Sabotage from within!

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LeelooX2014
LeelooX2014 Posts: 157 Member
in Motivation and Support
I know that ultimately all responsibility for what I do lies with me. However, I am struggling with a constant barrage of temptations from my husband. I'm not sure, but it seems intentional. As I'm improving my weight and health he has been constantly providing the worst temptations for me possible.

He has expressed that he thinks I'll sleep around, by constantly mentioning how that happens to others, or trying to remind me of our history and how important that is. He actually checked up on me to make sure I really did go to work early the other day.

He will buy wine and beer knowing that I'm trying to cut it out. He'll even open it up for me and then get a little mad if I say no. He'll want to order out and I have a hard time having salad when everyone else is getting pizza. He'll want to make a giant greasy breakfast after his night of excessive drink and I don't want any.

I get the feeling he is very threatened by my healthy choices. He is losing his "drinking buddy". I think he's afraid I'll move on and to be honest, I am getting tired of this constant anchor pulling me down. He will say that he'll join me in healthy choices, but can't even do day one. He is literally trying to keep me down so that I'm with him at his level.

I'm just curious if anyone else has struggled with this. What did you say or do to stop the temptations without offending or angering? Did your significant other ever join you or just become more distant and angry? I am going to be strong, but I almost feel like I'm being pushed to make a choice between my health and my husband.

Replies

  • andysport1
    andysport1 Posts: 592 Member
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    I think there is a bit of this in all of us, my wife can leave the biscuits, crisps alone but for me if there in the house I cant resist. Then for me I hold myself back as I'm a little scared of losing too much as currently fat is a mask to hide behind.
    I would suggest setting a set of rules for yourself and husband for example; If you say "shall we order take out?" this means I go out immediately for 3 hours (friends/gym)
    He will soon learn.
    Tell him if he puts an alcoholic drink in front of you that for 3 days thereafter you are on strike no cooking, cleaning, washing
    I would say it's unfair for you to insist he comes on the journey with you, however you could certainly stop any further growth, tell him that if he gets to a certain weight (1kg above his current weight) that sex will not happen until he weighs in.

    Good luck
  • jpaulie
    jpaulie Posts: 917 Member
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    This happens a lot from what I read and hear. In my own life my significant other feels threatened by my weight loss. She suggests I do it to become more attractive to other women. Simply not true. I just feel so much better being fit.

    You have to put your health first and deal with any consequences. Without health nothing else matters. He may or may not come around. You need to be prepared for that.
  • chandaloser
    chandaloser Posts: 10 Member
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    It sounds like the issues you have with your husband run much deeper than weight loss. But you have to be strong and healthy. Do what you have to do to be healthy! I agree with jpaulie - you might not like where the road leads.....but it will always end where it's supposed to. Be strong and don't let him sabotage you over his own insecurities! Good luck!
  • CarrieCans
    CarrieCans Posts: 381 Member
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    You don't need to make a choice between health or husband. At some point there can be a balance.

    My BF loves to bring me candy bars and goodies. I'm talking like 3 king sized candy bars and a monster energy drink at one time. If i tell him it won't fit in my day he always replies "yeah but tomorrow you can make it right" I just have to keep repeating myself to him... "Tomorrow is today"

    Last night he kept trying to get me to take a couple shots with him. First i told him it won't fit into my day, then i had to tell him i simply didn't want to. He pouted and got over it eventually. It's a PITA but it doesn't last forever.

    My BF is insecure. He is another one that thinks when i lose weight suddenly i will become another person. I just have to keep repeating myself to him about everything. Being healthier wont make me do something i wouldn't do now, you're just going to have to be patient and see for yourself.

    As far as checking up on you, i've been through that too. I have nothing to hide and so i have that attitude that anyone can check up on me whenever they want. I won't do something that i don't want to be seen or known about or that i am not willing to take responsibility for.

    Stress to him all of the reasons being healthy is important to you. Tell him every day. If Tell him every day how he could be helping you. The redundancy gets quite annoying but it's something that could help you get where you need to go.

    As time goes by my BF understands more and more. I noticed he reduced the amount of sugar in his coffee even though he won't admit it. He also increased his veggie serving at dinner. He is starting to pick up on some of my new habits.

    Another thing i noticed. People can eat whatever they want in front of me and it is getting easier to not be so tempted. Once the ball is rolling it's easier to stay with it.

