Dating Dilemma!

Metamorphasis555
Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
edited September 27 in Chit-Chat
Okay, I have a bit of a dating dilemma right now that I could really use some advice about.

My ex & I broke up several months ago (after 3 years together). Within a few months of breaking up, I decided to go ahead & put up a dating profile. Over the months, I've been asked out on dates by quite a few different guys. I've gone as far as chatting with them on the dating site's IM thing & emailed them back & forth & several of them are now "friends" with me on Facebook. Recently though, I decided to go ahead and delete my dating profile because I decided it was kind of silly really to have one up & be active on that site if/when I wasn't feeling ready to actually go out on any dates yet. However, I still have these guys asking me out on dates on Facebook & I'm not sure what the best way to handle this is.

At first, I told guys on the dating site that they seemed like really great guys & that I definitely found them attractive, etc. but that I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship & decided that I wasn't quite ready to start dating again yet (& that's really how I felt). They were all really nice & understanding about it. However, now that several months have passed since I first said that, I'm guessing (even though they haven't said it) that it probably seems like kind of a lame excuse now.

Although still sad about my ex, I'm doing much better than I was before at coping with the breakup & am finally feeling (internally) like I might be ready to start going out on dates with other guys. However, I'm not feeling at all confident to start dating at my present weight & so I'd really like to lose more weight first. When my dating profile was up before, I never had the courage to post full body pics of myself (just ones from like the waist up). So, for all I know, these guys could be assuming that I'm really skinny (just judging by my face) when in reality I'm definitely overweight. So, any suggestions on what to say to these guys that keep asking me out on dates on Facebook? I'd feel mortified admitting "Hey, I think I'm too fat at my current weight so when I've lost more weight & am comfortable dating again, I'll let you know". I mean, that's pretty much exactly how I feel but I'm NOT about to tell them that!! So, since I don't feel ready to date anyone right now but I don't want to totally close off the possibility of dating these guys at some point in the future, what do I say to them??

Replies

  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
    Honesty is always the best route.
  • RunningAddict
    RunningAddict Posts: 548 Member
    I think honesty is the best. When you think you're ready, Go for it. If you're not ready don't let anyone persuade you into doing something you're not really feeling. Intuition is one of our best tools for life.
  • cherilyn221
    cherilyn221 Posts: 62 Member
    You don't need to say anything really....put a recent full length photo up. If they still want to date then...go for it. If not...what have you lost?
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    Do you not have pictures of yourself (full body) on facebook!?

    Also, If you feel ready to go and you like these guys, JUST GO!! You don't want a guy who just wants you because you're "skinny". If they meet you and decide "no thanks" then they aren't as great as you thought & they don't deserve you skinny or not!! It could be a great way to find out the character of these individuals.

    Also, just because you're going on a "date" doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It could be a great way for you to get out there, meet people, and make friends. You could potentially find someone with similar interests who would like to workout alongside you,play sports, do athletic activities etc to help you get where you want to be.

    Don't be a hermit just because you feel like you're "not good enough". That's no way to live. If people don't love you at your "worst" they definitely don't deserve you at your best :)

    Btw, CONFIDENCE is the sexiest trait in a woman.
  • zooflute
    zooflute Posts: 50
    Don't put a social life on hold over your weight. You have a current picture up, right? That's fine! You don't need to put up a full-body pic.

    If you aren't ready to date for emotional reasons, that should be a separate issue from your weight. But you're ready to go out! Just do it! They don't know what your idea weight is, or what you want yourself to look like in your head.
  • FTIM2015
    FTIM2015 Posts: 460 Member
    Put it this way... When I met my other half I was the biggest that I had ever been. I felt like a total blob.

    We've been together nearly 18 months now (it's flown by!), I hated how I looked at that time, but I thought 'HEY, what's the worst that could happen!'

    Shove your demons to the back of the closet and tell them to put a sock in it, if these guys can't see past what you look like now and see the fabulous person underneath and the will power you must have to be able to want to shape up, then HONESTLY, would you want to be with them?
  • bjshooter
    bjshooter Posts: 1,174 Member
    But don't you have full body pics on facebok?


    I am in the exact same situation actually and I tell people I am too fat, but I do have a tendancy to be very honest.
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
    You never know when Mr Right will pass by you. I never, ever would have thought I'd be dating someone I met online. And honestly, I wasn't looking for him when he showed up in my life. I have a lot of baggage right now (not weight-wise but an ex and kids and blah blah blah).. and yet, he still wants to be with me. He loves me for me (even when I was quite a bit heavier). So, don't put your life on hold because you don't know what you might miss if you do. I'm glad I didn't put him on hold while I tried to sort out all the nonsense in my life. I don't know that he would have waited and I woulda missed out on "the one" then.
  • Ellem86
    Ellem86 Posts: 204
    Why not just put full body shots of yourself on facebook? Either way, you absoluely cannot, must not put your life on hold because of your weight! If you are ready to date emotionally, go for it! You can always continue trying to lose weight and getting healthy while you are dating but any person who is even remotely worthy of you should be happy with who you are as a person.

