Should I be hurt by this?

SarahR1984 · May 2011

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but I need some opinions. This is about getting my hair done by my friend. So my good friend is in beauty school. I used to go to the beauty school to get my hair highlighted until my friend started going there and decided she was ready to do it at home so she could get all the money instead of just the tip. Now highlighting is $25 at the school. She's done my hair about 4 times at home and I've given her $35 each time. She insisted that was fine and that the supplys weren't very expensive under $10 or $15.

Now she has become very short on cash due to multiple trips out of state to visit with her new boyfriend. I took my son to the school and had her cut his hair. The cut was $7 and I tipped her $12 because I knew she needed grocerys that week. My hubbys b-day party came and she wanted to go but wasn't going to since she had no money. We gave her $20 in advance for the next time she did my hair so she could come out with all our friends. Two days ago we had a tigers game to go to. I was sick so I told her the night before that I wanted her to have my ticket ($35-free to her) since she's moving soon and she had wanted to go to the game but couldn't. We had time to sell the ticket the next day but when she brought this up I told her no I wanted her to have it. I love hanging out with her and it's a lot of fun.

So today I texted her and asked if she could do my hair one day next week. She texted me back with "Sure but I'll have to charge $70 just bc of all the lightner I used..but with the 20 before it'll be 50:)" REALLY? Out of nowhere, after I paid some in advance she's telling me it's gonna cost me $70? To have my hair done by a student, by a friend? I could go to the college and get it done by her for $25! I just felt like I've been a good friend and she won't cut me any slack.

Don't know if I should be hurt by this or not. But I broke down crying when I told my hubby. I just felt hurt. I know she was thinking of charging more because of her finances but $70, for a student? And for me? I just gave her a $35 ticket to a Tigers game and a charter bus 2 days ago! Should I be upset or am I over reacting?

I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I texted her back that I will take the $20 I paid in advance and go to the school and get it done for $25 instead. She replied with "what? ok whatever I'll get you your money" something along those lines. Then I let her know that my feelings were hurt, blah blah, what I said here pretty much. She told me it's because she doesn't have much time or money, no hard feelings really..."don't hate me!" So I guess we are ok. But should I be upset?

If you read all that, thanks! I am venting so it was a lot. I am usually very laidback and don't get upset. Sorry if this isn't the right spot, but I could use some support as I'm feeling a little down now.

thanks for any and all opinions!

mamagooskie · May 2011

I think you did the right thing. I would have been hurt too.

RHOyalT · May 2011

You definitely did the right thing. I would have been hurt too! The nerve!

kymarai · May 2011

Hard situation. I think you did the right thing though. A friend doesn't take advantage of you. I too would be hurt. Sometimes it is time to just say no!

PaulaJKelly · May 2011

You're braver than most. Instead of stuffing your feelings and going to her and paying the $70 you reminded her that you had pre-paid for her services. I would think that she is acting like everything is fine. I wouldn't expect your $20 back but I would let it go. I think if you are able to wait until she moves and find a new hairdresser at the school that would be the easiest for you. You were kind to her and sometimes these things happen. I wouldn't try and reconnect with her but I would do your best to forgive her. It ultimately helps you.

Athena413 · May 2011

I can definitely see why you'd be upset about it, but I can also see her side, too. I used to have a friend that would charge us nothing for the products she used...and she was an assistant manager at a hair salon here in town, not a student...then when her and another girl branched off and opened their own shop, she started charging a lot more...simply because they had to stay in business and couldn't afford all the breaks they had previously given friends and family. I think financially for you, you did what was best since you saved a good deal of money, but I don't know that I'd make a huge deal out of it...is a hair appointment worth losing a friend over? I'm sure if she's a good friend she'll understand if you'd rather pay $25 than $70 for the same service. That would be silly for you to pay that much if you could just go to the school and have another student do it for a lot less.

LettyM62 · May 2011

Sounds to me like she's trying to take advantage of your kindness.

