My girlfriend doesn't know how much I weigh.

LJSpady
LJSpady Posts: 311 Member
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
I'll start by saying that my girlfriend and I are both overweight. In fact, all 5 (including me) of the people living in my apartment are overweight, though to varying degrees. Most of the rest of them are fairly open with their weights, which is totally foriegn to me. Growing up, I guess I was taught that you never discuss a lady's age or weight. I know, I know, that sounds like I was taught to be ashamed of less desirable things about myself, and that's not good, blah, blah, blah... My weight IS something to be ashamed of. I let myself get to a very bad place, and I just finally found it in myself to do something about it (I am proud of myself for deciding to change my habits).
Anyway, so ever since I started my weight loss journey about a month ago, my girlfriend keeps asking how much I weigh and I still havn't told her. Part of me feels bad, because she seems pretty sad about me not telling her, but at the same time, I just don't want to share that with her. She likes to guess, which kinda makes it worse. You see, her dad just got a physical for his job and weighed in at 340 lbs. She herself weighs 270, so she's come to the conclusion that I must weigh between 270 and 340. I guess because she can tell I'm heavier than she is, but I guess I carry my weight a lot better than her father, because she keeps saying, "well you can't weight more than dad does, can you?"
But I do. When I started last month I weighed in at 375. Everytime she starts guessing she ends up making me feel worse, cause it's like:

Her: Tell me!
Me: No.
Her: 300?
Me: I'm not going to tell you.
Her: 325?
Me: Are you listening to me?
Her: It's ok if you weigh 325. At least you don't weight almost 350, like dad.



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I'm just so sick of her bothering me about it, but she makes me feel so bad every time she brings it up that I feel like she'll judge me if I tell her....

Replies

  • TS65
    TS65 Posts: 1,024 Member
    Tell her to STFU. :laugh: ok, ok, just kidding (you can dream can't you?) :tongue: Maybe you can make a deal with her. When you get to under 300, you'll tell her how much your starting weight was. BUT... that would mean you can't tell her... Yay, I lost xx lbs this week (because then she could do the math! :noway: ) By that time, she'll just be proud (and probably a bit shocked! I wish someone told me I look like I weighed 50-75 lbs less!) :wink: Just a thought.

    My husband doesn't know how much I weigh either... and I'm not telling him. EVER.
  • amymunn
    amymunn Posts: 115 Member
    :[:[
  • hush7hush
    hush7hush Posts: 2,273 Member
    Tell her that it makes you feel bad when she asks, and that a number shouldn't be an issue.
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    i know its hard, but i think you should just tell her.
    i was so nervous to tell my boyfriend how much i weight, but now i can give him weekly updates and he cheers me on. it keeps you in check with how intrack you are. i to carry my weight good, i weigh 180+ lbs
    <even in this pic.
    i know its hard to be open, but if this person is close with you then she should be just fine with how much you weigh.
  • Lollyvoddy
    Lollyvoddy Posts: 194 Member
    Damn, that's tough. I was going to say, just tell her, but then when she is saying things about not being as big as her dad, well, darn, what to do?! I was a bit scared of telling my husband how much I weighed to, so I just blogged about it. I knew he'd read the blog, so it was an easier way to tell him. Good luck with your weight loss.
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
    just explain that you're not comfortable discussing it yet, but when you are, she'll be the first to know.
  • theladebug
    theladebug Posts: 54 Member
    I can totally relate to your post. I have an ex boyfriend who I still see from time to time who is completely obsessed with my weight. I know he likes bigger women, I mean he dated me after all (although I've gained weight since we broke up). Even to this day he is constantly asking me how much I weigh and really pressing me on the subject.

    Then if I give him any sort of ballpark he goes on and on about how heavy it is.

    I know he is ok with me at any weight, and he likes bigger women.... but going on and on about it still makes me feel awful. And then I avoid him for awhile.

    So I can relate, but I dont know what to recommend to make it better :(
  • dragonbug300
    dragonbug300 Posts: 760 Member
    Honestly, I'm surprised it's such a big deal to her. I never ask anyone's weight--although my male friends tend to discuss it casually.

    I won't say there's nothing to be ashamed of. No one likes admitting to being overweight to any degree, especially if your girlfriend weighs less.

