Getting judged after the loss
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arditarose wrote: »Asking you if you're okay is not the same as judging.
I agree.
There are many reasons why a person is losing weight and they are not all necessarily positive or done with intent. A person could be ill, suffering from depression, having financial problems (and thus can't afford much food), in an abusive relationship, etc.
So if the tone of the inquiry is genuine concern, try and receive it that way. They may have experienced weight loss for a negative reason and thus are looking at it from that perspective.0 -
The ebola thing is really hilarious!
I've always been bigger than my friends, and am sad to say, I have mindlessly said some of these things. Open mouth, insert foot. I never intended for these things to be hurtful. There are some people I really need to take out for coffee and apologize face to face.
I want everyone to know that it has more to do with the larger people feeling self conscious about their own weight or shortcomings, rather than you. This doesn't make it right.
Congrats on your amazing weight loss, and I wish you continued success!!!0 -
It's all the same people-- they comment when you gain weight, they comment when you lose weight. It not that they don't want to see you healthy -- it's that they don't want you to change at all. Because they mostly likely see the world in relation to them. It is uncomfortable for them to have to change their image of you, because all they can think about is how it reflects on them. If you are no longer their 'chubby friend' -- well that means they are no longer the 'skinny friend.' If you are no longer the un-athletic cousin, then that means they are no longer the best athlete in the family. And even worse, if you are no longer their 'heavy nephew' -- that means their kids are now the out-of shapers, and thus they are BAD PARENTS.0
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Isabelle_1929 wrote: »Don't hesitate to tell people that it's rude to make negative comments on the way you look.
This x 1000. I try and follow up by turning things back on people and ask them why they feel the need to try and put me down or criticize me.
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This is just my opinion based on limited personal experience and that of a very small number of clients who have experienced the same thing.
My belief is that people form an image of you in their head and they get used to this image. Then you go and drop some weight (or 122 lbs in your case, which is spectacular) and you look significantly different than the image they have of you in their head.
Additionally, I believe that most of the time, people actually mean it as a compliment when they say that you're too thin. That probably sounds crazy, but with the negative stigma that fat has, and how hard it is to lose fat, I think your friends/family probably don't mean to be hurtful when they say "you've lost too much weight!".
Of course I could be wrong on all of the above. This is just my current belief.
I DO think you are not alone in this sort of social exchange. I recall thinking this about a friend of mine who had lost about 80lbs (this was 20 years ago, prior to me knowing or caring at all about fitness). I also have had clients deal with this exact same issue.
I definitely think this is true. People have an image of you in their head. People close to you, and not so close...they picture you a certain way. I think this is why some struggle to "accept" the new you. I also think this is why some people don't even really notice when their acquaintances, friends, family members, etc, put on a considerable amount of weight. For most of my adult life I was in the low to mid 200s and then got up to 300 lb and when I started losing that weight no one really noticed. When I told friends how much I used to weigh and how much I'd lost they were confused. Now I'm smaller than I was as a teen and it disturbs some of my family even though I'm just barely into the healthy weight category (5'8" and 170s). They still see me as a plus sized woman even though I wear 10/12. I am ok with that...I've ALWAYS been the big girl, and they will probably continue to see me that way and the few who see the thinner version are a little disturbed by it, until they get used to it.0 -
arditarose wrote: »Asking you if you're okay is not the same as judging.
I agree.
There are many reasons why a person is losing weight and they are not all necessarily positive or done with intent. A person could be ill, suffering from depression, having financial problems (and thus can't afford much food), in an abusive relationship, etc.
So if the tone of the inquiry is genuine concern, try and receive it that way. They may have experienced weight loss for a negative reason and thus are looking at it from that perspective.arditarose wrote: »Asking you if you're okay is not the same as judging.
I agree.
There are many reasons why a person is losing weight and they are not all necessarily positive or done with intent. A person could be ill, suffering from depression, having financial problems (and thus can't afford much food), in an abusive relationship, etc.
