not fitness related but stress related

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denise_earheart
denise_earheart Posts: 354
in Introduce Yourself
Do any of you or have any of you ever had a friend you really really like but they are so self absorbed and only care about themselves and whats going on in their world?? I have tried to talk to this friend about it but they say "well if I am so horrible why are you still friends with me" and " since I am so horrible I will just stay away"debating on letting the friendship really go this time around even though I dont really have any friends here because I am new to Arizona.. Confused and sad. Am I wrong for wanting my friend to care and to ask how I am to and not only care about them and their significant other??

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  • leomom72
    leomom72 Posts: 1,797 Member
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    i don't think anyone needs friends like that..especially since you are here, and need support..it is important for a friend to ask how you are..i know it sucks letting friends go, but sometimes it has to be done..you can add me if you like..best of luck
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    awwww thank you :) although its not a friend on here its one in my daily life.. I just feel bad cause she is a lot of fun when she is being normal ... Its hard to do but its been on going for a while and I think its time to really just let it go now! I will add you though :)
  • jfarr
    jfarr Posts: 8
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    I've been there too and I had to realize that she was not my friend. I was a friend to her but she was not a friend to me. This can be very exhausting! Try gradually spending less time with her and go out to explore and make new friends. No one needs that kind of leech. Good Luck!
  • dragonflydi
    dragonflydi Posts: 665 Member
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    I let one go ... and I'm a much happier person for it. She was not only obsessed about only her, but she created most of the issues she was dealing with to begin with continually whining about ... and was (admittedly) always a "glass half empty" person. She said she preferred to be that way so when something good happened, she'd be surprised.

    I cannot live that way ... good things happen to me every day because I choose to find the good in everything I can. If it's causing stress, it might be worth just letting it go, finding a local group with hobbies or interests similar to your own and see if you can find someone else to spend time with.

    What part of AZ are you in?
  • kcphilly
    kcphilly Posts: 71
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    oh I have been there too many times sadly. It is hard when you have strong ties to the person, and you do have fun with them to cut them out completely. I used to wait on people to "grow out of it" now I just have to accept them for who they are and really not have high expectations as sad as that seems. People that I used to think I was very close to I now just refer to in my head as "social friends" instead of "good friends" Tough transition but for me it was the best solution.
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    I know!!!!! Ya I was thinking of slowly letting her go like that!!! Its probably easier slowly LOL
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    Im in a super small town outside of Tucson :( we only have one car and my fiance works 6 days a week... I suppose I could try to find group things around here to do though. I am sure I would meet more people that way
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    I was thinking that to! maybe also just considering making her a social friend rather than a close friend. We dont have major ties but have been friends almost a year. We have done a lot of things together and I really do like her and generally I am there for her but last night I really needed someone there for me and she didnt want to talk about me at all. Kind of broke my heart ... She even admitted to me tonight that she is self absorbed because the most important thing in her life is her relationship with her significant other and until that perfect all she will talk about is him and her?! What did I get myself into ugh
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
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    I had to let my 'best friend' go last year. She started to make cutting comments, I withdrew and then I called her on it, and she let go with 'you didn't appreciate me enough'. At the time my son was having major cancer surgery, but of course it was all about her.

    It left a (temporary) big hole in my life, but it was not a healthy relationship.

    Good luck, go out there and find something else to fill the time with and you will wonder what positives there were in that relationship.

    GG
  • kcphilly
    kcphilly Posts: 71
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    I was thinking that to! maybe also just considering making her a social friend rather than a close friend. We dont have major ties but have been friends almost a year. We have done a lot of things together and I really do like her and generally I am there for her but last night I really needed someone there for me and she didnt want to talk about me at all. Kind of broke my heart ... She even admitted to me tonight that she is self absorbed because the most important thing in her life is her relationship with her significant other and until that perfect all she will talk about is him and her?! What did I get myself into ugh

    Wow that is harsh to outright do that to you. A lot of people like that don't even realize how selfish they come off. As tough as it is to get burned like that maybe it is for the best you learn that now about her before you get any closer.

    And if she ever breaks up with her SO and wants to cry about it to you tell her sorry you don't have the time to talk!
  • anubis609
    anubis609 Posts: 3,966 Member
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    I'm one of those people. Just to be fair about it, so that you can gain some perspective on the other side of the coin [not to necessarily defend that particular "friend" in your case], but sometimes people realize that in life, they only have themselves to rely on.

    In my case, I'm extremely secure with myself, and I personally only look out for what benefits me. Assholistic as it may seem, I like to surround myself with like-minded people who don't need the constant attention or babysitting simply because they need to feel validated about their opinions. My circle of friends are all individuals who are self-motivated through independent thought. We can't go out of our way each and every time one of us has a problem. Sure, we'll be there to listen and be a sounding board, but other than that, we can't make decisions for other people. Support is given as long as the other person is willing to reach out for that support as willingly as we are to extend the helping hand. If they can't reach it and require us to pick them up off the ground, then we're offering more than our fair share of help in that case.

    Again, it sucks you have to terminate a relationship with someone like that, but they aren't wrong for asking you why you still consider yourselves "friends" if they truly are that horrible. Make a decision and stick with it. They'll be just fine. And you should be just as fine with that decision since you got along through life on your own before you knew them...just like you should be able to get along fine on your own afterwards.

