Anorexic to obese..

Hi. I'm new here and I have come to share my story. So I have pretty much been struggling with an eating disorder, or should I say all 3 of them back and fourth my whole life. More recently however, I have gone from one extreme to another. Back in 2010/2011 I started to lose a drastic amount of weight, getting down to my lowest of 63 lbs. I ended up being hospitalized at 82 because of my chronically dropping potassium problem. Ended up staying in the hell hole for 2 weeks, getting a feeding tube and all sorts of various vitamins, IV and drugs that I had to take everyday. When I got out at 90lbs I had quickly gotten back down to my lowest of 63. Surprisingly, with all the vitamins and potassium supplements I was taking I managed to stay out of the hospital and work a full time job. I ate healthy but small, did a fair amount of walking and really knew how to limit eating junk food. This all lasted until about April 2013 when the eating disorder decided to go the other way. I had started the dreaded binge eating. At first it started off small but got worse and worse, very quickly. Within just 3 months, I had packed on a whopping 40 lbs. Sure that put me at a much healthier weight of being at 100 lbs and still needing a bit more to be at a "healthy weight" but it didn't stop there.

The binging became out of control. I started not to really care and the pounds would continually keep piling on. I was told that this was a "normal thing to occur after being so malnourished" and that the weight gain would stop. But it did not, at all. By December of last year I was nearly 150lbs. I don't know what to do with myself. I am heavier than I ever was now and I seriously am ashamed of myself. Going from a shockingly low weight to near obesity. I am struggling with other mental issues as well with major depression, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, chronic stress and insomnia. I want to so badly change and be thin again. Maybe not as bad as before but to a point where I actually look good. People tell me that I look "healthy" and "look good" but I know that they are lying. There's no way they are being honest about that, I am fat. Not only that, I do have many physical health problems too. I cannot walk up a hill without panting and losing my breath. I have been dealing with a stomach ulcer which has healed although I think it may be making a come back. There's a good possibility that I may be diabetic because of the symptoms I've been having. I know I need to join a gym and follow a strict diet, but everytime I make that promise to myself it just backfires and I end up doing the opposite. I feel absolutely disgusting. I feel ashamed to even leave my house so I stay in my room in isolation. I have asked my family for help and they think I am fine just because I've gained weight, I am not. I cannot afford counseling or a proper psychiatrist as it is much too expensive to pay on my own.

I don't really know where i'm going with this or why i'm even posting this, it's 5 am and I haven't slept a wink. I just want to actually feel motivated to work my way into a better body again, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I cannot let this happen any longer because the weight gain just won't stop. How can I make myself be motivated to start a much healthier life style that will get me in a much better shape and help the pounds melt off, without falling into my destructive, obsessive habits again?

Thanks alot,
Misty.