Night Shift and Weight Loss :(

Hi everybody. I am going to go into detail about where I am and how I got here, and why I'm not happy with it. So here we go.

1.5ish years ago I was 18, I weighed 119 (I'm 5'2) and was fairly active 3-5 days a week. I was in college full time, worked part time, and played tournament softball on two teams (played for 13 years!). Well, unfortunately this was a turning point age for me. I was aging out of my softball leagues and had to leave my team, and was at a point in my life where I had to start working full time.

The activity stopped, the full time desk job started, and then came the depo vera birth control, and the boyfriend who turned out to be one HELL of a cook (I lived a ramen noodle diet pre full time job life)

Flash forward a year: I'm enjoying work, not going to school as much anymore, loving my boyfriend, and missing softball. Next thing I know I've gained 25 pounds in a flash without even noticing!

Since I noticed how much I've gained weight, I've noticed the stretch marks, the subtle double chin developing, the lack of muscle and lack of energy. I had to get my license renewed and it's very apparent how much larger my face is. My grandma (bless her) has made obvious comments about my lack of exercise and what it's done to me. I've never been this big before, and it's going straight to my belly and my chin. It's really put a damper on my spirits, my s/o was able to lose I think 19 pounds. For a few months we turned off junk food, soda, and started light exercise. His weight FELL off and now he's looking great and able to eat whatever he wants (in portions, of course) but I've only fluctuated from 139-145. Now we eat okay but definitely not great, diet sodas only, but no more gym. No motivation on my end.

I am trying to turn around on my eating habits. I think a big problem for me is portion control and the fact that I'm literally hungry 24/7. I think depo causes me to feel hungry all the time. I'm simply not full until I feel sick. Add in that I also work midnight shift. So my schedule goes like this. Wake up at 3-6pm depending on how the night went, eat meal #1 between 6-8pm, go to work at 11, eat meal #2 (leftovers) between 12-3am, get off work at 7am, eat meal #3 if I'm starving (I don't like eating so soon before sleeping so I only eat this meal 1-2x a week) go to sleep by 9, and repeat. I can't function without at least 8-9 hours of sleep, but sometimes I sleep longer if I'm really feeling off, so there goes my day.

Days off I try to regulate my schedule but usually end up awake at 3am due to that being my meal#2 time despite having eating like a normal human the day before. I don't allow myself to get up and eat until 7 or so then.

I'm truly not sure how I should regulate an eating schedule when working nights. I guess I'm looking for some tips. I know I need to add in healthier foods, but I more or less hate healthy food so I really have to push myself. I've stsrted leaving my wallet in my car to prevent me from making the midnight munchies vending machine trip. Portion control is my biggest goal at this point, as well as cutting out diet soda and sticking to water only. I usually don't drink water, ever. I don't deink coffee but I do drink a sugar free red bull a few times a week, typically on nights I couldn't sleep that day.

My boyfriend has been really supportive about my insecurities. He blames it on the depo. But I feel like I can only blame myself for not realizing that I can't eat everything I want when I'm not playing ball 5 nights a week. I sit in front of a computer 8-16 hours a day working vs spending 8-12 hours on a ball field. I should have known better. I lost insurance a while back so I can't change birth controls yet, but I plan to soon since the effects of that BC are so bad.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I think I'm just looking for some motivation. I want to lose the weight because I'm not happy feeling so big. I went from size 3 to size 7, I miss my old clothes, and I hate that I can't take a picture of myself without seeing that double chin and cringing, or seeing my stretch marks and realizing I'm stuck with them forever.