Suicide by fat
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jade2112
Posts: 272 Member
I'm no longer obese and haven't been for the past five years. However, I spent about 20 years that way, getting bigger all the time.
During those years every now and then the thought that I was trying to give myself a heart attack would surface. I'd tell myself how silly that was, yet knew it was true.
Know what? After losing weight and being at a normal bmi for almost two years I went into cardiac arrest at work. I basically was standing talking one second and fell over dead the next from a clogged artery.
The doc told me that only about 1% of the people that happens to survive and survive without significant brain damage. I've no idea why I got lucky.
Starting about two months ago I began eating like I did when I was so big. I've gained 15 pounds. I don't recall the last time I ate, fruit, vegies, lean meat, whole grains, etc. It's been an all day gorging of processed, fast, and sugary foods. I feel like sh%$ every day. Same as before.
I don't know what is going on here. Nothing in life has changed. In fact, I've gotten a new job I love, my financial situation has improved, hubby and I are fine. I just don't get it.
Perhaps it's just bad habits coming back and me not fighting them. It's bad here. I can't be eating so much garbage. I have a heart condition and need to be on top of it.
There really is no point here, I guess, just wanted to express it to others with food problems who may understand.
I gotta get a handle on this. Today.
During those years every now and then the thought that I was trying to give myself a heart attack would surface. I'd tell myself how silly that was, yet knew it was true.
Know what? After losing weight and being at a normal bmi for almost two years I went into cardiac arrest at work. I basically was standing talking one second and fell over dead the next from a clogged artery.
The doc told me that only about 1% of the people that happens to survive and survive without significant brain damage. I've no idea why I got lucky.
Starting about two months ago I began eating like I did when I was so big. I've gained 15 pounds. I don't recall the last time I ate, fruit, vegies, lean meat, whole grains, etc. It's been an all day gorging of processed, fast, and sugary foods. I feel like sh%$ every day. Same as before.
I don't know what is going on here. Nothing in life has changed. In fact, I've gotten a new job I love, my financial situation has improved, hubby and I are fine. I just don't get it.
Perhaps it's just bad habits coming back and me not fighting them. It's bad here. I can't be eating so much garbage. I have a heart condition and need to be on top of it.
There really is no point here, I guess, just wanted to express it to others with food problems who may understand.
I gotta get a handle on this. Today.
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Replies
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Self-sabotage, maybe? Maybe the frustration that once you DID make the necessary changes was when you experienced negative health issues? IDK, but I'd say, regroup, chalk this up to experience and have faith that when you get back on the wagon and get healthy that you won't have the same thing happen to you again. Don't be discouraged!0
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Thank you. Regrouping is a good idea.0
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maybe just go easier on yourself.
you went through a traumatic experience and maybe you are looking for comfort?
you were/are probably scared.
do you have any family or friends that you can lean on.
i think with a little self care and taking it easy, cutting yourself some slack and not beating yourself up about what you've eaten already should allow you regain yourself and like someone else said regroup.
hang in there and happy to hear you are alive!0 -
You're right. There has to be something way inside bothering me. Now I have to figure it out.0
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Could it be fear that if u get healthy again you will have another heart attack?0
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I'm wondering about the same thing. I remember breaking my ankle after losing 40 pounds made me think twice about exercising again. (whoa total eye opener on that one) My good foot started to really hurt more after gaining it all back. My foot has healed and I'm now determined to lose that weight.0
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I'm a big believer that despite what we say on the outside, there is something else emotionally that directly affects this on the inside, and we tend to lie to ourselves first and foremost. Then take solace in food per say, and question what went wrong. I, like you, go through these cycles. Two years ago, I dropped 90 pounds from 341. About 6 months ago, I wound up pretty much right back to the beginning (today 322) and now can't figure out for the life of me on getting back on the right track, even though I resurrected my original game plan.
Like you, lots of positive things have occurred. I am doing great financially, I bought the company that I worked at for so many years, I have a marriage that some would be envious of, have taken my family on some wonderful vacations this year, building a cottage property, all in all, it's been great.
Or has it? I suspect many people looking at my life would suggest peaches and cream, but I hide and bury a crap load of problems and stress. So much, that often, like today, I just close my office door to prevent people who want to complain about their own personal and work lives from coming in. A subliminal "get lost" message. I hate being that way, but sometimes I feel it's just better for everyone if I did. I swear the next person who walks in and says their "dog is competing at a dog show this weekend, and the regular groomer is away sick and I just don't know what to do so I need tomorrow off to get it figured out", I am going to freaking lose it. Footnote: that actually happened.
Add to a crazy home and work life, that I need to cut off that weight again, and some days I feel like a powder keg with someone running with a lit match through. How the H-E double hockey sticks am I supposed to count freaking calories amongst all of this?
I, like you, say everything is great. And in reality it is, but that doesn't mean we are not buried in stress, and with that, often depression.