    Maybe you could have a frank discussion with her. You're on this website for a reason--I'm assuming that you want to change your lifestyle, lose weight, and become healthier. Talk to your girl about that. You could even check in with her along the way--"I've lost x pounds!" and go out to celebrate or something. She can still be included without knowing your exact weight.

    I really understand where you're coming from. I don't like to tell people my weight, although technically I'm underweight. I don't like to be defined by a number when I feel healthy and take care of myself. Intention and action should count more than current weight because you will get to a lower number, but you're just not there yet.
  • Mamapengu
    Mamapengu Posts: 250
    My husband doesn't tell me how much he weighs. He is much smaller than I am (same height....) He told me once and I felt horrible knowing how much more I weighed and he must have seen how depressed I got. If I ask specifically he'll tell me something non-specific (gained a few pounds last week, dropped a few, or pants are loose). I suspect how much he weighs but respect his desire to not get into the 'how much' conversation. You could try the same, or tell her how close you are to your goal without saying specifically what your goal is... Or pick a non-scale goal (pant or shirt size)?
  • HolsDoinIt
    HolsDoinIt Posts: 327 Member
    I agree just tell her your feeling when she asks you how much you weigh and won't let it go. my girlfriend know show much I weigh but I'm more open about it because she is open to me about hers..You could always tell her that you arent comfortable telling her just yet; she should respect that atlease. good luck though..
  • mes1921
    mes1921 Posts: 71 Member
    As much as I hated it, I started telling my boyfriend. That way he could celebrate some of the milestones with me, like getting out of the 190's. He's been very supportive, and never would have guessed my weight otherwise. I like being able to tell him, cuz I know he's the one person always on my side and never one to judge. :-)
  • bellabambina89
    bellabambina89 Posts: 11
    Tell her that it makes you feel bad when she asks, and that a number shouldn't be an issue.

    I agree with you. My boyfriend knows how much I weigh, because I willingly tell him. He's helping me with my weight loss...Just by supporting me and cheering me on. And that's what you need OP, you need the support to keep going. When you get down to 300, it's up to you. I know how you feel about being ashamed of your weight because I used to be in the same boat.
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
    My boyfriend and I are both losing weight with MFP. I didn't even open my food diary to him until about 2 weeks in (we do not live in the same state), so you can imagine that disclosing weight is completely verboten. I also have asked that he not tell me his weight . He respects my wishes, and frankly -- your girlfriend should really respect you and stop asking you. Tell her one final time that you refuse to answer and leave the room, or even the house.

    I'm sorry you're being put in that awkward position.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    My husband does and doesn't know how much I weigh. We talk about it occasionally because I'm trying to lose weight and he's trying to gain. It was really terrible when he weighed 20 pounds less than me, he didn't know it, but it made me feel like total crap. Once we started on our goals and started closing the gap between our weights I started talking about it more. But before I started trying to lose weight, when I weighed 195, he had no idea I was so heavy. When I finally told him, after losing 20 pounds, he was shocked.

    Thankfully, he has a terrible memory and it's not something we talk about often! So we tell each other how much we weigh once in a while, but he doesn't often remember.

    My advice is to just tell her. I know her pestering is bothersome and it makes you feel bad. I know you're ashamed of how much you weigh and you don't want anyone to know. But. You're in a relationship with her and if it's serious there should be no reason not to be honest with her. She'll probably be surprised, but she may be even more supportive of your efforts if she knows. In itself, this isn't a big secret to keep, but it sounds like keeping it a secret is making it bigger than it needs to be and if you don't tell her it's going to become a huge issue. It's just a number on the scale, don't give it more meaning.
  • Titanosaurus
    Titanosaurus Posts: 11
    Without being judgmental or being offensive to you, I am just curious as to why it is so important to her that you tell her? Does she just need to hear you say it? Would she then find something else to question you repeatedly about? I'm confused because usually when someone is concerned about their spouse/significant other's health, they try to be supportive. Did she question your weight before you began to pursue your goal? I would be very curious to hear her side; not that I don't believe you but I can't understand what she hopes to achieve by doing this. It obviously only makes you feel worse. It's hard enough when you are unhappy with yourself. I know about that. I never looked at myself in the mirror. My stomach was big; like 308 pounds big. I'm 6 feet tall and it made me look like a big troll. I have been at my exercise and eating plan for two months and have made great changes but I still can't look in the mirror; I still am not happy with myself. When the person you love acts like that, it just makes it worse and she needs to know that. I wonder if she is afraid that if you pursue your goal and get in the shape you want to be in that you will find someone else more attractive. It seems to me that she is worried about that and making you feel bad will keep you from moving forward.
  • Cadenpet
    Cadenpet Posts: 79
    I understand! My girlfriend is tiny and athletic...talking about size ten pants that are just so big on her now. Just ugh.

