I sit next to an angry person

Genette38
Genette38 Posts: 51 Member
edited November 10 in Health and Weight Loss
All day at work, I sit next to an angry person. This person takes all their frustrations and vomits them all over the office on a daily basis in the forms of loud exclamations, banging items around, claiming everyone is out to get them and it's all so unfair (you get the idea). They blame other people for their failures and expect perfection from everyone around them.

As an emotional eater and someone who learnt as a child to be afraid when people are angry, I'm finding this tough to deal with as I then get stressed and anxious, even if it's nothing to do with me. That makes me want to eat and I'm finding it hard to cope without my comfort foods.

I can't move desks, I'm looking for a new job but it's proving to be a difficult task, I can't confront them about it as they're so volatile that they will get even more upset and I will then get in trouble for 'being mean' to them. I can't complain to my manager as it will be obvious who said it and then I'm in for a whole world of retribution. Humour doesn't seem to be received well.

I think I am going to have to find a coping strategy from within as this situation is unlikely to change soon. Any tips for ways that I can deal with this?

Thanks

Siousix

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Replies

  • Elise4270
    Elise4270 Posts: 8,375 Member
    Sounds like a hostile environment. Talk to your supervisor and/or HR.
  • yankeedownsouth
    yankeedownsouth Posts: 717 Member
    Elise4270 wrote: »
    Sounds like a hostile environment. Talk to your supervisor and/or HR.

    This. Even if you think you'll end up dealing with more **** because of it, you really need to say something to your manager or HR. It's the only way things will improve, even if it takes a while.
  • richjones1968
    richjones1968 Posts: 25
    You shouldn`t have to put up with such behaviour but life`s never perfect; Even if you`re not in a position to vocalise your thoughts about their behaviour try and see comedy in the anger - think of them as a 2 year old and whatever they`re saying repeat back in your head imagining a child`s squeaky tantrum voice and stamping foot..
    Remember that their anger is a venting of stress/frustration/depression at their own life and use it as a reminder that you`re taking control of your life..

    Good luck (scratch that, what you`re going to achieve is not luck, just your own determination and effort)
    Hope it goes well for you.
  • Genette38
    Genette38 Posts: 51 Member
    Thank you all. I think you're right, I need to have a confidential chat with my manager.

    My colleague has just had a loud argument with her boyfriend on the phone and she seems eve worse with him. Trying the 2 year old voice does make it funnier.
  • Branstin
    Branstin Posts: 2,320 Member
    Honestly, you should request a meeting with your manager and that employee to put it all on the table once and for all.
  • Marie047
    Marie047 Posts: 240 Member
    Speak to your manager, can you listen to music in the office, if so switch it on and put your headphones on and drown her out. I do this a lot when I have lots of work I need to get done and it works rather well
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,151 Member
    Branstin wrote: »
    Honestly, you should request a meeting with your manager and that employee to put it all on the table once and for all.

    +1
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
    I agree about speaking with your manager. Is there a way the manager can frequently be within hearing distance? Then they can use the "I was nearby and heard . . . " rather than making it obvious that you went to them.
  • sjd1974
    sjd1974 Posts: 12 Member
    In addition to speaking to your manager about this, why don't you try writing out some affirmations or a motivational quote or a bible verse about being strong and remaining positive? That way, when you feel yourself stressed you can read those to yourself and meditate on them. It's HARD not letting someone elses negative emotions affect you and I can sympathize with this! Just keep speaking positively to yourself and push out the negative junk this person spews. Who knows, maybe YOU will have an affect on him/her? Good luck!
  • Clawsal
    Clawsal Posts: 255 Member
    Blaming someone else for your comfort eating is not going to help you. Even if you can't change this person's behaviour you have full control over your own.

    I would deal with the situation by confronting the person (since I am a confrontational person). Since you seem to be the exact opposite, taking it to the manager would be a good idea but be prepared to deal with the backlash.
  • hoyalawya2003
    hoyalawya2003 Posts: 631 Member
    I always find it helpful to imagine what it must be like being that person--angry all the time. Instead of feeling attacked, and like the anger is directed at me, it makes me stop and realize that the anger is within the other person. It would be awful to be angry all the time, and that sympathy helps me to overlook behavior that would otherwise drive me bonkers. I also remind myself that I cannot change the other person's behavior, but I can change my reaction to it--do you have the option of listening to music via headphones?
  • Clawsal
    Clawsal Posts: 255 Member
    I re-read my comment and the first part sounds mean. It wasn't intended as such. I just really think that sometimes excuses keep me from making progress (like it is not my fault, I have no control over it so I don't even try to control it).
  • JoanaMHill
    JoanaMHill Posts: 265 Member
    Clawsal wrote: »
    I re-read my comment and the first part sounds mean. It wasn't intended as such. I just really think that sometimes excuses keep me from making progress (like it is not my fault, I have no control over it so I don't even try to control it).

