Relationship advice, I guess?

peachyxoxoxo
peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
edited September 26 in Chit-Chat
I don't know where to post this but I want non-biased thoughts so I thought I'd ask here...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, but we've known each other since we were like 16 or 17. We both are 20 now. We *kinda* dated senior year of high school but it wasn't official until fall of our freshman years of college. Anyway, fast forward to now. We have been arguing on a pretty regular basis this entire school year and I'm wondering if we should try to get through this or I should end things. He is very insecure and he admits that, and he's worried about me being around other guys, always asking about guys I might be around in my dorm or at a party, and on several occasions he's even asked me if there's "someone else." I have never cheated. It's frustrating because I care about him a lot and would never do something like that to hurt him.

Also, our physical relationship is basically non-existant right now. I have kind of lost interest in doing anything sexual and I feel like he's aggressive with me sometimes when we do engage in the physical stuff, which is a turn-off. We haven't had sex in a while because I am not on the pill... also we have had a couple pregnancy scares and I don't want to risk anything. I'm not sure if I've lost in interest in sex with him or just with sex in general--because he was my first boyfriend, and maybe the newness and excitement has worn off.

So, here I am, trying to decide what to do. I still love him and care about him but i'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him anymore and I don't know why I'm not as physically attracted or interested in sex. Sometimes I do look at other guys but I don't really fantasize about being with other guys. This is my first relationship though so I don't know if it's a mistake to stay in it and try and figure out a way to make things work. He's such a good guy and I don't want to hurt him... we were talking tonight and he knows I'm not as into the physical stuff anymore and the over-protective thing is very frustrating. I know he's really upset about things right now, but we haven't said a whole lot about ending it... he kinda mentioned it but I'm scared to mention that option myself.

Sorry this is such a long post but I don't know what to do. Should I just tell him we should end it, or should we try to keep working at fixing things? :/

Replies

  • Marcellus_08
    Marcellus_08 Posts: 253
    Sounds like you already know what to do girl. Just have to get the courage to do it. Good guy or not.
  • lilac01
    lilac01 Posts: 180 Member
    Maybe u should spend some time away from ur boyfriend. I wouldn't make fast decisions!
  • starboardzor
    starboardzor Posts: 312
    I would end it. I was in a marriage for 4 years that lacked a healthy sexual relationship. It never got better and I never grew attracted to him. But I still tried to make it work. Now that i'm in a healthy relationship, I can't believe I spent so many years being unsatisfied and miserable. You sound miserable. Get out and learn what healthy relationships feel like!
  • Brittney24
    Brittney24 Posts: 105
    I'm kind of in the same boat as you are in terms of my boyfriend can be really clingy, and paranoid about me cheating when I've done nothing wrong, and also about the lost interest physically. We fight quite a bit due to the physically intimacy stuff because he wants to have sex and it upsets him that I don't want to.

    I would talk to him about it first, see if things can be changed. If he's too aggressive tell him to slow it down, because you don't like it. If he can't even listen to that, where would be the WANT to have sex, you know?

    Also, talk to him about the over-protectedness, because I think a good portion for why I don't feel physically interested is because I don't feel trusted, and I don't feel connected because I'm made out to be a criminal if I talk to other guys.

    It's about compromise, if you love him, give him time after you talk to him. If things don't change, then perhaps it's time to cut him lose.
  • dietcokeplease
    dietcokeplease Posts: 29 Member
    Oye! You're so young! Enjoy yourself. If I were in your shoes I would end it and treat it as a lesson. He's not the one for you, but you learned a lot about relationships and yourself in the process. You're holding each other back from meeting people that could be great for you and make you feel good.

    I'm in a sticky situation myself and my friends have pretty much boiled it down to this: at the end of the day you should be with someone who is a good partner to you, someone you can lean on.

    Good luck :)
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    Sounds like you already know what to do girl. Just have to get the courage to do it. Good guy or not.

    Exactly. Things aren't going to get better.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    First off, whether it's your first relationship or your tenth, it doesn't matter. I married my first boyfriend and we're very happy together, we have always had a great relationship. You don't always need to go through several relationships to find "the one".