    The best thing i can suggest is to stay strong and keep working towards your goal. Hopefully he will get on board soon. You aren't alone in this.
  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
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    For a lot of people alcohol = love. If you reject their alcohol they take it personally on some level. Maybe you can say "I would really love to have a drink with you but I am on a diet." Perhaps in that way he will not feel rejected. Sounds to me like your routine with him is changing and he doesn't know what to do now.
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
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    Have you tried discussing this in depth with your husband? Communication is key in a marriage.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    You don't have to have salad when he's having pizza. Have a slice of pizza. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
  • CarrieCans
    CarrieCans Posts: 381 Member
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    Francl27 wrote: »
    You don't have to have salad when he's having pizza. Have a slice of pizza. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

    +1

    Or less than a typical amount and a small salad.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    Ok to be more helpful - my husband hasn't changed his habits much. Heck, we're completely different really... I eat more in the morning, he eats more at night. If he wants a giant breakfast, he can make his own. I make meals (most of the time), if he's still hungry after, he can either eat a bigger portion, or have a snack (which he does anyway).

    The thing is, his eating is not your eating. I know it can be hard to say no when you're tempted, but you're setting yourself to failure if you always say no. As I said above.. you can have a slice of pizza or a glass of wine. Just make it fit in your calories (which you might want to reassess, if you really don't think you can fit that in). Maybe if you are not so strict, it will be easier for you to stick to it without feeling sabotaged, and your husband will feel better and stop pestering you about it. It does seem easier when I tell someone 'no thanks, I can't really have pizza, I had a donut earlier' or something (which I've done in the past).
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,610 Member
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    Sabotage would be offering something that it's not. I would put this more on the line of temptation, enticement, etc.
    It happens ALL THE TIME and not only with your spouse, but friends, family, and co workers. The great thing is you still get to make the choices.
    I'm not one to cut anything out of anyone's diet. I just try to teach them how not to go overboard because let's face it, one can lose weight abstaining from foods they actually enjoy, but reintroduction to them is why weight regain happens to 90% of dieters.
    So don't be afraid to say no, but also don't be afraid to a some of something you like to eat.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • LeelooX2014
    LeelooX2014 Posts: 157 Member
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    Thanks guys! I was really getting frustrated. I know it's ultimately up to me and having a little bit is ok. Learning to say no and not worry about feelings is key!
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    You also need to have a good talk with him! Good luck!
  • Cherie1n2n3n4
    Cherie1n2n3n4 Posts: 46 Member
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    My fiancee complains that he's on a diet too when I'm watching what I eat even though I still provide the same starches like homemade mashed potato or scratch made pizza and lasania. I tell him I love to cook and it doesn't bother me at all, but he'll beg me to take a "cheat day" and tell me I look "good enough already".
    ( he's super thin and I even make him 2 600 calorie weight gainer shakes every night in addition to two meals for his work since its 12 hour night shifts)

    He's not jealous.. He loves it when I look fit and thin, but he says he feels guilty about eating foods he knows I love. I try to explain that if I'm not moping or complaining that its totally unfair for him to. He's starting to see how quickly I can fluctuate weight and that I really can't "just go over a little".
  • janellynnp
    janellynnp Posts: 1 Member
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    many times people change and relationships cannot be salvaged. If he cares about you more than himself, you'll see effort on his part.
  • beachgod
    beachgod Posts: 567 Member
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    Choose health

    Don't use sex as a weapon
  • Cherie1n2n3n4
    Cherie1n2n3n4 Posts: 46 Member
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    As for the salad instead of pizza.. I don't know what diet you're following, but as a ketogenic I opt for HOT WINGS!!
  • LeelooX2014
    LeelooX2014 Posts: 157 Member
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    beachgod wrote: »
    Choose health

    Don't use sex as a weapon

    Would never do that! I think people that do are asking for trouble.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
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    andysport1 wrote: »
    I think there is a bit of this in all of us, my wife can leave the biscuits, crisps alone but for me if there in the house I cant resist. Then for me I hold myself back as I'm a little scared of losing too much as currently fat is a mask to hide behind.
    I would suggest setting a set of rules for yourself and husband for example; If you say "shall we order take out?" this means I go out immediately for 3 hours (friends/gym)
    He will soon learn.
    Tell him if he puts an alcoholic drink in front of you that for 3 days thereafter you are on strike no cooking, cleaning, washing
    I would say it's unfair for you to insist he comes on the journey with you, however you could certainly stop any further growth, tell him that if he gets to a certain weight (1kg above his current weight) that sex will not happen until he weighs in.

    Good luck
    The 1950's called. They want their advice back.
  • 2snakeswoman
    2snakeswoman Posts: 655 Member
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    I get so frustrated with this! My husband doesn't actively push food or drink on me, but when he settles next to me to watch a movie with a big bowl of chips or something, I have a very hard time keeping my hand out of the bowl. He doesn't see why he has to give up the pleasure of having snacks with a movie, and I pretty much agree with him. It's a struggle!

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