And when those moods hit, the old IDGAF mentality tends to kick in. Beer and wings with the friends who aren't 100 pounds overweight, but as good friends do, relieve the stress with you. And then chase the tail making up for it the next day. Multiply those days by 20 over six months, and boom, no wonder I am where I am.
At least that's just me. How to break that cycle? That for someone more knowledgeable than I because I haven't been able to figure it out apparently.
I guess the first thing to do is acknowledge it. At least for me.
Sorry about rambling on about my personal life, I don't mean to be a "me, me, me" person, the same as I just complained about, I just recognized the cycle.
@canuck00
i love love love this. thanks so much for sharing!
im all about the dig deeper approach. and I'm very clear how intertwined my weight is with my emotions. it took me a VERY long time to be clear about this and Im still working on it. since REALLY understanding how closely related they were Ive since dropped 50lbs the most I've lost ever. I still probably have another 50 to go but also for the first time i really believe i can do it. and i owe it all to unlocking this key. understanding what the weight is all about in the first place.
there are a million reasons I'm over weight some obvious and some not so obvious.
have you read Geneen Roth's Breaking free from emotional/complusive eating? its short but 100% worth the read she writes so well on the subject. i just love her. she hits the nail on the head every.single.time.
see change is not a one time event its a process with its ebbs and flows. you sounds insightful so i imagine you understand this already.
hang in there
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The doc told me that only about 1% of the people that happens to survive and survive without significant brain damage. I've no idea why I got lucky.
Good for you losing weight! I'm going to make a radical suggestion for you though, go see a counselor. Your traumatic event of the cardiac arrest warrants it. I think the sooner you see a counselor about it the less likely the trauma will cling to you.I'm a big believer that despite what we say on the outside, there is something else emotionally that directly affects this on the inside, and we tend to lie to ourselves first and foremost. Then take solace in food per say, and question what went wrong. I, like you, go through these cycles. Two years ago, I dropped 90 pounds from 341. About 6 months ago, I wound up pretty much right back to the beginning (today 322) and now can't figure out for the life of me on getting back on the right track, even though I resurrected my original game plan.
Canuck, I would recommend you see a counselor about this too. Everything you say is spot on.
You guys are doing fantastic and you can totally get back on track!0 -
I totally agree with you. Its crazy. I'm not the only one that realized that death by diet is perfectly acceptable here in the US. I'm with ya on wondering how to break the cycle. For me, I just keep restarting. I fall off the wagon, I restart, and repeat. Over and over. And maybe that realization is what is keeping me restarting.
You can also call me vain to some extent. I keep fighting this because I really enjoy being small enough to wear the pretty clothes! Granted, a size 14-16 isn't really petite, but I can wear a business suit now and not a knit dress! Now if I can just keep my toes and ankles in good shape so I can wear those really cool heels...
Glad you survived that ordeal. I'd have been shaken quite badly myself.
But I'm determined. Not stopping!0 -
Something significant did happen. You had a cardiac arrest. That is very stressful in itself. If you are the type to eat on junk food when you are stressed, then that probably triggered you to go back into your old ways. If that is the case, what you need to do is find different ways of dealing with stress. Replace the old habit with good habits. Have you ever heard of mindfulness? It is being aware of when something is triggering a stress reaction, before reacting to the stress diverting the feelings to something nicer. I recommend reading up on that. Also, yoga is a good stress reliever for me and talking with friends/family members about my worries. Talk to someone close to you about how the near death experience made you feel when you are about to eat something bad to distract yourself.0
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You're right. There has to be something way inside bothering me. Now I have to figure it out.
I really recommend counseling because counselors are experts when it comes to behavior/mind issues. The trick is to make sure the counselor your seeing is licensed and certified and that their personality/technique goes along well with your personality. Honestly, I went to counseling for about a year and it helped me so much with boosting my confidence and figuring out what was bothering me. I had a lot of stress related issues and even though I understood most of what was stressing me, there were other underlying stress I wasn't aware of.0 -
You, and ONLY you, author your health and wellness.
Our bodies are the one area of life where most people can affect the most control. Decide if life is worth it both in terms of quantity and quality of years to come, then act accordingly.
Most people endure an existence of zero empowerment or self-determination. They just blow with whatever direction the winds of life take. Don't be that person...0 -
I went down the "death by knife and fork" trail some years ago. One day I realized that I wasn't the problem. It was a lot of the people in the world in which we live! I was feeling the pain of an imperfect world which was sitting on its hands and allowing things which should not be allowed.
Rather than let the imperfect ruin my life, I resolved to deny them the satisfaction of making me another of their victims. I still feel the pain of the world but am fighting back where I can. Since I started resisting, I feel an awful lot better and can take on challenges that previously were beyond me such as losing weight.
"Nil bastardes carborunda!" Never let the *kitten* grind you down!0
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