Does anyone have a spouse that undermines their efforts?

UpEarly
UpEarly Posts: 2,555 Member
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
So, my husband just popped by my workplace with a big, lovely, fluffy coconut cupcake, decorated with a marshmallow peep and jellybeans. Just a few days ago, I told him I really needed his support and to please stop bringing me 'treats'. He said he would do whatever I needed to support me.

But, I've been having a HORRIBLE time at work lately, so I think he brought me the cupcake out of kindness and to cheer me up. The bakery is right next to the place he gets his hair cut, and I know he must have seen the cupcake in the front window. Normally, he buys a half dozen cupcakes, so maybe in his mind buying a single cupcake instead of many is supportive? But, I also know he doesn't think I should lose weight, which is great for my self-esteem - but I want to be healthier.

What can I do to let him know that I'm really serious, and I really do need him to support this effort?

(and for the record - I totally ate that cupcake! I can resist the cupcake I don't have, but not the cupcake placed in front of me- LOL) <sigh> I guess I'll be having a salad instead of a full dinner tonight to stay under my calorie allotment)
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Replies

  • gupton11
    gupton11 Posts: 80
    Sounds like his intentions were good, just remind him that you need his support.
  • DarkAngel864
    DarkAngel864 Posts: 229 Member
    Show him exactly what you just wrote us.

    That way he feels appreciated yet knows how serious you are.

    Then maybe that can be a lead in that you love that he drops by, maybe you can take a quick walk around the parking lot together, or even for a quick kiss.
  • AmandaHammill
    AmandaHammill Posts: 125 Member
    I'd tell him that you appreciate his kindness and efforts to cheer you up but that you would prefer he brings you something like a flower or a bouquet of flowers that lasts longer than something you can eat. you can put on it your desk and tell him that way you'll think of him every time you look at it. :-)
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    I'd tell him that you appreciate his kindness and efforts to cheer you up but that you would prefer he brings you something like a flower or a bouquet of flowers that lasts longer than something you can eat. you can put on it your desk and tell him that way you'll think of him every time you look at it. :-)

    ^THIS
  • odditblue
    odditblue Posts: 34 Member
    OMG yes. All the time. I go to work, and on his days off of school, he goes to SAMs and buys a ton of snacks...
    Or wants to eat out at the worst possible places...
    Or brings me in a bar of ice cream for a treat...
    I know he loves me, I really do, but golly gee....
    It's like he doesn't understand, or doesn't want me to change.
    =|
  • mbnharrison
    mbnharrison Posts: 57 Member
    All the time. All the time.

    What's worse is that my husband does these things for me to have "treats" and then comments about how skinny I was when we first met as I was barely over 100lbs and over exercising and miserable so I try to take it with a grain of salt but it's quite discouraging especially because heaven forbid I comment on the fact that his waist has become thicker and he can't claim pregnancy on that!

    I really have to use all my personal strength in order to not fall of this journey when he does the grocery shopping in our house...
    Good luck with yours!
  • Girlypeekaboo
    Girlypeekaboo Posts: 85
    My man does the samething! And when I talk abt I'm gonna be such a hottie when I lose the 50lbs he doesn't like it...idk if he is afriad of me becoming eye candy or if he thinks I'm gonna leave him or something...but anyways he always brings home lil treats for me which I admit its cute n brightens up my day with lil surprises but I can't eat it...last week he brought me mint moose track ice cream I took a couple bites n had to throw it away he just giggles lolz
  • Ash10Dent
    Ash10Dent Posts: 75
    My husband is the worst..if he wants to run out to get something to eat I'll say pick me up a salad..then he comes back with the salad and a big mac and literally puts them in front of me and tells me to choose. It used to really piss me off so he stopped..how can I choose a salad over Mcdonalds?! lol.
  • fitzie63
    fitzie63 Posts: 508 Member
    This often happens as the spouse of the weight reducing person starts "looking slim, trim & drop-dead gorgeous". Whether the "enabler" (a term often used for alcoholics who cannot drink alone so they try to get others to join in their destructive behavior) is able to admit it or not. They are afraid of "losing" that healthier spouse to someone else so they, subconsciously, do what they can to destroy the other person's efforts to keep them fat. That's the bottom line...fear of loss and underlying jealousy of the unknown...it's a protective defense mechanism. That's not a bad thing but it might help you understand the behavior. Be strong and don't give in when the "treats" appear because that person loves you with all their being. Thank them, love them, and tell them that you love them enough to stay with your program and be super healthy so you can enjoy each other for more years than you want to count.
  • Mrsjenningsjr
    Mrsjenningsjr Posts: 149 Member
    Yep! My husband did until he had his own health scare...sometimes words don't work. Overtime, as he sees your consistent choices in healthy foods and good activity habits he'll accept them and support you. Although it seemed he meant well, old habits are hard to break and if every time you were at odds he brightened your day with food well then...over time his efforts will be complimenting to your goals!
  • jaimejean478
    jaimejean478 Posts: 152 Member
    I have the same issues! My boyfriend thinks a 20 minute will "work off" the steak and potatoes from dinner! HA! Or just because it's got veggies and chicken in it, it's healthy - nevermind the sauce/dressing/sodium it's drenched in. I try to be patient, and I know I'm a walking contradiction half the time (I'd eat the cupcake too!!), but those are my own choices usually made after an appropriate workout. He doesn't have a gym membership anymore, so without him wanting to go too, I have no motivation when he's around. Luckily warm weather is finally around the corner, so walking/biking is more of an option.