MB_Positif · May 2011

Sounds like you handled it well, and so did she by being honest that she was doing it because she needed the money. Initially she really probably just wanted to ask you for some extra money to get by, but thought sort of filtering it into the hair coloring would make it easier.

sassylilmama · May 2011

I would have been hurt and pissed!

halexandra · May 2011

You definitely did the right thing! It's not your responsibility to take care of her finances- you can only help so much! And she was definitely taking advantage of your generosity.

McKayMachina · May 2011

She's probably just not thinking about it like that. You're keeping your own tallies that it doesn't sound like you shared with her so how can you expect that to be part of her perception? Sounds like you just need to call her and tell her you thought you guys were already square. If she disagrees, don't remind her of all the things you've done for her, it will just make her feel awful for not being more aware. And she will probably get defensive. If she doesn't see it your way, you ought to just have someone else do your hair from here on out.

Keep in mind, you offered all this extra money to her. I know you did it to be a good friend and so that you could have her company but you have to own that and you can't hold it against her.

Either way, if I were you, I'd just go to the college to get my hair done, regardless of whether she's working or not. Separate your friendship from business. Things will get better between you two that way.

38Gigi38 · May 2011

I would have been hurt as well...It seems to me like she is taking advantage of a good friends kindness.

dragonbug300 · May 2011

You were very generous to begin with... it sounds like she's almost freeloading off of your generosity. At least she acknowledged that by admitting she'd upped the price because she was low on funds. If she wants to run a business from home, even if it is just for friends, she needs to be consistent. By telling her that you were hurt, she can learn from her own mistakes.

Jacquelyn913 · May 2011

You did the right thing. Sounds like she was taking your nice gestures for granted.

srtiemann · May 2011

I would be hurt too! Paying a little more for extra supplies I do understand but to go up to $70 is a bit much. I hope you can salvage the friendship.

LauraLLee · May 2011

If she is your close friend you need to tell her how you feel and let her know how her actions have hurt you. Sometimes people are just oblivious of how they make people feel.
You seemed to have been a good friend to her. I hope if you talk to her she will respond in love towards you too.
And dont stop being giving just because it seems like it is the better thing to do. People with a heart like yours are rare and will be rewarded. Maybe not by the people we think it should come by, but I promise it will come back to you. So dont lose heart.

Nikkita29 · May 2011

I would be upset too... hurt and angry, to say the least. As long as you've said your piece and told her how you felt, there's not much else to do other than let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully she will come around and realize that even though she is hurting for money, she should never try to take advantage of a friend who has done nothing but help her. Hope everything works out for ya!

swchapman · May 2011

:flowerforyou: You had every right to feel the way you did.You ladies are friends and you've been good to her so you expected her to lookout for you.Remain friends b/c money changes alot of things she's down right now but she'll be back up soon.What you should do is continue to let her do your hair if you like her work but go to her where the coct is $25.00 and not tip so much.Feelings are feelings and sometime we get hurt but we get back up too.Feel better about this.

sundance2032 · May 2011

I agree with you, and if she was tight on money you both could have went and you paid for the highlighter. Then with the 20 you already paid her.

I don't know what she was thinking. I have a friend that went to beauty school and she did not charge me at all. I paid her, just like you did to your friend before, but I would be shocked if she did that to me.

Good luck and I hope everything is good between you two.

Shantre · May 2011

Seems like you have been giving giving giving and she has become used to it and may be trying to use you because you are nice.

crystalroy · May 2011

people are greedy. no offensive but noticed in my experience that stylist are at the top of the list.

Jena_72 · May 2011

Sounds to me like she's trying to take advantage of your kindness.

I agree.
A Qoute "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness" I think YOU definately fit this qoute! :flowerforyou: Feel better it'll be ok. Some people are only chapters in our lives. I personally would go back up to the school on a day I know she's not there and get it done with someone new.
Have a good weekend! One good way to feel better WORK OUT and release some endorphins!:drinker: :bigsmile: See now this post is MFP Certified!

live2smyle · May 2011

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

aflane · May 2011

It sounds like she's seriously taking advantage of your generosity and concern for her financial well-being. Back to the beauty school.... feel no guilt! And yes, I think you have a reason to feel hurt.

mehlen · May 2011

Gotta say I pretty much agree with most folks here. I'd be upset. Not because I'd given her the tickets and such...but I'm sorry...she's still a studemt sh has no business charging more than most salons charge for that service. *hugs*

TonyTrinch · May 2011

I agree with most everyone else who said, "I would feel hurt by that." It would most definitely hurt my feelings, and has in the past when simular situations happened. Mixing friendships and money generally ends badly.

