My beginning and mentality....

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Healthicidal
Healthicidal Posts: 4
in Getting Started
Hiya I'm a 25 y'o london chick that's here to give as much support as I am here to receive it. I really need help and some company. I'm 5'6 at 14.7 stone (203lbs) But first:

Why did I put on this weight?

1. got a boyfriend (emotionally abusive)
2. lost all close friends
3. started gaming to escape reality and my suicidal urges
4. got in debt, lost job, lost boyfriend and crashed my car in the same week
5. things got better for a while but I never got over losing my friends....
6. got lonely. very lonely. gamed some more.
7. lost a bit of weight then piled twice more on
8. watched a family member die and feeling guilty since the night before it could have been prevented had we taken him to hospital. GUILT.
9. TODAY: I have a job, a nice car, an amazing boyfriend, a few select friends but I'M STILL UNHAPPY and on very bad days I just want to die.
10. I binge a LOT of food. Sometimes 2000-4000 calories in a sitting. I should be bigger but I'm not.
11. my family buy lots of processed food and chocolate and ram it in our faces.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit vain. When I go out - even just to the shops - I feel GOOD but I also feel like a PIG. I don't go out because I look ugly but in order to get motivated I need to get out MORE. Looking good makes me feel good and I can pursue the hobbies I let go when the weight piled on. My boyfriend can eat anything and is turning into one of those very smart, well paid, well dressed, businesmen and then there is ME :( I need to get my life in check.

I'm not sure if this is the place to vent my emotions but I need somewhere and even if no one reads this it feels better already. Hope to see you around. xx

Replies

  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    You appear to have depression. I deal with this too; I'm on meds for it. Do you have access to a doctor or therapist?

    If your boyfriend likes to go out dancing with you, this is a fun thing to do together that burns major calories. XD
  • Healthicidal
    Healthicidal Posts: 4
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    Thanks for replying. I have been to the doctor multiple times but both I've tried never follow up with appointments or any treatments. They just tell me to lose weight or give me a sick note for work (which doesn't really solve anything). They are very bogged down so I feel like I just have to get myself through this. x
  • Healthicidal
    Healthicidal Posts: 4
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    Oh and I think he'd be rather caught dead than dancing :open_mouth:
  • PotentiallyCrazy
    PotentiallyCrazy Posts: 69 Member
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    I'm 34/F from Ohio, USA. 265 pounds down from 288.

    @Healthicidal -- oh my. You have plenty of things "weighing" on you. & don't worry about the right place to vent on these things. They definitely affect how you feel as a person & play into the whole matter. I can relate to a few of the items on your list...

    6 years ago I thought I had met the love of my life. I was in love. He broke it off with me & traveled for his job (he was from another country, working here in information tech & network admin stuff). Thing was he went somewhere a few hundred miles away, but he told me he was depressed & the company fired him & sent him back to his country. 2 months before that, my dad had passed away. The last 2 boyfriends I had were emotionally & mentally abusive. March of this year, my mom started having major health problems. She broke a vertebra in her back. We found out it was due to cancer that had spread thru her body from her liver. I was her caregiver until she passed at the end of September. Now it's a month later, I missed all sorts of work from taking care of her & taking her to medical appointments, chemo, radiation, 2 back surgeries, hospital visits, a stay in a nursing home for rehabilitation that failed, then a short stay in hospice til the end...

    So I'm still in the grieving process, but still trying to work on myself & it's time to redirect my life! Finally got rid of that last bad boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. Time to start taking care of myself...

    Healthicidal -- The more you go out, probably the better, & it's great that you feel good! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't... I'm working on it. You sound like you're headed in the right direction :)

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