Caring for my Hospice Father

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digitalbill
digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
in Chit-Chat
I just need a place to vent.
Dad was never really nice to me. I mean, not abusive or anything but, just not a nice guy.
He has been fighting cancer for several years and about 6 weeks ago, the doctor told him that the meds were not working anymore and he needed to contact Hospice.
Since he got off of the meds, he has lost the ability to walk and has gotten meaner and meaner.
Hospice has been helpful but the burden still falls to me since I was the only Son stupid enough to stay in South Florida.
In the last three weeks, he has fallen five times. The last time he fell, my wife went to his apartment to sit him up and he passed out (low blood pressure).
911 was called and he went to the ER.
For three days he remained pissed at us for making that call.
Now, I knew this day would come and I have been trying to get him to move in with us. My wife has been very supportive (she is a better person then anyone on the planet.)
Finally the doctor informed him that he would be unable to live on his own.
I told Dad he had a choice:
1: Stay in this Hospice bed at the hospital and die here
2: Come live with us where it is more comfortable

He finally decided on option 2 so, we got a medical bed delivered and I brought over as much "comfort" stuff as I could from his apartment.
We moved out of the master bedroom and gave it to him.
Still, every day my wife and I have to hear him just bitching about the smallest stuff. It is wearing on us both.
This is going to sound awful but, the doctors gave him about two weeks to live and I am actually looking at the calendar.

Again, just venting.....

Replies

  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
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    Wishing you an abundance of patience. Caring for elderly parents is not for the faint of heart.

  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,407 Member
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    Knowing why doesn't make the situation change, but can make the situation a little easier to deal with. What are you afraid of? Public speaking? Losing a job? This guy is facing the fear that is greater than that - death. And he is scared. And in terrible pain. And completely dependent on others.

    Regardless of your past with your father, you did an amazing thing, to honor your father, and do so in your home. And now you have to deal with his anger, which is really his fear. Because people can't express fear, because that makes them more afraid.

    Try to take breaks when caring for him when he gets too upsetting. I've seen news programs that suggest music from his youth can help and also try some soothing Christian music to soften his heart and give him hope and lessen his fear and anger.

    I wish you the best! You will be rewarded for your kindness to your dad! Here's a bit from 1 Corinthians 15

    54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”[a]

    55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”
    56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

    58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
  • lorib642
    lorib642 Posts: 1,942 Member
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    I am sorry to hear that. My father is on hospice, too, but we don't know how much time he has. My mom is his caregiver. He is easy to deal with, but it is still a lot of work. You must be exhausted. I don't know what to say, but I hear you and I understand the frustration.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    2 weeks seems like a lifetime to you, but when you look back on it, it will have been no time at all. I am sorry you've had a not so great relationship with your dad. It's hard to love someone and dislike them all at the same time.

    I don't know how old your dad is, but when people get older, then tend to lose their "filters" and become even more difficult. I lost my mom (who I had a great/sometimes not so great relationship with, which was my fault WAY more than her fault) a year ago and I miss her every single day. I am glad I spent so much time with her over the last several years so I didn't have as many guilts, but they are still there. Good luck. You and your wife are wonderful people to take your dad in. He may not seem to appreciate it, but I bet he does.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    Thanks for hearing me out and letting me sound off.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    OK. So, my Father passed away on Friday, October 24th in the morning.
    There was no will so basically everything was left to myself and my older Brother. Verbally, he told both me and my Brother that he wanted my Son to have his Honda but other then that, everything was to be split 50/50.
    So far, so good. My brother and I went thru his "stuff" and there was no fighting at all.
    He is the executor so he is in charge of selling off the properties and I am in charge of showing the property when needed.
    No fighting or anything else.
    Then, my Brother got a phone call today from my Fathers attorney. It turns out that one of my uncles called him looking for a will.
    Everyone said that when money is involved, people turn into backstabbers.
  • Misshodge64
    Misshodge64 Posts: 8,588 Member
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    Honestly I would try to make his last weeks or months peaceful as can be. I would go out knowing I had the support and love from my family. According to doctors, it will be over soon. Just cherish the last moments, no matter who is right or wrong. Excellent posts , love the transparency. My prayers go to U.
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
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    I think living in Florida may be an advantage to the issue of not having a will. At least I think it might. That is awful that one of your uncles is being greedy.
  • fobs13
    fobs13 Posts: 1,080 Member
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    Hopefully everything will work out fine for you. It's a difficult time and you don't need any stress related to money quarrels like. Wishing you the best in coming to terms with your father's passing.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    edited November 2014
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    digitalbill wrote: »
    OK. So, my Father passed away on Friday, October 24th in the morning.
    There was no will so basically everything was left to myself and my older Brother. Verbally, he told both me and my Brother that he wanted my Son to have his Honda but other then that, everything was to be split 50/50.
    So far, so good. My brother and I went thru his "stuff" and there was no fighting at all.
    He is the executor so he is in charge of selling off the properties and I am in charge of showing the property when needed.
    No fighting or anything else.
    Then, my Brother got a phone call today from my Fathers attorney. It turns out that one of my uncles called him looking for a will.
    Everyone said that when money is involved, people turn into backstabbers.


    I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like you & your wife were really compassionate angels.

    I guess it's no big that the uncle called to see if there was a will. No harm done unless he's contesting. Don't consider it a negative until it is one.
  • SuninVirgo
    SuninVirgo Posts: 255 Member
    edited November 2014
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    The uncle would have no right to his stuff
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
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    Bill, I would ask a mod to lock this thread and you should start a new one with the info that he's passed & your concerns.

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