Am I unlovable because I am fat?

annabell136
annabell136 Posts: 9
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
I am thoroughly disgusted by an exchange I saw the other day between a co-worker and her child. The mother (who does not need to lose weight) says to her 6 year old son, “would you still love mommy if I gained weight?” to which the child responded “you’re not going to gain weight” Then the mom asks “would you still love me even if I was fat?” At this point, I had to get up and walk away. I am fat! I am also 10 feet away from the conversation so I can obviously hear it. What is she trying to say? Am I somehow unlovable because I am fat? Try telling that to my five year old daughter who loves me unconditionally or my husband. I was so offended and at the same time sad at the message this mother is sending to her child.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Replies

  • NYCDutchess
    NYCDutchess Posts: 622 Member
    WOW!!!! Why would a parent EVEN ask their child this??? That doesn't even make sense...
  • rigby_89
    rigby_89 Posts: 3 Member
    I am thoroughly disgusted by an exchange I saw the other day between a co-worker and her child. The mother (who does not need to lose weight) says to her 6 year old son, “would you still love mommy if I gained weight?” to which the child responded “you’re not going to gain weight” Then the mom asks “would you still love me even if I was fat?” At this point, I had to get up and walk away. I am fat! I am also 10 feet away from the conversation so I can obviously hear it. What is she trying to say? Am I somehow unlovable because I am fat? Try telling that to my five year old daughter who loves me unconditionally or my husband. I was so offended and at the same time sad at the message this mother is sending to her child.
    Has anyone else had a similar experience?

    On the flip side, I'm sure the child would still love their mother regardless of her weight, so maybe it was a more positive thing about unconditional love? Maybe that's not how it was meant, but I like to view things optimistically :)
  • pelleld
    pelleld Posts: 363 Member
    That is just sad and so wrong on so many levels..........
  • gtm124
    gtm124 Posts: 179
    To just answer your question. NO.
  • Kbelle2607
    Kbelle2607 Posts: 61 Member
    That's terrible! I can't believe anyone would say that to such a young and impressionable child. That's how people start to believe that they are valued only for their physical appearance... I want to be fit and healthy but I know that I am not my weight and I am not my physical appearance. A lot of people in my family are WAY overweight but I definitely wouldn't love them any more if they were skinny. That's just sad.
  • SMJ3
    SMJ3 Posts: 9 Member
    oH my goodness! Some people are just down right mean! I think that woman is brain washing her child. It's so sad. I can only imagine how that made you feel. Just remember that woman is very rude and you have a family that loves you unconditionally, You are a much better person regardless of your weight.
  • StartingOver4Me
    StartingOver4Me Posts: 192
    That breaks my heart!!!! I would never ask my child "Would you love me, even if..........." ANYTHIING!
  • poustotah
    poustotah Posts: 1,121 Member
    Okay, now this just irritates me because I was fat too. And you know every day I would walk into the kitchen and I would say, "I've lost 1 pound!" And my son (who was 5 at the time) would tell me, "mommy, you look hot!!!" And my daughter (who was 7) would tell me, "that's awesome mom, you're going to be around 1 pound longer when I grow up!" Now neither of them care how much I weigh or what I look like. Hubby doesn't care either. They all love me no matter what and THAT is what is important. They also help to support me. When I got pregnant (i'm current 7 months), all of them banded together and would say, "mom, I made you some whole grain toast and here's some carrots with it." Because they all know that eating healthy is important and they understand that eating bad makes mommy sit on the couch like a lump and they would rather go to the park. :-)

    So don't worry about this woman. You're doing the right thing for yourself and for your family and that unconditional love is SO much more important than anything else. And you aren't fat - you're fluffy. :-)
  • Just1forMe
    Just1forMe Posts: 624 Member
    That is horrible. She needs psychological help and the child needs a new mother. Why would you even plant that in a child's head? So the child thinks, "Gee, if I ever gain weight, my mommy won't love me"??? Crazy.
  • AEB_WV
    AEB_WV Posts: 323 Member
    I feel sorry for the kid being taught that
    1 - it is appropriate to refer to anyone as 'fat'
    2- that it is ok to 'test' their affection
    3- ok to disregard people around us when having a conversation in public....etc

    Will mommy still love him if he is 'bad'? Geesh that's just plain wrong!
  • catlady100
    catlady100 Posts: 154
    On the flip side as someone else said maybe the co-worker was trying to make a point to the child about loving people regardless of their size.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
    Someone's weight doesn't make the slightest difference to whether they are loveable or not. That's personality. Of course we all want to be a healthy weight, but that's all there is to it. Weight doesn't make someone a more or less valid person.

