My Husband is Cruel

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2bFitNTrim
2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
"Why?" do you ask? Well, let me explain.

We have been married nearly 28 yrs. When we first married, he was a very slender guy in the USN. His job was extremely physical, so he never had a weight problem & could put down some serious calories with no problems.

After 20 yrs in the service, he retired & then landed a really great job with good pay & benefits. Suddenly, he went from working on jets on an aircraft carrier to a desk job. That's when he started to put on weight. A little here, and little bit there. The doctor warned him that he needed to be careful & watch not only his calories, but the quality of food too. Unfortunately, my hubby either did not understand the warnings or maybe, he did not care. Or maybe, he thought that serious health problems only happen to "other people."

Sure enough, after a few years, he developed high blood pressure. Then, his cholesterol levels went up. He still didn't change his eating/exercise habits. He ignored the warning signs. Sure enough, in 2005 he was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.

Well, of course, he straightened up his act, right? Wrong. Oh, he did great for about 2 weeks, but went right back to his horrible habits. The doctor warned him. The family & I pleaded with him. I went to his diabetic nutrition classes with him. We did everything we could to support and help him, but he just was so stubborn. I can't tell you how many times he's declined my offer to take a walk in the neighborhood. Or the number of salads, veggies and healthy food he passes up. There have many suppers he'll turn with a "I'm not hungry," then later, I'd find him eating fritos with a regular coke. A diabetic drinking coke, sometimes 2 at a time! :noway:

I just brought my husband home from the hospital today. It was the 3rd such trip in 2 months. This time the doctors had to put in a stent in a coronary artery. Years of a poor diet with excessive weight & no exercise no doubt played a part in this. Coronary artery disease.

I am praying he changes before he kills himself. He eats too much, does not check his sugar levels like he is supposed to, he stays up too late at night, and only recently began a half-hearted attempt at exercise. It is not unusual to hear the reminder alarm beep on his monitor because he doesn't take it to work with him. Likewise he'll "forget" his workout clothes when he says he's going to the gym.

So why do I think he's cruel? Because though it is obviously hard on him, it has also taken quite the emotional toll on me, his son, and our family & friends. His co-workers cannot rely on him to be at work because he is ill so frequently (he gets colds & similar infections quite frequently too). Every time he is hospitalized, I am doing double time at home taking care of everything, and traveling up to 2 hrs making the trips back & forth to the hospital. And of course, I am worried sick not knowing how bad it's going to be "this time", you know? Fear, dread, worry. Anger, frustration, sadness.I feel all of these emotions at the same time. And sometimes, I feel guilty for being so angry with him!

My MFP pals, keep doing what you do. Eat well, exercise, be healthy. It's a gift you give yourself, but believe me, I know it is also a gift you give your loved ones.

Replies

  • Keightisgr8
    Keightisgr8 Posts: 121 Member
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    Thank you for posting this. I have one of those "diabetic" body types - you know, the egg with legs. I always tell people that my goal is not a weight - it is the goal of never having diabetes. I am insulin resistant, and with the way my weight was going, I was definitely going to end up insulin dependant. I never want that. Diabetes runs in my family (as does this body type), and I've seen the slow and terrible progression it makes. Nothing about the disease is fun - my grandpa ultimately died from diabetic complications, but not before much time spent in the hospital, having toes removed, etc.

    This was just another wake-up call reminder. Your story is something I will replay in my head on days I don't want to workout.

    As for your family, I'm sorry you have to go through this stress. Stay strong and encouraging, maybe your husband will finally have a wake up call that this isn't a joke, or reversible. Thinking of you <3
  • ACF2
    ACF2 Posts: 51
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    sorry _ lost my connection. like I said FOD is usally enough to get someone goin but u may need to push a trainer or someone to get him motivated_ obviously he still has part of that military "im invincible" mentality :^( good luck
  • DreamLittleDarling
    DreamLittleDarling Posts: 800 Member
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    Have you tried a little tough love? Has anyone looked him in the eye and said "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T CHANGE!"

    Hang in there, be strong. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! *hugs*
  • NatalieWinning
    NatalieWinning Posts: 999 Member
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    This was my Dad. He ate greasy southern food and teased us with eating turkey skin when we said don't. He smoked all his life from early on and never did quit. He had a family history where every male had strokes before their 40's and he had heart attacks starting in his 50's and kept that up for 12 years. Every year he'd have a heart attack. You can't imagine the frustration of living with someone that stubborn! Stupid stubborn! My Mom always felt it was her job to fix him, and she changed lots of her cooking habits, learned how to do the heart association diets and always felt like the one that failed when he had another heart attack. He had a internal pacemaker at the end, survived stuff no human should have to survive! And always said well he'd Thrather die living than die being "good". Problem is, he wasn't dying, he was living on worse and more unhealthy and having to go through worse and worse procedures. The romantic dying face down while hunting "happy" never happened. The one thing that always made me angry was he also did this to the rest of the family. It wasn't his decision alone, but he impacted all the entire retirement years of my Mom. She and he built a retirement dream, and got all the toys, then he spent all those years sick. Never changing. Never realizing that it was everyone elses life tied to his.

