Well I just suck...

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UsedToBeHusky
UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
in Motivation and Support
I turned my sister on to the website. Then I turned her off because I commented about her blatant crash dieting. Now she has deactivated her account and is not speaking to me. Talk about a knee jerk reaction. She only used the site for a day. I kind of knew she was staying under 1200 calories but I wasn't expecting it to be such a sensitive issue. I just want her to be healthy and diet safely. She doesn't have that much to lose (around 25 pounds unlike me who is trying to lose 100+).

Does anyone have any advice? Am I just a total jerk for being concerned?
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Replies

  • believetoachieve
    believetoachieve Posts: 675 Member
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    You probably shouldn't have started criticizing her choices within the first 24 hours of being on the site!! Maybe talk to her in person. No one on this forum can tell you what to do - you need to talk to HER. Talking behind her back isn't going to make her any happier, especially if she comes back and sees this.... :ohwell:
  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
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    Sometimes paying more attention to what we're doing and less about another's business helps out both people involved. What you want for your Sister and what she is ready for sound like two very different things. She's an adult and needs to make her own decisions. I know for myself keeping track of my own self on here is more than enough to keep me busy, I can't imagine trying to worry about what someone else is or isn't doing.

    She will find her way, and perhaps her way will not be your way, but that shouldn't effect your journey right?
  • driscollmc
    driscollmc Posts: 85
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    i know that you're concerned for your sister, but everyone diets their own way. i know when i was first starting out that i basically told my family, "let me do this on my own. i want zero input from you." granted i did do things the healthy way and not starve myself, but you have to let her make her own mistakes and let her figure it out. it sucks, but until someone wants to do it themselves and makes that decision, there's not much else you can do :)
  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
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    You probably shouldn't have started criticizing her choices within the first 24 hours of being on the site!! Maybe talk to her in person. No one on this forum can tell you what to do - you need to talk to HER. Talking behind her back isn't going to make her any happier, especially if she comes back and sees this.... :ohwell:
    Very true, making a statement on here when perhaps all she might have done is gone and restarted her account in a new name for privacy might have her feeling attacked all over again. :frown:

    ETA: None of us did it perfect the first day, week, or even month (whatever perfect even means), it's babysteps and I feel we each should be allowed to make our own mistakes so it's truly our journey and our own knowledge no someone else's.

    Maybe simply back off from her with "dieting" advice and let her find what works for her and perhaps then she'll decide to use the site in the future or not. No one wants to be told we're wrong right after we join up on a site even if we may or may not be doing something that later we'll make a different choice in direction.
  • KeepOnMoving
    KeepOnMoving Posts: 383 Member
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    I don't have a sister, just a brother. Could encourage her to log back on, just not share her identity with you. That way she can get the same advice from someone else and not be offended. lol! Sometimes its hard to take advice from family. Most people don't like to take advice but just figure things out on their own. She will probably learn a lot from other people's experiences.

    As far as mending your relationship, maybe send her a sweet card? I don't know, depends on the personality.
  • starboardzor
    starboardzor Posts: 312
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    I think enough time on this site and on these forums would probably really help change her current views. It would be more like a gentle tug in the right direction rather than a violent jerk.... I know if my sister blatantly told me I was doing something wrong, I'd shut down too. Not because it's rational, that's just... kinda how I am!

    I'd apologize to her, admit you were wrong for stepping on her toes, and ask her to give the site one more shot. Then let her get educated on her own. These forums are so busy, after a couple days of reading I'm willing to bet she'll inch towards the right direction on her own.
  • LadyOfOceanBreeze
    LadyOfOceanBreeze Posts: 762 Member
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    gosh, please don't be so hard on yourself (title of topic is just sad) and be patient with your sister. remember she is an adult and was doing things her way, it seems like most ppl on here like to scold others for not eating "right" so it would have been a matter of time before someone set her off if it wasn't you!

    have a good nite & you 2 kiss (((hug))) and MAKE UP! life's too short!!!!
  • mursey
    mursey Posts: 191 Member
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    Maybe she is just very sensitive (and there's nothing wrong with that) and she saw it as more of an overbearing gesture than it was. Also, it is difficult when you want to lose weight but people that want to lose more than you criticize your goals. Do you think you can talk to her and just say she was doing great except that you've recently learned that under 1200 calories will eventually sabotage her goals? Just say that you want her to do well and that you just didn't want her to go into starvation mode eventually and ruin her metabolism?

    I have a sister, so I know it can be really hard to solve disagreements!
  • aa1440
    aa1440 Posts: 956 Member
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    Some people say things to siblings and other family members that they would never say to others. I think that is what happened. You didn't mean to insult or hurt your sister but, if you would have said the same thing to someone on this site that did not know you they would probably be a little upset with you.

    Give your sister some time. Hopefully she will come back to the site. If not, you still need to support her, not bring her down.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Thank you! Of all the comments, yours almost made me cry. I know she will get over it soon. I know I should have let her do things her way. Like I said we had already discussed it, and I'm pretty sure the knee jerk reaction was mostly because she knows I'm right, and she HATES it when I'm right. LOL!