    I will never understand how people can attach their self worth to their weight. The two are not connected.
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    GIRL! I am steaming right now...EVERYONE is loveable and I repeat EVERYONE!!!!! I w=once over heard a conversation between a few men in the local pub that I visit often and myself and two girlfriends walked in the door...I heard the one say to the other, Those girls always have so much fun , the other said Yea they have pretty faces but are too big.........THIS IS A PHRASE I HATE TO HEAR!!! and all to often it gets said between men...The funny part is I recently went back into that bar with the same group of friends who I work out with and those same guys were there. CLASSIC THE one said to me HEY GIRL>>>>>What are you up to? my response...." OH NOT MUCH," his response..SO ARE YOU WITH ANYONE OR ARE YOU SINGLE.......My response as I looked across the room to find the heaviest man in the room and said " AS A MATTER OF FACT IM WITH HIM" He said laughing " HIM " ! I said YUP thats right, he is the one who didnt mind me when I had the weight on me unlike the *kitten* who is talking to me now !!!! and I walked away. It was priceless...need less to say I went over the the man I used as my boyfriend (who I had never met)gave him a random hug and bought him a drink ! People can be very shallow !
  • Dee1006
    Dee1006 Posts: 37
    My husband is almost 400lbs. I love him more than anything, he is my world. His weight is not about just food there is so many other things going on. Some people are so shallow and base there whole view on the look of a person rather than who that person is and what they have to offer i.e. love friendship etc.
  • dthompson9405
    dthompson9405 Posts: 29
    i kinda had an equally distrubing experience recently. while staying with a family member i heard a conversation that didnt sit well in my spirit. the mother (thick by all accounts, not near thin) told her children (boy and girl) that 'they couldnt have any more (junk food)' and the kids asked 'why' and the mother replied ' because if you eat too much junk food you will get fat, and fat is ugly. you dont want to be ugly do you?' she asked the kids. the kids being kids (3 & 7) said 'YES!' very excitably which made everyone laugh and they got the junk food they had wanted. it was funny and everyone moved on with the conversation but it didnt sit well with me and i cant forget it
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
    I think you are TOTALLY LOVED no matter your size, if you are a Loving person. But I will tell you something, when a child gets to be a teen, their peers mean sooo much to them and what/who is "cool" comes into play. Parents are judged not just on looks but everything. Kids become "ashamed" of their parents when they are teens...looks, the music they listen to, their clothes, their car...so get ready for that shift when kids get to be teens; but as I recall, it only lasts for a few years.
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    My husband is almost 400lbs. I love him more than anything, he is my world. His weight is not about just food there is so many other things going on. Some people are so shallow and base there whole view on the look of a person rather than who that person is and what they have to offer i.e. love friendship etc.


    couldnt have said it better myself!!!!!! I like everyone no matter the size, I dont even see size. She is selfish and totaly about her self to even put a child in that postion to answer such a bizzare question !!!! wench !
  • ChunTingO
    ChunTingO Posts: 225 Member
    im fat too but i know when i have children i would teach them to love unconditionally. To love themselves for who they are and to maintain self esteem without the need for outside forces like being happy at a certain weight, or being justified by a good grade to determine their worth. I refuse to damage my children telling them stuff that can scar them forever....sad
  • bloombabe26
    bloombabe26 Posts: 2
    Unfortunantly I have realized in my experience that personality SHOULD matter most of all, but first impressions are how people perceive you. There are some very shallow people out there who will judge you by your looks and this is very sad. You can be the sweetest, kindest, most generous person in the world but god forbid if you're overweight people will automatically think of you as not being able to have self control and all these other stereotypes. Looks shouldn't necessarily matter but in reality with a lot of people they do. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who are able to not care about weight and look at a person on the inside! However when I lose weight I notice some of my guy friends tend to look at me in a different light and THEN want to have something to do with me (Not like I want anything more to do with them then what I had before but you see my point). In conclusion, you're goal should always aim to be healthy, not other peoples ideal of beauty but your own because someone special WILL see and realize that you are perfect. <3
  • LarryPGH
    LarryPGH Posts: 349 Member
    Umm... is it possible that there's context to the conversation that you just didn't overhear? Like as in, maybe the child was expressing this kind of sentiment to his mom, so she was turning it back the other way as a teaching moment, so that her child would realize that weight isn't a basis for love? :huh:
  • Yarrum84
    Yarrum84 Posts: 57 Member
    If I were you, I'd be feeling very sorry for that mother and child!

