Addicted to being fat?
softblondechick
Posts: 1,275 Member
"Hello, I am SBC, and I am an addict..."
Ha ha....not something I ever thought I would ever say or write...
Every day starts the same, grand plans for the day of my DIET. I am motivated, excited, and ready. My healthy food is prepared the night before, my gym clothes are by the door, with a water bottle, headphones. I have a healthy breakfast, this morning I had two hard boiled eggs and an orange.
I go to work, with my gym bag in the car, and my healthy food for the day packed next to me, I eat my healthy lunch, today it was an apple and lentils. I had a yogurt for a snack, drank plenty of water...I am set...
Then, I leave work for the gym, and avoid it like the plague. I make up any lame excuse, to avoid going to the gym. Then, even though I have a perfectly delicious healthy dinner at home, I sneak eat fast food away from my family. I don't really even want it. I just feel a compulsion for it.
Then, I go home, and pretend to diet, and my family acts all supportive, which makes me feel even more guilty. And to make it worse, I am moody and mad with myself, and take it out on them.
What is with this mental problem? And then, the next day, I start the whole cycle of dysfunction again. It is like being manic depressive, or bi polar. Super high, then, crash and burn...day after day.
Ha ha....not something I ever thought I would ever say or write...
Every day starts the same, grand plans for the day of my DIET. I am motivated, excited, and ready. My healthy food is prepared the night before, my gym clothes are by the door, with a water bottle, headphones. I have a healthy breakfast, this morning I had two hard boiled eggs and an orange.
I go to work, with my gym bag in the car, and my healthy food for the day packed next to me, I eat my healthy lunch, today it was an apple and lentils. I had a yogurt for a snack, drank plenty of water...I am set...
Then, I leave work for the gym, and avoid it like the plague. I make up any lame excuse, to avoid going to the gym. Then, even though I have a perfectly delicious healthy dinner at home, I sneak eat fast food away from my family. I don't really even want it. I just feel a compulsion for it.
Then, I go home, and pretend to diet, and my family acts all supportive, which makes me feel even more guilty. And to make it worse, I am moody and mad with myself, and take it out on them.
What is with this mental problem? And then, the next day, I start the whole cycle of dysfunction again. It is like being manic depressive, or bi polar. Super high, then, crash and burn...day after day.
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Replies
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Hey there,
One thing I know for sure is that we can't change actions we have taken in the past. We can however make new choices and new habits!
It sure sounds like you have that motivation there, you just need to let it shine now.
Just think of where you could be in another 12 months time if you give this healthy lifestyle your all!
You got this!
Adam0 -
There was a really interesting article on just this sort of thing on Tom Venuto's page. Have a look and hopefully you'll recognize some of the things he mentions and be able to use some of his advice to help correct the behaviour.
http://www.burnthefatblog.com/how-your-own-brain-is-sabotaging-your-fat-loss-goals.php0 -
I think a lot of people do what you describe. I know I do! I think for me...I am finding that I need to take it more slowly instead of suddenly, overnight, becoming this person who works out and eats perfectly every day. Yes, I would love to be that person. I have this fantasy life in which I am thin and healthy and energetic. In my fantasy I am laughing and smiling and can't wait to go work out.
But the reality is that I'm overweight, tired, and barely have any energy. When I do a daily walk, everything hurts. I think it takes owning up to the reality of the situation. I am not going to suddenly wake up tomorrow and be completely different. But what I CAN do is plan my food for the week, and walk 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever is realistic for me. If I eat an entire box of Skinny Cows, I can let it go and get a good night's sleep. I'm tired of wanting one thing and doing another. I'm going to change my dream. Instead of wanting to live some fantasy life and be disappointed, I'm going to be the person who can change a habit or two and pat myself on the back. In 6 months I can be glad that I lost 15-20 pounds instead of the self-loathing that comes with unmet expectations.
That's my plan. Imperfection. I can do "imperfection." Instead of thinking I can buy a box of Skinny Cows and only eat one, I can skip buying the box and start on that novel I've always wanted to write! haha!
I think it's a tough road once you feel addicted to food. We've been programmed to believe that we have to do a perfect diet, but I think that's been our enemy the whole time. It's not realistic. Most of us have probably been on a kazillion diets and yet, here we are. So even when I eat 600 calories more than I planned, I'm not giving up. I am somehow going to get from Point A to Point B.
Hang in there. Find your way!!! Don't give up!!! I refuse to believe that I'm destined to live like this. I'm in my mid-50's, 195 lbs, my hips hurt from the walking, I am so NOT perfect, but I don't care anymore. This is MY life and I want it back!
