any other ladies going through or been through a divorce

jend114
jend114 Posts: 1,058 Member
edited September 26 in Chit-Chat
with a young child? My daughter is 2 and I thought this was what I wanted but now I'm not sure. He's the one who said he wanted it first and I've come to accept it but now I'm not so sure this is what I want. Would love some friends to talk to!

Replies

  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
    I was divorced when my daughter was 3. It was my decision and the best one I have ever made for myself. Feel free to message me if you want.
  • marathonmom72
    marathonmom72 Posts: 191 Member
    Very scary starting over, on your own with a little one. My son was about that age when his Dad left. I don't know all your circumstances - so certainly can't speak to whether or not it's the right thing to do, but it's impossible to make someone else do something they don't want to do. That was a very dark time for me, but I came out of it a stronger person! Hang in there!!
  • jrp31
    jrp31 Posts: 47 Member
    I'm still married but for a lot of years it was so close to going there. Now we are happier than I ever thought possible. If there is any chance you can save your marriage and work on it do it! I have seen the effects on divorce from kids I worked with in my church youth group, and it wasn't pretty. Not saying all kids have major issues from it but it's traumatic, to say the least. I would try to get him to go see a GOOD counselor (there are many craptastic ones out there) with you. Many of our issues in marriage come from selfishness on both spouses parts. Remember you can only work on yourself. Be the spouse to him that you would want him to be to you. And a great book is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura. It's easy to be defensive while reading it but if you can get over yourself and follow her advice it is amazing the miracles that will happen in your marriage!! Good luck! :heart:
  • cupfanncbms
    cupfanncbms Posts: 101
    My husband informed a week and a half ago that he wanted a divorce and moved out. I don't know if he's filed yet. I am trying to get an attorney, but with no money, it's pretty hard. *sigh*

    We have five children-13, 11, 5, 3, and 11 months today.

    I feel pretty lost. Although, it's been a long time coming. It's still such a huge adjustment. I've been a SAHM for years; I don't know where to begin. Of course, with the economy being what it is, I may have to be a SAHM for a while longer... child care would suck up nearly everything I make. Add the rising cost of fuel, and it almost isn't worth letting someone else raise my children.
  • marci355
    marci355 Posts: 292
    When I divorced my 1st dirt bag, 'er husband, my daughter was barely over a year. Best thing I could have done. It's an adjustment, but you'll get your groove back. Add me if you like. I know a lot about divorce, been thru it 3 times.(i'm 56) I definitely will NOT EVER get married again, unless I know for sure he's the right guy. My heart cannot handle another divorce. They hurt way too bad....Yep, been single a long time too. Years and years would go by, before I would even start dating again. So I'm just a fountain of divorce info! LOL
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
    What does he want? Is he willing to try counseling?
    I think before divorcing couples counseling could be a last ditch effort!
  • Marcus_E
    Marcus_E Posts: 124
    Okay I'm not a lady, but I did divorce one, several reasons led to the decision and as a child of a two divorces, I wanted to pass on some advice if possible.

    As kimber says, I'd suggest to find out what he does want and to ask what the reasoning's are. Most blokes don't go into detail and this can be from hiding something sometimes as well. There are very few real reasons why divorce should happen, these tend to be infidelity, abuse or social/criminal issues.

    Marriages and relationships in general can be re-ignited, if each party understands the reasons. It's painful to go through yourself, however, you do have your life ahead of you as well and it does get easier. On one hand, your child is too young to understand, it will be weird at first, but if there isn't too much disruption the child will settle.

    I would seek counseling, it may help you, but there is also a great book that I read when another relationship ended called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Also a quick blog link for Relationship First Aid: http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/348