So if the tone of the inquiry is genuine concern, try and receive it that way. They may have experienced weight loss for a negative reason and thus are looking at it from that perspective.arditarose wrote: »Asking you if you're okay is not the same as judging.
I agree.
There are many reasons why a person is losing weight and they are not all necessarily positive or done with intent. A person could be ill, suffering from depression, having financial problems (and thus can't afford much food), in an abusive relationship, etc.
So if the tone of the inquiry is genuine concern, try and receive it that way. They may have experienced weight loss for a negative reason and thus are looking at it from that perspective.
I understand this, but I would prefer that the first assumption to someone's weight loss not be a horrible decease. If that person wishes to elaborate on the real cause of their weight loss, that's their choice, but it's not your right to know.0 -
it happens. you'll get used to it and so will they. this wont even be an issue in a couple months. Take it as a compliment and that's it.
If they press you and insist you need to do something about your health, turn around and say the same thing back to them.0 -
Get a tshirt printed with the current medically preferred weight/height ranges on the back.. when you get comments... just turn your back on them
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^ like0
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arditarose wrote: »Asking you if you're okay is not the same as judging.
I agree.
There are many reasons why a person is losing weight and they are not all necessarily positive or done with intent. A person could be ill, suffering from depression, having financial problems (and thus can't afford much food), in an abusive relationship, etc.
So if the tone of the inquiry is genuine concern, try and receive it that way. They may have experienced weight loss for a negative reason and thus are looking at it from that perspective.
I understand this, but I would prefer that the first assumption to someone's weight loss not be a horrible decease. If that person wishes to elaborate on the real cause of their weight loss, that's their choice, but it's not your right to know.
True. I don't think I implied that all - at least that was not my intent.
I was answering from the receiver's perspective to an "are you okay" question asked to them - the quote I highlighted. The person who asked the question may be genuinely concerned and was not trying to pass any negative judgement on them - OP's title of the thread.0 -
I've only had one person say 'you can stop losing now...please'. And she was kidding around. I still have people saying I look good and nobody says otherwise. I still have 15 pounds to go now so I guess it could still happen but when and if it does, I plan to stay my course and not become discouraged because I am not doing this for anyone but me.0
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I have heard a bunch of stuff, ranging from "too skinny" to "unhealthy". Weird... nobody felt so inclined to tell me how "unhealthy" I looked when I was categorically obese... but for some reason, now they feel it's ok to do so, when I am quite possibly healthier than I have been for most of my life.
There is a torso before/after in my profile photos if anyone is interested in seeing what is apparently a walking skeleton with a 22.5 bmi.0 -
I've heard a lot of "you haven't gone anorexic on us, have you?" jokes. my coworkers stand by, at the ready, to offer me the name of a good doctor to help, when I'm ready to admit that I have a problem. ...but, oddly enough, if I split a donut with someone, I'm suddenly "finally off that diet, huh?"
there is no winning. but it's alright, now. I've learned my lesson well. See, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.
that is my favorite. I love it when someone calls it a diet. Nope, diets fail; I made a lifestyle change and this is me for the rest of my life. I still get to have donuts and chocolate and whatever I want.0 -
Slightly off topic but when I lost over 100 lbs I had a ton of people ask my what pill or what diet I was on. My reply was always "just eat less and workout". Their faces were priceless. I had one girl sit me down and ask me "alright dude really, we're cool, tell me what you're taking..."0
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gamesandgains wrote: »Slightly off topic but when I lost over 100 lbs I had a ton of people ask my what pill or what diet I was on. My reply was always "just eat less and workout". Their faces were priceless. I had one girl sit me down and ask me "alright dude really, we're cool, tell me what you're taking..."
no one can handle the truth that they already know how and just dont wanna!!!!
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Have you noticed how many people start here, look up the healthy weight range for their height, and post that there's no way they could possibly lose that much weight - that they'd look emaciated? And when these same people get down to the initial goal they set for themselves, they realize that they their 'ideal weight' is still quite a bit fatter than they really thought they'd be.
Most overweight people don't appreciate how much extra weight they themselves are carrying, let alone how much weight someone else has to lose.