    And don't get me started on the fact that if he were to adopt this healthier lifestyle, he'd drop 10 lbs in the 1st week. LOL!
  • UpEarly
    UpEarly Posts: 2,555 Member
    And don't get me started on the fact that if he were to adopt this healthier lifestyle, he'd drop 10 lbs in the 1st week. LOL!

    OH! Don't you just *hate* that. My husband can't stop drinking soda for two weeks and lose 15 pounds. Enraging! :-)
  • aggie04chic
    aggie04chic Posts: 12
    My other half is impossible as well (which is even more frustrating seeing as his health is in even worse shape than mine). I find that reminding him of my goals, and showing him the actual numbers I'm working to (we are both engineers, and numbers seem to make it clearer) helps. If he's not on the same path as you then he will see a single cupcake as opposed to a box of cupcakes as an improvement, with no clues as to the calories in the cupcake. And don't feel bad about the inability to resist the cupcake in front of you, most can't!
  • shayka
    shayka Posts: 2
    just tell him.. oh honey you know I'm trying to lose weight" How about we give the cupcake to a goworker and I'll make it up to you by taking you out to an healthy restaurant or you can cook something healthy for him. that way he know that you loved him but at the sametime you are serious about losing those pound.
  • grouch201
    grouch201 Posts: 404 Member
    I'd tell him that you appreciate his kindness and efforts to cheer you up but that you would prefer he brings you something like a flower or a bouquet of flowers that lasts longer than something you can eat. you can put on it your desk and tell him that way you'll think of him every time you look at it. :-)

    ^THIS
    I'm putting my stamp on this as well. When it comes to treats, I usually go out of my way to share them with as many people as possible. Slice that muffin into halves or quarters and then spread it around. Don't just let the cupcake sit there though. The longer you sit and stare at it, the more likely it'll be that you'll eat it. Being healthier doesn't always have to mean eliminating tasty treats. Just reducing how much of the sugary sweet stuff you eat is a victory.
  • cardbucfan
    cardbucfan Posts: 10,571 Member
    You are so not alone in this! My husband gets doughnuts every single Saturday and brings them home and asks "want one?" well of course I do! But, I don't eat it. And after 8 months of this he doesn't bring me one anymore. He still gets them though. He also will ask what's for dinner and when I tell him what delicious, healthy food we are going to have he always whines "can't we have fun food?!?"-meaning junk food. Good luck, we'll support you even if he doesn't!
  • DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo
    DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo Posts: 296
    I set the alarm to get up earlier to workout... he will turn it off and/or start "spooning" when its time for me to get up....

    I can resist his treats ( candy, cakes, etc but I havent been able to resist his dinner invitations.... )
  • aimeealee
    aimeealee Posts: 36 Member
    I hear you. I wouldn't say that my husband under mines me, rather, he is not supportive. In his eyes(and most people), he does not think that I need to lose weight. He has gotten a little better over the last couple of year. I struggle every winter and get very depressed about it. It takes me months to get back on track. It is unfortunate that my husband is cursed with overactive, sensetive taste buds and minimal desire for physical activity. My advice is to stay positive, continue to pleasently request the supportive changes that you need, and hopefully he will slowly jump on the healthy band wagon with you. Good Luck!!!:smile:
  • whiskey9890
    whiskey9890 Posts: 652 Member
    mine!!! he is a right little so and so for tempting me, last night we had a 5 minute "discussion" over whether i wanted a dessert or not, and this is a regular thing, he always wants a pudding after the main meal always wants something unhealthy, always wants crisps and chocolate to take as part of his lunch for work, when he cooks he refuses to tell me whats in it and produces huge portions and then sulks if i don't eat it all. he gloats when he steps on the scale or goes down a belt notch without trying, and worse of all he jiggles my flabby bits!!!!

    but i do still love him despite his faults
  • vox23
    vox23 Posts: 246 Member
    I posted a topic similar to this a while back. The consensus was that our spouses generally are just trying to brighten up our days, but in the big scheme of things, it is up to us what we do or don't put in our mouth, right?! That's what everyone was telling me. So I told myself, they're right! No matter if your spouse is just being nice or trying to sabotage you or whatever reason, you can either eat the treats or not.

    In a perfect world there would be no temptation. However, how boring would life be then too.

    Good luck!!!
  • AllyS7
    AllyS7 Posts: 480 Member
    All the time. He doesn't mean to, he's just not accepted the same mindset I have. The poor guy got a Cheesecake the other day, and thawed it out when I asked him to grab a snack for me. Now I know how I got the way I am.