    I hope it all works out for you both, what ever you finally chose to do.
  • Autumn1206
    Autumn1206 Posts: 126
    I've been divorced, with a step child. I was the leave-er in our case, and it was tough, but it was the best thing. Unfortunately, no one but your husband really knows why he left and maybe it is still salvageable. I would definitely ask him about the counseling if he hasn't already, but if he is not willing to try the counseling, then you just have to put away the hurt you feel about the divorce and do what is best for your child. I know that is easier said than done, but we women are capable of amazing feats when it comes to the best interests of our children. I hope that everything works out for the best, however that will be, and that you are able to heal from this hurt, whether he comes back or not.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce.
  • jend114
    jend114 Posts: 1,058 Member
    He flat out refuses to go to marriage counseling. I've been going myself
  • Voncreepy2
    Voncreepy2 Posts: 1,450 Member
    Pray! My husband and I had a few rocky years of marriage and I began going to church and really getting in touch with my Faith in God. It helped so much. My husband now goes too and we get a long so well now. I believe if I have learned anything in almost 12 years together, you have ups and downs and not everyone gives 100% all of the time. Either you fight for it or you don't. Having said this...since he is the one initiating all of this there may not be much you can do. Good luck to you!!!!
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
    He flat out refuses to go to marriage counseling. I've been going myself

    Well then I have to say throw in the towel
    If he really cared about making this relationship should he should be open to ANYTHING

    sorry ((HUGS))
    Kim
  • lyla29
    lyla29 Posts: 3,549 Member
    He flat out refuses to go to marriage counseling. I've been going myself

    I also went to counseling by myself and it helped me but we're still getting divorced. There are some books that my therapist had me read that helped me also, I don't remember the names but one was about building blocks you need to get through. :flowerforyou:
  • kbanksjr
    kbanksjr Posts: 5
    I'm male but today I brought up I was unhappy and now my wife is moving out (we live with my mom). She always wanted to change me but she was never willing to make changes herself and I wanted it to work but she just wants to give up I'm not allowed to get mad when she posts on forums how she doesn't love me then goes out with some "guy friend" ive never met just the two of them cause nothing happened. Even after I caught her saying some really horrible things about me I wanted to work on our relationship and put it behind us. I told her that we should try a separation and go to counseling and at first she said no but I just got a text not too long ago that she will idk what her intentions are and at this point idk if I can have any amount of trust nor do I know if she will admit anything. I've thrown all my regrets and faults out but she wont admit anything is wrong with her. BTW we have a soon to be 1 year old. I think the separation is the only thing that could may help things otherwise I guess its over. I'm in a scary position right now.
  • jrp31
    jrp31 Posts: 47 Member
    My husband wouldn't go to counseling either, frankly I think that's a guy thing (most, definitely not all). We made it through anyway. It's still hard sometimes. I have lots of years of bad habits to change, and so does he. You need to take a really hard look at yourself and see what you can do to improve the marriage. I agree with the poster who mentioned asking him what he wants. It won't be easy if he gives you a list of things to change, but honestly look at them and be willing to make adjustments. And get the Dr. Laura book! Let him know you're reading it. That in and of itself might help.
  • Cindib13
    Cindib13 Posts: 234 Member
    I divorced my husband in 2009. We just grew apart and I was unhappy. Our children were older (12 and 10). I thought it would make both of us happier but soon after the divorce was final I realized it was a huge mistake. I sought guidance and help through church and a wonderful website. http://rejoiceministries.org/ I started to stand for my marriage to be restored and in December 2010 my ex-husband and I were remarried. I wish we never got divorced to begin with but we are closer now than ever before. I hope you visit this site and it helps. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. ((Hugs))
  • Rocki_
    Rocki_ Posts: 165 Member
    I'm male but today I brought up I was unhappy and now my wife is moving out (we live with my mom). She always wanted to change me but she was never willing to make changes herself and I wanted it to work but she just wants to give up I'm not allowed to get mad when she posts on forums how she doesn't love me then goes out with some "guy friend" ive never met just the two of them cause nothing happened. Even after I caught her saying some really horrible things about me I wanted to work on our relationship and put it behind us. I told her that we should try a separation and go to counseling and at first she said no but I just got a text not too long ago that she will idk what her intentions are and at this point idk if I can have any amount of trust nor do I know if she will admit anything. I've thrown all my regrets and faults out but she wont admit anything is wrong with her. BTW we have a soon to be 1 year old. I think the separation is the only thing that could may help things otherwise I guess its over. I'm in a scary position right now.