    She's not letting it be an excuse though, or rather, she doesn't want it to be. She wants to know how to deal with it so that it can be removed from the equation. She realizes that it stresses her out, and that when she stresses, she has a tendency to overeat. It is, perhaps, a habit she should take care of, but for now, there's are clear ways to prevent it.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    yankeedownsouth wrote: »
    Elise4270 wrote: »
    Sounds like a hostile environment. Talk to your supervisor and/or HR.

    This. Even if you think you'll end up dealing with more **** because of it, you really need to say something to your manager or HR. It's the only way things will improve, even if it takes a while.

    I agree with this as well. If it didn't help I'd start looking for a new position. I take this stuff pretty seriously as a person with anxiety, stress eating tendencies, etc.

    I know a lot of people probably think "oh please you're being too sensitive, suck it up" but for many of us it's just NOT that simple!
  • SergeantSausage
    SergeantSausage Posts: 1,673 Member
    Not that you should have to put up with all that but ... we all have to learn to deal with those chronic annoying stressors without running to our inappropriate coping mechanisms. Mine wasn't food, but I'd several times a day be running down the hall for a "stress relieving" (yeah right) smoke break before I quit smoking a few years back.

    Believe me - if you don't figure out how to be stressed and not eat, it's gonna keep coming around over and over and over again.
  • Karbum
    Karbum Posts: 124 Member
    Even if the co worker knows it is you. At least they have been spoken too and will have no choice but to be more mindful. They may not like you for it but at least you get some peace and quiet.

    If not, you could always try throwing in some head phones and playing relaxing music at your desk? :)
  • Branstin
    Branstin Posts: 2,320 Member
    While you are contemplating the best approach to take, buy yourself a set of headphones and download music to your cell phone or buy a music gadget like an ipod or mp3 player. This way you could tune her out until the issue is resolved. If your company allows it, you could listen to music on your computer at work, too.
  • Iwishyouwell
    Iwishyouwell Posts: 1,888 Member
    edited January 2015
    hoyalawya2003 wrote: »
    I always find it helpful to imagine what it must be like being that person--angry all the time. Instead of feeling attacked, and like the anger is directed at me, it makes me stop and realize that the anger is within the other person. It would be awful to be angry all the time, and that sympathy helps me to overlook behavior that would otherwise drive me bonkers. I also remind myself that I cannot change the other person's behavior, but I can change my reaction to it--do you have the option of listening to music via headphones?

    This is a place of employment, not the waiting room of a psych office. Nobody should be expected to resort to listening to music in order to drown out inappropriate office behavior that's disruptive to the environment.

    This chick needs to be fired and I hope the OP reports this disgusting behavior. She can have all the sympathy for her she wants on a personal level, but professionally this should not be tolerated.
  • Virkati
    Virkati Posts: 679 Member
    I've been in your situation. It's a hostile work environment. Document EVERYTHING. Talk to you supervisor and document THAT too. Document if there are any changes at all, positive and negative. Especially document if there is any retribution from anyone due to your report. Give them some time to take care of the issues after you take it to your supervisor. THEY have to document enough to be able to fire her "with cause" and cover their own butts.

    Until then, chewing on straws is what I found to be extremely helpful. Or gum, but I hate gum. Set an alarm so that once every hour you get up, get away, and do something like walk for 2-5 minutes. Get one of those squeezing things for building strength in your hand and use it whenever you get the urge to put something in your mouth. When she gets started on a rant, stop, center yourself and take a few very deep breaths. Let them out slowly. HER chaos doesn't need to be YOUR chaos.

    If you get your supervisor and HR involved, they are REQUIRED by law to do something and they can NOT go after you, neither can anyone else. Do the best you can to cope, document like your life depends on it, and remember to breathe.
  • scraver2003
    scraver2003 Posts: 526 Member
    I had to deal with a similar situation at a previous job. I agree with talking to your manager. I also agree with the suggestion about listening to music. Another thing that worked for me, which is a little new-agey... but can be done right away. I was told once to imagine a ball of happiness light at your midsection. Then clasp your hands togther to "hold it there". Imagine that no one can touch it or deminish it. It sounds hokey - but it helped me try to stay positive and to focus on my own positive thoughts and energy.
  • trackercasey76
    trackercasey76 Posts: 781 Member
    Stand up and say "Shut the hell up"
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    It's a tough spot to be in. I had a similarly hostile co-worker across the aisle from me (glass walls) for months. She was finally moved, thank God. Fighting an immature person drags you down to their level and is useless. You've already figured out this woman is not terribly self-aware so pointing out that she needs to change for everyone's sanity is not going to help much. I like the idea of at least alerting your manager to the stressful environment. They need to be alerted that they may lose a valuable employee over this (you). Keep looking for work in the meantime.

