Would you carry on a relationship if you knew you didn't lov

SGartz
SGartz Posts: 57
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
I wasn't sure where to post this, as the chat section is blocked by IT where I work! Anyway,

A friend of mine is in a relationship (unmarried) and they have a 4 year old son, they basically put up with each other and although they don't have massive rows, they don't sleep with each other or do things together. They pretty much stay together for the sake of their son. I wondered what MFP thought of these circumstances and if it were you would you be able to stay with someone you didn't love? I'm not sure I could!

Replies

  • FJMilner
    FJMilner Posts: 407
    I couldn't stay with someone I didn't love. Its not fair on either person. Even when kids are involved I think happy parents make happy kids (whether they're together or not) so staying together for the sake of the kids doesn't really work (in my opinion anyway).
  • inlikeflynn
    inlikeflynn Posts: 14 Member
    Well, it wouldn't be for me, but each to their own. Is your friend very unhappy with the situation? If it makes them miserable then surely they should leave, but that's their decision alone.
  • I know I couldn't either. I have had a few friends in this situation and they kind of fake it for their kids. I don't believe this is healthy for the kids, they will grow up thinking that is a normal relationship. I think in cases like these its better to have mom and dad separate and happy then together and miserable. It can only do more harm then good for the kid by staying together.
  • Kirsty_UK
    Kirsty_UK Posts: 964 Member
    Could I do it? not sure

    Do I admire people that make those sorts of sacrifices for their children? yes, definitely

    As long as they're honest in the relationship then noone is lying to anyone. I do wonder what it's teaching the child though - it's certainly not showing the child what a loving relationship is like.
  • I most certainly could not. Life is too short to be unhappy. Plain and simple.
  • heck no! They're teaching the child to be miserable in relationships. If a child grows up seeing that it's okay to hit your significant other or that you should stay with someone you aren't entirely happy with, then that's what they will view as "the norm". Mom & Dad need to find someone each truly loves and show that it's okay if it doesn't work out with you and someone as long as you're happy.
  • sarahliftsUP
    sarahliftsUP Posts: 752 Member
    No, I didn't couldn't. Life is too short to go on unhappy. And that's not teaching their child what a healthy relationship is. I wouldn't be able to carry on like that, but I don't know them or their full situation.
  • Hype
    Hype Posts: 349
    It may be hard on the son, but i would leave. You would just have to convice the boy everything would be ok and he still gets to see his daddy and mummy all he wants. Try to make it as easy as possible like.

    The only problem with staying is it would get worse and be harder later in life, the son could get a complex by them sticking together just for him.
  • squeaktones
    squeaktones Posts: 195 Member
    no i couldn't. the child is not a reason to stay together. i grew up with parents who stayed together for the sake of us 7 kids. it was not a very good enviroment to grow up in. i think it's important for a child to have the benefit of both parents but they don't have to live together to do it.
  • Personally i wouldn't.

    I was in a long relationship and it was hard to break up but we were like that...friends and nothing more. Fair enough we didn't have a child.

    As long as they are both active in their child's life, it would probably be more beneficial to be apart. Sometimes children feel the tension. Lots of parents are not together so it wouldn't be unusual.

    Besides which, why live a life that makes you unhappy?

    P.S. Cute profile pic, lol
  • _CowgirlUp_
    _CowgirlUp_ Posts: 585 Member
    I've been married to an amazing man for 25 years. I can even fathom what life would be like living with someone I wasn't crazy about. The kid is only 4 and kids pick up on this kind of stuff. They'd be doing the kid a favor finding someone they love and can enjoy life with and as a family. Life is WAY too short to live it like that. What's going to happen when your friend meets the girl of his dreams someday down the road when the kid is older and understands more?
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    Thanks for this post as I too have been doing this for the last 3 years...This is not an Easy situation . I feel for your friend.
  • kwhite32
    kwhite32 Posts: 4
    I most certainly could not. Life is too short to be unhappy. Plain and simple.

    Most deffinantly agree, anything can happen at anytime. So you should cherish the moment you have with people and learn to let go and move forward. There are always new adventures out there, and always new people to meet. I think your friend should stay in conact with the childs father and let him see the child, but move on. Its not healthy for them or the child. Having a positive infulence and relationship is healthy.
  • SGartz
    SGartz Posts: 57
    Thanks for this post as I too have been doing this for the last 3 years...This is not an Easy situation . I feel for your friend.

    The thing is, it's quite one sided that his girlfriend wants to stay together and make it work whereas my friend I think has had enough already. He thinks if they split up then it looks like he's the bad guy, breaking up the family etc.

