Need some serious motivation!!

I am queen of fad dieting.
I have extreme dieted so many times before, I can't help but to expect to lose a kilo in 2 days, so when I don't I kills my motivation.
I either eat like it's my last day on earth or like there's no food left on earth.
So, I'm trying to do it right this time, take it slow, eat right and exercise.
But there's one other problem, I have no motivation to start with... not even a little this time.
But it has to be done, my cholesterol was sky rocketing through the roof, and instead of eating healthy and brining it down I put on an extra 10 kilos.
20+ kilos, and I either hate myself or couldn't care less... There is no in between, no normal diet, no motivation.

If you are full of motivation or even if you are seriously deprived like myself, Pleaae add me.
I need someone or something to keep me going.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.