That being said, I do see things a bit differently. While my feelings were hurt in the past from simular situations the lesson I learned from those experiences is this. If I find myself keeping a tally of money I've "lent" friends, dinners I've paid for, outings I helped finance, whatever the situation, then I need to learn to the word, "No."

My rule of thumb is I never "Lend" a friend money, period, end of sentence. I give them money, as I can afford it, but I go into the situation with NO expectation of being paid back. If I can't afford to never see that money again, then I don't get the jeopardize the friendship by lending it out. 95% of the time, I get paid back, woot and awesome. %5 of the time I don't. Those times I don't care because I never expected to be paid back in the first place, even if they said they would. They can say whatever they want, I don't lend the money with the expectation of seeing it again, so I am either surprised by the return or considered it a gift from the get-go.

I don't keep running tallies in my head of what I've done for other people. I do things for other people because I want to and can. It makes my life much simpler. I used to think I didn't keep running tallies, but I noticed that when someone didn't do something I expected from them, I would mentally run through all the "nice" things I'd done for them. I realized that no matter what I told myself, the truth was I wasn't doing those things "just to be nice," I was doing those things with the expectation of something in return later on down the road. That generally ended up with me hurt and feeling betrayed.

I can't control anyone else's actions or morals, but I can control mine. I really really really enjoy doing nice things for people I care about and I'm not going to let my own expectations of them turn that feeling into hurt and betrayal. The funny thing is, since I started acting in this way, rarely have I been "taken advantage of." I don't just toss out money willy nilly to anyone who asks me for it, learning to say "No" when it really isn't convenient or easy for me to do something has weeded out the folks that like to take advantage of people. They generally disappear from my life after the first "No," and thus are longer an issue to deal with.

Now certainly when I started acting this way, I was shocked to see how many "long time friends" got angry and upset at me for setting boundaries and I could understand their anger, I was changing the rules of our friendship, and I lost a few long time friends over that. Accepting that some of those "long term friends" weren't really friends was hard, but necessary if I was going clean my life up. Now the folks I have around me are folks that are totally Ok with the word No and are just as giving as I am. Part of being a giving person includes the responsibility of setting boundaries.

SarahR1984 · May 2011

Thanks so much everyone for all the replys! I really appreciate it. Time to move on for me. It's not about being paid back for the things I did for her at all. When I give people money I don't expect it back. I just assumed she would do what I would do in that situation and I was shocked when she didn't. I shouldn't assume people will do friends favors I guess.

I make awesome cakes. I spend from $20-50 on supplies for one cake, then spend 15-30 hours baking and putting them together. When I made them for co-workers I charged supplies and nothing extra for labor. Once I spend $60 on supplies and recieved $65 for the cake total. Usually people give me whatever extra they want and that's fine. This hair stylist friend of mine wants me to make her a cake for her going away party and I told her I would. She doesn't expect to pay for it I guarntee it. What if I told her a few days before the party, "it's so much work it's gonna cost you $100"? I think that's around the same thing she did. I give my services to my friends for the cost of supplies (good friends not even that) and don't charge for the 15+ hours of labor. Because they are my friends and I love them. So my history of spending hours and hours on these cakes and not even asking for extra money, I couldn't believe she took 3 hours out of her night and wanted so much compensation.

I will still make her cake for free. I will slave away at it for hours. It will be awesome

I will go to her at the college to do my hair and probably give her the $20 back for a tip. Because she's still my friend. Even if she isn't acting like a good one at the moment. I don't always deserve the good things in life that are given to me. So I can still do good things to people in my life who don't deserve them. I've been given so much forgiveness that I didn't deserve, so I can forgive and even bless others

Thanks for the replys, you've helped me feel better.

Should I be hurt by this?

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