    I would say if you aren't comfortable with it don't tell her. And tell her that. Say I love you but that's my business and I don't feel comfortable sharing that. She will understand. She surely heard the same things growing up that you don't ask a lady her age or weight. You can tell her down the road if you feel the need. But that isn't a pressure you ever have to give into even when you get to your goal weight.
  • BobertC
    BobertC Posts: 123
    I started to do something about it when I weighted in at 377. sad thing is I was starting to be more active before then so I have no Idea how heavy I really was. I was embarrassed to tell anyone and when people guessed they always put me around 300ish. One thing that makes me feel worse is that I am down to 310 now and acquaintances see it more than my own family :frown:

    I just keep telling my self that it doesn't matter because I am doing this for me but I'm starting to enjoy my time in the gym more than my time at home. it gets me down sometimes but I'm starting to see some changes in my energy and agility so things are looking up, they will for you too.
  • BeesKnees
    BeesKnees Posts: 25
    I know one thing, I definitely felt liberated once I got over the shame of a number. It's just that-- A NUMBER! I understand how you feel though, because I felt that way for a long long time. But once you own it, and get over it as this thing with such a HUGE amount of shame attached to it, you will feel so much better.
    That being said, I really question why your girlfriend would be so obsessed with knowing that number? I think I would feel really insecure if my husband was constantly badgering me to tell him how much I weigh. Why? I think you need to tell her that you will tell her when you're ready, which may never be! Tell her that it's making you feel 10x's worse about yourself, and it needs to stop. The end. And if she continues to bring it up, I would just walk away. I think it's not very nice of her.

    Hope that wasn't too harsh.
    Big hugs!! And congrats on getting here. You can do this!! :)
  • angp7711
    angp7711 Posts: 324 Member
    I am thinking you should maybe just tell her and she will probably just drop it. I have almost always weighed more than my husband and there was shame associated with it but he is very supportive of me and there was only love not judgement in the conversation. He was very concerned for me when I was at my highest and that hurt almost more than any judgment could but him actually knowing how much I needed to lose and how serious a problem my weight was helped him understand. Now we are in a competition because he weighs 161 and I am bouncing around 163 and I want to weigh less him again. We have come a long way and maybe your girlfriend could join you in your changes for a better health.
  • brittanyscherich
    brittanyscherich Posts: 355 Member
    Wow. I'm sorry :( I wont tell my husband my weight and he doesnt know my size either. He onced guessed my weight at 100lbs omg i love him lol.
    I remember once I was discussing my weight with a friend and how i hate being fat... and she was like' you're not fat. fat is like.. 200lbs." and i weigh 230 :(
  • jwd28
    jwd28 Posts: 765
    I put off telling my husband how much I weighed for a long time. When I finally did tell him, he didn't believe me - he thought I weighed about 20 pounds less. It DID make me feel bad - especially because (my perception of) his reaction to "the number" was less than supportive.

    Now that some time has passed, I've lost weight, and he's jumped on the weight loss bandwagon too, I'm glad he knows. Its just easier. And, I feel like there should be at least one person in your life that you can tell ALL of your secrets to. Even the ones you're ashamed of. That said, I also think she should respect your feelings if you're just not ready to tell her. If you really don't want her to know, I would have a heart to heart with her and let her know how bad it makes you feel when she constantly bugs you about it. Hopefully, she'll respect your feelings and let it go.

    Best of luck :)
  • sarahbear1981
    sarahbear1981 Posts: 610 Member
    Maybe you can make a deal with her. When you get to under 300, you'll tell her how much your starting weight was. BUT... that would mean you can't tell her... Yay, I lost xx lbs this week (because then she could do the math! :noway: ) By that time, she'll just be proud (and probably a bit shocked!

    I think I agree with this poster. It seems to be some good advice!
  • jessie580
    jessie580 Posts: 87
    I got like 35 pounds up on my girlfriend so I get pretty embarassed sometimes, but I don't care LOL I tell her! I show her! especially since I am losing weight.