    He's trying to be sweet, but I kindly thank him and remind him of my new lifestyle.
  • NobodyKnows
    NobodyKnows Posts: 764 Member
    When I read the topic, I thought the question was related to sex.

    My answer: YES!!!!
  • Onesnap
    Onesnap Posts: 2,819 Member
    I remember when I joined MFP in January 2011. Since then, it's been two steps forward, two steps back.

    The reason? Because when my husband snacks I snack too. When my husband leaves snacks on the table I eat them late at night. I had his support when I joined MFP (he hid all the candy and snacks!!) Now, I'm still the one doing the grocery shopping so I keep a lot of the snacks out. I've just gotta stop matching my hubby bite for bite. They say that's the biggest downfall--matching bite for bite! (next time share the cupcake with a co-worker--your hubby means well!)
  • megan_mp
    megan_mp Posts: 77
    While I hear your frustrations (mine are semi-similar), I'm impressed with your husband that he:

    1. Thought about you
    2. Took the time to purchase something for you
    3. Took the time to bring said purchase to you

    This has never happened to me in my 17 years of marriage! :)

    Lucky girl!
  • TS65
    TS65 Posts: 1,024 Member
    This often happens as the spouse of the weight reducing person starts "looking slim, trim & drop-dead gorgeous". Whether the "enabler" (a term often used for alcoholics who cannot drink alone so they try to get others to join in their destructive behavior) is able to admit it or not. They are afraid of "losing" that healthier spouse to someone else so they, subconsciously, do what they can to destroy the other person's efforts to keep them fat. That's the bottom line...fear of loss and underlying jealousy of the unknown...it's a protective defense mechanism. That's not a bad thing but it might help you understand the behavior. Be strong and don't give in when the "treats" appear because that person loves you with all their being. Thank them, love them, and tell them that you love them enough to stay with your program and be super healthy so you can enjoy each other for more years than you want to count.

    ^
    ^
    ^
    PERFECT answer. I was going to try to say something like this, but you said it much better.
  • Bellydance
    Bellydance Posts: 105 Member
    While I hear your frustrations (mine are semi-similar), I'm impressed with your husband that he:

    1. Thought about you
    2. Took the time to purchase something for you
    3. Took the time to bring said purchase to you

    This has never happened to me in my 17 years of marriage! :)

    Lucky girl!

    Same here. I'm jealous. I've asked mine to come take me out to lunch and it hasn't happened. Maybe that's one of the reasons we aren't together anymore!!! ~big sigh~
  • Foxworth81
    Foxworth81 Posts: 124 Member
    And don't get me started on the fact that if he were to adopt this healthier lifestyle, he'd drop 10 lbs in the 1st week. LOL!

    OH! Don't you just *hate* that. My husband can't stop drinking soda for two weeks and lose 15 pounds. Enraging! :-)

    For the record, my husband has been VERY supportive of my diet efforts for the most part. He has always been thin and is usually trying to put on weight. But last week he had the nerve to criticize the fact that healthy food is so expensive and that becuse I was dieting, HE has lost 20 pounds. I know he was teasing but that really struck me the wrong way. I haven't even lost that much weight. UGH!
  • ButterflyKristen
    ButterflyKristen Posts: 109 Member
    This often happens as the spouse of the weight reducing person starts "looking slim, trim & drop-dead gorgeous". Whether the "enabler" (a term often used for alcoholics who cannot drink alone so they try to get others to join in their destructive behavior) is able to admit it or not. They are afraid of "losing" that healthier spouse to someone else so they, subconsciously, do what they can to destroy the other person's efforts to keep them fat. That's the bottom line...fear of loss and underlying jealousy of the unknown...it's a protective defense mechanism. That's not a bad thing but it might help you understand the behavior. Be strong and don't give in when the "treats" appear because that person loves you with all their being. Thank them, love them, and tell them that you love them enough to stay with your program and be super healthy so you can enjoy each other for more years than you want to count.

    Sage advice. I think I'll tell the same to my husband but add a little spice: I think I'll tell him how "excited" it will make me to be at my GW and wear sexy lingerie.... :love:
  • craftylatvian
    craftylatvian Posts: 599 Member
    I fell very lucky..my fiance joined MFP all on his own a week after I did. I never asked him to, I just told him about the site and how great it was. He was always the "ice cream at 9 o'clock" person so to see him change and be supportive is a blessing.
  • suemar74
    suemar74 Posts: 447 Member
    mine!!! he is a right little so and so for tempting me, last night we had a 5 minute "discussion" over whether i wanted a dessert or not, and this is a regular thing, he always wants a pudding after the main meal always wants something unhealthy, always wants crisps and chocolate to take as part of his lunch for work, when he cooks he refuses to tell me whats in it and produces huge portions and then sulks if i don't eat it all. he gloats when he steps on the scale or goes down a belt notch without trying, and worse of all he jiggles my flabby bits!!!!

    but i do still love him despite his faults

    If my SO jiggled my flabby bits, I'd have to jab him in the throat. Seriously.
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