A personal admission for recovery.

missmilarae0213
missmilarae0213 Posts: 42 Member
edited September 27 in Health and Weight Loss
Hi. My name is Emily. And I'm a bulimic.

I've been a bulimic since I was about 14. I'm 29 now. I like to sometimes say I'm 'recovered' for two years. But that's not accurate. Its better to say I'm "admitted" for the past two years. Most bulimics are closet cases. I outted myself because I want to get better. And I'm outting myself again here because I'm struggling, a lot.

If you look at my journals, they don't look bad. But honestly, I haven't been logging everything during a binge. I'm too ashamed and pissed at myself for not stopping. And sometimes its a blur. I honestly don't remember what I consumed so quickly. I will often (and have recently) eatten to the point I feel sick and in pain. I have abused OTC diuretics recently and been preoccupied with laxative purging (another old pattern that I'm barely staving off.) I'm again obsessed with overexercising to the point where I hurt from sun-up to sun-down and all the time between. My joints hurt from the stress of working out but the guilt drives me to push harder. I know I can't keep this up, but I can't stop either knowing I have to eat again eventually. I see myself as grossly huge. I don't know how my size 14 clothes fit. Surely everyone can see how disgusting my fat rolls are and I'm beyond self-conscious. Guilt, binge, purge. I'm at the point now where I can't remember what normal is. And it scares the hell out of me.

I put on this smiley face and say I'm handling it. But I'm not. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just looking for witnesses. I am stronger than this. I am admitting my problems to you all now as my first step again to recovery. I've met some great people on MFP who make me want to be stronger. It took a long time for me to even admit to a problem. But like they say, it doesn't matter how many times you fall off the horse - its how many times you get back on...

Thank you all for being inspiring.

xoxox

Emily

Replies

  • lhurtubise
    lhurtubise Posts: 693 Member
    Wow I know this must be hard to admit. I wish you the best! If you need more support feel free to add me :smile:
  • Flyntiggr
    Flyntiggr Posts: 898 Member
    Emily -

    I've never had an eating disorder, so I can't speak to that, but I can wish you luck in your recovery and hope you are successful. Please make sure you get all the help you need to 1)overcome everything and 2) be as healthy as you can be. :)
  • JulsDiane
    JulsDiane Posts: 349 Member
    (((((hugs))))) :flowerforyou:
  • LuneBleu85
    LuneBleu85 Posts: 217
    You are amazing for putting this out there. Best of luck on your journey to being healthy! I find a lot of strength in the quote attached to my signature, and you are so right about getting back on the horse.
    Hang in there girl, you can do it :)
  • FJMilner
    FJMilner Posts: 407
    Wow, well done you for putting it out there and admitting (to yourself and everyone else) that you have this problem. I hope we can help you....I don't have any answers....but Im usually here for encouragement and support! :flowerforyou:
  • EmmyRose
    EmmyRose Posts: 54 Member
    Hey,

    My name's Emily too.
    I would be more then happy to add you as a friend, and encourage, support and help you through your tough times.
    I don't know what having an ed is like, but it sure sounds extremely difficult, and I can imagine you need all the support you can get.
    Feel free to add me, if you want a friend :)
  • Septembergirl23
    Septembergirl23 Posts: 106 Member
    As a former anorexic who took a drastic turn in the other direction, I commend you for stepping forward. :flowerforyou:

    It is so hard to get the right balance of self love over self loathing. I still have trouble maintaining my calorie balance but I am trying to eat more so I can lose the weight I have put on. Feel free to add me if you would like to.
  • ratkins811
    ratkins811 Posts: 190 Member
    you have taken a big step by sharing this with everyone and I applaud you for this. I am concerned for your health too. Is there anyone you can talk with nearby that can help you work on this. I cant remember if you said you have talked with a doctor or not about this. I would assume there must be somewhere you can call to get help with this from a professional on a 24 hour basis. Hopefully someone can help you find somewhere you can call.
  • lonniedoll
    lonniedoll Posts: 14
    Be encouraged, because you are already courageous on your journey to a physically and mentally healthy happy you.
  • arabellastrange
    arabellastrange Posts: 27
    Hi Emily,
    My name is Belle and I am anorexic.
    I had three bouts in my younger days and now, in my 40s it kicked in again. I too have outed myself this time round. I figure it's my best hope for recovery. I have stopped hiding under baggy clothes and pretending it's not happening. EDs are deceitful ilnesses and I am trying for honesty.
    I totally get what you are talking about: the shame, and the brave smile you speak of. I get the not logging properly, though I mostly manage. I also over exercise until my joints hurt and my feet bleed. It's the part of this I control least, to be honest. I am also scared. Always.
    I think your post is very, very brave.
    Belle
  • olyrose
    olyrose Posts: 569 Member
    We all have different issues with food here. I really admire you for being so honest with yourself and for exposing your thoughts to us here. I hope that you continue to get stronger and manage the improvements you are dedicated to making for yourself.