    This mother obviously has a problem with her own weight, and sadly, her child can see that, and will grow up the same. Children can pick up on things. (Saying that, my daughter is 7 and the other week I was doing a diet and she was so helpful and great with it, but I'd rather she didn't know I was dieting, just healthy eating)
    I bet she's unhappy with herself, she'll probably be a bit insecure too.

    I've met lovely overweight people and lovely skinny people, I've also met horrible and mean people both skinny and large. Anyone can be loveable depending on their personality.

    If this was a dig at you, I'd just laugh it off, there isn't much you can do apart from wish that she gains 10stone lol ;)
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
    Believe it or not, it is My experience that the people who have the most problems with overweight/obese people are those that have lost weight a good amt of wt or those that are challenged all the time to keep their weight down and are freaks about their eating (obsessed with food, eating, exercise), they seem to "project" on people because of "fear" and intolerance. You even see it on MFP and other wt loss sites, in gyms, everywhere. I have been even called Value Meal (VM) by someone who had to have WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY to lose weight. I have even seen "overweight/plump" people say to someone else, "Do I look like that?" and others who laugh. They want affirmation that THEY are ok, others want to deflect eyes off of them...all are insecure/low self esteem.
  • bloombabe26
    bloombabe26 Posts: 2
    If I were you, I'd be feeling very sorry for that mother and child!

    This mother obviously has a problem with her own weight, and sadly, her child can see that, and will grow up the same. Children can pick up on things. (Saying that, my daughter is 7 and the other week I was doing a diet and she was so helpful and great with it, but I'd rather she didn't know I was dieting, just healthy eating)
    I bet she's unhappy with herself, she'll probably be a bit insecure too.

    I've met lovely overweight people and lovely skinny people, I've also met horrible and mean people both skinny and large. Anyone can be loveable depending on their personality.

    If this was a dig at you, I'd just laugh it off, there isn't much you can do apart from wish that she gains 10stone lol ;)



    I think children should be taught from an early age HEALTHY eating habits, I stress "healthy" because you want them to feel good about themselves. Learning to eat healthy foods, being relatively active, and spending time with family leads to a better lifestyle for the whole gang. BUT treats in moderation are okay and they shouldn't starve themselves for other people. Give them the tools they need and they will strive! Being like that mother? Pfft, that is a whole other plane of nonsense. My mother would have walked up to her and said something. I was always a little on the large side growing up and my mom was always thin, but she always told me how gorgeous I was and to see that no matter what everyone is beautiful. Its unfortunate the rest of the world might not see it that way :\
  • annabell136
    annabell136 Posts: 9
    I wish I could say that the optimistic posts were a possibility but unfortunately I know this woman too well.
  • annabell136
    annabell136 Posts: 9
    Umm... is it possible that there's context to the conversation that you just didn't overhear? Like as in, maybe the child was expressing this kind of sentiment to his mom, so she was turning it back the other way as a teaching moment, so that her child would realize that weight isn't a basis for love? :huh:

    No unfortunately not. Knowing this person the way I do, this is how she feels. Plus I have no doubt that part of why the conversation even happened was so she could slam me. This is just one of many things she has done to try and make me feel bad, this one just happened to sting a little more.
  • hollybaker22
    hollybaker22 Posts: 4
    Wow, let's see...That is about as offensive as being asked when i was due - WHEN I WAS NOT EXPECTING AT ALL!! Society still condones the skinny unhealthy looking models, and vanity is our biggest enemy. So much about peoples worth is placed upon how they look. Have once weighed 235 pounds and now weigh just over 115 can tell you first hand that for many people, looks do matter and sometimes more than what is inside. It saddens me to get attention now (unwanted), when all I did want when i was heavier was to feel accepted.

    You are not unlovable because you are fat! These people who have those type of conversations with their kids are keeping the cycle going of making those of us who do need to lose feel inadequate to suite their own validation. People who judge by those standards, truly are not capable of being loved because in reality they probably do not even love themselves.

    Keep your faith, keep your head held high. At least you have your dignity and respect for all humans, not just those who are pretty on the outside. This is what makes you pretty on both the inside AND the outside. :-)
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