tired of being a ping pong ball

So, I am writing this to have something to look back to every once in a while during my weight loss journey.

My life has been quite chaotic to say the least. Two things I have always missed: having a place feel like "home", and feeling like my life and my body was my own.

Sorry if this is getting too long to read. I understand if most people won't read it all, but like I said, it's meant for me to look back to rather than to make sure everyone reads it. I wouldn't mind people to talk to and to motivate one another though

Born summer of 1988 as THE middle child, middle not being second of three, middle being fourth of seven. So I have 6 brothers and sisters. Born to an agressive, abusive, alcoholic for a father and a narcissistic mother. We moved around a lot as children, never staying in the same neigborhood for too long, meaning as well never going to the same school or the same hospitals for too long. At age 14 I got pregnant... by my dad... The moment I had a septic abort and got admitted to the hospital, not even knowing I was pregnant, was the moment, when childrens protecitve services got involved. And removed all of us.

My siblings and me got split up and sent to different foster homes. First I got admitted to a psychiatric hospital though. After telling the doctors what they wanted to hear, I could leave.
After that I basically stopped eating all together, or eating and throwing up. At age 15 I got admitted to the psychiatric hospital again, with a weight of about 85Ib and a height of 5.4 (hope i used the correct converter, it should be 38kg and 1.66m). I Hated my body for what it had done (getting pregnant, getting us all into trouble, splitting up my siblings and I and so on. Basically I hated my body for becoming a womans body.

I was released after 6 months with a healthy weight. After that I was on heavy medication for sleep disorders and depression, anxiety and so on. Those meds made me fat (yeah... i guess most of you will say meds dont make you fat, eating habits do. And while that is true, the meds did increase appetite and the bodys water content.).

The place where I felt safest was at school (must sound stupid, but its the truth, i had a wonderful physics teacher).
slowly the meds were decreased, until eventually I didnt take anything anymore. The additional weight stayed though, I was at 70kg by then. I didnt care anymore, I hid in bulky clothes, not because of the weight (70kg isnt that terrible after all), but because I didnt want anyone noticing me, ESPECIALLY not as a woman! So I stayed hidden.

At age 16 I got a scholarship offer to go to New Zealand for a year to improve my English. It was not easy to get permission, since I was in a foster home, so there were a few legal quirks to work out, but eventually I got on a plane a good month before my 17th birthday.
That year was the most amazing year in my life!

When I came back home, yet again 5kg heavier than before, I got my own small apartment.
And then things spiraled out of control again. I skipped school, went on hour long trainrides just to feel like I was moving, got drunk alone in my room, didnt eat anything but junk food at night for days.
At some point got admitted to the psychiatric hospital again. In and out, in and out, .......
I got my "Abitur" (general qualification for university entrance) though. Wrote half of the final examinations while still in hospital (like I said, great physics teacher).
This teacher always "knew" I was going to study physics, so I did withough ever questioning it, or asking myself, what I wanted, or reading through information material i enroled in a university 500km away from where I lived at that point and close to my boyfriend whom I met online.

I liked it at first, but it wasnt quite what i wanted. Was unable to go to university for 2 years then, spent those years in and out of the psychiatric hospital again. Another one this time.

Then the point came, when I realized I had to get a grip on life! It was really more of a moment then anything else. I was walking outside with my boyfriend (who by the way stayed with me through all the crazyness) and suddenly turned towards him and told him "I want to go back to university and finally get my bachelors degree and I dont want to get it in physics."
He was quite surprised.
So we went back home and I read every single information sheet on all the degrees they had at my university. Ended up switching to molecular biology, where I earned my Bachelors degree with a really good grade.
After that I enrolled in the masters degree in biophysics (so my high school teacher wasnt all that wrong after all ). Me and my boyfriend broke up, but somehow the point when I had my own place again, was also the moment when we got closer again.

So against all odds I got pregnant in summer 2013. Almost immediately we were certain to have the baby, but not yet what that meant for us. My most wonderful and beautiful (I know, every mum sais that^^) baby boy was born in march 2014. The first few months I was on my own with him. But now his dad has come around and gets more and more comfortable with him. We will move back in together soon.
My masters degree I couldnt start yet, since I wasnt allowed in the lab being pregnant, then stayed home with my boy for five months, and now started in my masters degree last monday. I will however move to another town soon, and finish my degree there.

My father has been released from prison since and now I want more then ever to LIVE my life. Do something for me, get healthy, get pretty, be a woman, stop wearing bulky cloths, play soccer with my boy when he gets older. I refuse to have my life controlled by circumstance or other people anymore.

I felt like a ping pong ball for far too long (moving around as a child, always being "the weird new kid" in school, bouncing around foster homes, getting split up from my siblings, in and out of hospital, studying what people told me to, generally doing what people told me to, up and down the scales, underweight, overweight, rarely normal weight, bouncing around from anonymous bed to anonymous bed just to make myself stop feeling, being scared to meet one of the men on the streets again, hiding away around the people I care about but letting strangers in FAAAAR to much, distrusting "my" people and not caring if strangers hurt me, pushing away my boyfriend time and again, who, by the way, is probably the most patient and wonderful man there is, what he had to endure with me...)

A few weeks ago I weighed in at about a bit more than 84kg, today i weighed 82.1kg, so the scales are already moving. My goal would be 58-60kg, and to reach it a HEALTHY way.
Feeling comfortable in my body for the first time, not wanting to hide and at the same time get approval from strangers.
Knowing that just changing my weight wont change EVERYTHING is the most important thing I know now, and its also the thing that makes me think, no, that makes me know, that I can do it this time without hurting me or others

I refuse to let my past rule my present and especially my future anymore, although I acknowledge, that my past probably played a big roll in putting me where I am now. But no more!

Thanks to anyone who read my ramblings all the way. And sorry for writing so much.