Family put down, feeling low

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lil_lizt
lil_lizt Posts: 275 Member
in Motivation and Support
I've managed to lose 11lbs (which isn't a huge amount) by really watching what I eat, and exercising. Yesterday I managed to get into my UK size 10 jeans so chuffed to bits I rang me mum for her to tell me 'but you're fatter than me and I can't get into size 10 jeans' followed by 'well they must be cut huge then'. She's lost her weight by starving herself and not eating at all other than a bag of crisps a day. It's made me feel so low and what's the point. Admittedly she is a stone lighter than me now but I've busted my *kitten* off to get where I am and I didn't expect such a harsh put down

Replies

  • funchords
    funchords Posts: 413 Member
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    I've read about this playing out in lots of families where one is losing weight and the others are sideways with their "support." It's some kind of weird jealousy or better-than-you dynamic. Please don't let it discourage you -- it's ultimately about her and her issues.
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
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    Only one thing to do: keep going quietly, don't tell people your plans to get fit or update them on your progress. Then sit back and watch the jaws drop and compliments roll in the next time you appear at a family gathering and you look absolutely amazing. Sizes differ from brand to brand and can be dismissed, but no one can argue with you looking hot!

    I've learned moms and family aren't always the best people to share your fitness goals with, mainly because they have crappy filters and are less worried about offending you or taking the wind out of your sails. Next time you are dying to share a new fitness victory, tell your best friend and leave your mom out of it. :smile:
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    My mom actively tried to sabotage my first significant loss when I was in my thirties. She began sabotaging as soon as I surpassed her. It was very discouraging at the time and like a fool I stopped the program. Since then I have reconciled myself to my mother's character and gained a stainless-steel backbone.

    The weight loss is not for anyone else but you. Do it for you and what you get from it.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    By the way, 11 pounds is a big deal. The next time you are in the grocery section, pick up a ten pound bag of potatoes. Now imagine yourself carrying that around all day.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,716 Member
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    Well, I'm sorry she burst your bubble (initially) but you still have your victory of 11 lbs. lost, so get happy again! Sure, it's great if you have the support of your loved ones, but you don't need it nor should you rely on it. This is all about YOU. Celebrate that!
  • trisH_7183
    trisH_7183 Posts: 1,486 Member
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    [quote="The weight loss is not for anyone else but you. Do it for you and what you get from it. [/quote]

    Exactly! A hard lesson,but very true,all the planning,trying,succeding has to be only for you.
    What other people say,think or do is of no concern.Let them follow their own way,while
    you keep your nose to the grindstone & lose weight. Good luck.....

  • shelbylmiller
    shelbylmiller Posts: 11
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    11 lbs is a huge accomplishment. That's 33,000 calories you didn't eat!

    I can only echo what everyone else has said -- your mom has her own weight issues. Don't tangle yours with hers. Come here to celebrate instead and remember you're doing this for you, not her.
  • pplastics
    pplastics Posts: 135 Member
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    First, don't let what someone else says (even family) determine your self worth.

    Second, if she is surviving on a bag of chips a day, the woman is going to be cranky and rude. Expect it when talking to her in the future.
  • girlwithcurls2
    girlwithcurls2 Posts: 2,276 Member
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    Stop calling your mum. Call someone supportive, or come here, post in the Success Stories, and feel the love.
  • kyta32
    kyta32 Posts: 670 Member
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    Exercise can help lose weight around the middle as it targets visceral fat. So can eating partial-fat dairy, fruit, and oat fiber

    Newby, P. K.; Muller, D; Hallfrisch, J; Qiao, N; Andres, R; Tucker, K. L. (2003). "Dietary patterns and changes in body mass index and waist circumference in adults". The American journal of clinical nutrition 77 (6): 1417–25. PMID 12791618

    Above study compaired the diet I mentioned versus soda, red and processed meat, and fast food. Those on a healthier diet had a healthier waist-hip ratio at the same weight. So your mom may find that she has a harder time losing the "belly fat" than someone on a sensible diet.

    Family can be weird about weight loss. My brother just told me the reason I look like I lost weight is because I never change my clothes. I don't even know what that means. You don't need someone else's permission to feel good about what you have accomplished.

    Good work so far! Your good habits will help you to look how you want to look and feel good too :)
  • Emi1974
    Emi1974 Posts: 522 Member
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    I am sure your mum loves you, she is just very frustrated with herself. I bet she doesn't even realize what she did or that she hurt your feelings. Good job on the loss (*)
  • court_alacarte
    court_alacarte Posts: 219 Member
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    i'm so sorry your mother said those things. i know how hurtful it can be, especially coming from your own mother! i gained 10 lbs around the time my mom lost a bunch of weight and i can just FEEL her eyes on me when i eat something not especially nutritious. maybe it's just in my head but the underhanded comments i get from both my parents aren't exactly words of praise and lift my spirits. however i don't think they realize what they say. i know they love me and would do anything for me as i them. they just come from a different generation.

    you're an adult and can definitely get by without momma being a stick in the *kitten*. you are in charge of your own body and you keep going for YOU. like someone said, come here and we'll pick up where momma is slacking :)
  • maryrichen
    maryrichen Posts: 14
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    Keep going and ignore your mom. My aunt lays into me all the time on my weight. I decided to join this site to find support as my sister only does silent support mostly. Congrats on the 11 lb loss. Your mom is just not thinking before she really thinks on what she means.

  • lil_lizt
    lil_lizt Posts: 275 Member
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    Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm feeling much more positive today, it just really knocked me
  • sofaking6
    sofaking6 Posts: 4,589 Member
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    I've seen quite a few threads here from people whose families *always* talk to them like that. So, it's cool at least that your mom is nice enough on the regular for you to be surprised when she gets bi***y :)
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I've been thinking a lot about your encounter, and the parallels I had with my experience.

    Here's what I think. Being overweight is a social stigma. Associated with it may be derogatives like "lazy" and "stupid". I kept my nutrition knowledge to myself until I lost a significant amount of weight. My thought, "Who would believe a fat person?"

    It is natural for us, when reaching a significant milestone, to reach out for a few kudos and a pat on the back. After all, we've proven we are neither lazy or stupid! Call it tribe mentality, but it is natural to expect a raise in esteem by our peers when we have risen out of our former miserable estate.

    But, in the dynamics of tribal life, we have also shifted out of an established role. It shakes things up, and rattles the tribal order. Some chicks peck, and if you are too different, you could end up being the peckee!

    So, sad to say, you will find out if those closest to you are secure enough to celebrate your new status, or if they are more interested in hanging on to the scraps of status they have left. You may have to shift some of your relationships.

    Me, I had to establish some distance from my mom, for my own sanity.
  • dawn0293
    dawn0293 Posts: 115 Member
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    lil_lizt wrote: »
    She's lost her weight by starving herself and not eating at all other than a bag of crisps a day.

    From what you have written, it sounds as though your mother doesn't have the healthiest perspective on weight issues. Take what she says with a grain of salt.

  • stefi2107
    stefi2107 Posts: 52 Member
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    Moms are like that, I'm not sure why but they are. My mom and I weighed within 6 pounds of each other and I was in an American size 4 and she was in an American size 12. A lot of it has to do with body type, muscle tone and exercise.. You are doing amazing keep up the great work!!

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