I'm worried, tired, emotionally drained and sick of this.

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lightmouse
lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
in Motivation and Support
I think I have a bit of a problem.

I have hated my body shape since I entered my teenage years and everyone started to look different. I have tried stupid diets, I've not eaten, I've not eaten then binged, cut out food groups, you name a stupid idea and I've probably given it a go. I have always been really active, but I've never looked how I think I "should" look.

Now, over the last year I've sorted a lot out with my diet. It was mostly carbs before, now I eat loads more protein and healthy fat. I've stopped doing so much running and added in resistance training (which funnily enough has made me a faster runner) I have lost some of the belly fat, but it still wobbles and I still hate it. It doesn't help that I am having terrible problems with stomach bloating/pain and am seeing my doctor about it.

It has been a year of logging, weighing and thinking constantly about food and working out. I am exhausted. I don't think I can do this any more. I don't enjoy food these days, I feel guilty after a bit of cake or a glass of wine. I was in tears last Sunday after a Saturday night out for a friend's birthday. I used to enjoy life so much more. I have worked so, so damn hard and I just think - for what? I may have gone from being unable to do one push up to being able to do pull ups, and I ran 5k in 19:56 last week but none of those things matter to me because I don't have a toned stomach. It is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I used to say that I would be happy with just a little bit definition, but having achieved this it is not good enough because it isn't completely flat and it wobbles. Just typing this has brought me to tears. It is affecting my relationship because my bf is understandably sick of me not wanting to get a takeaway or go out for dinner. My mood for the day is completely dictated by what my stomach looks like. Sometimes I wonder if I have an unachievable goal, but even that upsets me because I start thinking about how hard I've tried.

After last weekend I realised there was a problem, after spending all day in tears. I think I am emotionally (and probably physically) exhausted. I have put away the scale and that has helped a little, but I have still been logging and I'm wondering whether I should stop this too. Has anyone out there felt like this? Did you stop logging and did it help? Sorry for the long post.
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Replies

  • stillbattlingthebulge
    stillbattlingthebulge Posts: 46 Member
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    I have no answers, but I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you all the best!
  • toolzz
    toolzz Posts: 163 Member
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    You need to see a therapist and get counselling. You do not have a realistic view of your body. Seek help so that you can live your life to the fullest regardless of what you weigh or look like.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    I'd speak to a doctor
  • lightmouse
    lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
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    Thank you. I can't talk to anyone because all I get is "but you're so skinny". I don't care about being thin, I want to look strong and for my stomach to match my arms and legs :-( but really I think I'd settle for just feeling happy :-(
  • lightmouse
    lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
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    I am thinking about seeing a doctor, but my mum took me to see one when I was young about similar things and it didn't really help (evidently, because I'm nearly 30 and STILL having issues). I wonder whether not logging any more would relax me a little and whether anyone has experienced the same thing. This extreme feeling coincides with the logging, it's not something I've done before but I've done it consistently over the past year, and I wonder if it has made me worse.
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
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    You "can" talk to someone the point is finding the right person to talk to and being willing to speak to that person....Its hard but when the time comes be open to communication or the opportunity will be missed. No one is perfect we all have flaws ..big calves..flabby arms..tummy rolls...we just try to see the good things that go on with our bodies the small changes that are for the better and some are not what we see in the mirror...good luck...Its a struggle for everyone.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    lightmouse wrote: »
    I am thinking about seeing a doctor, but my mum took me to see one when I was young about similar things and it didn't really help (evidently, because I'm nearly 30 and STILL having issues). I wonder whether not logging any more would relax me a little and whether anyone has experienced the same thing. This extreme feeling coincides with the logging, it's not something I've done before but I've done it consistently over the past year, and I wonder if it has made me worse.

    You can ask for a referral to speak to someone about your feelings, don't worry about what happened in the past.
  • sorcha1977
    sorcha1977 Posts: 133 Member
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    Since you're having bloating/pain, there might be something else going on. Once your doctor rules out something physical, I suggest talking to a therapist.
  • JonathanLepoff
    JonathanLepoff Posts: 46 Member
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    The problem is in your head not your body. You look great and fantastic muscle definition. You have a slightly rounded belly because you are a woman: celebrate it
  • MoeHameed
    MoeHameed Posts: 260 Member
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    Your stomach looks good actually. I'm surprised you say that. o.O
  • mitch16
    mitch16 Posts: 2,113 Member
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    Definitely see a GP or an IM doctor about your bloating/pain. But also see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist because you have a bit of body dysmorphia going on, too.

    You look fabulous in your avatar, if a compliment from a random stranger on the internet means anything. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, maybe take a more relaxed stance on tracking, and take care of YOU!
  • FitOldMomma
    FitOldMomma Posts: 790 Member
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    Oh man, I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed by this. I am far from qualified to make suggestions other than perhaps you should see a therapist. Body dysmorphia is very common.
    Wishing you the best.
  • lightmouse
    lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
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    I do need more sleep. I get up at 4-4:30 am every weekday and sometimes don't get to sleep until midnight. Thanks everyone. This site is amazing. I have wonderful friends and family but I couldn't say what I typed to them because I'm embarrassed, ashamed, worried and I also feel like they wouldn't understand. And I don't want to worry my mum. I think she thinks I'm over it all. I thought I was too, mostly. But I realise now I'm really not.
  • Isabelle_1929
    Isabelle_1929 Posts: 233 Member
    edited October 2014
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    If at 30 years-old, you can spend an entire day crying because of a thin layer of fat and skin over your stomach, you need professional help. It will not just go away.

