A womans day at the gym!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me
to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with stylish hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belind a's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth ov er it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny heffer
to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that cow Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little twit) will choose a gift for me that is fun - -
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds