This isn't what I thought it was gonna be...
vnessuh
Posts: 13 Member
So I'm almost 30 and I've pretty much been fat since I was 7. My grandmother died then and my mother fell into this pit of depression. The result? I learned how to eat my emotions at a very early age.
Throughout the years, I, as I'm confident all of you can relate, have encountered my fair share of people's "concern" over my weight. Their "well meaning" comments/suggestions/etc. I am not unfamiliar with the "You're so pretty! Why don't you lose weight?", all of which I grew to resent more and more as time progressed.
So here I am, 100lbs down (for the second time, almost. actually lighter than I have been since I think I was in middle school) with another about, I wanna say 60lbs to go? (I understand I won't know where I'll be happy until I get there, so it's just a guestimate) Anyway, so yeah, 100lbs down, and for the first time in my life having done it with diet AND exercise, and what have I noticed?
a) My body isn't looking how I want it to yet. I thought I'd look so much thinner at 203. I thought I'd have tightened up, that I wouldn't have bingo wings, didn't ever think I'd have jiggly loose skinned upper thighs. This is all secondary to what I wanted, which was to be NOT 300lbs anymore, but I can't help but be motivated by the continued hope that I will achieve the body I've always fantasized about having.
b) All those IDIOTS, NOSY, SELF RIGHTEOUS, PRETENTIOUS MORONS who ever commented on my weight when I wasn't doing anything about it have nothing honestly encouraging or supportive to say now that I AM doing something about it. I don't know about you, but having been above 200lbs most of my life, getting within 4lbs of being in "Onederland" is kind of a humungous deal. Like, I kind of want to shout it from the rooftops. After all the pain 23 years of emotional pain from a society ostracizing me and saying it's my fault, then all the physical pain of the exercise, the tears i've had to stifle so as to not embarrass myself when I choose not to eat what I shouldn't, all the effort, and all of the focus and discipline on TOP of having to hear your mouth run about how my body affects you and all I get is a "Wow that's great!"? *kitten*. YOU.
I'll be honest, I started this journey to better my life, but I think a huge motivator was what I thought other people's reactions were going to be considering they'd been "waiting" for this for so long ( i mean, they'd been talking about it since I can remember so my life MUST be that important to them, right?) but now, I think my focus is switching. I don't want their approval any more. I want my weight loss, my achievement, to be the biggest middle finger they've ever seen. And I hope it's so big, they're intimidated by it and don't bother trying to approach me once I'm there.
Forgive this rant, I've been bottling it up inside for a couple of weeks and had a bad eating/workout week because of it but I'm back now (since yesterday). So here I am, in all my glory. (while you're here, say hi to my bingo wings!)
Throughout the years, I, as I'm confident all of you can relate, have encountered my fair share of people's "concern" over my weight. Their "well meaning" comments/suggestions/etc. I am not unfamiliar with the "You're so pretty! Why don't you lose weight?", all of which I grew to resent more and more as time progressed.
So here I am, 100lbs down (for the second time, almost. actually lighter than I have been since I think I was in middle school) with another about, I wanna say 60lbs to go? (I understand I won't know where I'll be happy until I get there, so it's just a guestimate) Anyway, so yeah, 100lbs down, and for the first time in my life having done it with diet AND exercise, and what have I noticed?
a) My body isn't looking how I want it to yet. I thought I'd look so much thinner at 203. I thought I'd have tightened up, that I wouldn't have bingo wings, didn't ever think I'd have jiggly loose skinned upper thighs. This is all secondary to what I wanted, which was to be NOT 300lbs anymore, but I can't help but be motivated by the continued hope that I will achieve the body I've always fantasized about having.
b) All those IDIOTS, NOSY, SELF RIGHTEOUS, PRETENTIOUS MORONS who ever commented on my weight when I wasn't doing anything about it have nothing honestly encouraging or supportive to say now that I AM doing something about it. I don't know about you, but having been above 200lbs most of my life, getting within 4lbs of being in "Onederland" is kind of a humungous deal. Like, I kind of want to shout it from the rooftops. After all the pain 23 years of emotional pain from a society ostracizing me and saying it's my fault, then all the physical pain of the exercise, the tears i've had to stifle so as to not embarrass myself when I choose not to eat what I shouldn't, all the effort, and all of the focus and discipline on TOP of having to hear your mouth run about how my body affects you and all I get is a "Wow that's great!"? *kitten*. YOU.
I'll be honest, I started this journey to better my life, but I think a huge motivator was what I thought other people's reactions were going to be considering they'd been "waiting" for this for so long ( i mean, they'd been talking about it since I can remember so my life MUST be that important to them, right?) but now, I think my focus is switching. I don't want their approval any more. I want my weight loss, my achievement, to be the biggest middle finger they've ever seen. And I hope it's so big, they're intimidated by it and don't bother trying to approach me once I'm there.
Forgive this rant, I've been bottling it up inside for a couple of weeks and had a bad eating/workout week because of it but I'm back now (since yesterday). So here I am, in all my glory. (while you're here, say hi to my bingo wings!)
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Replies
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Great job on the weight you have lost already! I have similar "well meaning" people in my life and I limit my time around them because they offer little encouragement and I feel like I am their whipping child so they can feel better about themselves.
Keep focusing on what makes YOU feel better and you will reach your ultimate goal in no time!0 -
That is SUCH a perfect description, whipping child. Yeah, it's such a turn off that I feel so little motivation to continue putting effort into those friendships. (you know the ones, the "hot girls" with the fat friend.) the less fat I get, it seems the less news I get about her life, the less communication and the more forced the responses are. Whatever.
I didn't think I'd ever need to be a part of the weight loss community, probably because I didn't think I'd confront these types of reactions even from family (like nuclear family sometimes) and I'm realizing that we have to be there for each other. (former fatties for whom this whole lifestyle change has finally clicked)
you keep doing what you're doing too! when their stupidity gets to you, just remember, doing nothing got us no results, but doing something will. doesn't matter when we see them, or if any one else cares, but this time will pass and as long as we keep going, we WILL get there!0 -
You are doing an amazing job and judging from your profile picture, you are a lovely young lady.
People don't realize how what the say, especially to a child, can affect them for the rest of their lives. Hopefully they will see the changes you are making, physically and emotionally. If not...that's their loss. Some people don't want to see us succeed, no matter what they say. It makes them feel better if we are struggling. Sad but true.
People that truly care about you will be supportive, no matter what.
And....WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! Almost to Onderland! You go girl!0 -
Hahaha, i see how that picture might have seemed like a prayer circle, but no. That was at a party this past weekend. I don't know what we were doing, but whatever.
Yeah, I'm noticing that what you said is true. Sometimes some people do feel better when they see others struggling. I just never thought it would come from these specific people, you know? But whatever, I guess it is what it is.
And thanks!!! I can't wait til next month's weigh in/measurements!!! (or would it be this month!!
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You and I weigh about the same right now.
