Please Help - Advice Needed
hidingbehindmyfat
Posts: 1
I had an old MFP account that I had created over 3 1/2 years ago and had TREMENDOUS success (lost 166 pounds)! I was progressing really well in my new lifestyle: counting calories, getting in to the gym at least 4-5 times per week for strength and cardio... and then I met the love of my life in November 2012. He was following a similar lifestyle change and it was pure fate that brought us together.
When we first met, we were (obviously) living separately from one another. We would meet up at the gym at 5am or after work around 8pm almost daily. It was an incredible bonding experience and he motivated me in ways he will never understand. Fast forward to six months into our relationship and we moved in together. Gone were the days when we could go to the gym together as we both had small children so we had to take turns. I got a job working in an awesome new-concept gym which incorporated strength training and cardio. At first, I was pretty gung-ho about getting in all my workouts at my new gym and it was around that time that I saw my lowest weight thus far. Then the newness of the new-concept gym wore off and I found myself getting lazier and lazier. 4-5 times a week went down to 2-3 times a week and then not at all. The weight started creeping back on.
We both decided, with the new year of 2014, that we needed a change and to get back to where we were at when we met. We began clean eating, became closer spiritually, got back into the gym (individually) and incorporated at-home workouts (individually)... but I still wasn't motivated like I was before. I tried to get us to workout together again.... but one of us would find an excuse not to.
Fast forward now to two years into our relationship. I never get in to the gym anymore and I still find every excuse not to workout at home. I've lost all my motivation and I've gained back 80 pounds. I am disgusted with my appearance and judging from my increasing awareness of how we are lacking in intimacy more lately, I think my boyfriend isn't attracted to me anymore. I think I've lost what he was attracted to in the first place - my drive, my ambition and my motivation. While we make plans to take the next step in our relationship, I worry he can only see the weight I've gained. I am still smart, still have a pretty face, still have a sense of humor and I am still a good mother - all qualities he had fallen in love with as well... but my lack of self esteem and my poor self image is spilling over into our intimate lives. He tries to tell me that he is still attracted to me but his actions (or lack of actions) speak louder than his words. I am at a pretty low point, even though I've done almost everything I can to try to get back on track: seeing a therapist to adjust my thought processes in regards to my self-image and self-esteem and even scheduling consultations for potential weight loss surgery.
I just need to find some sort of motivation to get back on track and I just wish he and I could work out together again. I really miss what that brought to both our health as well as our relationship. I am looking for any guidance my fellow MyFitnessPals can provide. I hope I can dig myself out of this self-loathing mess I've created and re-kindle the romance I feel like I've lost with my amazing other half. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice you have for me.
(side note: yes, I have told him all of this and he has read this post before I posted it. He feels he is at a loss as to how to get me motivated again when he, himself, isn't feeling as motivated as he used to, due to increased stress in other areas of his life.)
When we first met, we were (obviously) living separately from one another. We would meet up at the gym at 5am or after work around 8pm almost daily. It was an incredible bonding experience and he motivated me in ways he will never understand. Fast forward to six months into our relationship and we moved in together. Gone were the days when we could go to the gym together as we both had small children so we had to take turns. I got a job working in an awesome new-concept gym which incorporated strength training and cardio. At first, I was pretty gung-ho about getting in all my workouts at my new gym and it was around that time that I saw my lowest weight thus far. Then the newness of the new-concept gym wore off and I found myself getting lazier and lazier. 4-5 times a week went down to 2-3 times a week and then not at all. The weight started creeping back on.
We both decided, with the new year of 2014, that we needed a change and to get back to where we were at when we met. We began clean eating, became closer spiritually, got back into the gym (individually) and incorporated at-home workouts (individually)... but I still wasn't motivated like I was before. I tried to get us to workout together again.... but one of us would find an excuse not to.
Fast forward now to two years into our relationship. I never get in to the gym anymore and I still find every excuse not to workout at home. I've lost all my motivation and I've gained back 80 pounds. I am disgusted with my appearance and judging from my increasing awareness of how we are lacking in intimacy more lately, I think my boyfriend isn't attracted to me anymore. I think I've lost what he was attracted to in the first place - my drive, my ambition and my motivation. While we make plans to take the next step in our relationship, I worry he can only see the weight I've gained. I am still smart, still have a pretty face, still have a sense of humor and I am still a good mother - all qualities he had fallen in love with as well... but my lack of self esteem and my poor self image is spilling over into our intimate lives. He tries to tell me that he is still attracted to me but his actions (or lack of actions) speak louder than his words. I am at a pretty low point, even though I've done almost everything I can to try to get back on track: seeing a therapist to adjust my thought processes in regards to my self-image and self-esteem and even scheduling consultations for potential weight loss surgery.