    BUT, I would tell her how it hurts your feelings. If she loves and cares for you, she will stop...It's not nice!
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    I don't see why you have to tell anyone but your doctor your weight. I've never told any partner what I weighed, nor did they seriously press me for a number. The only time I ever asked a partner their weight was because I was purchasing a gift certificate for flying lessons and it was required information.

    And I also honestly do not see why it is so important to your girlfriend to know. :huh: It would be a different story if you were not disclosing a health issue like diabetes or heart disease. But the weight itself is a totally arbitrary thing that has no meaning in and of itself. She shouldn't keep pushing you on it after you've said that you do not wish to disclose it.

    I think the girlfriend is the one with the problem in this scenario, not you.
  • oBirdieo
    oBirdieo Posts: 148
    I totally understand where you're coming from and feel/felt the same way about sharing my weight with anyone.

    BUT.

    I finally broke down and told my husband how much I weighed when I started MFP (10 days ago). And I have to tell you it was the most freeing experience. I have nothing to hide from him. Yep, I weighed 322 pounds, and now I don't. And I never will again. So that 322 doesn't matter. It was just a number. :smile:
  • LJSpady
    LJSpady Posts: 311 Member
    Wow. I'm sorry :( I wont tell my husband my weight and he doesnt know my size either. He onced guessed my weight at 100lbs omg i love him lol.
    I remember once I was discussing my weight with a friend and how i hate being fat... and she was like' you're not fat. fat is like.. 200lbs." and i weigh 230 :(

    I hate when people make comments like that! Another friend of mine was like "I swear people who weigh more than 300 lbs should all be shipped off to fat camp." I responded with "Yeah, and all left handed people should have their left arms broken over and over again until they learn to write well with their right hands." She appologized for being a B***h, but still, that tells me that 1. She clearly didn't think I weighed more than 300 and 2. That at least some people (even if they don't do it openly) will judge me because of my weight.

    I think that's just one of the catch 22's of being so big. It's really very hard for people to figure out how much you weigh just by looking at you.
  • LJSpady
    LJSpady Posts: 311 Member

    I think the girlfriend is the one with the problem in this scenario, not you.

    Yeah, I definitely feel like she's the one with the insecurities. Her mother had a heart attack about 2 years ago, and after she was released from the hospital her whole family went on a post-heart attack diet. She lost 40+ lbs in a year just by changing her eating habits (her mom lost 100+), but then a year ago her dad left her mom and caused a lot of drama in her family, she's gained all of the weight back and then some since last may, and I think she's really wanting to have a feeling of "Well, at least I'm not as bad as such and such (she gained more weight back than her sister and her former roommate). For the longest time she's been saddled with being one of the heaviest people in her life, and now I think she's trying to use me and my weight to make herself feel better.
    *sigh*
    For my own personal mental health I don't want to be her "heavier than me" scapegoat.
    I had originally planned to tell her after I hit my first weight loss goal in July, but I didn't anticipate her being so pestering.
  • LJSpady
    LJSpady Posts: 311 Member

    I think the girlfriend is the one with the problem in this scenario, not you.

    Yeah, I definitely feel like she's the one with the insecurities. Her mother had a heart attack about 2 years ago, and after she was released from the hospital her whole family went on a post-heart attack diet. She lost 40+ lbs in a year just by changing her eating habits (her mom lost 100+), but then a year ago her dad left her mom and caused a lot of drama in her family, she's gained all of the weight back and then some since last may, and I think she's really wanting to have a feeling of "Well, at least I'm not as bad as such and such (she gained more weight back than her sister and her former roommate). For the longest time she's been saddled with being one of the heaviest people in her life, and now I think she's trying to use me and my weight to make herself feel better.
    *sigh*
    For my own personal mental health I don't want to be her "heavier than me" scapegoat.
    I had originally planned to tell her after I hit my first weight loss goal in July, but I didn't anticipate her being so pestering.
  • lil_pulp
    lil_pulp Posts: 701 Member
    Point out to her very clearly that you feel uncomfortable disclosing your weight. Then ask her why her nosiness is more important than your comfort.

    (And now for some unsolicited advice, which you should feel free to skip: Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship, but her pestering you about such a stupid thing makes her come across as kind of controlling and unsupportive. If this is accurate, you might want to reconsider your relationship, as this kind of thing doesn't generally get better with time.)

    Good luck!

    -LP
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