If the weight I needed to lose was an animal, it would be a panda.

I've been on this site off and on for the past year and half maybe. I'm feeling determined to make changes. I've been lurking on the forums for a few days now and was adamant I wasn't going to post anything, but I'm feeling rather lost at the moment.

I'm 28 years old, I'm 5'6, and I weigh 480lbs as of this morning. I've always been bigger, this mass amount of weight certainly did not appear overnight. It's been a gradual process, with a pretty significant spike in weight gain in the past two years. I've really hated myself for a long time. But things are changing.

I quit smoking, after 10 years, 48 days ago. And I was by no means a light smoker. At my worst, I was smoking two, a few times up to three, packs a day. I've been a notorious binge eater since a child which has become more manageable.

I exercised for the first time in years this morning. Only made it about five minutes of walking with Walk at Home with Leslie Sansone (specifically the warm up section was all I got through). I'm still proud of myself for doing it, but it really overwhelmed me. I know I probably don't really need to do too much exercise right now, and to focus mostly on counting calories. I just wanted to move. I wasn't aiming to over do it, or go for an hour or anything clearly beyond my ability. Nevertheless, as soon as I stopped I felt close to tears, and still do. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly why. My family has been supportive. The thing is, I don't have many friends. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I am agoraphobic, although it is somewhat manageable now. I am able to leave the house, when before I could not. Anyway, I don't keep friends, because I never reach out to people and I decline offers to hang out due to anxiety and comfort and shame of my weight.

I want to change this. Through my lurking I've seen some individuals talking about losing 100, 200 pounds, but I haven't seen much for over 300. I know it's ultimately just a number, but I do feel there is a difference between losing 5-10 pounds and 300 pounds. I just would like, if anyone is out there, to not feel so alone right now. I don't want my hand held and I don't want to be insulted. I would like to just be treated as a person. Equal to you and to everyone else. I hope that's not too much to ask.

I apologize as I feel like this is kind of all over the place. Point: I don't want this panda anymore, looking for others who don't want their own pandas. Let's be friends. Group hug.