I just need to find some sort of motivation to get back on track and I just wish he and I could work out together again. I really miss what that brought to both our health as well as our relationship. I am looking for any guidance my fellow MyFitnessPals can provide. I hope I can dig myself out of this self-loathing mess I've created and re-kindle the romance I feel like I've lost with my amazing other half. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice you have for me.
(side note: yes, I have told him all of this and he has read this post before I posted it. He feels he is at a loss as to how to get me motivated again when he, himself, isn't feeling as motivated as he used to, due to increased stress in other areas of his life.)
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Replies
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I think this post and re-logging in on MFP is your first step! Well done! I make myself a calender and have it hanging in my bedroom that I look at every morning as soon as I wake up. It helps guide me into what mean plan I have for the day. Without that, I would go straight into the kitchen and start snacking on anything that I see. Try to make a side note that says "remember to hydrate!" because drinking water really helps to curb most of my hunger problems.
I have a few free weights that I leave out in the open, so that if I put on a movie or something, I'll walk around as I watch and use them at the same time. Just that bit of movement gets me more motivated, and then I'll do a few squats and sit-ups or other exercises. I'll try to think of some more tips that might help you!
It sounds like you really want to work out together - and I know how fun and motivational that can be - but maybe you need to stop depending on 'partner workouts' and try to be strong enough to start yourself. Then when he sees you being so driven again, he'll hop on the train! Toot toot! You sound like an awesome Mommy and it sounds like your head & heart are strong. One day at a time! One choice at a time. Even if you don't feel motivated to work out right now, try to start with eating better first. Eating right will give you more energy and you'll naturally want to start bouncing around more. Good luck to you both and your sweet little family! :-)0 -
Sorry to hear you are struggling. You say he has lost motivation also, but has he gained weight back? Not that that matters much, I'm just wondering if he is in the same boat you are or if he's working out on his own. I'm not really clear as to WHY he doesn't want to work out with you anymore.
Also, moving in together (with or without kids) is tough. Any possibility of moving out and focusing on YOU for a while? Doesn't mean your relationship would stop or be over. Keep seeing your therapist. Ultimately, you need to find your motivation for YOU and not be so reliant on him. I'm sorry; I know that sound harsh, but it's really not. You can't take care of others until you take care of yourself first.0 -
Oh - and one other thing that helps me. I have a goal set to be able to do pull-ups by the end of this year. I've never been able to do them in my entire life! I've told my family and friends about this goal and they always ask how it's going. It definitely helps because it keeps me from slacking. Everyone has been cheering me on that I'll be able to do them before the New Year. Maybe you can set some kind of goal, and tell a few friends, this way you'll feel more pressure (motivational pressure
) to get it done. 0 -
Don't worry about looking for the motivation to do it. You want the benefits, that is enough of a motivator.
What you are actually hoping for is being at the point where you don't need motivation because you have built up momentum.
Forget motivation. It's fickle and just makes it more fun. You don't need it to be fun as much as you need to get it done, right? So don't wait a single moment for something as fleeting as motivation, just do it because you said you would. Do it so you can be motivation for him and together build momentum to get you both to spring and to the point where you are an unstoppable team.
Just do it because you gotta, and dont waste a single moment looking for today's 'why?'. The answer is because you said you would and you deserve it and you are going to keep your word because THAT is the mettle you are made of.0 -
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I get the appeal of wanting to go back to what you did before because it worked so well and I also have an inkling that, at least in part, you're wanting to workout again together because you want that extra bond back. As sweet as that is, if you really can't find a way to make it work (daycare, babysitter?), you need to let it go and become more accountable for your own actions. Stop putting so much emphasis on how he helped you before and starting putting more thought and energy into how you can do it for yourself this time around.
Look, I get it, I've had some great gym buddies and relied on them way too much and even blamed them for my inability to stay motivated when they weren't consistent. Then I realized how silly that was, put my big girl pants on and got myself going. Hell, I've got a great gym buddy right now but she's unavailable for a couple of days so here I am, once again, needing to motivate myself. Millions of people do it every day. You can too!0
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