    I really feel for him but I can see both sides.
  • Cindib13
    Cindib13 Posts: 234 Member
    Kids are not dumb. They notice things like that. My husband and I tried that for a while but it made us act like different people. We were much better parents seperately. If your friend is unhappy the child can sense that. It also is giving the child a skewed impression of what a relationship is suppose to be like.
  • aegira
    aegira Posts: 201 Member
    I couldn't do it, a friend of mine did it for his kids, they even had different areas of the house marked out of bounds. He totally regrets having done this to his children and also to himself. It took a lot of years to get over the whole thing.
    In an odd way I was sort of lucky my ex was abusive, so the kids and I left.
    I really hope the son comes out of this whole experience okay, I am a little afraid how this may be hurting him.
  • LilBrat71
    LilBrat71 Posts: 59 Member
    This post hit me hard as I recently ended a 15 year relationship of convenience. While my children were not biologically his, he was the only father they knew. He came into our lives when they were only 2 weeks old and 2 years old. I spent many years contemplating separation as I knew I wasn't in love with him but I didn't want to hurt my children by leaving their "father". I finally realized that I was only hurting my children by subjecting them to a loveless relationship. Children will seek out relationships they are subjected to. Had I stayed, they would have thought a normal relationship would consist of never laughing with your partner, never spending time together, never making love, living as strangers under one roof. I thought to myself... "Do I want my girls to settle or do I want them to live happily ever after?" 5 hours later, we had the "separation talk" and he moved out 1 week later.

    I am now happily married to my first boyfriend, first kiss, first true love. We hold hands, we kiss, we spend every single free moment together as a family and I am convinced that I have finally found what real love is supposed to feel like. My children? They couldn't be happier. They are now both in very healthy relationships themselves and as I watch their affectionate behavior toward their boyfriends, it makes me feel as though my decision was the right one, the necessary one.

    Best of luck to your friend. I hope it all works out for them.
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    This post hit me hard as I recently ended a 15 year relationship of convenience. While my children were not biologically his, he was the only father they knew. He came into our lives when they were only 2 weeks old and 2 years old. I spent many years contemplating separation as I knew I wasn't in love with him but I didn't want to hurt my children by leaving their "father". I finally realized that I was only hurting my children by subjecting them to a loveless relationship. Children will seek out relationships they are subjected to. Had I stayed, they would have thought a normal relationship would consist of never laughing with your partner, never spending time together, never making love, living as strangers under one roof. I thought to myself... "Do I want my girls to settle or do I want them to live happily ever after?" 5 hours later, we had the "separation talk" and he moved out 1 week later.

    I am now happily married to my first boyfriend, first kiss, first true love. We hold hands, we kiss, we spend every single free moment together as a family and I am convinced that I have finally found what real love is supposed to feel like. My children? They couldn't be happier. They are now both in very healthy relationships themselves and as I watch their affectionate behavior toward their boyfriends, it makes me feel as though my decision was the right one, the necessary one.

    Best of luck to your friend. I hope it all works out for them.

    Awesome !!!!!!!!!!
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    Thanks for this post as I too have been doing this for the last 3 years...This is not an Easy situation . I feel for your friend.

    The thing is, it's quite one sided that his girlfriend wants to stay together and make it work whereas my friend I think has had enough already. He thinks if they split up then it looks like he's the bad guy, breaking up the family etc.

    I really feel for him but I can see both sides.

    It just sucks, we care about one another but there is just something lost so now we are like roomates, we share a bed, we still go out on dates but siomething has been lost along the way. I dont thibnk either of us want to hurt the other including my son. I know kids adapt but its just not as easy as everyone thinks it is.
  • littttlelaurra
    littttlelaurra Posts: 229 Member
    I was in love with someone just out of highschool, we were going to be together for ever but the Navy took him away and the Army took me away and we never found eachother again. Later, I married someone else. I was friends with this person and cared deeply for him but not in love, I now know being so young at the time this was a rebound reaction as I had really wanted to be married to my sailor. I knew from day one I wasnt happy even on my wedding day and night and I had called crying wanting to come home but my family said no stick it out love grows. I stayed in an unhappy loveless marriage for 24 yrs, only because when I tried to leave I found out I was pregnant and well we both stayed for our daughters sake. In hindsite I should of ran out of that church on my wedding day and withstood the condemnation of everyone there rather then endure living through the last 24 yrs of hell. I know now the man that I had once loved is happily married and wouldnt ever be mine unless fate has different plans for us and decided to be kind and let us be together again as I know he still deeply cares for me. But if your friend is doing this too , to be a good father, then he is doing this girl a disservice, set her free to find her soulmate, if he obviously believes she is not the one for him, then she must have a true love out there as well. Kids will grow and be fine, both of them seem like good parents who love their son and so that wont end just because they are not the so called perfect idea of what family is supose to be.
  • fantomette
    fantomette Posts: 148 Member
    I've worked with kids for quite a longtime.
    Thinking kids DON'T know about those things is not knowing how intelligents kids are.
    I've heard more than one time kids who said "My parents are still together, but I don't think they are in love...It's sad"
    Kids know. And kids who love their parents are not selfish and want their parents to be happy.
    Happy parents make happy kids. And if the parents still get along but are not in love with eachother anymore, then GREAT it's still time to separate and have a HEALTHY, AMICABLE separation.
    I think when you leave before things get bad it's better: I've seen parents done it. They separated but we're still friends and attended school meetings together. Kids were happy.
    Love is something you "feel" and you don't have to talk about it. So if that 4 years old doesn't know it yet, he'll sure feel soon enough his parents don't love each other but stay together because of him. It's gonna be sad...
This discussion has been closed.