body dysmorphia disorder?

ajravanos
ajravanos Posts: 40 Member
in Motivation and Support
hi all, this is me:
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all of my life, i have struggled with my weight. at my biggest, i was 335lbs (15 years old). when i was 20, i got down to 175lbs. i am currently 28, & now at 192lbs. i eat very healthy (vegan & whole foods, mostly raw) & exercise 5 to 6 times a week. i know my body has changed. i know people can tell i have lost weight, but when i look in the mirror, all i see is a 300lb person staring back at me. literally. & it's hard to explain this to most people because they don't understand what it is that i am seeing & think i am "being ridiculous." this, especially lately, has really started to effect me in big ways mentally.

the reason i have spiraled out of control with this recently is because my boyfriend is coming home in two weeks after being out of the country for a very, very long time & i am getting so nervous to the point i’ve wanted to make excuses to bide me more time to lose 20 more pounds. which is absurd. & i know that. who wouldn’t want to run into the arms of the person they love the second they got home from being gone for so long? i would never stand him up like that, but the thought of me not being “thin” enough or “pretty” enough still lingers in my head for most of the day & scares me to the point i feel like i am going to throw up. the thing is, i know he would never turn me away because of looks- he’s not a shallow person in the slightest- but i’ve scared myself into thinking my appearance is going to ruin everything.

i know 95% of the responses on here will be “you need professional help,” & you’re probably right. i’m fairly certain i have body dysmorphia disorder. however, “professional help” isn’t in my budget.

i know i can’t be the only one who suffers from this & is on MFP, so i was hoping to find some words of encouragement regarding how you deal with things like this. what helps you re-center yourself & find that inner peace?

like i said, i know going to talk to someone is probably what i should do, but i can't afford that right now. i am hoping that people who also suffer from this will be able to help bring in some positivity & put me (& everyone else who struggles with this disorder) on the right path to how i (we) view my(our)self.

thanks
& have a lovely day

Replies

  • angelexperiment
    angelexperiment Posts: 1,917 Member
    Hi there! I think I have something like this only see myself as thinner than I actually am. It is weird when I look at myself. But if I can be of any help I am here to support you! I have good days and bad days. Add me if you like!
  • CLFrancois
    CLFrancois Posts: 472 Member
    #1- you are not alone
    #2- http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd
  • uconnwinsnc1
    uconnwinsnc1 Posts: 902 Member
    I look different to myself every day. Some days I look wonderful, some days I look like a wet rat who hasn't slept in 3 days and has only eaten salt cubes. I don't know...I just sort of write it off as my brain being jacked up confused after 20+ years of being the "fat kid."
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    i tell myself over and over and over - The people in my life whom I love are not so shallow or insipid that the imperfections in my physical appearance could easily sway their heart away from me. They love me because they love me and I shouldn't tear apart their character so as to believe they are wickedly flakey about their loyalty, just because I am having a fat day. I love them, they get more credit than that.
  • girlviernes
    girlviernes Posts: 2,402 Member
    I'm not sure you have body dysmorphia disorder... but it does sound like your body image is a significant concern. Maybe this workbook could help: http://www.amazon.com/Body-Image-Workbook-Eight-Step-Learning-ebook/dp/B0066BDRMK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415034064&sr=8-1&keywords=body+image+workbook

    One of the most important things about body image is to notice the way your thoughts and feelings affect your actions - what things do you avoid or spend too much time on due to how you feel about your body? Make a list and tackle these things one at a time. E.g., have you avoided sending your boyfriend up to date or bad looking photos? It could be a goal to send one. Are there places you don't go or types of clothing you don't wear?

    Keep reminding yourself that your mind is caught up in the old you, but you don't have to follow that out of date information!
  • sofaking6
    sofaking6 Posts: 4,589 Member
    It's definitely possible that you have BDD, but it also could be just your 'mental map' of your body taking time to adjust to its new dimensions. Try putting before & after pics side by side where you can see them often, it might help to jog your brain into seeing where you really are right now.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,744 Member
    uconnwinsnc1 wrote: »
    I look different to myself every day. Some days I look wonderful, some days I look like a wet rat who hasn't slept in 3 days and has only eaten salt cubes. I don't know...I just sort of write it off as my brain being jacked up confused after 20+ years of being the "fat kid."

    Oh my, I love the way you worded that! I feel the same way, but couldn't have written it quite so colorfully. Thing is, my feelings like this don't even stem from being fat; it's jut the way it is. Some days I think I look great and others days I can't believe I went out in public! It's just a weird mental / brain thing for me.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,744 Member
    OP, I am absolutely not a professional and even worse, I saw this "advice" on a movie one time, but thought I'd suggest it just in case it helps: get a large sheet of paper and lay down flat on it. Have someone trace your outline. Then step back and look at it. I'll bet you'll see the small person you are! The mirror and pictures can be so deceiving at times...

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