I understand completely about this not being what was expected...and about the "whipping child." A frenemy of 20 years is falling by the wayside because she seems to resent that I'm feeling better about myself. I've done better with MFP than she has on WW. I'm more focused on the positives than the negatives and I am less willing to put up with someone acting like they're doing me a favor being my friend. She only seems happy when I'm not...then acts supportive, but it never comes off as geniune. So I'm branching out, meeting new people, and feeling much happier about life in general.0 -
Some people shouldn't be in our lives. Sounds like you have identified a few of them. Keep up the hard work. Don't let other people's opinions one way or the other choose for you what you are going to do to be healthy. If you always listen to other's opinions you will never be healthy emotionally which will prevent you from being healthy physically.0
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congratulations on the weight loss!0
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Congratulations on your loss. You should be proud and not listen to All those IDIOTS, NOSY, SELF RIGHTEOUS, PRETENTIOUS MORONS. Do this for you and how good you feel.0
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You are beautiful and amazing! Congratulations! And you've learned, all those that were so mean to you when you were heavier aren't congratulating you because THEY'RE MEAN PEOPLE. Doesn't matter your size. Keep up the good work!0
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You're doing a really great job, 100 lbs down is inspiring! A word of caution though - make sure to evaluate your conversations fairly. Sometimes it's not a "hot girl with a fat friend thing". Sometimes, its the person losing weight who talks about next to nothing other than their weight loss effort and doesn't give any interest in the other persons life back - a person might close someone like that off. It's the golden rule - give someone in a relationship what you hope to get back. You are the best judge of the relationship though so it is very possible it IS a "hot girl with a fat friend" thing. But friendship in life is a big deal, you know (what is life without the relationships that make it worthwhile)? It's good to make sure to look at it from all angles before cutting someone out. But if that person is truly toxic, then you must be confident and well informed enough to know you don't need that person.0
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I appreciate all the encouragement and support! I really need it and can't wait for the opportunity to support others on this journey.
VeryKatie, I completely understand where you're coming from! When I wrote the original post, I was referring to a few people in my life (best friend, sister and mom) and actually brought it up to my sister and my mom. My sister admitted to being jealous and my mom genuinely didn't want to rock the boat because I do have a tendency to minimize my accomplishments and yell at her when she makes a big deal of them. As far as my friend, I don't know that I will bring it up to her unless it becomes a pattern.
I do understand about it being the only thing one talks about, but I've never been "it's all about me" in any relationship. I generally have always been a giver so I'm pretty sure it's not that. I will be more mindful though, because, who knows? there's always a first time for everything.0 -
I lost a bunch of weight before and gained it all back and then some. Same experience. The kudos when you are thinner are less than 5% of the "concerns" when you are bigger.
I think it's a combiniation of things:
1. Those who have always been thin see it as the "normal" state. Nothing to discuss, you are just "normal". When you are obese, there is something to talk about
2. Some people are jealous of your accomplishment. You remind them of things THEy wish they would change in their lives
3. Some are happy for you but don't want to mention it and imply I was a fat pig before
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I appreciate all the encouragement and support! I really need it and can't wait for the opportunity to support others on this journey.
VeryKatie, I completely understand where you're coming from! When I wrote the original post, I was referring to a few people in my life (best friend, sister and mom) and actually brought it up to my sister and my mom. My sister admitted to being jealous and my mom genuinely didn't want to rock the boat because I do have a tendency to minimize my accomplishments and yell at her when she makes a big deal of them. As far as my friend, I don't know that I will bring it up to her unless it becomes a pattern.
I do understand about it being the only thing one talks about, but I've never been "it's all about me" in any relationship. I generally have always been a giver so I'm pretty sure it's not that. I will be more mindful though, because, who knows? there's always a first time for everything.
The bolded bit really stands out to me. As overweight, self-conscious people, we often spend so much time, over many years, rejecting compliments and praise, arguing back when we're told we look good or are achieving something and so when we start losing weight and actually achieving, the people around us are suffering from rejection fatigue - they've given up complimenting us because it always leads to them being pushed back.
Then, because we're finally gaining some self esteem, we're hyper-aware that we are not receiving the praise we have in the past, because we are finally starting to feel like we're in a position to appreciate it. Really, we bring this on ourselves. I know I have had friends who I stopped complimenting because I got SO sick of having my well meant compliement rejected and denigrated.
Learning to take a compliment is one of the best favours you can do yourself. It's also basic manners, frankly.0 -
People tend to think that when you lose weight you change, I have heard how haughty or conceited people can get when the weight loss really shows. No, it's not that it is as you mentioned you just get tired of the comments and treatment and just reach a point where you are doing it for yourself and that is all that matters. I have lost friends, have become closer to some who were just associates and though I still have weight to lose I get the comments about how great it is that I am keeping the weight off. You are doing great, keep working on things for yourself and realize while some will genuinely be happy for you others will secretly (or not so secretly) envy your success and not know how to handle it.0
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Alatariel, you're right. I've never been really very good at accepting complements because I either felt unworthy or as though people were doing it out of pity, or that they were secretly making fun of me a la Regina George.