I can see myself in your comment! I questioned whether I'd ever get down to my initial goal. Now that I've been maintaining at that goal for a month, I'm ready to push for a further 5-10, yet I'm getting all sorts of negative feedback on that. "You're so thin, ..." etc. Yes, compared to where I was, I am much thinner, but there is still a lingering layer of fat to address. I've decided to tell everyone I'm done cutting, but just get on with it quietly.
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When we remove ourselves from unhealthy habits and replace those with healthy habits the people we thought were our friends will either step up or step out. Their opinions don't pay your bills and unless they are a medical doctor monitoring your health then what they have to say, regaring your health, then it holds no value. What people have to say is more a reflection of who they are. If your weight loss makes them feel uncomfortable then it's possible they are struggling with their own weight. Looking at your healthy habits forces them to look at themselves.0
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If they knew you when you were heavier, haven't seen you in awhile and were not aware of your efforts to lose weight and get healthy, I can understand their concern. I guess it says something about our culture that dramatic weight loss is so often due to serious illness, rather than a desired and worked for outcome.
Anyway, assure them you are fine and carry on. You look great! Congrats!0 -
I was also extremely annoyed at first when people would make those comments. I then realized, that in today's hyper-sensitive world, people would rather be wrong and think you're not well, then "offend" and think you lost weight if you really are sick. I once walked into the cafeteria at work and someone asked me point blank if I'm "feeling well". It took me a few seconds to realize what the person was asking. When I answered that I've never felt better in my life, I was almost able to hear the tension release from the others standing there
To sum it up, most people don't think you're sick. It's just being cautious.
Just be proud man! I definitely am!0 -
I've been getting this lately too. I just say "I'm doing it for myself. I know what my goals are, and I'll stop when I'm satisfied." I guess a lot of people think once you reach your goal, you're supposed to stop everything and return to your previous lifestyle, but, we all know that's counterproductive. I just say stuff like "Gotta keep it going!" and keep on walking.
I think some of the negative comments I've gotten from people who are overweight, or not trying to improve their health, are coming from a place of insecurity. If you make something look easy, or even just possible, it forces them to confront the fact that they aren't making the effort, even though it's totally doable. I didn't mean for that to make me sound like a douche, but that's how I feel about it.0 -
Congrats on losing so much!
Keep in mind that these people are probably trying to compliment you, just going about it the wrong way... I have quite a few friends who are skinny, and some of them tell me constantly that theyre 'so fat', too. I tell them they look fine just as they are. I tell EVERYONE they look fine just how they are. (Because I dont really care how people look at all if their personality is nice. lol)0 -
You triggered a memory. The last time I seriously lost weight (and likely hit my personal ideal. If only I knew), my mother sabotaged my efforts. You see, I then weighed less than her! I've always been serious about my health and never went more extreme than Weight Watchers. My loss (just like this time) was slow and steady. She accused me of being anorexic! Tried to "feed" me every time I went over. This was very discouraging at the time. Now I am a crusty old lady and not so hard to intimidate. These days I would smile sweetly. I privately call it my shark smile.0
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Isabelle_1929 wrote: »Don't hesitate to tell people that it's rude to make negative comments on the way you look.
Because it is.
Many years ago, in my workplace, I fixed the situation in the lunch room, at noon. I was sick and tired of being calld too skinny or too small, although I was not at all (I was around 110 - 112 pounds for a 5'3, would NEVER skip a meal, and with "perfect" results at annual medical check up).
(Beside, even if someone was too skinny - how is this his colleagues' business?)
Anyhow, at lunch time, I told a colleague (who used to comment on my weight and body shape) something like "Wow, in these pants, we really see how your *kitten* is much bigger than it was a year ago". Then - in the silence that ensued - I said calmly: "Now, all of you know how I feel when I am told I am too skinny or does not have the body shape that suit your personal taste. There is no such thing as a "well-intentioned insult". Trust me, I have a harsh comment in bank for any one here who will be tempted to criticize my body shape or weight. If it's not your weight, that'll be your nose, teeth, legs, wrinkles, flabby chin, whatever."
