Butter Face, Self Esteem, and Safety in Being Overweight

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redsk
redsk Posts: 27 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was not certain what category to put this under. My issue with weight loss has always been emotional and an extreme lack of self confidence and self acceptance. I know how to eat and how to exercise. At one point in my life I was extremely fit and I found that the level of visibility seemed to motivate people to sh#t on me more then when I had extra weight on. For example, saying I look like a man or that I had a nice body but had an ugly face. Ugly people exist. I am not arguing my looks or seeking validation in that regard. What I am wondering is if anyone has also had this experience and how they overcame it? Have you kept the weight on to be invisible or did you manage to overcome it?

I am going to try yet another form of therapy to improve my self esteem but thus far CBT, hypnosis and general counseling have failed. I just want to achieve self acceptance so I can move on. It feels silly to be so obsessed with everything I am not and never will be, while everything good about myself is minimized.

Sorry to go on a whining rant, but I am hungry ( har har) for a solution.

Replies

  • girlviernes
    girlviernes Posts: 2,402 Member
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    Gosh, it sounds like you are taking all the actions you need to do. I have some issues with self-confidence too, and I'm not sure that will ever go away. I think some of our insecurities are there to stay, and fighting or waiting to not have them doesn't do us any good, but we can still take the wise actions for our well-being and values. And self-compassion instead of self-esteem. If you are up for another therapy, something like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) might be a good fit. Good luck!
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
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    First, I think you're lovely, and I'm sorry you can't see it right now.

    I was sexually assaulted several years ago - the weight was like a blanket of security for me. I didn't like myself at all, and I had zero self worth.

    The first thing I started with was medication. I let that do its thing for a few months - then I started to lose weight and then I started therapy.

    I just don't think you can properly take care of yourself, or lose weight until you realize that you're worth the effort that it takes. I know medication isn't for everyone but it really made all the difference in the world for me.

    It's been almost a year since I started this whole path and everything has changed internally - and externally. I've lost 66 pounds, and I actually LOVE myself now. I can take compliments like a pro and I'm just all around a better, happier person. I can see all the things about me that are good - that I'm smart, kind, empathetic and yes - even pretty. When people say negative things to or about me now, I feel sad for them - because that sort of negativity is no way to live a life.

    It takes hard work and a lot of internal discipline - you have to actively stop the negative self talk in its tracks. And it's hard. But coming out the other side is just so beautiful and empowering.

    Let me know if I can help in any way.
  • redsk
    redsk Posts: 27 Member
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    girlviernes wrote: »
    Gosh, it sounds like you are taking all the actions you need to do. I have some issues with self-confidence too, and I'm not sure that will ever go away. I think some of our insecurities are there to stay, and fighting or waiting to not have them doesn't do us any good, but we can still take the wise actions for our well-being and values. And self-compassion instead of self-esteem. If you are up for another therapy, something like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) might be a good fit. Good luck!

    I guess it seems like the insecurities overwhelm the work and leads to self sabotage. I will take a look at ACT. Thank you for the suggestion and your kind words.
  • redsk
    redsk Posts: 27 Member
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    TheVirgoddess wrote: »
    First, I think you're lovely, and I'm sorry you can't see it right now.

    I was sexually assaulted several years ago - the weight was like a blanket of security for me. I didn't like myself at all, and I had zero self worth.

    The first thing I started with was medication. I let that do its thing for a few months - then I started to lose weight and then I started therapy.

    I just don't think you can properly take care of yourself, or lose weight until you realize that you're worth the effort that it takes. I know medication isn't for everyone but it really made all the difference in the world for me.

    It's been almost a year since I started this whole path and everything has changed internally - and externally. I've lost 66 pounds, and I actually LOVE myself now. I can take compliments like a pro and I'm just all around a better, happier person. I can see all the things about me that are good - that I'm smart, kind, empathetic and yes - even pretty. When people say negative things to or about me now, I feel sad for them - because that sort of negativity is no way to live a life.

    It takes hard work and a lot of internal discipline - you have to actively stop the negative self talk in its tracks. And it's hard. But coming out the other side is just so beautiful and empowering.

    Let me know if I can help in any way.

    I am sorry that you had that experience but happy to read that you were able to overcome the scars it left. Compliments are big issue for me - I have noticed that I defuse them immediately or respond with what is basically "Thank you but your compliment is not valid because..." Yes, you are kind, beautiful, wise, and empathetic and I appreciate that. It is good to hear someone say that had similar problems and made it past it. Do you ever get negative comments and, if yes, how do you react to them? My issue is I hold on to all the bad things - things that have happened to me or been said to me - and the compliments and whatnot just roll off like water on a duck's back.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
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    redsk wrote: »
    TheVirgoddess wrote: »
    First, I think you're lovely, and I'm sorry you can't see it right now.

    I was sexually assaulted several years ago - the weight was like a blanket of security for me. I didn't like myself at all, and I had zero self worth.

    The first thing I started with was medication. I let that do its thing for a few months - then I started to lose weight and then I started therapy.

    I just don't think you can properly take care of yourself, or lose weight until you realize that you're worth the effort that it takes. I know medication isn't for everyone but it really made all the difference in the world for me.

    It's been almost a year since I started this whole path and everything has changed internally - and externally. I've lost 66 pounds, and I actually LOVE myself now. I can take compliments like a pro and I'm just all around a better, happier person. I can see all the things about me that are good - that I'm smart, kind, empathetic and yes - even pretty. When people say negative things to or about me now, I feel sad for them - because that sort of negativity is no way to live a life.

    It takes hard work and a lot of internal discipline - you have to actively stop the negative self talk in its tracks. And it's hard. But coming out the other side is just so beautiful and empowering.

    Let me know if I can help in any way.

    I am sorry that you had that experience but happy to read that you were able to overcome the scars it left. Compliments are big issue for me - I have noticed that I defuse them immediately or respond with what is basically "Thank you but your compliment is not valid because..." Yes, you are kind, beautiful, wise, and empathetic and I appreciate that. It is good to hear someone say that had similar problems and made it past it. Do you ever get negative comments and, if yes, how do you react to them? My issue is I hold on to all the bad things - things that have happened to me or been said to me - and the compliments and whatnot just roll off like water on a duck's back.

    Most negative comments I hear are on the internet, so I just tell myself that this person doesn't know me at all - so while they can have an opinion, it's not well formed and isn't a reflection of who I really am. The same generally applies to comments in real life, unless it's someone that I care about. That being the case, I really examine why I care about that person, and if it's in my best interest to keep them in my life. I'm too old now to allow people that aren't enhancing my life, remain a part of it.

    For compliments, I had to train myself. This was really hard. What I did was this:

    Compliment: "You're so pretty!"
    Me, internally: I like and respect this person, and I value their opinion. Maybe I *am* pretty - maybe they are right.

    Then it shortened to "maybe she's right", and finally I dropped the maybe.

    Letting things go is really hard - it's easy to believe bad things about ourselves - we're taught to be modest, or we're considered conceited. It's not true though. In fact, the more confident I get, the more I inspire the people around me to find their confidence as well. It's like a fire - it just spreads.

    What I finally realized is that people only have as much control over my emotions as I allow them. So if I was feeling hurt, or angry - I was letting the person that hurt me control me - and they didn't deserve that head-space I was giving them. I didn't like that.

    I had to do a lot of forgiving, too. Other people, but especially myself. Letting things go is very freeing.

    You can message me anytime you need help, or a shoulder. The first step in this process, you've already done.

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