    EDIT: Didn't get to see that she was absorbed in her significant other. It changes the initial post a bit, but my opinion still stands.
  • mishelnkiki
    mishelnkiki Posts: 775 Member
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    know EXACTLY how u feel. i had to do that very same thing this weekend! and while it sucks, my life has already improved. i dont have her constant drama in my life, which frees up some time for me to focus more on me. which is why we are all here right! while its nice to have a support system, we all have to live our own lives. and if ur friend isnt willing to support u the way u need supported, u will benefit more from just letting her go all together! chances are, she will never change. so just cut all ties and do ur best to meet different people! best of luck to u!
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    Ya you guys are right!!!! It will suck a little but after its over it will feel better!!! She really is full of so much drama and wants all attention to be focused on her and her SO its too much for me! I am used to a completely different crowd of friends anyway. Obviously this is not my cup of tea!!!!
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    I was thinking that to! maybe also just considering making her a social friend rather than a close friend. We dont have major ties but have been friends almost a year. We have done a lot of things together and I really do like her and generally I am there for her but last night I really needed someone there for me and she didnt want to talk about me at all. Kind of broke my heart ... She even admitted to me tonight that she is self absorbed because the most important thing in her life is her relationship with her significant other and until that perfect all she will talk about is him and her?! What did I get myself into ugh

    Wow that is harsh to outright do that to you. A lot of people like that don't even realize how selfish they come off. As tough as it is to get burned like that maybe it is for the best you learn that now about her before you get any closer.




    Ya i think i will get rid of this one.....

    And if she ever breaks up with her SO and wants to cry about it to you tell her sorry you don't have the time to talk!
  • fitnesspirateninja
    fitnesspirateninja Posts: 667 Member
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    If having a limited social circle is the only reason you're friends with her, then try volunteering somewhere. When my husband and I moved to a new town (and, like you, only had one working car), I started volunteering at a community radio station. Now I have a huge (well, huge for a town with 1200 people in it) social circle, I'm always busy, and I feel good about doing something for my community. There are like 15 nonprofits here, and we're a tiny little speck of a town. I'd be surprised if your town didn't have something you were interested in.

    Not having a car is difficult when you live out in the country (not sure if that's your situation, but it's mine) and everything is far away. I started walking to town and lost most of my weight that way. It'll help you get outside and moving if you have somewhere to go and something to do.

    I think the social friend idea is a good one. There's a balance to every relationship. If one person is too self-absorbed or too needy, it throws things off. Figure out how much you want to invest in this friendship. I think it helps if both people have full lives outside of that friendship (or marriage or whatever). That way you aren't totally dependant on one person to be there for you. Even a caring, selfless friend is going to have a family, school, or work that they'll have to put first.
  • pink_lilly
    pink_lilly Posts: 5
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    I think you were fair when you let her know how you felt and how you wanted it to change. We can't change people but some people have a draining affect and those kind you can really do without,, not that you have to get rid of her all together,, but you can set your limits. Remember, If someone is making you feel bad when you are around them and you let them know and no change has come,,,, You have to care for yourself first. After all, they say negative energy just attracts more negative energy... don't let yourself get surrounded. But you can cut her off slowly if it makes you feel better lol .... good luck
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    If having a limited social circle is the only reason you're friends with her, then try volunteering somewhere. When my husband and I moved to a new town (and, like you, only had one working car), I started volunteering at a community radio station. Now I have a huge (well, huge for a town with 1200 people in it) social circle, I'm always busy, and I feel good about doing something for my community. There are like 15 nonprofits here, and we're a tiny little speck of a town. I'd be surprised if your town didn't have something you were interested in.

    Not having a car is difficult when you live out in the country (not sure if that's your situation, but it's mine) and everything is far away. I started walking to town and lost most of my weight that way. It'll help you get outside and moving if you have somewhere to go and something to do.

    I think the social friend idea is a good one. There's a balance to every relationship. If one person is too self-absorbed or too needy, it throws things off. Figure out how much you want to invest in this friendship. I think it helps if both people have full lives outside of that friendship (or marriage or whatever). That way you aren't totally dependant on one person to be there for you. Even a caring, selfless friend is going to have a family, school, or work that they'll have to put first.



    Well, I am planning on starting school this fall and am almost certain I will meet some people there... I am still researching for groups and things to join within our area... We live in Arizona and the summer is approaching and this time of year is so very hot to do anything outside which also makes it hard to do things. Its almost like winter was like for us in Washington except opposite..... I really want to join an organization or something social to meet people.... I miss all my good close friends I had in Washington. People also do not seem as friendly here as they did there. Its just different!!!
  • denise_earheart
    denise_earheart Posts: 354
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    I think you were fair when you let her know how you felt and how you wanted it to change. We can't change people but some people have a draining affect and those kind you can really do without,, not that you have to get rid of her all together,, but you can set your limits. Remember, If someone is making you feel bad when you are around them and you let them know and no change has come,,,, You have to care for yourself first. After all, they say negative energy just attracts more negative energy... don't let yourself get surrounded. But you can cut her off slowly if it makes you feel better lol .... good luck


    yes your right :) I feel it is good of me to be honest but it backfires sort of when she replies with well if I am so horrible etc... I am trying to find a weekend meditation retreat hoping it will rid all of my negative energy near me ....
  • fitnesspirateninja
    fitnesspirateninja Posts: 667 Member
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    I'm sure that you'll meet a lot of people at school. Does it cool off at night? Can you do stuff in the evening or early mornings? I don't know about Arizona weather (I do know it gets really hot, though).

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