Why do I keep on doing this to myself?

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ktanderson05
ktanderson05 Posts: 207 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I have been overweight my entire life, and I am truly scared to lose weight, but I have no problem gaining more weight. I'm not trying to use this as an excuse but it does hold me back, I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child regarding my weight and some other things, but the weight things stay with me. I remember my dad putting me on every diet out there, we had a circular driveway and he had a chart and made me walk around it 20x a day, and I had to record it on a chart, and then I also got weighed in each week. Then when he got remarried his wife was terrible to me, but I was in good "health" then...I was in gym class, a weight lifting class, jogging every night after school like usually 2-3miles, and yet she continued to call me fat. Yes I was overweight but I think I couldn't lose the weight because of me having PCOS. So I am just stuck at that point in my life, and I don't know how to get past it. I want to be free of those things but I'm also scared to let go as well. Idk why I'm scared to let go?

Can someone please offer me some advice/comfort please???

Replies

  • Heather75
    Heather75 Posts: 3,386 Member
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    We hold on to what is familiar, because we fear change. You have decided that you want to feel better, and that takes a certain amount of risk.

    Courage.
  • KaraHB
    KaraHB Posts: 9
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    This is probably gonna sound like psychobabble but the fat is just a defense mechanism. It is what you have control over. The good news is that you also have control over letting go of the fat. Start logging everything you eat- I promise it will motivate you to eat less. Make that one commitment and you will succeed.
  • blueeyedtraveler
    blueeyedtraveler Posts: 209 Member
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    I can't give you too much advice, but I can give you encouragement...

    Everything that you described is in the PAST, it doesn't define who are are to be. Some of those thing may have helped in making you who are you, but we can't look back, we can't change the past, all we can do it look towards the future and work to better ourselves in any way that we want to.

    Much of my family was overweight. I was "healthy" growing up, played soccer, but I was always bigger. I grew up knowing no different. Then, something clicked inside of my head and told me that I don't have to be that way if I don't want to. I have the ability to move forward and change myself, if that's what I truly wanted to do. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I love my family, but my past and my family does NOT define who I want to be, nor who I will be.

    You can make a change for the better, if that's what you want...don't let your step-mother's ways and the past stop you from achieving that!
  • Inpjs66
    Inpjs66 Posts: 109 Member
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    Change is good! A lot of people are afraid of it, but something good always comes out of it! MFP is a great site for support and motivation.
    Stay with us. Follow your goals and go get em!
  • McKayMachina
    McKayMachina Posts: 2,670 Member
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    We hold on to what is familiar, because we fear change. You have decided that you want to feel better, and that takes a certain amount of risk.

    Courage.

    My thoughts exactly.

    Now that you've looked backward and know some of the causes, you can turn around and start running forward. Don't give any more of your life to the past. Of course, as always, easier said than done so I wish you strength. You deserve better.
  • nikki91950
    nikki91950 Posts: 647
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    wow, that's terrible. i went through a lot of teasing and emotional abuse for being obese/overweight as well. sometimes, when we've only known things a certain way for our entire lives, whether it be positive or negative, we tend to hold on as tight as we can, because we know we're better off having the things stay the way they are rather than risk losing everything, even if everything really isn't anything worth holding onto. idk if that made any sense, but i tried. you could also be subconsciously sabotaging yourself to get back at your parents for riding you so much about being overweight… kinda like a weird control issue, you know?

    unfortunately, there's no magical solution for fixing psychological symptoms. sometimes, you just have to sit back, take a good look in the mirror and get up the courage to say and believe "you know what, f*** them. f*** what they think. this is my life, my body, and i can do anything i put my mind to." easier said than done, i know, but it is possible.

    you're young, you're strong, and you still have your whole life ahead of you. be brave. it's time to just finally let go and move on. turn over a new leaf, start off with a new slate. forget the past and just focus on the present and the future. you can do this!
  • shaheerahs
    shaheerahs Posts: 79 Member
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    Change can be scary sometimes. Try to remember that this one is definitely good for you and embrace it. We are all rooting for you!
  • monkeybuttsmommy
    monkeybuttsmommy Posts: 343 Member
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    First, you are not your past. Secondly may I suggest you talk to your doctor about referring you to a therapist? Or maybe a group that can give you support where you are? Its good you came here. Its a start and losing weight is scarey. I have been big all my life. My mother was a meth addict and alcoholic, she neglected me severely and to ease my pain I ate. My mom died at 51 from failed kidneys due to her drug and alcohol abuse. My father was a good man but my mom did everything she could to keep us kids away from him. I finally got a healthy relationship with him when my mom left me when I was 12. By then I was already 180 pounds. I was 200 pounds by my freshman year in highschool and balooned up to 260 when I graduated. After that I still had not dealt with my emotions about my mom and by 30 years old I was 290 pounds. I started college in 2000, a psychology degree. And as I learned I realized what I was doing to myself. I yo-yo dieted and suceeded one time at losing 60 pounds in 6 months but I didn't deal with the emotional scars left on me by my mother. It all came back. I am now in Graduate School to become a marriage and family therapist. They require you get therapy to graduate. I went on prozac to help with my depression and I am seeing a therapist. I found this site last month and now I am on my journey of health and putting myself first. I have a son, he will be one in May. I am 37. My father died a month after he was born from not taking care of his body. Bottom line is, we all have baggage. Its how we choose to deal with it that means the most! You can do this! I didn't mean to write a book here but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and you don't have to be scared anymore! Your Dad and stepmother have no control over you now! Live and be free from thier judgment and take care of you. Good luck.
  • TeriTee
    TeriTee Posts: 38
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    You're going to be a beautiful woman whether you lose weight or not, so just do it for your health. You'll physically feel better, and eventually you'll feel awesome about the way you look too, but don't let your looks dominate the situation. And your weight isn't your identity - find something else that is to hold on to.

    And don't give a **** about what anyone else thinks about your appearance (even if that takes practice). This is for you! Everyone's here to support you, too, so stick to it - it'll be so worth it :)

    Good luck <3
  • flutterqueen04
    flutterqueen04 Posts: 278
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    Dwelling on the past only gets you a wasted present and a hindered future.

    Just think of it as every pound you lose is a loss of emotional baggage as well. The thinner you get physically the lighter the mental baggage and you will feel sooo much better about yourself, about life, and about what truly matters - the here and now and what is to come :) You can do it, just start.
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
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    Wow, how awesome is this place, so much knowledge, understanding and compassion.

    I hear exactly where you are coming from, I have many scars and sadnesses, and 'reasons' to be unhappy. When we have dealt with negativity we tend to internalise harmful dialogue, but you can reprogram yourself, and it is fun!!

    How about not worrying about adverse outcomes but consider instead:
    * what if I reach my goals and am as awesome on the outside as I am on the inside?
    * what if I get so fit I can run and run and run as far and as long as I want?
    * what if I am so fit a friend asks me to go on a long bike ride and I say "sure why not", just for fun?
    * what if I dance all night instead of always being a wallflower?
    * what if I can have everything in my life I've always wanted/denied myself?

    I have been anxious all my life, and yes some really crappy things have happened to me, but guess what, those things were never the things that were really worrying me, so I used a whole lot of energy for nothing.

    Love yourself sweetie, because you are enough, always and forever, and you are worth it.

    GG
  • mexiana
    mexiana Posts: 77 Member
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    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/mexiana

    Read my last blog post entitled "Cuz I'm makin' change I swear to me" might be helpful for you :) I have different reasons for hanging on for so long, but the reason is still the same, I'm scared. There is a song on the post that is responsible for getting me started. Hope it helps!

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