    I've been where you are (but on the other side, since I am female... but reverse your roles and that was my life... and it suck
    ed! Please believe me when I tell you it WILL get better!!! Msg me if you'd like to chat. If not, no harm no foul. I just had to say... you are not alone. Best wishes to you :)
  • krismickey
    krismickey Posts: 6
    I went through my divorce when my son was 5-6. It was a VERY rough time in my life, but since then I found a great guy, got remarried, gained a step-son and have had two more beautiful children. I promise that there IS life after divorce. I knew mine was for the best, but it didn't make it any easier.
    Please message me if you want to talk. :smile:
  • orting514
    orting514 Posts: 153
    Yep i'm a 2 time winner, (Not looser), the 2nd my kids were 9 and 10.
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    I went through a divorce 10 years ago when my children were 11 and 9. I got him to counselling, but he just saw it as man-bashing and couldn't take anything on board. I then found out some bad things about him and confronted him and he denied it until all the evidence was presented to him.

    It was really really tough even though I was the instigator. I had a good job, but it was not really enough to pay the mortgage, and then he re-partnered and refused to pay child support because of his girlfriend's children.

    So, ten years on I can tell you that it was totally worth it. I look at him now and he would have dragged us through the mud that his life has become.

    I remarried and was happy until my second husband got sick and died. My children has grown up wonderfully and are both at university. They know the value of 'things', they know about the tight love of our little family, and they are good people.

    *hugs* and I wish you all the best.

    GG
  • Stacey765
    Stacey765 Posts: 86 Member
    My husband decided on Monday that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, wouldn't give me a reason or anything. He is also refusing to go to counseling because he "doesn't think it will change the way he feels" It just sucks because I hate the idea that someone else can decide my marriage is over, and apparently I wasn't even important enough to be apart of the conversation. I had to travel to Indiana to tell my folks, didn't want to tell them over the phone. While I was visiting my family, my grandpa died. Just wondering how this could get any worse. I have been a stay at home mom for a couple of years, with no education beyond high school. He is our bread winner, out only bread winner and I don't know what to do. It is scary being on your own -- especially when you really aren't on your own!! (I have a 2 year old son)
  • jend114
    jend114 Posts: 1,058 Member
    My husband decided on Monday that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, wouldn't give me a reason or anything. He is also refusing to go to counseling because he "doesn't think it will change the way he feels" It just sucks because I hate the idea that someone else can decide my marriage is over, and apparently I wasn't even important enough to be apart of the conversation. I had to travel to Indiana to tell my folks, didn't want to tell them over the phone. While I was visiting my family, my grandpa died. Just wondering how this could get any worse. I have been a stay at home mom for a couple of years, with no education beyond high school. He is our bread winner, out only bread winner and I don't know what to do. It is scary being on your own -- especially when you really aren't on your own!! (I have a 2 year old son)

    I'm sorry Stacey! I know what thats like. Feel free to message me or add me as a friend!
  • hill2302
    hill2302 Posts: 139 Member
    I'm a man going thru one. With three girls, 4, 6 and 8. It's definitley very scarry.

    If there's a chance to work things out, ten it's worth it, but other are right, that you both have to want to do that. I wasted so much energy trying to make my wife want the same thing. Know this: the only person you can control is yourself. The sooner you realize that, the better off you are going to be.

    Start getting your life in order as if you are are ready to move on without him. Start moving on and he will see that you are doing it. That may send him a message and make him realize what he's really giving up by leaving the marriage.

    I'm glad you're going to counselling, as am I. It helps for sure.

    Best of luck.
  • lyla29
    lyla29 Posts: 3,549 Member
    My husband decided on Monday that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, wouldn't give me a reason or anything. He is also refusing to go to counseling because he "doesn't think it will change the way he feels" It just sucks because I hate the idea that someone else can decide my marriage is over, and apparently I wasn't even important enough to be apart of the conversation. I had to travel to Indiana to tell my folks, didn't want to tell them over the phone. While I was visiting my family, my grandpa died. Just wondering how this could get any worse. I have been a stay at home mom for a couple of years, with no education beyond high school. He is our bread winner, out only bread winner and I don't know what to do. It is scary being on your own -- especially when you really aren't on your own!! (I have a 2 year old son)

    That's about what happened with me. I went to counseling by myself and it helped me a lot. It didn't change the situation, but it helped me deal with it. I have three young boys, and stayed home for 11 years so it's a big adjustment for me. Feel free to message/friend me. :flowerforyou:
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