yourself. It may seem harsh, but you don't need to use fowl language at them either. Just let them know in abit of a harsh tone that the fact that your working so hard to be healthy and possibly donate a kidney to your mom shows how selfless you really are. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be working so hard in the first place.
4. Even though you would probably donate your kidney to your mom to help her in life. A doctor will probably at this point advise against such an action on your part until your mom loses weight. Doctors don't see a point in giving perfectly good organs to people who don't care enough about themselves to even try to lose weight.
5. When they bring up those stories from the past "IE didn't have food." you should also mention that first off thats in the past, and they have food now, which they abuse constantly which proves how ungrateful they really are. If they were truly grateful they wouldn't be so willing to waste so much food in a single meal.
6. Love. Yeah this one is probably throwing you off, but let me clarify. Tell your family that if they truly, honest to God loved you, they wouldn't put so much effort into hurting your feelings about wanting to be healthy. True families are about love and acceptance of ones decisions that impact their lives. (with the exception of drug or alchohol abuse, they should try to help you in this case). If they cannot accept that you do not want to eat so much food and are taking the time to make sure your portions are proper, then tell them that for you that's a indication that they do not truly love you. Because if they did, they would be supportive of your diet, and would encourage you instead of trying to make you feel like you committed a crime.
As i've said my suggestions are probably harsh. But this is what I did to my family, and at first they continually made fun of me about it. But then when I didn't cave in to what they wanted me to do they realized eventually that what I was doing was for my best interest. And they themselves have made some changes as well.
As for your mom, I recommend that you try to convince her to exercise with you. If she really wants your kidney, then she's gonna have to follow the doctors instructions and lose some weight. Try to get her to go on walks with you if you can. And if she complains, tell her to look at the reward at the end. The reward being that maybe if she does it enough, maybe she won't even need surgery to save her own life.
I hope what i've said either helped or gave you something to think about.
Even if your family chooses to never support you, you can be happy in knowing that there are people on here who are more than willing to give you support.
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Thank you everyone for your sincere motivation and support. I agree with the idea of serving myself more than i intend to eat to leave some on the plate. I am sort of a vacuum and will mostly make it disappear if its on my plate. I'll give it a go when i have more sense of control and can "eyeball" my portion sizes better. I've only been at this 100% for about 5 days, so this is a learning process for me too.
Maybe i should just "agree with what they say" and keep doing what i'm doing and change the subject too. that way they arent focused on what i am doing
Maybe the kitchen scale was a bit much. I guess I just really wanted not to overdo it since i had worked so hard just to get there. That meal alone was over 600 calories, but was still in my budget. I'm thinking after a while of measuring and weighing I will be able to get a pretty good eyeball estimate as to how much a serving is, I've never really read labels before or counted calories, so all of this is really new to me and hadn't realized how much i was putting into my body, i was really hoping they would upport my idea for the scale, even if i asked in advance if i could bring it along to help me.0 -
Yeah, things might also ease up once you don't need the scale. For one thing, you won't be calling attention to how much you aren't eating and for another, they might feel like they have won some kind of victory.0
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So I'm Mexican. I really do understand what you are saying because growing up I had to endure the same kind of stuff. I always was very thin and I was always critiziced for how little I ate "Comes como un pollito".
From a very early age I had the personality to ignore what other people said, and believe me, it works. When people say you have to eat more, you just don't answer, and don't. I never ate tortillas, and it was like I was an alien... I just smiled at whoever said crap. They don't insist. They just don't if they realize you are serious about it, and you do NOT care what they think.
And remember, Mexico is the 2nd fattest country in the world (after the USA), so we are surrounded by bad advice. I know it's hard, but ignore (especially being that you have such amazing goals as to be your mom's donor!0 -
Congratulations on sticking to your plan, you made an iron-clad decision and made it through, power to you. Now, I think you have done the hardest thing and it will be much easier from now on.
I totally understand families where there has been past food issues, my father nearly starved in Europe during the war and would get anxious about waste. However, that was his issue and doesn't mean I have to be unhealthy because of that.
From now on, I believe you have stated your cause clearly, they don't accept it, but you are old enough to make your own decisions and they will get used to your behaviour as time goes on, as long as you remain consistent.
Looking at the silver lining - you have a family who loves and cares for you. I don't have to deal with that situation, but I don't have that family support.