The fact of the matter is, you're right, we all need to accept and acknowledge our unique strengths and weaknesses and that just because we aren't at our best, that doesn't diminish the fact that we've accomplished something worthwhile.
Adc7225, thank you. I really appreciate your supportive and understanding words!
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I felt the same way. Losing weight has not necessarily provided me with this tight body... I have skin flapping on my arms but I am getting my weight down, I am losing inches and just hoping that I can firm up. But, really, like you I am happy not to be at my original weight.
I think you have got the right idea, this is about you and this is about not being 300 lbs anymore. I have yo-yo'd over the last years and felt encouraged when I lost weight only to be discouraged by family members when they said... "geez, I hope you can keep it off". That doubt seemed to transform me into a self-doubting idiot who turned around and ate.
This time I am not sharing my weight loss journey with them. I am not talking to them about it but I am treating myself as I lose... new top, scarf, something to make me feel good about the weight loss. At the end of the day, it really is about you and although it would be nice to think that you have support from them you really have to push "you" to the front of this journey. Now is the time to really make your life all about making you the best and healthiest that you can be. Truly your "real" friends will jump in and support you when and if needed.
Best of luck. You CAN do it. Your attitude will get you there.0 -
Hi Vnessuh! you look fantastic !!!!!!!!!! I came from 230 , lost 95, kept it off for 17 years, trust me when I say everything will fall into its own toned place prepare yourself for 'oh your to skinny you should stop now"
lol haters will always be there0 -
I know how you feel. I've gone from 275lbs to now about 213. I've had this idea in my head my whole life that when I felt like it I could lose weight and I'd look great in a bathing suit. Perhaps a nice white bikini. The reality is quite disappointing. I was resting my arm on the window sil in the car the other day and happened to glance into the little rear view mirror on the door and notice the disgusting skin under my arm. My belly is like a half risen loaf of bread. I seem to have got alot more wrinkly in general. It's quite gross, I think I looked better when my meat sack was filled out more. But I am 40 and have a family history of heart disease and diabetes, so even if I was happier fat (and used to it) I need to lose weight for my health.
I've noticed people will make alot of snarky comments, especially the ones you've become thinner than now. Not that I actually give a crap what they think. I am curious if I'll always be "the fat girl" in their minds, just like I seem to be in mine. I don't feel any different, and I can't really see much of a change in the mirror.0 -
You are gorgeous! I don't even know you and I'm proud of you! I too, have "bingo arms" - I started developing them at age 14, and I was a skinny, bony teen girl.
- They're presents from my lovely grandma's DNA and I think the only way I will ever be able to beat them is by cutting them off.0 -
Thanks, Jt! I think ultimately it all kind of comes down to genetics, doesn't it? like my grandmother gained weight up top, so does my mom, and so do my sister and I. My mother has arms like mine although I don't think my grandmother did. I'm gonna keep working REEEEEEALLY hard to get rid of them without having to cut them off!0
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Love your story!! I wanted to get up and cheer at this line "I want my weight loss, my achievement, to be the biggest middle finger they've ever seen." Congrats on your achievements so far! 0
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I love your story and am amazed that you are losing again? What a woman. I am in the middle of reading How I lost 150 lbs forever by Diane Carbonell. It is such a great book; you might want to read it as it refers to all the people who want to help you and talks about all her continual struggles with losing weight. I am really learning a lot of helpful coping strategies in her book. Try Amazon Prime. No matter how much weight you have lost it is never enough and no matter how much weight you still have to lose it seems like such a up hill climb, but you are doing great. 60 more lbs is nothing and you can lose it all and keep it off. Good luc!0
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