Keep me posted on how it goes!0 -
I could be way off the mark but to me... It sounds like you're setting yourself unrealistic goals perhaps. You don't have to eat 100% "healthy" you can eat whatever you want if you choose to. Including having fast food/chocolate/wine or whatever you enjoy. It's all about remaining in a calorific deficit. Could you possibly go to the gym prior to work? Or maybe even a 20-30min walk on your lunch break whilst at work? It's a cycle and once you break it thats half the battle. Then it's just a case of rinse & repeat. Change even just one thing for 24hrs and you're already on your way.0
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Oops! double post! Good luck OP.0
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Madame_Goldbricker wrote: »I could be way off the mark but to me... It sounds like you're setting yourself unrealistic goals perhaps. You don't have to eat 100% "healthy" you can eat whatever you want if you choose to. Including having fast food/chocolate/wine or whatever you enjoy. It's all about remaining in a calorific deficit. Could you possibly go to the gym prior to work? Or maybe even a 20-30min walk on your lunch break whilst at work? It's a cycle and once you break it thats half the battle. Then it's just a case of rinse & repeat. Change even just one thing for 24hrs and you're already on your way.
I agree 100% with the above.
OP...don't make it too hard on yourself. I've lost 138 lb without ever thinking of myself as "a dieter on a diet".
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I also think you probably need more food during the day. I think that is one reason it is hard to resist the fast food on the way home. I would encourage you to eat about 400-500 calories at breakfast and lunch.
If it's so hard to go to the gym, take the pressure off yourself to go. You don't need exercise to lose weight. Focus on finding something that you enjoy, like walking with a friend, putting on music and dancing to it, etc. This would be for your health and feeling good rather than for weight loss.0 -
if your goal is primarily fat loss then you can continue eating the foods you like, just eat less of them. so yes, you can eat some ice cream, or cookies, pizza, etc just make sure that you are staying in a calorie deficit. I would set MFP to one pound per week loss and eat to that number, and do not worry about eating "100% healthy"...
also, exercise is not necessary for weigh loss. As someone else mentioned, find something that you like and do it...or if you do not want to, you do not have to...0 -
What are you doing at the gym? If you don't enjoy what you are doing there, you won't go. Especially if it is the same thing, every day. Find a class to join that sounds fun, or take a couple of sessions with a personal trainer to find an interesting rotation of exercises to do. Getting on the treadmill and walking for an hour a day can be boring and you will want to avoid it like the plague if you don't enjoy it. If your workout is something different each day, or something you actually enjoy, you will find yourself looking forward to going to the gym.
When it comes to the food, don't completely deprive yourself so you are sneaking the goodies. Allow yourself a small treat now and then so you aren't driven to 'cheat'. Just keep it within your calorie goal for the day, and you'll be fine.0 -
bump0
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I Totaly agree with the poster who mentioned that you might be setting unrealistic goals . I wouldn't be able to last either on the foods you mentioned, I'd be at McDonald's too!!
Don't deprive yourself, you can have foods that you love in moderation. Use portion control. I didn't look to see if your diary is open, but from reading your post it sounds like you might be too hard on yourself.0 -
Can you go to the gym before going to work? I try to get there, or to get out running, before I'm even really awake enough to talk myself out of it. I have a much harder time convincing myself to go after work - when all I want to do is go home, or have a drink with a friend.
Not sure about the fast food compulsion. Do you track it? It'll help you be honest with yourself and look at what the fast food did for your overall eating that day. I know when I first started (years ago, on a different site), seeing that helped me realize a quality versus quantity thing. If I'm going to "spend" 800 calories on a burger and fries, that's fine as long as I counter it with that day's work out, but it's going to be a special treat, and it's going to be a damned good burger with sweet potato fries from a local joint, not the cardboard meat they have at fast food chains. Kind of like how I stopped eating store bought cookies. Cookies are great. But the calories are way more worth it when they're homemade. Etc.0 -
Madame_Goldbricker wrote: »I could be way off the mark but to me... It sounds like you're setting yourself unrealistic goals perhaps. You don't have to eat 100% "healthy" you can eat whatever you want if you choose to. Including having fast food/chocolate/wine or whatever you enjoy. It's all about remaining in a calorific deficit. Could you possibly go to the gym prior to work? Or maybe even a 20-30min walk on your lunch break whilst at work? It's a cycle and once you break it thats half the battle. Then it's just a case of rinse & repeat. Change even just one thing for 24hrs and you're already on your way.
I agree with the above post. If you love fast food, check out the calorie info online or on their instore menu, and order accordingly. a big mac is under 600 calories. You can do this OP.
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Madame_Goldbricker wrote: »I could be way off the mark but to me... It sounds like you're setting yourself unrealistic goals perhaps. You don't have to eat 100% "healthy" you can eat whatever you want if you choose to. Including having fast food/chocolate/wine or whatever you enjoy. It's all about remaining in a calorific deficit. Could you possibly go to the gym prior to work? Or maybe even a 20-30min walk on your lunch break whilst at work? It's a cycle and once you break it thats half the battle. Then it's just a case of rinse & repeat. Change even just one thing for 24hrs and you're already on your way.
^Yep0 -
You are right to say it is like being bi polar. Satan tries to attack us all in our minds. It's what he does. He loves to keep you in your rut so you feel hopeless. I will help you find your way out. Send me a FR if you are interested.0
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You are right to say it is like being bi polar. Satan tries to attack us all in our minds. It's what he does. He loves to keep you in your rut so you feel hopeless. I will help you find your way out. Send me a FR if you are interested.