That was the end of it. No one mentioned this incident ever after, but no one ever made mean remarks on my weight anymore.
I think I love you.
Great reply, I may have to borrow it. Most of my coworkers are fine with a simple "you look good" but some of them are gifted with giving out insult disguised as compliments. The more I lose, the worse the comments are getting. I'm in the middle of a three week vacation and the scale is behaving, my first shift back should bring out some doozies.
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As obesity rates increase and being overweight has become more prevalent than being a "normal" weight, people tend to underestimate weight. There have recently been several studies in which parents were asked if their young children were overweight/normal, and most were wrong: The results show 71 percent of participating parents with overweight or obese toddlers misperceived their child's weight, identifying it as either a healthy weight or lighter than healthy weight. Source: http://www.livescience.com/8313-parents-underestimate-weight-obese-children.html
One of my coworkers once made a joke about, "being 200 lbs" like it was a huge number, when, at the time, I was over 200 lbs, but no one would have guessed. I guarantee if you asked people to guess your weight (don't-it's awkward), they would underestimate by 20lbs, minimum.
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blackcoffeeandcherrypie wrote: »I like to deflect awkward comments with questions; it allows me to see their thought processes and it puts them in the hot seat and not me. i.e. 'Don't you think you've lost a bit too much weight now?' 'What do you think a man of my height should weigh?' Undoubtedly they will get it wrong. You can then ask 'What do you think a person of your height should weigh?' and then you can segue into the fact that they're overweight and they could do with losing a bit. They'll be embarrassed by this and I guarantee they'll never bring it up again.
that's pretty genius.0 -
I'm trying to remember if I have ever done/said this to anyone. Probably. I've been on both sides. I've lost tons of weight and looked fantabulous and I've seen people lose weight after I regained weight. I don't think I ever told someone they should stop or they look anorexic (because, frankly, if they really did then it wouldn't be appropriate to make such a flip comment).
My take on people's comments is this: Most people say things and don't care about or realize the gravity of what they have said. Five seconds later they have moved on and you're still stunned or hurt for days, months or years. Don't let anyone have that kind of power over you. I suspect most people don't mean any harm while others are jealous. Either way, who cares? Why let any negative comments dampen such an incredible accomplishment? You lost 122lbs!!! That is amazing. Don't spend another moment worrying about this! The people making the comments aren't losing any sleep, why should you?
Congrats on the loss and your new life. Enjoy it!!!0 -
Thanks for posting this OP! I've been getting this a lot lately since I've lost about 65 pounds over the last year. Some days I shrug it off and go on about my day. Some days, it really annoys me. People keep telling me I'm so "tiny" now, which is a stretch. I'm in my healthy range with just under 10 pounds to get to my goal. I think some people just don't know what healthy looks like. I've had a few of my friends with no filter refer to me as skinny B****, but I know it's just envy on their part. I worked hard for this new body so while the comments may annoy me, I don't let them derail me from my goals. Congrats on your loss!! That is amazing! Bravo!0
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Yea, I'm currently around 159 and I told my friends I want to be around 135 ultimately. That's in the middle of a healthy BMI for my height & age, and they thought that was too skinny... but I just remind myself that if I'm going to lose weight, I am going to go all out and be where I want to be 0
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It's interesting that when we weigh over 250 lbs our colleagues and friends never tell us they are worried about our health, but when we get close to our goal weight they feel free to tell us we're TOO THIN or don't look healthy!0
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i stopped losing weight like 3 or 4 months ago and still have people i've seen on a regular basis since then saying "you need to stop losing" or "you're not losing any MORE are you?!". then they look at me like i'm lying when i say "i actually haven't changed weight since every other time you've said that over the last several months". my mother actually pulled my roommate aside and asked if i'd even been eating because she'd decided i must be anorexic (while 144 pounds at 5'6.5"...so like only 12 pounds away from being "overweight") people have to find someone else to be concerned with so they don't have to spend too much time looking at themselves.0
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