Why am I even doing this?

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JessesGirl05
JessesGirl05 Posts: 253
in Motivation and Support
I've been with my children's father for 6 and a half years. we have 2 kids together, and he doesn't want to get married (at least any time soon). My feelings on that subject is a whole other story.

But when I started this...I was doing it so I could look good...FOR HIM. (as well as me obviously. I hate the way I look and not feeling pretty enough) But why? Why bother going through all this for someone who doesn't even want me as his wife? And for me...what would it matter? No one else would ever want me!
I hate working out. I despise it. So why do it?

Yeah yeah yeah. 99% of you will probably say "for your health" but believe it or not I am 100% healthy! "For my health" just doesn't keep me going!

At first I thought "If I looked good again, maybe he would want to marry me". But I know that is stupid.

I just don't see the point anymore.

Tonight I forced myself up and went to go work out, and then he walked in and I just didn't want to do it any more. Part of it is frustration; feeling like I can't even get 10 minutes to myself without someone up my *kitten*. The other part, I'm sure is just me making excuses. But either way. Why can't I get myself to do this?!

Replies

  • Vpirwannab
    Vpirwannab Posts: 22
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    If you started this for him then you started for absolutely the wrong reason. Do this for YOU. He should love you regardless.
  • flinchyny
    flinchyny Posts: 106 Member
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    Sounds like you're depressed. :( Understandably so.

    That is crazy to say no one else will want you. To put it frankly, there are literally billions of guys out there -- I am sure there are plenty who'd dig you.

    You may be healthy now, but over time, being overweight will change that.

    If you don't feel motivated to do it for you, do it for your kids.
  • angisnee
    angisnee Posts: 236 Member
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    You're right that you absolutely have to want this for yourself! I've tried numerous times over the last 10 years to lose weight (my total goal is 70 pounds lost like you). This time, it just clicked. I don't know why, but I just wouldn't let myself use the "normal" excuses (no time, too tired, it's not working, etc.) The support here is what I think made me stick to it long enough to actually see results, which made me keep going.

    I don't mean to make you feel bad, but if you truly do have 70 pounds to lose, you're not 100% healthy. There are many health risks with being overweight (at 70 pounds overweight, I was close to the morbidly obese mark). They may not be apparent now, but they will catch up with you in the long run.

    I do wish you luck on your journey. Find out why this is important to you, and don't let what anyone else thinks of you or your efforts stop you. If you fall, pick yourself up and keep going. The only way you can fail at this is if you quit completely! If you have a setback, learn from it, and get back on track!
  • PaulaJKelly
    PaulaJKelly Posts: 96
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    Take care of yourself so that you stay well, healthy, and hopefully it will help you to be happier. I don''t say that lightly as I struggle with depressive thoughts, self-worth, etc. The other reason is to be the mom to your kids. If the man won't marry and you can leave, then do it. Don't give an ultimatim if you won't follow through with it though. Yes, children need their father. You, however, need someone who loves you enough to make the commitment and marry you. You deserve the love, the peace of mind, the support and the security of a marriage relationship. By the grace of God, you are on this earth. I pray that you will find the desire to take care of yourself because of how it makes you feel. Wishing you all the best.
  • ladyhawk00
    ladyhawk00 Posts: 2,457 Member
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    Some tough love.

    1. If you have 70 lbs to lose, you are NOT "100% healthy". Period.

    2. If he doesn't want to marry you as you are now, he never will - or if he did, then you would be getting married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

    3. How about doing it for you and your children? Your children depend on YOU to teach them to be healthy. And "do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work. If you don't choose to live a healthy lifestyle now, it WILL effect you AND your children later. You might not see it now, or in 10 years...or even 20.

    But think about the possibility of not being able to go to your child's wedding 25 years from now, because you can't travel due to health issues (just had a friend whose father was absent because of his obesity.)

    Think about not being there to see your grandchildren born.

    Think about being happy with who you are, and where you are in life, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. And teaching your kids those same things.

    Just some things to think about.
  • wonnder1
    wonnder1 Posts: 460
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    Maybe you're doing it so you can find yourself and realize that you are perfectly strong enough to decide your own fate.
  • happybrooke
    happybrooke Posts: 153
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    Just a thought: Maybe by taking control of what YOU want (to lose weight) and focusing on that for awhile; will improve your relationship. What I've experienced thru the years is that men and women are like opposing magnets. When I'm digging my guy, he isn't always 100% focused on me and vice versa. It's like one is always chasing the other. Any point in my relationship where I exercise my indepence and focus on me, well after awhile the boy realizes that I wasn't chasing him and he comes after me. He has his personal time and I have mine. It took my guy a long time to realize that I wasn't going to give up my time when it came to working out, so he joined me this year and we're actually having fun with it. Try doing your thing, start working on your goals - not only will you get into shape and lose weight, but your guy will take notice!!
  • Sumo813
    Sumo813 Posts: 566 Member
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    At first I thought "If I looked good again, maybe he would want to marry me". But I know that is stupid.

    I just don't see the point anymore.

    Tonight I forced myself up and went to go work out, and then he walked in and I just didn't want to do it any more. Part of it is frustration; feeling like I can't even get 10 minutes to myself without someone up my *kitten*. The other part, I'm sure is just me making excuses. But either way. Why can't I get myself to do this?!

    Do it for you, and only you. Everything else is secondary, except your kids of course. But you really do have to be happy with yourself. I'm learning that myself.

