Ownership

I am posting this because I firmly believe that thinking it and saying it is one thing, but once it's written down somewhere it's real and I have to take ownership.

Wow what a strange crazy trip it's been! I started out by eliminating junk and processed foods, eating healthy and clean, doing Nutribullet shakes for lunch, eating a ton of fruit and veggies, lean meats, keeping everything low or no fat, tons of exercise, yogurt, apples, healthy snacks and normal dinners. In less than a year I dropped close to 80 lbs!

Then the obsession set in and I wanted to lose more and more, kept on my plan as stated above, tried supplements here and there and became underweight. I set an unrealistic number for a goal and I hit that number knowing there was no way I could sustain that weight. At 5'5" i got myself down to 113 lbs. I looked sick so I bumped my weight back up to 120 and stayed between 115 to 120.

I have gone through a number of changes and tweaks, trial and error with my nutrition plan my most recent one being Paleo.

I love Paleo, I feel great physically and the food is wonderful. No cravings, good workouts and muscle tone. The problem is I have made the classic mistake of eating too much on Paleo. That along with a combination of snacking at night has added some weight back on. Not a lot but enough to make me re-think my plan again.

This is not an excuse to eat and I have never been an emotional eater, nor am I looking for sympathy, but my mother is dying and if that isn't bad enough, she is dying from a combination of Lupus, Scleroderma and multiple system atrophy. In other words, she can't walk, she can't eat, she can barely speak or breath well, her systems are failing, she pretty much sleeps all of the time and when she's awake she is in severe pain, even with high doses of morphine 24/7. She is in hospice care at home and we all know that it could be any time now. Every time my phone rings I think it's that dreaded call. I love my mother and I'm not ready to lose her, but I can't stand seeing her in pain. It's a bad situation. I mention this because I know it's the cause of my snacking habits and weight gain. Feeling like I need to control something and the added stress.... It's a bad combination. I do believe if I wasn't eating high protein and healthy fats my body would most likely break down entirely.

So... with all of that on the table, I am going to make changes to my plan again, get back to the basics. If I can control how much I put into my body I can also control how much I restrict.

I know it's not all as simple as this... There are a lot of factors at play here but I am taking baby steps to get back on track and get back to the basics again.

This morning, I re-set my profile, goals, calories, etc. and I am going to go back to logging everything I eat on a daily basis. I will stay within my calorie range and I will continue to exercise daily as I have done in the past. I am going back to a low fat / non fat plan simply because that is truly when I felt the best in terms of being slim and light on my feet, energy.

I am going to consider the past several weeks a re-building period. I have given my body stuff to work with and now it's time to tear down again. Re-sculpt, re-tone and yes, lose the several pounds that I've gained.

So there it is, that's my declaration and my promise to myself. It's out here in writing. Now I have to execute.

Thanks everyone.