I've had a life changing revelation!

I joined here in 2011 looking to lose the weight I gained after retiring. I lost that and more and maintained for quite a while before gaining several pounds back. I've struggled to get back to where I was, with sporadic success. I've seen several people on my friends list facing similar issues....losing it, maintaining, regaining a bit followed by an inability to re-lose. I've finally figured it out, at least for me.

As a background, I spent some of my early teens up to early 20's slightly overweight. While I was growing up my father was VERY focused on my weight, the family eating habits, exercise, etc. I hated him for it. If I began to eat something he thought I shouldn't have he'd say "do you really think you need that". He forced me to do some jogging, mow the lawn, etc. as a way to get exercise. Looking back, I know he did it to help me be healthy, and his intentions were good. His methods were not good, especially the things he said to me about my weight and mocking me for eating certain things. I've long since forgiven him for his misguided "guidance" but that voice took up residence in my head and has controlled my relationship with food since then.

Fast forward to my early 20's, when I'd graduated college, moved out of my parents house and ultimately met the man who would become my husband. He thought I was perfect just the way I was. But within a few months of meeting him I began to inexplicably lose weight. The pounds were melting off without me trying, I could eat whatever I wanted and the pounds just dropped away. I went to every kind of doctor, had every test imaginable, because I was convinced something must be dreadfully wrong with me for this weight to be coming off without even trying, especially after having spent so many years trying to drop those pounds. What was really odd was that the father who was so critical when I was a chubby teen was now telling me I was too skinny, at 125 pounds (I am 5'3" tall). After over a year of medical tests my new PCP (who I found as part of that whole process, and who I still go to over 25 years later), dug a little deeper into the details of my childhood. She felt that there was nothing physically wrong with me causing the weight loss. She said it was the act of moving out of my parents house, without the badgering by my father, that caused me to finally be able to "let go" of those pounds. Basically, once I was no longer under my father's thumb and subject to his criticism, my body released those pounds. It made sense to me.

I kept that weight off for years, it was only after hitting 40, and retiring a few years later, that they returned. I came here with a goal of 125 and got down to 115 (which in retrospect was actually too thin for me), maintained around 118 for a long while, then the scale inched up again. I got back up to 125 and hated myself for it, even though it was a very healthy weight for me. I still felt like a failure for gaining some back. I beat myself up, monitored every morsel, even the "bad" ones, over exercised and developed some bad habits (border-line binge eating of certain foods). I hated social events that required me to eat in a restaurant, I hated dressing up to go out, despite the fact that all my new clothes were bought when I hit 125 on the way down, so they still fit. I was one unhappy camper but I couldn't drop those pounds. I was very focused on the number on the scale and allowed it to dictate my mood. I got to 123 and stayed there for months. I hated that number but it wouldn't budge.

I began to slowly come to the realization that I needed to change my relationship with food, if only for my mental well-being. I tried to focus on being healthy not losing. I allowed myself to relax some days instead of always feeling like I had to be moving. And in the last month or so I've had a major revelation................when I got back up to 125 again I had begun to treat myself like my father did all those years ago. I was the nasty voice in my own head. I had become my own worst enemy. Something clicked inside me, FINALLY! I'm working on eating more intuitively. I'm relaxing more and being kinder to myself. This weekend I actually left the house in jeans and pretty sweater and FORGOT to look in the mirror, let alone examine all my flaws from every angle. Last night my mother reminded me about our plans for the day today, taking my Niece to the mall to see the Frozen exhibit and then lunch. I remembered the plans but FORGOT they included lunch. FORGOT!!! Six months ago I would have been agonizing over the lunch plans, worrying about over-eating, and generally losing the enjoyment of the day to the battle in my head.

I feel like I finally found a way to live my life and be happy in my skin. At the age of 51, I'm learning to look in the mirror and look for the things I like about my body. I'm eating more like a "normal" person, while still using MFP to track. But I'm not allowing it to rule me. I've decided that I'd like to get back down to 120 but I'm not willing to go crazy to get there. I believe that 120 would be a good place for me, mentally and physically. And I am really concentrating on the mental part of this journey this time. And guess what? This morning I got on the scale.....and dropped down to 121.2. After eating more than I was 6 months ago and NOT over-exercising, I'm on the way back down. I firmly believe that the "mind-body" connection had been limiting me and now I'm reversing that!

I know this is long and for those of you that didn't give up and actually read the whole thing, Thank you! Part of the reason for writing it is I feel so darn good to have finally figured some of this out that I needed to share. Its an "ah ha" moment that's been a long time coming!Another reason for sharing is that I know a number of people are facing similar struggles and maybe this will help someone.