    That said, it sounds like you both need to sit down and do some real communicating. Whether you talk it out or write emails to each other, it doesn't matter. What's important is that you both get your feelings out in a calm way. (My husband and I find that when either of us is very upset it helps to write an email. I know it sounds stupid. I think it's stupid. But honestly, we get to say what we need to say without yelling at each other, without crying, without either one of us feeling defensive or anything like that. We say what we need to say, the other person reads it and understands and the issue is settled.) Don't focus so much on what you should or shouldn't do at this point. Just talk to each other, figure out what each of your problems are and decide whether or not you both want to and are capable of changing enough to fix things.
  • ChunTingO
    ChunTingO Posts: 225 Member
    Your so young and its not fair that you are in such a confusing relationship. Its scary yes to start over but if you lost the want to be with him physically that is a big problem. You cant spend the rest of your life in a relationship that is not fulfilling anymore its not fair to the both of you. Also having someone who is insecure and constantly worried about what you are doing and not having trust in you is a red flag, because this controlling behavior will be damaging later. I been there too had a love that lasted through most of college and was not sure about what to do. Just follow that gut feeling your body and mind will always tell you what you need to do and from what you said you seem to already know what you need to do for you.

    Think about you and what you need because you control your life

    i wish the best for you
  • Samerah12
    Samerah12 Posts: 610 Member
    and paranoid about me cheating when I've done nothing wrong,

    I was in a relationship like that. Ended up HE was cheating the entire way through.

    My two cents: good guy or not, controlling is not ok.
  • rippedin12
    rippedin12 Posts: 30
    The more you force things, the worse it gets. Cut the cord now and let yourselves grow independent of each other.

    I did two things to get myself back on track, first I figured out who I was and what I want. Next, I figured out what I don't want. My philosophy is it's easier to know what we don't want because we've already been there. It is harder to find what we want, because we may not yet have experienced what we want.
  • ninyagwa
    ninyagwa Posts: 341 Member
    I agree with a lot of the above statements, but I'd like to point something else out. Your boyfriend seems to being showing signs that he may get more abusive in the future. He's rough to a point you aren't comfortable during intimacy, and is very jealous.

    I think the best thing to tell him is that you two are not looking for the same kind of relationship anymore, you both need and want different things from your partner.

    Again, I'm sure you have already made your decision. Good luck to you, I wish you the best!
  • carterdjohnson
    carterdjohnson Posts: 9
    Listen to your heart and have courage. If it was meant to be with him, anything you decide to do now, any changes you make, you can always try to undo. No matter what, life ALWAYS goes on, and if you learn from your mistakes, it can get better. Whatever you decide is the right decision.

    First and foremost, just be honest with yourself, and then have faith in yourself to do what is best.
  • HaleyAlli
    HaleyAlli Posts: 911 Member
    Girl, I just dealt with this same kind of thing, except flip-flopped. My boyfriend fell out of love with me. It hurt A LOT but I ended up breaking up with him because I knew I deserved better than staying with the wrong guy. It was THE best decision I have ever made relationship-wise. Trust me it will help him as much as it will help you to get out of an uncomfortable relationship. I know it hurts like hell to break off your first relationship, but you can do it. My thoughts are with you <3
  • Tzavush
    Tzavush Posts: 389 Member
    Please don't take this as gospel, but I would caution you to be aware of a few things.
    1. People who tend to become overly or unusually worried about a partner cheating may be projecting their own behaviours.
    2. People who become jealous and insecure when their partner is casually with others may have other issues that can affect your relationship in the long term.
    3. If you are not comfotable with your physical relationship and he is agressive and pushy, be cautious this may be indicative of future behaviours.