GG0 -
Well I can honestly say I feel your pain because I too come from a mostly traditional hispanic family. So I understand what our going through. Here's what I can recommend from my experience, some may seem harsh but in the end this is about satisfying yourself. I'm just going to be very blunt so I apologize if I hurt your feelings in anyway it's not intended.
1. Stick to your regime. You know exactly how much you can consume in calories and such in a day. And eatting something just to satisfy your family isn't going to help your weight loss. Your working hard to help yourself, and probably your mom later in life. Don't back down from your decision just because of them assuming that your being snotty when you aren't.
2. Make it known to them constantly that the amount they eat isn't healthy and that in all reality, all they are doing is wasting food that they work so hard to earn the income to buy. If anything their excess income is being used to buy food instead of putting some of that money away for retirement, which just isn't good on both ends. Reality, their focus is at eatting horribly which can kill them sooner, and no retirement funds which = later they won't have the money to eat anyway. Even if they have good jobs, if they aren't training themselves for retirement later in life they won't go far.
3. Even if they call you snotty, or accuse you of being a brat for not wanting to ruin your diet. Defend yourself. It may seem harsh, but you don't need to use fowl language at them either. Just let them know in abit of a harsh tone that the fact that your working so hard to be healthy and possibly donate a kidney to your mom shows how selfless you really are. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be working so hard in the first place.
4. Even though you would probably donate your kidney to your mom to help her in life. A doctor will probably at this point advise against such an action on your part until your mom loses weight. Doctors don't see a point in giving perfectly good organs to people who don't care enough about themselves to even try to lose weight.
5. When they bring up those stories from the past "IE didn't have food." you should also mention that first off thats in the past, and they have food now, which they abuse constantly which proves how ungrateful they really are. If they were truly grateful they wouldn't be so willing to waste so much food in a single meal.
6. Love. Yeah this one is probably throwing you off, but let me clarify. Tell your family that if they truly, honest to God loved you, they wouldn't put so much effort into hurting your feelings about wanting to be healthy. True families are about love and acceptance of ones decisions that impact their lives. (with the exception of drug or alchohol abuse, they should try to help you in this case). If they cannot accept that you do not want to eat so much food and are taking the time to make sure your portions are proper, then tell them that for you that's a indication that they do not truly love you. Because if they did, they would be supportive of your diet, and would encourage you instead of trying to make you feel like you committed a crime.
As i've said my suggestions are probably harsh. But this is what I did to my family, and at first they continually made fun of me about it. But then when I didn't cave in to what they wanted me to do they realized eventually that what I was doing was for my best interest. And they themselves have made some changes as well.
As for your mom, I recommend that you try to convince her to exercise with you. If she really wants your kidney, then she's gonna have to follow the doctors instructions and lose some weight. Try to get her to go on walks with you if you can. And if she complains, tell her to look at the reward at the end. The reward being that maybe if she does it enough, maybe she won't even need surgery to save her own life.
I hope what i've said either helped or gave you something to think about.
Even if your family chooses to never support you, you can be happy in knowing that there are people on here who are more than willing to give you support.
I have to say i completely agree with you. I couldn't help but laugh at how "on target" you were about things that never really crossed my mind before. Thank you, I will definitely keep this in mind and use it in the near future to defend myself0 -
So I'm Mexican. I really do understand what you are saying because growing up I had to endure the same kind of stuff. I always was very thin and I was always critiziced for how little I ate "Comes como un pollito".
From a very early age I had the personality to ignore what other people said, and believe me, it works. When people say you have to eat more, you just don't answer, and don't. I never ate tortillas, and it was like I was an alien... I just smiled at whoever said crap. They don't insist. They just don't if they realize you are serious about it, and you do NOT care what they think.
And remember, Mexico is the 2nd fattest country in the world (after the USA), so we are surrounded by bad advice. I know it's hard, but ignore (especially being that you have such amazing goals as to be your mom's donor!