    One thing that I took from all this was pretty valuable. You really can't live someone else's life for them. They have to. And you can't stop yours while you wait for them to catch up. They might not. Then you carry on and lost half yourself. You have to seperate yourself enough to live for YOU too. Enjoy yourself. Live a life you want. Enjoy it now, not later when things are better, or someone else doesn't need you. Of course you have to help along your loved one, but you can't change them. And you can't let half of you die because of their choices.

    Find a middle ground, and remember no one will life your life for you, but you! Get out and live! Fix you! Not them! Hopefully they will fix themselves, too.
  • AdamATGATT
    AdamATGATT Posts: 573 Member
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    Diabetes. The reason I got my rear in gear. FBS score of 112 a year and a half ago, and 115 a little over a year ago. And those weren't taken at my heaviest weight of 230 lbs.

    I've since dropped close to 35 pounds now, but haven't gone back to do a follow up. I'm hoping to do that within the new few weeks to see how my numbers have changed.

    Hopefully your hubby will see the light soon before he does any more damage to himself.
  • alexbowser
    alexbowser Posts: 322
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    Fear of diabetes is part of why I'm getting healthy.
    I'm in a similar but not as severe situation with my dad, he has high blood pressure and is very overweight. Last year one of his friends had a heart attack and found out he was diabetic. My dad refuses to eat healthy and eats massive portions of food. He spends most of the weekend sitting in front of the TV. I've given up trying to get him healthy. It's just to stressful for me to take on by myself. My sister is no help, constantly insisting on fast food for dinner. Right now I'm just trying to focus on getting healthy myself.
  • hllamaster
    hllamaster Posts: 137 Member
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    Last may I had my second heart attack and died...thank god for AED's and someone that was there to us it...I then lost my job...marriage after 32 years and got fat and out of shape..it wasn't till I seen a pic of me playing with my granddaughter did it hit me hard...as of today I've lost 20 lbs and cardio everyday...the point is it has to come from inside oneself...I wish I could give you some great advice but all I can tell you is that he has to want to do it ...Tuesday I see the doctor to start my no smoking pills and I'm going to quit !! good luck girl prayers with you...if you want add me to your friend list
  • ejohndrow
    ejohndrow Posts: 1,399 Member
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    Oh wow, that's a lot of change for his body to go through after the service. Why does he not seem to care about his own health? Does he not care that it affects not only him, but the family as well? Hopefully he sees thinks in a different light before it's too late.
  • LovelySnugs
    LovelySnugs Posts: 389
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    i hope you don't mind, but i'm sharing this on my facebook page.

    i just hope my father reads it. he's not talking to me right now.
  • lulu1962
    lulu1962 Posts: 210
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    Have totally been where you are & it continues to this day! My husband had a heart attack when he was 41...angioplasty x2...stent x2...he's been in the hospital approximately 6 times in the 20 years we've been married...twice in the past year! Not only is he hurting the family, but the medical bills are insane! Can't get through to him & it would only make things more tense around here if I kept at him to change his behavior. Last year he was diagnosed with pre-diabetes just to add a little "fun" into the mix!:grumble:
  • catcrazy
    catcrazy Posts: 1,740 Member
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    Awww hugs 2bFNT. You know we're all here for you...now please take some time out for yourself, youve have a horrid few days! XxX
  • tammyquinnlmt
    tammyquinnlmt Posts: 680 Member
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    My mother in law did this as well. It killed her in the end. Her kidneys shut down and she wasn't even coherent when we said our goodbyes. I cared for her for 7 years. I am also prone to diabetes. It runs in the family. My mother is pre-diabetic. I don't know if I can change my future, but I know I can make myself healthier so that if I do one day have this terrible disease my body will be better able to cope. I'm sorry you are going through it..I know its hard. Hang in there...we are all supporting you.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    My wife was diagnosed with Type I diabetes at the age of 6. She went completely blind at 22 and had a kidney pancreas transplant at 24. She now is on a dozen medications every day because of her mistakes. The thing is, she still isn't taking care of herself! She's 5'5" and 225 lbs. She ordered papa johns tonight, which included an XL pizza and a cinna-pie. that meal alone was 1200 calories. I have given up on trying to get her to eat better, exercise, etc. She knows I'm losing weight and about once a week she declares she's going to do better, but nothing changes.

    I'm sorry to say, but you can only fix yourself. It's sad, but true.