    What strikes me is that you have a BF. So unless you want to be a bikini model, rationally, having a flat and firm stomach would change absolutely nothing in your life. Nothing.

    I am sure that you know that the issue has strictly nothing to do with dieting and fitness.

    Also, about seeing a therapist: it's to because you saw one when you were a kid and that it didn't worked out, that any therapy/psychological help is useless. But again, I am sure that you know that. So take a deep breath and try to find a specialist for body image/dismorphia etc... Maybe your GP could recommend one?

    Good luck, and take care.
  • lightmouse
    lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
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    Isabelle_1929 wrote: »
    If at 30 years-old, you can spend an entire day crying because of a thin layer of fat and skin over your stomach, you need professional help. It will not just go away.

    What strikes me is that you have a BF. So unless you want to be a bikini model, rationally, having a flat and firm stomach would change absolutely nothing in your life. Nothing.

    I am sure that you know that the issue has strictly nothing to do with dieting and fitness.

    Also, about seeing a therapist: it's to because you saw one when you were a kid and that it didn't worked out, that any therapy/psychological help is useless. But again, I am sure that you know that. So take a deep breath and try to find a specialist for body image/dismorphia etc... Maybe your GP could recommend one?

    I know. Everything you say is completely true. My boyfriend fell for a girl that liked running, cycling, walking - and then going out for nice meals. Not this ridiculous nervous wreck that analyses everything she puts in her mouth and panics if she doesn't know the macros of things. I need to sort it out. I need to stop being so damn pathetic and get over it. I don't know how I've got back here. I got so much better for a while, especially when I saw changes. But then the changes weren't enough and this is where I am.
  • Ruzuki
    Ruzuki Posts: 136 Member
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    I think you need to see a therapist... Im pretty sure theres a mental disorder just like that.
    I also feel like this will be me in two years. >.>;;;
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,472 Member
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    well I look at your pic and your hot,,, maybe you should message me
  • smilzjoay
    smilzjoay Posts: 12
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    Your stomach is so beautiful! You have crazy definition, and it's sculpted, there is practically a 6 pack there! You have to realize, women always have a smaller bump on the bottom of their bellies, it's meant to carry babies, and it is NATURAL. I think you need more of a healing experience. You look fantastic! I would encourage you to keep working out, but to FEEL good, and to enjoy your "you" time. And the most important thing is to find a good counselor who can help you work through some of the ideas/false body images/hurts from the past. Sometimes you have to try a few different people before you find the right "one". Don't give up if you talk to 1 counselor and you HATE it, that's pretty normal! You should be loving that body and celebrating it! The emotional stuff is always hard, but you have to treat the problem correctly, it's not about the physical anymore for you. Good Luck! :smiley:
  • Isabelle_1929
    Isabelle_1929 Posts: 233 Member
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    lightmouse wrote: »
    Isabelle_1929 wrote: »
    If at 30 years-old, you can spend an entire day crying because of a thin layer of fat and skin over your stomach, you need professional help. It will not just go away.

    What strikes me is that you have a BF. So unless you want to be a bikini model, rationally, having a flat and firm stomach would change absolutely nothing in your life. Nothing.

    I am sure that you know that the issue has strictly nothing to do with dieting and fitness.

    Also, about seeing a therapist: it's to because you saw one when you were a kid and that it didn't worked out, that any therapy/psychological help is useless. But again, I am sure that you know that. So take a deep breath and try to find a specialist for body image/dismorphia etc... Maybe your GP could recommend one?

    I know. Everything you say is completely true. My boyfriend fell for a girl that liked running, cycling, walking - and then going out for nice meals. Not this ridiculous nervous wreck that analyses everything she puts in her mouth and panics if she doesn't know the macros of things. I need to sort it out. I need to stop being so damn pathetic and get over it. I don't know how I've got back here. I got so much better for a while, especially when I saw changes. But then the changes weren't enough and this is where I am.


    You're not pathetic, and not a "wreck".

    You probably have a disorder regarding your body image. You had ups, and downs, so who knows, with professional help, maybe it would not be too hard to keep it in check.
  • lightmouse
    lightmouse Posts: 175 Member
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    My boyfriend said that I must be seeing something completely different to the rest of the world. I don't think so, I think I'm seeing it accurately but then obsessing over it and making it a bigger deal than it is. I have always wanted to run a sub 20 min 5k. Then the day I do it, what do I think? Not "wow, well done, look what you've achieved" but "why the hell is my stomach still sticking out, I'm still doing something wrong, what is it". Absolute nonsense.

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