This was a great comment, I was one of those people who also pressed my thinner relatives to have second helpings. I just realized i did that just this past weekend when i made breakfast at my parents house. I figured, they had the room and could squeeze it in. I feel bad for it now, especially because I didn't even finish my own plate. I'm sorry you were teased and called a little chicken. And i apologize on behalf of those who did.0 -
Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies and advice. I'm pretty new here and never knew such an excellent support system existed. that was also FREE! You've all made me feel so much better, and have each given me a new tool to arm myself with. Thank you all again. This place is truly a diamond in the rough.0
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So I won't say I know what you are going through but I can say I understand. I am multi-racial and I joke that the type of food we eat is almost set up for failure. My father's side of the family is black and Native American, I don't really have a relationship with them now but as a child I did and everything was always fried. Breakfast was huge and like your family I was forced to clean the plate. My mother's side of the family is Italian and Puerto Rican.......one word CARBS. My grandmother (RIP) 100% Puerto Rican also had the rule to eat everything on your plate and she use to make up the plates lol. If I didn't eat I was often told "your eyes are bigger than your stomach" and sometimes not allowed to leave the table (unless my really awesome uncle sweet talked my grandma and bailed me out)
As I mentioned I don't have much contact with my father's side of the family but I do my mom's. I have an Aunt on that side that is over weight, I'd say the same size as me if not bigger. She looked at me one day and said "You would be so beautiful if you lost weight." and she would brag that she ate less than me for dinner........forgetting that she snacked on 3 donuts before hand. It hurt, I took it as an insult because I thought I was pretty.
I have a cousin that I think tried to kill me (jokingly) not a conversation can go by where there isn't calories, dieting or exercise mentioned. When I visited her last I felt like I was a contestant on the biggest loser she had me working out so much and on such a strict diet I cried myself to sleep the entire 2 weeks I was there. I forgot to mention her husband is in the military and they have their own gym at their house.
My mom, I love her but she has been overweight for the past 20yrs of her life. I'm not sure if she tries to hurt me or she is trying to help and doesn't know how but many times in the past when I was working out she would critique how I was doing it, what form I had and more. It was very discouraging. Even now my first week doing this program she offered me a piece of chocolate fudge cake. The only difference is I feel ready to be strong enough and say no, while in the past I wasn't.
Besides my mother (because I live with her) nobody in my family knows I am trying to lose weight and become healthy. I was so excited I lost 5lbs I wanted to post on Facebook but refused. I don't want anyone to know because as much as I love my family.....I know them and instead of a congratulations I'd get "Only 5lbs?" so instead I kept it to myself. Time will show my improvement and one day their words won't matter because I will be comfortable and confident in my own body.0 -
So I won't say I know what you are going through but I can say I understand. I am multi-racial and I joke that the type of food we eat is almost set up for failure. My father's side of the family is black and Native American, I don't really have a relationship with them now but as a child I did and everything was always fried. Breakfast was huge and like your family I was forced to clean the plate. My mother's side of the family is Italian and Puerto Rican.......one word CARBS. My grandmother (RIP) 100% Puerto Rican also had the rule to eat everything on your plate and she use to make up the plates lol. If I didn't eat I was often told "your eyes are bigger than your stomach" and sometimes not allowed to leave the table (unless my really awesome uncle sweet talked my grandma and bailed me out)
As I mentioned I don't have much contact with my father's side of the family but I do my mom's. I have an Aunt on that side that is over weight, I'd say the same size as me if not bigger. She looked at me one day and said "You would be so beautiful if you lost weight." and she would brag that she ate less than me for dinner........forgetting that she snacked on 3 donuts before hand. It hurt, I took it as an insult because I thought I was pretty.
I have a cousin that I think tried to kill me (jokingly) not a conversation can go by where there isn't calories, dieting or exercise mentioned. When I visited her last I felt like I was a contestant on the biggest loser she had me working out so much and on such a strict diet I cried myself to sleep the entire 2 weeks I was there. I forgot to mention her husband is in the military and they have their own gym at their house.
My mom, I love her but she has been overweight for the past 20yrs of her life. I'm not sure if she tries to hurt me or she is trying to help and doesn't know how but many times in the past when I was working out she would critique how I was doing it, what form I had and more. It was very discouraging. Even now my first week doing this program she offered me a piece of chocolate fudge cake. The only difference is I feel ready to be strong enough and say no, while in the past I wasn't.
Besides my mother (because I live with her) nobody in my family knows I am trying to lose weight and become healthy. I was so excited I lost 5lbs I wanted to post on Facebook but refused. I don't want anyone to know because as much as I love my family.....I know them and instead of a congratulations I'd get "Only 5lbs?" so instead I kept it to myself. Time will show my improvement and one day their words won't matter because I will be comfortable and confident in my own body.
But girl, their words don't matter ALREADY because you are doing such a great effort and even have results to show for it!! It's always sad when our families aren't on our side, but this is all too common... we are different people with different views and it's just kind of impossible to make so many of us agree. But be brave, you found this site and around here we all have our similar issues, which is always awesome for support...
Congrats on your 5 pounds!0
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