    You need to feel comfortable in your relationship. Sometimes we can outgrow each other and there is nothing wrong with that.
    Maybe take a break, if it is meant to be you two will find each other again.
  • anewattitude
    anewattitude Posts: 483 Member
    You are both young and have alot of life ahead of you. It sounds like your relationship has run its course and perhaps its time to take a break and have new experiences with new people. If you are meant to be together then it will happen when its right,. Like you said, he's your first boyfriend and he will always be special because he was your first. The fact you are not interested in him physically could be because maybe you have outgrown him, so to speak, and need to move on. I think you should have another talk and agree to take time apart from one another. Break-ups and broken hearts suck( whether its you who is heart broken or your boyfriend) but the truth of the matter is it inevitable. We all go through it and we all hurt. Don't settle for being in an unfulfilling relationship just because you want to spare your boyfriends feelings because you will end up hurting him and yourself more in the long run. If you are unhappy with him he deserves to know and if you are unhappy you deserve to move on.

    Stay strong..... it does get better :)
  • Rollyrover
    Rollyrover Posts: 68 Member
    To me if your not happy and he isn't either then being in this relationship isn't healthy. You sound young, and believe me theirs plenty more out there. My dad always said don't settle for the first and he/she may become the last as fear of trying again is too real.
    Your feeling are whats important as im sure his are too him, his insecurity is not your problem... remember you deserve better, he will get over it as will you
  • tduncan
    tduncan Posts: 2 Member
    Hate to say it, but you should end it. If you're having these issues and thoughts now, it's just not going to get any better or easier. A healthy sexually relationship is important and if you are not interested in him now then don't fool yourself in thinking you will later. Don't stay in a relationship just because he is a nice guy and you don't want to hurt his feelings. You deserve better! You deserve to be loved and love. Somewhere along the lines you have been told or come to believe this is all you deserve and that you might not find someone else as good or better. I'm sure you are scared to walk away but you need to find the courage somewhere in you to do so! Trust your heart and what it's telling you, and don't second guess yourself. You need to move on, and deep down I think you know this, you just don't have anyone to turn to and lean on for support for fear of judgement. I wish you the best in your decision. Take care!
  • auntiebabs
    auntiebabs Posts: 1,754 Member
    If he's so insecure and jealous, it comes down to trust.
    You can't build anything without trust.

    Let him know that you find his lack of trust insulting.
    And see if he doesn't change his behavior.
    He's got to be kind to you to keep you.

    (I know my problem has always been verbalizing my feelings, so that I can ask for what I want, by the time I have clarity I'm usually well past my breaking point,)

    But really if you spell it out, maybe he'll get with the program, but never any guarantees. Good Luck
  • cmowat13
    cmowat13 Posts: 98 Member
    bump
  • peachyxoxoxo
    peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
    Thanks everyone for the responses, I didn't expect so many people to reply :) It makes sense, that I shouldn't just stick with him just so I don't hurt him, because ultimately I think I'd be hurting myself.... you all are right in saying that I think I know what I want to do, but it's just a matter of figuring out how to say it. I'm sure that he and I will be talking tomorrow... our conversation tonight was the probably the most candid I think I've been with him about how I feel about everything.
  • peachyxoxoxo
    peachyxoxoxo Posts: 1,178 Member
    We just talked about he asked me to break up with him because he still loves me and he said he couldn't do it. I told him I was sorry. It's hurts really bad because I know I'm hurting him and he's such a good guy but things just weren't the same as they used to be. So I guess this is what breaking up feels like :( He was really upset when he left so all I can saw is that I hope he's okay and not doing anything to hurt himself.
  • brewingaz
    brewingaz Posts: 1,136 Member
    It's going to be tough right away. It sounds like this is going to be for the best!
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    You lost me at " still love him and care about him but i'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him anymore "

    Love? In Love? Never did get the difference. Words.
  • misjesica
    misjesica Posts: 21
    I was with a guy for three years and then we both went to the same university. My entire freshman year I was constantly sad and confused because it felt like we were both changing, he was having anxiety about me being around guys as well, and I was feeling like we were both too dependent on each other. We eventually agreed to break it off because there was so much more sadness in the relationship than happiness. Fast forward to a year later and I am sooooooooooo much happier in college! I've experienced so much more in life without a guy holding me back.

    It's going to hurt, but you can do it!!!! If you gave it your all, then there's nothing wrong with walking away.
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