    Best of luck for you!
  • Shannmarrs
    Shannmarrs Posts: 117 Member
    You are so incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you continue in your journey to become the woman you want to be, and wish you nothing but the best.
  • SandyLee1961
    SandyLee1961 Posts: 133 Member
    Emily - I cannot state that I know what you are going though as I've never faced those issues. I can state that you are a very strong person for admitting what you have on such a public forum. I hope that you will continue to travel on this journey with the courage and bravery you have shown here. Stay strong and you will be in my thoughts. Should you need more support - in whatever small way I can, I will gladly be your friend :)
  • UnderCoverShyGirl
    UnderCoverShyGirl Posts: 254 Member
    It's amazing what putting stuff out where people can see it can do for you! I struggled with bulemia as a teen and was lucky that it didn't last more than a few years, but it was also easy to fall back in and out of it over the years to some degree. Good for you for taking it on yet again and deciding to keep fighting the fight! I know that sometimes when i am having a hard time and my diary is public, i end up not listing things because i'm embarrassed, but i have found that at those times, it's better that i make it private so at least i can log honestly and really see what i am doing/eating. Then when i'm back on track, i can make it public again without caring too much what the out of date stuff says.

    Good luck to you, i know how hard it is to resist the feeling/compulsion to purge, and I know that the battle can be beat. Keep us posted!
  • flyboy1
    flyboy1 Posts: 18 Member
    Hi Emily

    I have a similar issue as you however I am unable to purge. I am involved in a local study on binge eating. The fancy name is "An Emotion Regulation Approach to Stop Binge Eating". It offers "tools" that can be used to turn yourself around. If your google that you should get some hits on some of the tools. Don't get me wrong it is not a cure all solution. Your honest desire needs to be there to make it work. As anyone on this site will tell you the best thing you can do is don't quit, start each and every day as the new beginning to your life. I have over 100 lbs to lose and I truly wish I had started at 60 or 70 lbs.

    If you want to know more about what tools are available send me a friend request.

    Richard
  • summalovaable
    summalovaable Posts: 287 Member
    You've definitely taken the right first step by saying something. I'm a very recently "recovered" bulumic. I binged faithfully for two years straight until one day my mother confronted me about it. I cried for days had to go to a doctor nutritionist and a councillor. It was the worst most embarrassing experience. The shame alone was enough for me to stop...oh the bringing and over excercising did not stop but the purging did. I gained about 10 pounds back before I started a very slow journey into living a truly healthy lifestyle. I weigh less now by eating properly then I did when I was purging. It's not easy at all..I still catch myself thinking "just once" won't hurt...but I know better. I used to think of purging as ok but its not. I'm not going to rant any further but if you need to talk I'm 100% here
  • PrairieRoseNE
    PrairieRoseNE Posts: 265 Member
    Emily - I don't have any answers for the purging part - but I do know about binge eating, that's how I became overweight.
    For me - my body just doesn't tell me that it's full soon enough. Partly because I eat too fast. They say the French people take as long as an hour to eat a meal - heck, I'm thru with a 5 course meal in 10 min.

    So to help me learn to listen to my body saying it's full - I try to put my fork down between bites - I chew & chew & chew - I drink water between bites - I've even counted to 25 before taking another forkful. I force myself to give my stomach time to signal the brain to STOP wanting to eat.

    I don't know if these tips will help you - I'm not an expert on WHY other people binge eat - but I find myself eating because I'm bored - I eat because I'm upset, etc..... I'm learning to find other things to occupy me when I'm bored - reading a book or a new magazine, or in the long days of winter - I start new craft projects - in the summer it's activities outside. In the evenings I have to remind myself that the kitchen is CLOSED once supper is over.

    Again - I don't know if I've helped you - but I'll include you in my nightly prayers - God is sometimes the only answer!

    ((HUGS))
    ~~Prairie Rose
  • missmilarae0213
    missmilarae0213 Posts: 42 Member
    thank you all for your posts. :) It feels good to have it out there.
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