    http://www.prevention.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-tips/how-prevent-weight-gain-due-stress-and-anxiety

    From this article it looks like limiting your caffeine and alcohol will help, as well as making sure you get enough sleep.
    http://dujs.dartmouth.edu/fall-2010/the-physiology-of-stress-cortisol-and-the-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal-axis#.VLVcqCvF98E

    While I was dealing with miss priss I used any strategy at my disposal to deal. That included putting a poster up on my glass wall so I didn't have to look at her face. I used humour whenever I could get away with it. A smile and a cheerful greeting in the morning (no response) and I left her alone.
  • cookiekrunch
    cookiekrunch Posts: 65 Member
    I have dealt with this situation. I brought a mini radio to work and stayed under headphones. Plus, I took lots of walks to separate myself from and her tirades. Believe it or not, deep breathing exercises can help as a stress reliever.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,724 Member
    Iwishyouwell wrote: »
    hoyalawya2003 wrote: »
    I always find it helpful to imagine what it must be like being that person--angry all the time. Instead of feeling attacked, and like the anger is directed at me, it makes me stop and realize that the anger is within the other person. It would be awful to be angry all the time, and that sympathy helps me to overlook behavior that would otherwise drive me bonkers. I also remind myself that I cannot change the other person's behavior, but I can change my reaction to it--do you have the option of listening to music via headphones?

    This is a place of employment, not the waiting room of a psych office. Nobody should be expected to resort to listening to music in order to drown out inappropriate office behavior that's disruptive to the environment.

    This chick needs to be fired and I hope the OP reports this disgusting behavior. She can have all the sympathy for her she wants on a personal level, but professionally this should not be tolerated.

    I know. Must be nice to be so confident in her job that she would behave this way at work! I suspect such behaviors contribute to the very quiet security "walk outs" that we see an employee go through from time to time. Everywhere there's talk about layoffs and you'll just give your boss an iron clad reason to dismiss you???
  • PMB0404
    PMB0404 Posts: 13 Member
    The listening music idea is a good one while your management team gets it taken care of. You might also start getting up (if possible) when this starts and walking away from it for a few minutes. I am a supervisor and if I had employee acting this way, I would DEFINITELY want to know about it. I certainly wouldn't want to lose a good employee over a high-maintenance wacko! Speak to your manager....chances are that he/she already is aware of the situation, but you saying something will remind them that they need to DO something about it.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    start a youtube channel :)
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    edited January 2015
    You should be contacting your HR department to discuss it with them. Firing an employee for creating a hostile work environment is perfectly valid.

    This is especially a concern since you are contemplating leaving the position to escape this person.

    Also, I doubt you're the only person who it bothers and who hears. It would not be obvious to this person that you're the one who complained. HR can deal with the issue anonymously if you feel threatened.

    If you doubt that your HR department will deal with it in a satisfactory manner, there are third party mediators you can contact. It's likely your company already works with one and would recommend that company. Check your policy manual.

    Don't let this person affect your eating. The hostile individual is blaming everyone else for her problems. You don't need to start doing that too. Your food choices are on you.
  • sssgilber
    sssgilber Posts: 90 Member
    When you talk to your manager and/or HR, mention your concern about retribution. When someone confronts her about her behavior, they can emphasize that no one is to be bullied as a result.

    Also, you don't know if your complaint is the first one reported or the last one needed to make your company deal with the problem. Some employees are one step away from termination and your complaint can make a difference.
  • La5Vega5Girl
    La5Vega5Girl Posts: 709 Member
    Marie047 wrote: »
    Speak to your manager, can you listen to music in the office, if so switch it on and put your headphones on and drown her out. I do this a lot when I have lots of work I need to get done and it works rather well

    i was just about to respond with wearing headphones if that is possible and listening to music while working. also, complain to someone. even if things get worse temporarily, eventually, something will be done about. i worked in a similar situation and come to find out, the person i complained about had a file a mile long and i was eventually moved to another dept.

  • La5Vega5Girl
    La5Vega5Girl Posts: 709 Member
    i love the idea of chewing gum as stated in a prev. post. also, the chewing on straws. (coffee stirrers) i think what the OP needs to realize is that even if this person is fired or moved, that deep insecurity of not knowing how to handle stress will NOT go away. it's not this disruptive co-worker that is the problem - it's the OP's problem. (not being rude...) you must learn to deal with things like this b/c they will repeat in your life in other areas. trying to find an "out" that doesn't involve eating is crucial. i also loved the idea of getting up every hour to go to the bathroom and to get a drink. this will break-up your day and keep you from eating. :smile: HTH
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