    Anyway, I do hope she comes back. Even if it is under an assumed identity. This puts an uncomfortable awkwardness in our relationship, but I'm sure we will get past it.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    gosh, please don't be so hard on yourself (title of topic is just sad) and be patient with your sister. remember she is an adult and was doing things her way, it seems like most ppl on here like to scold others for not eating "right" so it would have been a matter of time before someone set her off if it wasn't you!

    have a good nite & you 2 kiss (((hug))) and MAKE UP! life's too short!!!!

    Thank you! Of all the comments, yours almost made me cry. I know she will get over it soon. I know I should have let her do things her way. Like I said we had already discussed it, and I'm pretty sure the knee jerk reaction was mostly because she knows I'm right, and she HATES it when I'm right. LOL!

    Anyway, I do hope she comes back. Even if it is under an assumed identity. This puts an uncomfortable awkwardness in our relationship, but I'm sure we will get past it.
  • tryinghard2012
    tryinghard2012 Posts: 419 Member
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    Sometimes the truth hurts, living in a facade is more comfortable for people. If my sister joined and was eating unhealthy, I most certainly would advise her because if something drastic happened to her because of her unhealthy eating, I couldn't live with myself knowing I had the knowledge to guide her in the right direction and withheld telling her in an attempt to "save" hurt feelings.

    Sorry.


    One day she'll thank you for it. :wink:
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
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    Your just being a sister. :/ It is always harder to hear what your doing wrong from someone close to you. She will come around though...just tell her you love her, you want to see her suceed, but she needs to eat to do it. Good Luck!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Maybe she is just very sensitive (and there's nothing wrong with that) and she saw it as more of an overbearing gesture than it was. Also, it is difficult when you want to lose weight but people that want to lose more than you criticize your goals. Do you think you can talk to her and just say she was doing great except that you've recently learned that under 1200 calories will eventually sabotage her goals? Just say that you want her to do well and that you just didn't want her to go into starvation mode eventually and ruin her metabolism?

    I have a sister, so I know it can be really hard to solve disagreements!

    Well she wouldn't hear me when I tried the gentle approach. And I really wasn't trying to offend her. All I did was ask why she let herself get below 1200 cals. Her answer was the same as the last time we had that conversation.
  • TonysMiss
    TonysMiss Posts: 128 Member
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    Criticism, even constructive, can be very difficult. Especially for a woman AND it being about her weight AND coming from her sister. :smile: I would just apologize and encourage her to come back. Like one of the other users said let her educate herself and see what happens. Be a "light" to her and not something she see's as negative. None of us are perfect and we all are striving towards the same goal no matter HOW much weight we need or want to loose and that is to be healthy. YOU hang in there and don't beat up on yourself. Encourage your sister and just set a good example. :flowerforyou:
    Best wishes to you and your sister.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Sometimes the truth hurts, living in a facade is more comfortable for people. If my sister joined and was eating unhealthy, I most certainly would advise her because if something drastic happened to her because of her unhealthy eating, I couldn't live with myself knowing I had the knowledge to guide her in the right direction and withheld telling her in an attempt to "save" hurt feelings.

    Sorry.


    One day she'll thank you for it. :wink:

    Thank you! That feels much better than "You shouldn't have got in your sister's business."
  • a_freeman
    a_freeman Posts: 116 Member
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    One more point. If you are truly concerned that your sister has an eating disorder and is heading down a dangerous path, you can't just let it drop. She is probably just dieting the way she wants and will find a balance eventually. But if you think it's more serious than that, get some help. Enlist others. You may damage your relationship but serious eating disorders are life threatening.
  • triplestak
    triplestak Posts: 3
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    You sound like a concerned loved-one. We all make mistakes and say the wrong thing. As many have said on here, she might not have been ready to hear any constructive criticism on her method. Just give it some time, and she'll be alright. These things happen and blow over.

    My wife and I recently got married and I've been familiar with fitness since high school as I was a gymnastics coach. I get into shape one year and am out of it the next. Well, right after our marriage in February, we both started eating like pigs (our way of celebrating) and really gained a lot of weight. We both realize how much we've gained. I think we both want to lose the weight, and I discovered this site. I was all happy, because for the first time I can track my calorie intake and burning. I showed it to my wife and almost forced her to sign up. She did do it, but she hasn't touch the site since that day. I keep wanting to tell her to do it, to give it a try, but I know what will happen. She'll resent me and probably not ever do it. I'll let her take her own time and do it her own way. I assume that's all you need to do with your sister.

    Things will work out. They always do....
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Thanks everyone for your supportive comments! I do feel somewhat better now. She has to talk to me eventually. I'm her maid of honor at her wedding!! LOL!

    At least, I'm pretty sure I still am.
  • tryinghard2012
    tryinghard2012 Posts: 419 Member
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    Sometimes the truth hurts, living in a facade is more comfortable for people. If my sister joined and was eating unhealthy, I most certainly would advise her because if something drastic happened to her because of her unhealthy eating, I couldn't live with myself knowing I had the knowledge to guide her in the right direction and withheld telling her in an attempt to "save" hurt feelings.

    Sorry.


    One day she'll thank you for it. :wink:

    Thank you! That feels much better than "You shouldn't have got in your sister's business."

    You're welcome. By the way your sister is your business and vice verse. :wink:

    My immediate family is my business that's how I was raised. We help each other out whether the help is enlisted or not.

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