Bagel Pwnage!

Today, Phoenixflame slayed a mighty dragon! The questing beast known as Thomas Whole Wheat Bagel.

On Saturdays, Lady Phoenixflame, a valiant knight on a quest for bodily redemption, allows herself a bit of otium by having a small donut, as she rides off to her laborious spin class right after. Yet today, the donuts seemed to lack their usual luster. And so her eyes fell on another beast, lurking in shadows--the Bagel. With rippling brown sinews, it sneered back.

Now, Lady Phoenixflame has never summoned the courage to fight a Bagel. The carbs, the size, the sugary, fatty trappings--all is enough to send her galloping back to her solar. But today she felt up for a challenge. First, though, she had to arm herself.

Returning to her den of antiquities, she summoned her craftiest ally--Laughing Cow Light Original Swiss. The Laughing Cow is a fickle creature; so easily it can resemble the dreaded Cream Cheese, yet retain its delicate lightness. Then she visited the wise wizard known as Lord Calorie King, to better understand her enemy. The answer was grim, but gave her an idea.

Again she reached the Plains of the School Cafeteria, and again she came face to face with the dreaded Bagel. This was no time for wavering--quick as a whippet, daring as a hawk, she snatched up the bagel and decapitated it with the holy Bagel Slicer. Now, Lady Phoenixflame is a figure known for barbarity, and the defeated Bagel knew this when she toasted half of its corpse. Brandishing both her sword and the fickle Laughing Cow, she slathered the Bagel in light, creamy goodness.

Like a brave leopard dragging its food to its den, Lady Phoenixflame carried off her prize, along with two hard-boiled eggs that she found in the Bagel's lair. After sipping her finest elixer, Coffee with Almond Milk, she set about her hard-won prize.

'Twas a morning of feasting, of joy, and triumph. Lady Phoenixflame slayed her Bagel foe, AND was totally sated on just half of its doughy, carby innards.