What in the sweet heck does any of this have to do with your own personal religious beliefs. Seriously.0 -
Maybe look at yourself in a more honest way--particularly your fears. What are you afraid of that fat is serving as an excuse or protection? I was always afraid to diet because I was raised by yo-yo dieters who lost and gained lots of weight throughout my childhood so I saw weightloss as a recipe to suffer for a long time, achieve the loss, then fail and feel depressed. I never even tried to lose weight because it was "useless" or a waste of time.
Think about if something similar is holding you back. Not specifically fear of failure--maybe even a fear of success can be stopping you.
I also agree that you should go for a gradual, sustainable, slow change that isn't focused only on the # on the scale. Maybe get a supportive helpful trainer, sign up for some fun intro classes at the gym. Create a situation where you have a little bit of accountability but not something that is going to make you feel punished or ashamed...
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OP, I took a look at your diary and just want to echo some sentiments already expressed, but pointing to your own diary as an example. I don't know all your stats, but 1230 a day isn't very much at all. I suspect you put in that you want to lose the maximum allowed by MFP, which is why you come up with so few calories. Honestly, I would have sabotaged myself long ago (and I've lost in total almost 90 lbs!) if I could only look forward to 1200 cals. I would just about bet my life that if you could do 3 meals (since that what you seems to like) at about 450-500 cals each and two 100 cal snacks you would still lose weight, but feel so much better. Would the weight loss be a bit slower....yes. But might you stick with it and not sneak eat...possibly. And if you were able to not feel that shame, would that be a good step to stopping your cycle of self-destruction...probably.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed, don't feel like a failure. You are a worthy person and perhaps just expecting too much of yourself all at once. Seriously, think hard about trying 1600 or 1700 cals a day, but be honest and be consistent. If after a week or two or three of this you notice a difference and start to feel better, then think about the gym or taking a walk.
Good luck!0 -
What are you doing at the gym? If you don't enjoy what you are doing there, you won't go. Especially if it is the same thing, every day. Find a class to join that sounds fun, or take a couple of sessions with a personal trainer to find an interesting rotation of exercises to do. Getting on the treadmill and walking for an hour a day can be boring and you will want to avoid it like the plague if you don't enjoy it. If your workout is something different each day, or something you actually enjoy, you will find yourself looking forward to going to the gym.
When it comes to the food, don't completely deprive yourself so you are sneaking the goodies. Allow yourself a small treat now and then so you aren't driven to 'cheat'. Just keep it within your calorie goal for the day, and you'll be fine.
100% agree with this, plus one more thing --> Simple truth: if you just hate the gym, you won't be able to keep going. Some of us just aren't gym people, so why keep insisting on it? Try other things. Even walking outside can be a lot more interesting. Join a team sport. Or go the gym (or YMCA) just for the pool and take up swimming. Anything that actually sounds like fun instead of sweaty group torture.
Edit: for spelling.0 -
Also, I started out by exercising (for years!) before making any changes in my diet. Exercise will improve a lot for you and possibly provide some motivation, improved mood, better sleep, you will look better to yourself, etc. A lot of people have issues and hang-ups around food that are very difficult to face but getting moving can be a great start.
I found that putting all my food issues to the side and working on exercising consistently paved the way to gradually making other changes: I now track my food, try to make healthy choices, I smoke A LOT less cigarettes and drink less, etc.
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I am also probably off the mark, since I don't know you. But discovering this same feeling in myself resulted in some soul searching in asking myself some difficult questions. Primarily, what or who am I hiding myself from? What "protection" is my layer of fat giving me? For me, it had to do with some sexual abuse. Until I realized that the protection was never really there, and that my lack of care to my body was going to shorten or decrease my quality of life as I age, I couldn't stick to anything consistently. Good luck to you!0
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Thank you to all who replied.
It is just a mental thing...ironically I work with people who do the same type of self sabotage. ..and I am supposed to "help" them.
There is a lot of safety and predictability in being fat. Nothing changes.
I am ready for changes. I need to conquer these issues.
As for food, I eat plenty, and have plenty of food available to me at home. I just want unhealthy fried food. ..just as a self sabotage.
I am not expecting much from myself, except change, and even a small change seems overwhelming. But, I am sticking it out. I log to MFP every day. Log all my food, and will be successful. ...this will happen. Tired of being owned by fatness.0 -
I think the problem with a lot of people is that they think they have to suffer to lose weight. They think they have to buy special food and eat salads and go to the gym and never eat dessert again,etc. When you think like that, it is overwhelming and seems like your life would be horrible.
You don't have to do any of that. Just start with a small deficit and fit in what you want to eat. After a while, you will figure our which foods are worth all the calories to you and adjust accordingly. You will see that with exercise you can eat a tiny bit more. You will start to see what works for YOU.
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I used to be the same, you really can't change everything all at once, those who can are freaking super human. I have a million times more healthier lifestyle than I did a couple years ago, but I did it gradually, like I just swapped all drinks for water at first. Made half my plate salad/veggies... baby steps. I've never even been to a gym and i'm happy with my body now after a 55+ lb loss. exercise should be fun
I do it when I feel like it, and it's mostly in the form of dancing in my room to rock music 
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