    We don't like to be out of our comfort zone. It sucks. There's no doubt about it. But when you think about the consequences, it can be scary. Try having a doctor tell you that your oxygen levels dipping to 68% while you're "sleeping" just "isn't conducive to life". Let me tell you... it will wake you up. Don't let yourself get there.

    When I don't feel like working out, I tell myself "10 mins. Just 10 mins." And I get on the treadmill... and after 5 mins goes by, i find myself wanting to see how many calories I can burn. So just tell yourself 10 mins. If nothing else, just 10 mins.
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
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    Sweety, it does sound like you are depressed. You might consider a visit to the doctor if your mood doesn't shift. Extra weight can mess with hormones, thyroid and make it harder to get motivated. You and yours are worth getting things looked into.
    If you are not ready for that step I would suggest using the blog. You need to sort these feeling out and writing them down works. Keep writing then read and evaluate. Everytime you feel inspired, make a note of it. IN BOLD. and make goals that are reasonable. Sending love and hugs your way,
    Shel
  • hwjssc
    hwjssc Posts: 194 Member
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    you need to do it for yourself and NO one else..If someone does not want you because of weight they need to hit the road..It is the inside that counts..Keep your head up and be happy life is way to short to be miserable:)
  • JessesGirl05
    JessesGirl05 Posts: 253
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    I just feel alone and like everyone is against me.

    i have no friends, much less anyone who is on this journey with my (except MFP and that just doesnt seem to be helping). At first my sister was doing it and we were kind of "competing" with each other but she has given up.
    the boyfriend eats crappy food all the time. hed rather have fast and easy then something that is healthy and that needs preparation. hes a picky eater. my daughter is a picky eater. it just is easier to give in and eat their crap then to cook 3 different meals 3 times a day.
  • jamaka1
    jamaka1 Posts: 412 Member
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    you are doing this for you bc you want to continue to be healthy for you and your children. I work in the medical field and the issues that arrive from diabetes, heart disease and i could go on, are no joke; some poor souls have to take so many meds throughout the day, there are ppl who cant catch their breath. girl, be blessed and do this for you and those wonderful kids of yours. that man does not deserve you, the sooner you know the better. keep ur head up and keep working out. send me a message anytime you want to talk. good luck on your journey and just remember we are here for you.:flowerforyou:
  • Losingitin2011
    Losingitin2011 Posts: 572 Member
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    You've got to do this for you. I was with a man who I knew would never marry me, and I thought that maybe if I looked and acted the way he wanted he would change his mind. Never happened and it fell apart. I am now happily married to a man that loves me no matter how I look because he loves who I am inside.

    It's a tough decision to make, but you need support from those closest to you. If they aren't willing to support you now, will they ever be? It isn't as if you're asking him to sacrifice lambs or anything, just not eat crap. If he wants crap, then he can cook for himself.

    I found that a cure to picky eating is the idea that if they don't eat what you cook, then they don't eat. Lord knows it didn't kill me, and I eat just about anything. Don't give up!

    *hugs*
  • angisnee
    angisnee Posts: 236 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel, hun. I struggle with depression, although a lot less since I've started losing weight. I'm a very shy person, so I have very few friends, and I have a very small family that doesn't talk about their feelings very well. I would highly suggest finding a counselor to help you talk through some of your thoughts. I did counseling after being diagnosed with depression, and I still use some of the tools I was taught 8 years ago to get me through the toughest times. Please add me as a friend if you'd like. I would like to chat with you, and we could help keep each other motivated.
  • rosaliabritt
    rosaliabritt Posts: 131 Member
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    You will do it, when you are ready and want to do it for yourself. In the meantime, I am concerned that you are feeling so down and alone and I believe that you are over whelmed and have a lot of things going on with you and your current situation. I am not one to give advise. However, have you considered seeing someone (a counselor, social worker) who who can talk with you and help you to
    sort through things--someone who will definately be on your side and qualified to help you put things in perspective and best of all --help you to see your value and worth and work with you to meet your goals. If money is an issue (as it is for most of us) there are state and county services which are free or sliding scale fees. (Social Services through your county or state). Best of luck to you--
  • Losingitin2011
    Losingitin2011 Posts: 572 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel, hun. I struggle with depression, although a lot less since I've started losing weight. I'm a very shy person, so I have very few friends, and I have a very small family that doesn't talk about their feelings very well. I would highly suggest finding a counselor to help you talk through some of your thoughts. I did counseling after being diagnosed with depression, and I still use some of the tools I was taught 8 years ago to get me through the toughest times. Please add me as a friend if you'd like. I would like to chat with you, and we could help keep each other motivated.

    It always makes me smile to see a success story from someone with any mental illness. It breaks my heart to see how people with mental illness are treated compared to "normal" people. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and tried counseling. It didn't work for me, but I think that was more the counselor than the treatment. Also, good for you on your weight loss, that is really fantastic! I can't wait until my number is double digits for weight lost!

    *hugs*
  • aichabp
    aichabp Posts: 9
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    Have you thought that maybe YOU don't want to marry him?
    That maybe there is another "better" guy around the corner for you?

    If it is the kids, having kids together is not the reason to stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you.

    If you love him, YOU have to define the reasons why you love him.
    If those reasons are worth it, then you don't have to be married.

    Either way...lose the weight because YOU want to lose the weight.
    Do it for you and no-one else.
    It may make it more fun or at least less stressful if it is not attached to all of those other expectations that you really can't control.

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