    P.s. I met my boyfriend of almost 4 years online. He was the first person to message me on match.com about 30 minutes after I had put my profile up and it turned out he was at the same law school as me!
  • MontanaB
    MontanaB Posts: 439 Member
    maybe send them a full length pic (rather than having it on facebook for everyone to see) and see what they say, if they can't see past your size for the beautiful person that you are then honestly you don't need them in your life
  • rwinnie2
    rwinnie2 Posts: 59 Member
    got to agree with the rest, put up a full body picture and if you get asked out go for i't you never know when you will meet the man of your dreams.

    i went on an internet date that did'nt work out but I met the most good looking bloke on the bus home, been married to him for ten years now
  • Lwoodslim
    Lwoodslim Posts: 31 Member
    So I've heard that getting over a past relationship should take roughly 1/3 the length of the total relationship. You dated for 3 years, I imagine you'll probably need a year or so to be really over it. That being said, dating is about knowing who you are and what you want. If you know your not ready then wait. Or just make it a more casual experience, a group situation or perhaps meet for a free concert and go from there. Be honest with yourself, but you are allowed to have fun!
  • california_peach
    california_peach Posts: 1,809 Member
    Give yourself time. If you are not ready, than your not ready. Any guy worth dating should understand that. As for how you feel about your appreance, don't let that stop you. Personality matter so much more in a relationship and anyone who is going to judge you soley on your appearance is not worth the time of day.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
    Just ignore them if you don't want to date them. You don't have to answer everyone. The block button is awesome.
  • Tangerine302
    Tangerine302 Posts: 1,509 Member
    You really don't know what someone is attracted to. I wouldn't put yourself on hold. Go out and have fun. The worst that could happen would be that you don't have another date. And it might be because you don't find that you are attracted to him. There are so many other attractions than size. Everyone deserves to be happy! :)
    Good luck, I hope everything works out.
  • Metamorphasis555
    Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
    Thanks so much for your input everyone. I really appreciate it. :)
  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
    Do you not have pictures of yourself (full body) on facebook!?

    Also, If you feel ready to go and you like these guys, JUST GO!! You don't want a guy who just wants you because you're "skinny". If they meet you and decide "no thanks" then they aren't as great as you thought & they don't deserve you skinny or not!! It could be a great way to find out the character of these individuals.

    Also, just because you're going on a "date" doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It could be a great way for you to get out there, meet people, and make friends. You could potentially find someone with similar interests who would like to workout alongside you,play sports, do athletic activities etc to help you get where you want to be.

    Don't be a hermit just because you feel like you're "not good enough". That's no way to live. If people don't love you at your "worst" they definitely don't deserve you at your best :)

    Btw, CONFIDENCE is the sexiest trait in a woman.
    Love this response!
  • jonbobfrog
    jonbobfrog Posts: 294
    I've met several boyfriends via the internet. Some of them were short lived but the guy I met on Craiglist's want ads and I lasted for 2 years. And I just sent him a message because I loved his tattoos! And he LOVED my body, even though I hate it. In fact, after we broke up, he started dating a girl even bigger than me. So who knows?
  • Metamorphasis555
    Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
    Thanks so much for your input about this everyone.

    Also, to those of you who asked don't I have any full body pics on Facebook? Nope. No, I don't actually. Mostly, because I have quite a few friends that haven't seen my since high school on there & I'd be mortified if they saw how much weight I've gained as back when they knew me I was really skinny & I think most would be a little shocked by how much weight I've put on.
  • Becca_007
    Becca_007 Posts: 596 Member
    Why not just put full body shots of yourself on facebook? Either way, you absoluely cannot, must not put your life on hold because of your weight! If you are ready to date emotionally, go for it! You can always continue trying to lose weight and getting healthy while you are dating but any person who is even remotely worthy of you should be happy with who you are as a person.

    P.s. I met my boyfriend of almost 4 years online. He was the first person to message me on match.com about 30 minutes after I had put my profile up and it turned out he was at the same law school as me!
    WOW! How cool is that to find out he was at the school as you, fate, no doubt about it!:love::wink: YAY for you both Hon!

    I agree also about not putting your life on hold while you lose, I was doing that and I think sometimes there are reasons to do that, so we can focus on our goals etc. But to isolate too much and focus solely on changing our bodies and putting off dating, or going to school for classes, trying out new workout classes, other functions can sometimes get us burned out on our weightloss mission.

    But I do understand, I've done it myself, even when I wasn't heavy but felt I was at the time. I feel I missed out on SO MUCH by pushing everyone away.

    Live your life and have fun and that'll help you get emotionally healthy as well Hon:wink::flowerforyou:
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